End my life or keep going

[lonlydel]

Hi how are you doing, I am remembering last Christmas , … Yes this time last Christmas I couldn’t continue. I lost my friend, my wife, my love, my 4 childrens mum.
I couldn’t see any way forward, I was in so much pain. The pain was unbearable. I spoke to the Samaritans, and mind, and several Help groups…
Nothing could help me no one could help me no words could help me.

But I just couldn’t leave my 4 children without a mum and a daddy. So I ended up back home and every day every minute of every day is a struggle.
But one minute gets me to one hour and then one more day.
It’s Christmas again and the pain is just as bad, loose your lovely wife loosing your own and only is just painful…

However I am not giving up on life as my children need me. I know every day is harder than the last every day is a struggle, every day is a battle for survival.

Lots of love I wish you all the best I hope you can get past this bad time, I wish you all the very best… The fact you have given me the time to read this should give you the strength to keep going one more day, One more minute one more bit of effort to keep going.

Keep strong keep going keep safe.

Lots of love

Happy Christmas

Happy new year

If you get too here then you are doing good.

[Mbg]

I wish you and your children the best Christmas possible. Sending much love and hugs x

[Cathphil]

Hello you brave , brave man.
Brave for keeping going, brave for sharing your post, brave for your children, brave for your beautiful wife…

It’s such a shit club we are in .

My 3rd Christmas without my beautiful husband.
No idea how I even got here.
The first was hard, I locked myself away for the majority of it - but everyone else understood it would be - even though they still didn’t really get it, so it was kind of bearable

Last year was harder, everyone thought cos id done the ‘firsts’ I should’ve been okay.
I wasn’t. I did the same, saw a few people in the pub at lunch time - as was our tradition - then home alone - upsetting family and friends - who didn’t get why I just wanted come back home alone…

This year is the hardest yet.
I’m sobbing while typing to you…
I miss my husband so very much, it hurts mentally , emotionally and physically.
It’s gonna be a tough day.
Wish I had a fast forward button to tomorrow…
But I haven’t, I’ll paint a smile on my face , keep the tradition of meeting in the pub for an hour or so… Then come back home…
Probably put on my PJs early afternoon…

My husband is here with me in our home… He’s everywhere I look and in my head,
(And in the cupboard, in his little box!)
Home was his favourite place of all. So why on earth would I want to spend Christmas day anywhere else… But still had to explain over and over to so many why I was ‘happier’ to me on my own!

Someone, a counsellor I saw from Mountbatten in the early days of my grief recounted a story…

It was the words of a young child who had lost her mum.
Someone had said to the little girl before her second Christmas without her mum…
“At least it will be easier this year?”
To which the little girl replied,
“Why on earth do you think that, my Mum is still dead, she still won’t be here at Christmas”

From the mouths of babes!

So yes, whether it’s the first Christmas without our loved ones, the second, third, tenth … It’s still hard, unbearable, and total shit… Because it’s another one they’ve missed and we’ve had to endure without them.

Sorry for rambling,
I wish everyone reading this … A blessed and peaceful day,
Love, hugs and strength to you all

[Vicky1974]

@Cathphil @lonlydel you’re both still here thankfully I hope yesterday was kind to you both in some way. Your posts give me hope. Thank you.

[lonlydel]

Yes still here…
In a house with 4 children, I feel so lonely, the house is empty, I am empty.
I done the tree, the presents, the food all with a smile.

It’s horrible living like this letting my children know I am so happy when I am not, I am empty.

Smiling on the outside but dead on the inside. Happy face time getting ready for a other day, putting on this fictional face for my children.

I wish you lots of love and hugs and just hope your day is going well and you have a great day.

[Seasidejack]

Look after yourself and your children and tomorrow will be easier.
Hugs

[Vicky1974]

Thank you @lonlydel .
I am all too familiar with the ‘putting on a happy face’. One day at a time. That’s what will get us through. We are all here for you and each other X

[lonlydel]

Yes I am smiling on the outside but on the inside I am a mess.
The house is full of people all making noise there is no silence …but I am so lonely so so lonely. I just can’t show my feelings.

Yes I will get through the next minute of the next hour of the next day, one minute at a time…

I am just one of thousands of people suffering this time of the year.

I do hope your ok, I wish you well and as I am just keeping going. Tomorrow is a nother day. Tomorrow could be a better day.

Lots of love.
Lots of hugs
I am thinking of you.
I am praying you feel better.

[UnityMan]

Just going through my second Xmas…my Sandie was in hospital 2 years ago from mid November until she died mid January 2023…so I know Xmas will never be the same again…but I totally agree…this year has been the hardest yet

[lonlydel]

Hi all that’s have taken the time to reply and leave a Hart…

It’s a Very difficult thing loosing the one we loved, what is shocking my wife the mum of 4 was so so young…38 year’s old.
It’s a shock as it was out of the blue.

As a single dad of 4 children every day is beyond words with the struggles.

The hardest thing is putting on the happy Face, letting everyone know I am happy and smiling … however behind the smile I am depressed, upset, dead, lost, lonely.

I hope your day is going well, I hope you do not feel this pain in your heart .
I am sending you my love.
I am sending you the hope.

Thanks for letting me know your there and thanks for your kindness and support and help.

[Lostwife24]

I lost my husband 27 days ago, we’ve still not had his funeral yet (it’s 6/01/25) I don’t know how I’ve made it through to now, our children are 8, 6 & 5 months old. I’m a wreck.
I had all my children (i have 3 older children from my first marriage) and my granddaughter for Christmas this year and i have never felt so suffocated and needing to escape in all my life, but i cannot be alone either.
The only person who can make this better is gone and i just can’t picture my future without him in it. The pain is like nothing else i have ever experienced, a pain i never want to feel again in this lifetime
Everyone keeps telling me it’ll get easier after all the firsts, but i can’t see it.
I’m hoping this community will be my saving grace.
And i do find comfort knowing i am not alone and that there are people who do really understand how i feel. So thank you all for that

[Julie333]

I feel exactly the same, I understand how you feel, I lost my Soul mate the love of my life in September, first I was coping then it just hit me, I feel that everything seems pointless, I have never suffered with depression and am know as happy go lucky Julie always smiling, maybe because I felt so lucky with my life with my husband.
Now it’s an effort to function daily every hour to every day, I hope you find a stronger love and bond with your children and they keep you going.
My child is 22 at home in and out, so the loneliness is immense. Everything seems pointless. I try and keep busy I have some good days I talk to Dave every day and cry every day, I’m trying to think of all the good things and hold on to those memories over the last 16 years, he wouldn’t want me to be like this and would want me happy again, I’m worried I’m upsetting him as he would have never seen me like this and I don’t want him to be unhappy but be spiritually free.

I am planning to do some things for my own self care, but I’m tired and weak, I think you just go into shock but having plans just for you might help, I think it’s a point of finding you again although your married and will be forever were lucky we loved so much as we wouldn’t feel like this now.

I’ve also used Samaritans I have got counselling booked in and am trying to connect locally to people through my hospice , (waiting lists prevail) who have specifically lost a life partner so I may be able to make new connections, all my friends are married.

I feel cheated it doesn’t seem fair for either my husband or me.

I hope you find some peace in something just for you.

I know it’s not going to feel any better I suppose we just have to grasp on to little things everyday that’s an achievement or makes us smile even for a second.

There is something called the good grief Trust and Im set up texts from Sue Ryder, which comes through as random affirmations which helps me feel someone is there.

It’s hard

Sending hugs we need a lot at this awful time and just feel your not alone, connecting on here is still a positive, we can’t fill the loss just be kind to yourself.

Take care Julie

[lonlydel]

Hi all of you that have dropped in, or taking time to respond.

Life is a struggle and it feels like no-one is listening or helping or giving you support, but a lot of the time people do help.

I understand there is no magic fix.
The only thing is time, in time things are less stressful, less of a loss, in time you learn to live with the loss.

I have good days and bad days, I have feelings of giving up on life.
I have so so mutch pain in my heart .

It’s the constant pain I just can’t see how I get past the next minute, or the next hour, or get past the day.

Every day we go on is a win, every day we keep going is a good day.

I feel like I can’t go on with this pain as it just never stops…yes there’s good days and I am still surviving. But everything is just a struggle…

I am getting out, I am chatting to you, I am getting theripy, I am thinking of my children without me, I am doing my best to survive .

I wish I could just stop this pain.

Lots of love to you and your family and your friends. All I can do is spend you my love.

I am sending you my best wishes .

Hopefully we will survive this pain .

Lots of love

[Pegg]

I am so lost ,I cry ,I sob ,it’s all new to me ,but I remember a poem now
When tomorrow starts without me
Don’t think we are far apart
For every time that you think of me
I’m right here inside your heart
My wife died just before this Christmas,
I feel there is no point anymore ,but now
Realise we are all in this same place
Keep strong ,as I will try to

[lonlydel]

Yes we all are in the place of pain, suffering, depression, it’s a horrible place to be.

Sending everyone love and hugs , that’s all I can do on here…

Hopefully my story will help you with your pain, hopefully my hugs will bring a bit of joy.

My pains are hurting so much I feel so lonely and in a very dark place…

Lots of love and hugs …

One more day is nearly over, one more day still going forward …

[Lostwife24]

This is the poem i have just chosen for the back of my husbands prayer cards, it’s a beautiful poem.

[Dolphine64]

You are amazing what u have done to keep your children happy at christmas , its the hardest time for those , who feel lost, lonely and grieving, it was the first christmas for me without mum, im just glad its all over, i dont have a supportive brother at all, especially my mental health, so ive decided not to let it bother me anymore, i hope as the days and weeks go by, you will find some peace and calm in yr life, you sound a wonderfull father, i am very spiritual, and it has helped me somewhat, i hope u have good friends supporting you, and mayb u can find a local cruse bereavement group near u, im going to one near me soon,always here for a chat if u wish to, sending u healing hugs

[lonlydel]

Thanks for all reaching out.

It is good to hear from you.

It’s the start of a new year but nothing will change…

Thanks for your replies and hugs and words of support and kindness.

Lots of love and hugs to you and your family.

[lonlydel]

Thanks for your reply.

Thanks for the healing hugs .

I wish you all the best for 2025, I am sorry for your loss…

Keep strong, Keep happy, keep your spirits up…

Lots of love.

[Mbg]

My father was widowed 10 weeks after he married. He then married my mother. She suffered ill health for many years and passed away leaving him with 8 children. I was the youngest. I so appreciate and am in awe of the way he coped and managed. I now truly understand his loss and what he had to sacrifice. Sending you much love