I was humming a song when I realised that it was a hymn we played at my husbands funeral (I watched the sunrise, Daniel o’donnell). That got me thinking because my husband & I chose the songs he wanted to be played together. Now I just can’t stop thinking about what must have been going through his mind at that time. Having been told at forty nine years old that you only have weeks to live and then having to discuss your own funeral arrangements. I just can’t help thinking he must have been so sad, which now makes me so sad to think of him being sad, and yet he never once showed it or said he was sad, still smiling, laughing, comforting and reassuring others he’d be leaving behind right up until the very end. He was always so full of life, so cheery and so strong. He was like a super hero to me. I thought of him like he was invincible because he could always do anything it seemed and I fear I took him for granted. It’s just so hard now to accept that he’s no longer going to be in my life. We just always thought that we’d grow old together. We’d known each other all of our lives. Friends as children, dating as teenagers and married at twenty! It just feels so surreal like I’ve somehow walked into another dimension and I feel so alone.
My husband and I have lost lots of family members over the years, some even younger than him and he lost his dad at the same age he was but we always had each other to get through it. I lost my mum very suddenly in 2021. I was with her when she passed and my husband instantly comforted me and reassured me. He always said to just take one day at a time. He had that same attitude when he knew he was going to have to leave us. If I cried he’d just say " don’t cry, I’m still here, just take one day at a time" and he fought so hard to live right until the very very end because he didn’t want to leave us because he knew we still needed him but he wasn’t at all scared of dieing, he just still had so much to live for. Now I’m still here but he is not and I can’t look forward because I cannot even begin to imagine my life without him in it. I can’t look back at the memories because it’s to sad to think that we’ll never share another memory together and so I feel stuck in the moment. I miss him so much. He was/is my life, my soul, my everything!
Hello @StillHere ,
I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and your mum that brings you here. This loss along with your sons illness must have been devastating and it is understandable that you feel stuck.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
@StillHere im so sorry to hear about your husband and mum. So much that you write resonates as I lost my husband in February and my dad a year ago. My husband was told 2 years ago that his cancer was incurable and like your husband never once complained, was depressed, or showed anything other than positivity. Right to the very last week he was still looking forward and making plans. Like you I feel so sad at what he must’ve felt inside and I wish we could’ve talked about it, shared some of that burden. Most of the time I feel very numb, keeping busy but at times the pain at missing him becomes overwhelming. Everything reminds me of him, the life we had together and the future that’s been taken away. I wish I could say something that would help but please know you’re not alone xx
@StillHere and @Lucy55 I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband’s sounded amazing and strong. My husband suddenly passed away a week before Christmas. I went to work on the Saturday and Sunday I got a call from my son to say that dad had collapsed. Time I got home he was gone. He was 53 years old. No closure and no answers. Just wish I had time with him to tell him that I love him and appreciate everything he did for us. All our future plans and dreams have gone. Life is so unfair and cruel. Had just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. Really wish I had chance to spend some time with my husband as I think he would of been positive also. That morning he told my son not to phone me as not to worry me. Breaks my heart that I wasn’t there when he died. 
Big hugs to you both xx
@Hazel.1966 Gosh that must’ve been so difficult. I’m so sorry you had no opportunity to say everything you needed to. We too had celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, I’m so grateful that we were able to do that but I can’t believe they’ll be no more anniversaries.
I’m sure you husband knew what he meant to you but I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to say it.
Despite knowing that my husband has gone I still can’t comprehend that he won’t walk in the door full of beans. Take care of yourself xx
@Lucy55 thank you for your kind words. Yes it is very difficult and hard. My husband died of a massive rear saddle pulmonary embolism and kidney cancer in both kidneys which had burst out of the lining sitting under the blood vessels. The awful thing is that I don’t know if he could still be here and he he could of been cured. Not knowing the answers is so hard. My husband was working till the day before and didn’t know that he had cancer. So very sad.
Yes I know how you feel… life is so unfair. I’m hoping that you are having a lot of support from family and friends though can never replace your love ones xx
@StillHere so sorry for your loss. Your post resonates so much with me. My husband passed away nearly 4 weeks ago from cancer that he had been battling for 4 years. I too feel stuck in this moment. Too painful to look back or forward. Our situation is just awful but please know there is lots of support on here. It’s the one place people really understand what it’s like and you can ‘chat’ whenever you need to. Take care
Thank you so much Alex.
I do already receive the text messages to help me with the grief I have for the loss of my mum and they really do help.
I have tried to reach out to family but they don’t understand. I guess because they too are grieving the loss of our mum but in my mind that is even more reason to come together but instead every one has gone their own separate ways and that is difficult for me to understand. I guess it’s different for me because I’m not just going through one loss but several at the same time and as I see you are aware that I almost lost my son too since losing my husband. I am also dealing with my own illness which prevents me from leaving the house and yet no-one has came to my house to visit or check on me. I do have my sons though but they are only young men in their early twenties and are trying to come to terms with their own trauma because it has been so very traumatic for us because everything has happened in such a short period of time and without proper warning. I do every once in a while get a text message from family members just to tell me that they are there for me but I guess that’s just so they can ease their own conscience because they are not there. After losing my husband and after visiting with my son in hospital where he was fighting for his life, my other son took me to my sisters house because she had cooked us dinner. After we ate I was trying to talk to her about how I was feeling but she just didn’t seem to be able to empathise or relate at all. She actually made a joke saying “if I’m looking for sympathy I’m not getting any”! I know my sister and I know she genuinely meant no harm, she was just trying to make light heart of a bad situation but what she didn’t understand is that I wasn’t looking for sympathy at all but I was hoping for some support and understanding.
I’ve also tried to reach out and talk to other family members but some of the comments I’ve received have been truly unbelievable, like I don’t need your negativity right now or all I can hear you say is I can’t! Anyway that’s why I am hear because I decided not to reach out to anyone that I know anymore because I feel like I’m in a different world from them now. The worse thing of all is that my husband and I have always been there for them and have done so much for them over the years and even now my family will contact me when they need something, including if they just need comforted for whatever reason, and I will always oblige because I will not change who I am just because I have now seen the true colours of who they are.
@StillHere I hear you. You have had such an awful time if it. I too don’t understand other people’s reactions. They ask how you are but they don’t really want to hear. It’s like everyone else is getting on with their lives and we are stuck here. They expect us just to get on with it. Nobody understands🥲(except the people on here). Sad times.
Thank you @Lucy55. My husband was battling cancer & had been for 8 years (sadly it was a very aggressive form) but he seemed to be beating it & was taken off of all medication right at the start of the pandemic. Unfortunately because of the pandemic & due to an error at the hospital my husband wasn’t seen by anyone for some time until it was too late. That has left me so confused and angry but more sad than anything because I can’t help feeling that if that didn’t happen then my husband could be still here. My husband didn’t want to blame anyone but instead just accepted that we couldn’t change what had happened & chose to just live in the moment. He said that although mistakes where made that may have cost him precious time, he also gained precious time because of the treatments that he had received. He said that if it wasn’t for those treatments he would have been gone a long time ago & just tried to appreciate every moment & was thankful for the time he got to do the things that he did & be with the people he loved.
He was actually diagnosed only months after my sister died with cancer at age 43 & she too had such an amazing attitude in spite of her situation. I only wish I could be even half as strong!
@Hazel.1966 I am so sorry for your loss. That must have been such a shock for you & your son. I lost my husband 12 days before Christmas & that was really hard because whilst everyone else is celebrating we are grieving. I truly hope you had people around you to at least provide some comfort. I am sure that your husband knew how much you loved & cared for him because he didn’t want to worry you & that also shows how much he loved you too.
Thank you so much @Jan17. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so glad that you feel comforted here. Normally I find it really hard to reach out to anyone but this time things have just been so hard & I’ve had to force myself to reach out. I thought I was doing so well but that wasn’t true, I was just really busy & exhausted with everything that had happened. The trauma has been overwhelming & it’s still not over as my mother in law is also fighting cancer right now. I just feel that everywhere I turn there is more sorrow. Everything I have to say brings sadness. No wonder it’s hard for people to want to be around me at the moment but that’s why I believe this place can help me because everyone is a stranger (at least to begin with) & so there is no expectations because everyone knows why we’re here to begin with & are accepting of our situations. I hope you will continue to find comfort here.
Today I awoke confused again. I saw my sisters have a short conversation on another platform. One had shared a memory from a time when the other was feeling a bit down. My sister had shared the memory now because she wanted to show the other how times have changed for them and how their lives are much better now. My other sister replied by saying “yeah all we need is family, family is everything”.
I guess by family they really just meant each other because they certainly haven’t been there for me.
@StillHere it’s so hard when people say they are there for you but their actions say otherwise. I am finding the loneliness the hardest thing to deal with at the moment. Even around other people I feel lonely to the core. Sending hugs.
I understand that @Jan17.
Sometimes the loneliest place is when we’re in the most crowded rooms. Sometimes it’s when we’re with those closest to us because we have certain expectations from them because we think they know us and therefore should recognise when we’re hurting and could/would/should offer some comfort but that never seems to happen. Instead they just seem to prod along blindly. Laughing, joking and just getting on with life but we cannot because we are trapped in our own thoughts and sorrow and we realise just how alone we are in the darkness.
Hi @Hazel.1966 I was just thinking about your situation and when you said your struggling because you never got the chance to say the things that you would have wanted to say to your husband before he passed. I remembered something that my mum told me to do well over twenty years ago now when I was in a similar situation after a young cousin of mine passed. He was only 21 and I was so sad that I never got a chance to say goodbye.
Anyway, my mum asked me to think about everything that I wanted to say to him then and everything that I would say to him now if I had the chance. Then she told me to write it all down in a letter and put it in an envelope with a stamp but with no address. She said that way he’d find it and I could let it all go. She said if there was ever a time when I felt the need to say anything else in future to just do the same.
I hope you don’t mind me sharing that little piece of advice but I just remembered how it helped me at the time and I wondered if maybe that’s something that you could maybe consider trying. 
@StillHere thank you for thinking of me which is very kind of you. My friend said to write my husband a letter which I did and I wrote everything I wanted to say to him and I put the letter in his coffin. Just recently I wrote him another letter and put it behind his urn. I sometimes what’s app him with messages as well though they are more saying that I am sorry that I couldn’t save him and I didn’t notice that he was so ill. I feel so much guilt and going through this difficult cycle. I have never had a sign from him so not sure if he would of read them. Once again thank you for your help Xx
@Hazel.1966 I posted the letters in the post box with a stamp and no address in the hope that they’d somehow find their way to him.
I understand how you might feel guilty because lots of us do for different reasons. I don’t know if there could’ve been anyway for you to notice how ill he was but from what you said earlier it didn’t seem like there was. You said your husband himself didn’t even know and was working right up until the day before so how could you possibly have known.
Another thing my mum often used to say was that from the day we are born into the world, it is also written the date we will leave. My mum really believed that. I don’t know if that’s true or not. But it’s something to think about and if it is then there definitely should be no guilt left on your shoulders.