Sitting in my cab sobbing like a baby. Never felt so lonely in my life. Not alone but lonely. There is a difference isn’t there x
I am new to this forum my husband died on the 1st January and funeral was on the 28th. The pain of losing him is indescrable. Mornings are my worst time of day, also sleep pattern not good. Does anyone suffer this too. Some times as I am writing this I just do not want to be here without him. As the day continues I start to feel a bi better.
Sorry indescribable, cannot even read or spell correctly at the moment
Probably the question should be does anyone not suffer like this. Your description would be recognised by everybody here I would think.
It’s exactly 26 weeks for me today… half a year and the pain is sometimes a little less, the tears are a little less frequent, the sleeping is a bit more. That’s probably because I’ve got a little better at coping, or even managing, all those things. We learn the skills of survival but we never forget. We learn how to pretend we are living and time moves on. We instinctively know what will make us feel worse and sometimes we do things or think things as a distraction.
In time you will take stock and realise all this is happening. Until then, unfortunately, it’s just getting through the next minute, the next hour, the next day.
Hopefully you can get some sort of comfort here, a sense of belonging and maybe some hope.
Thanks Yorkshire lad, some of the advice you have given I have thought myself. My first husband died in 1998. I remarried in 2005. My second chance at happiness, I now live alone , hate it. Do you also live alone?
Unfortunately I now live alone in a house where once it was filled with six of us. Two of us came to this house 42 years ago.
It’s much too big for me. I suppose I lived alone as a student but it wasn’t really alone. I’m fortunate in that my wife encouraged me to develop my solitary interests. I walked alone, I camped alone, and we had quite different lives. I don’t like living alone but I’m trying to learn how to do it. I don’t think I have consistent feelings as some days everything seems much worse than others. I’m really glad that I have 4 kids and 7 grandchildren and I see so much of my wife in them.
Life seems to have been doubly cruel to you and I expect it may feel even more painful.
You’re so right. The physical loneliness is hard enough, not having anyone to cuddle up to or a hand to hold, but the mental loneliness, if I can call it that, is even more painful. It’s like there’s an empty space that can’t be filled and although we can push it to one side when we are busy or with other people it’s always there waiting to slap us in the face again when we are on our own. How can “nothing” be so painful? X
Yes, yes, yes Stevie, there certainly is. I don’t know what to say to you. It’s an unbearable pain. Sending a hug for you x
It’s the funeral tomorrow for my amazing husband. I really don’t know how I feel about that. I see it as the formality of what I’ve been existing with for the last 11 days. Can tomorrow really be any worse than those days, and the days to come. I very much doubt it. Maybe I’m deluded!
I too have children, and grandchildren. I have three stepsons and 8 grandchildren. My family is very supportive but nobody can fix it for us. I am going to stay with my daughter and family for a week. A little apprehensive that when I return home I will feel worse
I found I was calm at the funeral on the 28th January. 85 people attended. The days after I felt worse. I think the reality of my situation suddenly hit me. We are all different though. I send my thoughts and hugs to you
Thank you Christina x
I feel very unfixed today. Two years ago my mother, my aunt and my wife enjoyed each others company at Christmas and now they are all gone. My aunt was the oldest and she died 8 weeks after my wife. She moved to her house with my grandparents and after their deaths she lived alone there for 40 years. I’ve been visiting that house for 59 years and yesterday I spent time there going through things before the house clearance people come. As I locked the door for the final time I was so sad to realise how little I’ve been able to grieve for her and how wrong that felt.
I went to stay with one daughter just four days after my wife died, and then with another for longer eight weeks later. I have just two granddaughters and they live in Surrey and staying with them was so different to life with my 5 Northern grandsons. Coming home I think I was determined not to overthink it and make it a self fulfilling prophecy, and I was fine with it, almost glad to get home.
Thanks Yorkshire lad. I did stay with my daughter and my son straight after the funeral. I cried when I stayed with them but it felt good to be with family. I do need a break and my children say I am pushing myself too hard. I am an outgoing and happy person but My world and life feels over. Saying that I am trying to be positive and hopefully will feel okay on returning home. If I still worked that would give me some purpose, just do volunteering work once a week. Do you feel that time makes things a little easier…? Has it been easier for you with time
At the moment I like being at home. Although it’s the place where I miss my husband the most, up to now, simply because it feels so very empty and all wrong without him, somehow I feel the closest to him here. Probably because we both loved being at home. For all the times away holidays etc coming home was always a positive thing for us.
I remember clearly the last time he was here, and those thoughts are not the best, but I know that he would already be asking me why I was focusing on those rather than all the other amazing times we had. For that reason and for my own sanity I try my best not to do that. Although I won’t deny it has happened occasionally.
This home is ‘us’. And ‘us’ is what I cry for everyday. Although it is very quiet and empty and downright soulless right now, why would I not want to be here. Far too many beautiful days spent here and as hard as it is sometimes I absolutely refuse to let the last few weeks and months dominate my thoughts when prior to that time it was the best time of my life for so much longer.
Christina, soak up the love and support and time you are going to get with your break away staying with your family and regardless of the outcome on your return we will all be here waiting for you when you go back home. We are all united in the grief, and all that brings with it but, we are all also coping differently. What is necessary for one is not good for another, I guess. There could never be a right or wrong way. It’s only ever going to be us as individuals coping the only way we can.
Take care x
That’s quite a difficult question to answer.
My background is in psychology, learning development and the management of change. In effect I was well equipped to talk the talk, but could I walk the walk.
My wife had always encouraged me to develop my own interests. I retired at 52 and she wasn’t going to let me disrupt her life, so she encouraged me(insisted) that I find things to do. All those things have stood me in good stead as I’ve picked them up again.
Looking back I can see I had a survival strategy. I challenged myself to do things. On Tuesday I’m going away for my 5th short break in a hotel. I walk all day. Its what we did and I’m getting better at it.
Going back to the question, I think time makes things different but presumably you’ve been here and have a better idea of how to live forward than I do. There’s no perfect model is there. We try things and see what works, what distracts us and then what interests us and enthuses. I’m not sure on “better”. It’s a useless word sometimes.
I found the day of the funeral quite difficult but not as bad as I had anticipated. Its impossible not to overthink it and build up that sense of foreboding.
My two granddaughters fluttered around me like butterflies throughout the day and that is a strong memory. I was more distressed at the grief of my children. I had to look away.
As most people say it passes as a blur.
I hope it isn’t too difficult for you and that you can be a strong as you can be. It’s a strange feeling being supported by all that love and care. A lot of the time I just seemed to focus on nothingness, willing myself not to think. I wore her ring and touched it constantly.
Thank you. I put a very special ring on today too. Getting ready early hey. I must be.
I ask myself what’s the worst that can happen tomorrow. I fall in there with him. Or, is that the best…
That’s not an option at the crematorium, thankfully.
You will find the strength. Absolutely no idea where it came from.