It’s been just over 7 months since I lost my husband. At first it was the shock, my anxiety was really bad then it was the intense longing and pain that he had gone.
Now however, I’m not consumed every minute, of everyday, by his death. I can go out, enjoy myself for a few hours, whether that be shopping or a night out with friends.
The problem I now have is, everything else around me, especially in my house seems to be falling apart. My husband would generally do all the diy and hate to say it but manly jobs. I look round my house and all my skirting boards need painting, cracks are appearing places, even my kitchen cupboard doors need retightening. I have 4 children at home so I’m stating to find it impossible to keep up with all the diy, as well as working and looking after them. I have always been so house proud and I know it sounds silly in the grand scheme of things but it’s making me depressed.
I also find I just don’t have the motivation to carry out painting or gardening or anything unless I really have to. Does anyone else get bothered by this?
I know I will start to see things in time that need doing. Some I will do myself but some I will get people in to do it.
We were in the process of doing the house and garden, both not completely done. Some things I’ve tackled, some things I’ve left for now. I have had a lot of people say they will help with the garden but that’s not happening yet, mostly because I don’t know how to move forward with it.
Have you got any friends or family who can help. I have 4 kids but all grown up now. I don’t envy you trying to deal with kids and the loss of your partner.
Sorry, not really helped have I.
Yes . It’s a double edge sword , no motivation but gets your more down . Me & Bry had plans to get all the house done this year new bathroom, kitchen etc and whilst it’s getting me down a lot I have no motivation to start doing anything about it , plus all the plans we had for it doesn’t t seem right now so feel like I need to change all the ideas xxxx
Thanks both. I’m just aware that the longer I leave stuff the worse it’s going to get. I feel like I need to give myself a kick up the bum. However I realise it’s important to allow myself time to rest and grieve.
Getting the balance is so hard. I guess I’m just starting to feel the impact that life is much harder as a single parent.
We were always very neat and tidy when he was here too. We’d have our daily jobs and routines. He’d cook, do the hoovering, put the bins out, painting and diy stuff. I’d do all the paperwork, bills and all the cleaning apart from hoovering. I’d dust and wipe around and tidy up daily, not the whole house daily but one or two rooms while he was cooking. I cleaned the kitchen daily. Bedding every weekend. Since he’s gone I’ve been an absolute slob. I’m ashamed to say I’ve cleaned the bathroom a couple of times and I’ve only changed my bedding twice in eight weeks. I have no motivation to do anything and now it’s all got on top of me and I haven’t got the will to sort it out myself.
I’ve got in touch with a cleaning company and I’m getting someone in to do a deep clean at the end of the month. I’m absolutely mortified that it’s come to this. After it’s all sorted out then I’m sure I’ll be able to keep on top of it again but it’s the initial clean that I just can’t be bothered to do.
The garden is full of weeds and I can’t be bothered to sort that either. The garden was something we enjoyed together and now it feels like there’s just no bloody point. I feel terrible for feeling this way, he worked so hard on the house and garden and now I feel like I’m letting them all go to pot
I need a kick up the backside tbh.
How you’ve coped with children to look after too I don’t know.
It has been horrific, I can’t deny. My daughter keeps inviting friends back and I’m ashamed as the house is a tip. My husband would go in the attic frequently to put items away etc. Now they are in boxes on my landing waiting for one of my teenagers to do it.
All my paintwork is shabby. I do think I am giving myself a hard time but I’m aware that I can’t keep having these " I cba days" as it’s just getting worse and worse. It reminds me of Ricky Gervais in the afterlife where he hires the prostitute just to clean up
My garden was beautiful and my husband worked hard to get it that way but weeds R us, they have even started coming through my artificial grass. I need to do little but often I think. I just can’t get the balance of everything right at the minute.
Haha, I haven’t watched that programme called the afterlife but I’ve seen it mentioned on here a few times now. I’m pretty sure cleaners are cheaper than prostitutes though
I’ll have to watch that one day when I’m not so emotional.
I feel guilty for letting things go to pot in just over eight weeks. I tell myself I should sort it out for him then I think well he’s not here anyway so why would he even care now?
Same, my husband had just fitted new patio doors, the stickers hadn’t even been removed. I took them off the other day now they are dirty and I cba to clean them. I think I should because of the efforts he went to.
Omg you definitely need to watch it, I think it’s more humours than anything else. You definitely need to binge watch it. I watched it prior to grief and again after, it hits totally different now. It’s so relatable.
I’ve just realised that the constant tight / tension feeling I’ve had in my head since he’s gone has disappeared these last two days. It was still there Monday and Tuesday, not sure about Wednesday but I’ve just realised I didn’t have it yesterday and I don’t have it today. Hopefully it won’t come back. I never get headaches normally and it was such a horrible feeling like my head was constantly going to explode.
I’ll definitely have a look for it. Is it on Netflix? Is it a hard watch for a grieving person as in will it leave me in floods of tears?
So far your Netflix series suggestions have been really good
Yes Netflix, some bits are sad but it is really what we are already going through so can we be even more sad? I don’t know.
He wants to commit suicide constantly but he can’t because his dog is always there looking at him I think we all feel like not being here at times, I know I did. That is getting better although I struggle to find meaning in life still. That sounds awful when I have 5 kids but it’s just not the same anymore.
Also what do you do to fill your day? I’ve been longing for the sun to make me feel better. Today has been a beautiful day and it’s made me feel really depressed. Started off just sitting in the garden as my husband loved sunning himself there.
Then I just popped into town with my 4 year old, everyone comes out when the sun is out. So many families etc. It really is a slap in the face.
I’m hoping it’s just because it’s my first summer and as the years go on it will become easier. Not only that but you don’t feel so guilty for lounging in bed when it’s dark and grey outside. When the sun is shining it doesn’t feel right.
The bit about the dog looking at him when he’s thinking about commiting suicide made me laugh because I’ve been in bed crying looking into suicide methods mainly out of curiosity and to see the easiest way to do it and my cat has walked right up to my chest, laid down and just sat there looking at me purring. I did actually say aloud to my OH at one point “if that’s you piss off, the neighbours will look after the cat”
I’m back in work full time so that’s helping fill my days. I go for walks with friends or see friends for coffee and a chat or a bit of shopping. To be honest it feels like I’m doing things just to fill my time. It’s not meaningful or enjoyable. Me and my OH used to like going away, visiting places and seeing things, doing fun, active things. We planned to travel lots of places in the future. Just filing my days with pointless stuff feels rather pointless to be honest.
I need to find a travel buddy
Part of me thinks that I’m stuck here without him so I should at least try and make the most of any time I have left.
Yes you’re basically echoing what I feel. I’m being realistic I think, if we have 40 years left on earth it’s bound to not feel so bad, I hope anyway. My kids say I might end up living longer without him than I did with him. That depressed me at first but they are right.
I too feel like I’m just trying to fill the days. I remember when I was a few months in like you, I was just trying to make it through each day. Then when I went to bed I’d think that’s another day done. It made me quite depressed as I felt like I wasn’t living but surviving the days. Now I actually am living, not to the extent I obviously was when he was alive but I’m a lot better than the first few months.
Definitely watch afterlife. I think you’ll like it. It’s not for prudes though. If you don’t like swearing you won’t like it!
Also I was the same with my husband. I was content just to be in his company. Just food shopping or any mundane thing was enjoyable as long as we were together. You really do take the everyday stuff for granted as you always think you have all the time in the world.
That’s so true. We wouldn’t necessarily have to be doing anything in particular but I’d still enjoy his company. One of the things I miss the most is lying on the sofa on a Saturday night watching rubbish on Netflix or in the garden with a bottle of wine in the summer. Simple things that you take for granted but gosh I really bloody miss them now
I’ll definitely give the afterlife a watch. Is it a long series?
Yes I miss flicking through everything on Netflix deciding what to watch and most of the night had gone deciding.
I feel like I’m enduring some kind of test, test of my ability to live without him until my time comes. I’m not sure why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because everyone seems to think there is a purpose in pain.
I feel weird a lot of the time if I think he’s watching my every move. not that I do anything that exciting. It just kind of freaks me out that they might be watching us but we can’t see them!
OMG! These last few days I’m feeling like life is all a big test or a big flipping game and I have to get through it the best I can until I can see him again. I find my thought process bizarre because I don’t really believe in anything after death. I desperately want to but nothing I’ve experienced makes me believe there is so I don’t know why I’m thinking this way.
Yes I also feel weird like he could be watching everything I do and hearing my thoughts. I’m not sure I like the thought of that tbh
It’s strange how we think sometimes
I’ve also started thinking perhaps death isn’t as bad as I once thought it was. What if it’s a peaceful process and actually a blessing to be freed from our bodies? What if what happens after death is actually a lot better than life?
I just wish we knew
it’s true grief makes us crazy. I’ve even thought " say he no longer wants to be with me "
As he can see what I’m doing or thinking etc. Then I’m mourning someone who doesn’t want to be with me in the afterlife anyway.
Omg! Me too.
Because his death was just so out of the blue it felt and still does feel to an extent that we left on bad terms. I know we didn’t, we were completely fine. It’s such an absolutely ridiculous way to feel but I just can’t help the way my mind works. I keep thinking what if he’s up there now looking down and sees a different side of me or thinks I haven’t grieved enough. What if he sees me laughing and joking with other people and thinks I don’t care anymore.
For a while I felt like I Iet him down. Had I missed something in the days before he died? What if he doesn’t love me as a partner anymore? What if he realises I’m not a very nice person? What if he thinks I’m sick in the head for starting to think of myself and my future when he’s only been gone eight weeks? Ughh. My head is scrambled.
I really hope I get some peace and closure from my reading. I just need to know that he does still love me and that we were completely ok when he passed.
I’m watching the afterlife now, I just literally put it on. He has a video at the beginning and he wouldn’t have thought the thoughts that we did. The lack of a goodbye for us complicates our grief massively I think
Same with out of the blue . I do know what to think anymore I’m gone through all the emotions as you have . I’ve just been out to get things for the garden ( practical stuff ) and I was cursing him so if he is watching he will bloody know. One thing I do know IF there is anything after he will be heartbroken he’s not here anymore and that makes me sad .
I just still struggle to think that death is final and that’s it ?! xx