Everything is fine, I'm doing okay

Losing a partner
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12 weeks on from my wife’s death and I’ve realised all anyone want’s to hear from me when they ask, is that “everything is fine, I’m doing okay”!

At least 80% of my friends have vanished completely and I never see them or even receive a text. Of the few who have kept some contact with me, it is very obvious hearing the truth about the nightmare I am living is awkward, inconvenient or otherwise not what they want to hear. Sitting with a man in his forties in tears is just too much for them, so for their sake I put on a front and act the way they are most comfortable with.

I gather this is fairly normal. I was warned before my wife’s death that this would happen, by forums such as this and also from friends… ironically from many of the ones who have now disappeared. It’s presumably human nature or perhaps our western culture that manifests its phobia of death in this kind of behaviour. I’m no doubt guilty of acting this way to others in the past before I understood grief first hand as I do now.

This is a lonely road and it seems for me at least, I have no choice but to walk it alone. I hope one day I can use this experience to be a better friend to another when they inevitably go through this in their life.

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You definitely find out who your friends are on this awful journey. It’s nearly 7 months since I lost my partner, and surprisingly some of his friends have been the most supportive.
Unfortunately I have found that even when I try and explain how I’m feeling when people ask, they just don’t get it, I know I didn’t, no one can unless they have experienced the same.
You are not alone on here, so keep posting as you need. Maybe if you feel you need to talk to someone in person counselling may help. I had some at around the 3 months stage. Most of it was crying but it did feel good to get the emotions out

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Friends come and go all the time. Concentrate on the ones around just now. Some people just really don’t know how to respond to grief.

Time will come that you will make new friends. It feels lonely just now but it doesn’t always have to be that way.

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@Flotsom Aye it’s really is an eye opener. As you say people just don’t get it, don’t know how to respond, don’t know how to relate to the singular you in some cases. Even with friends that can listen I still find it a lonely road, it can be nothing else. I kept being honest and in time some of my friends came round, came back, I think that they need time to realise that you have changed, you aren’t the you you were.

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I’m having the same experience as you ,I’ve stopped telling people how I really feel because I can see it in there eyes they don’t want to hear how I really feel .it’s only been 9 weeks since my wife passed away, I see family members getting on with there life’s acting like I should do the same but I don’t even want to live let alone get on with living .

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Know how you feel you are not alone

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I understand completely this lonely road and I do have a good network around me. I still feel that loneliness when I’m at home. I think people do try to understand but the loss is not the same for them, they can just carry on like before whereas my whole life has been turned upside down!

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There is that thing about being totally alone even in a crowd. I am very lonely. I had few friends before as I couldn’t go out much. Was totally reliant on my husband and the car. Now virtually housebound.

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I have just signed up for a thing called ‘Good Sam’ with the NHS. Not done anything yet but there are different things you can do! I have a car so I’m hoping to pick up prescriptions and shopping for people but sometimes it’s just someone lonely wanting to chat which can be over the phone. It might be worth you having a look.

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Age uk have a similar scheme I am investigating. I am good at talking. I can also listen as had to do it in my job. Thanks. Xx

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Good Luck. I’m sure there are people that would appreciate your help. X

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Hello Desmond here so sorry for your loss, I too have loss some one I loved less then 2 weeks ago, she was from Florida state U.S, I met her on line about 5-6 years ago now and we build up a contact on line, was hoping some time soon we’d met up, and be together, but I found out last monday that she died from this new Covid going around in florida, and she went very fast indeed, I did not know till a week after her death, I’m an broken in side always in tears, she was very much in to me, and in time yes I got to love her too, now I know hope deeply I did, as I’ve not stopped crying since she died, she was only 52, I’m 55, we’ve not lost what could have been, together, me and Liz , god rest your soul Liz I won’t forget you, never

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I find my eyes fill and if I try to speak I cry. But when my eyes fill they look at me and you can see they realise wrong question.
I hate is there anything you need
Yes can you raise the dead has become my latest response

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Wel actually i dont think thats a good enough excuse for people !! My husband even though didnt realise it himself …was unwell … was helping one of our neighbours ( who did also pass way sadly!) Just before he came unwell himself ! I just think we live in a very impatient, intolerant world where people cant really be bothered if it means making an effort to think or feel :frowning: !!
Theres all this rubbish around "being positive " etc etc … huh … i wonder how positive these same people would be if lost their partner ??

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@Desmond - I am so sorry that Liz has died - what a blow, what a shock for you. You will find that we understand on here, we are a community of friends who all know the pain, sadness, bewilderment and anxiety that comes with the loss of a partner. Keep posting, there is always someone around to listen, to be with you. Take care, my friend.

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Thxs you so much, I’ll give you the low down on me and her ok, thxs for reading what I had written ok lets go back 5 or 6 years ok I chat alot on line, any way and a women from Florida stated chating to me, I thought oh ok, but with in a few chat I saw that she was very in to me, I was a bout 49-50 then, she was about 2-3 years younger, any way we you to chat a lot, ie for hours, even thought there a 5-6 hour time gap, between London, where I am and Florida where shes from, I’d up up going to bed when it was daylight lol, that how long our chats were, the distant, between us was always at the back of my mind, but like alot of things, I pushed that though out, any way she became more in to me I could see that, she was lonely, like me, we both got no kids not married, so we found each other on line , and even thought I not say to her out right that I loved her, I knew there was feeling and love there for her,but not 100% sure how strong it was for her, ok was chating to her on the 29th july, she seems ok, but I was busy from then on and though ok chat again to her when I free, then I looked at my Skype account to see if she’d been on line to only fine a message from her boss that she had died of Covid less then a week earlier, I thought GOD NO NO NO, this is NOT real, but it was, and she was thinking of me on her death bed, co’s she got her boss to write that message to me, she must of loved me so much, it now I know I loved her, just as much now, I’ve not stopped crying and I’m BROKEN IN 2, I’m falling apart in myself, god how I loved her, and I did nothing, but I had plans to fly to Florida next year to see her, but not tell her, as I not thought any thing would happen to her, god how wrong I was, I miss her so much now, my love for her is so big, we were both alone and lonely, and needed each other, I was not looking for love when I 1st met her , but by hell I found it, even crying now as I write this, I’m just so BROKEN inside, I’m in bits,oh Liz I love you so much, she in my HEART now FOREVER and she not leaving it FROM desmond

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Oh @Desmond - I am so sorry - to have lost such love as this is so, so hard. I know - for I was so lucky to have had the love of a great person, too, in my case it was Tom. Your love for Liz will definitely live on and I believe that she still loves you. You see, Desmond, I believe that our loved ones are just a bit ahead of us on the road, waiting for us to join them but wanting us to keep living, to enjoy our time before we meet again. It must have taken a lot for you to share your story, your love, your sadness with us - so thank you. We all understand, my friend and you have people here who are right with you, even though you can’t see us. I am 19 months in, now and I can say in all honesty that things do get easier as the months pass. Not that I love Tom any less, but I am accustomed, albeit unwillingly, to his absence. Hold tight, know you have friends here who are always ready to listen and to sit with you as you remember Liz and all she means to you. Loads of love, Vancouver

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To tell you the truth, that’s the last thing we are doing, is doing fine, if the truth be really known we are broken and in bits and in lots of pain, I know that I am, it it will take a very very long time before I’m doing fine again

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Hello I hope you don’t mind if I talk about Liz a lot do you ? God I miss her so much, she was so in tome and loved me and I LET HER DOWN,I was too selfish, I never thought I’d fall in love with her, as she lived to far ie in Florida, and I in London, but it did not take her very long to fall in love with me, and I could not see it, again being too selfish , just thinking of my self, but she mush have saw some thing in me in those 1st few chats that she liked in me, she was very lonely, all she wanted was love, and I let her down, god I’m so broken now, in a flood of tears as I type this to you now, you see I was a career for my old mom and my Autistic brother, so my hands were tied, so to speck, were both very lonely in our self, she did not want me to go to bed, just chat to her, she trusted me with her life, and I let her down, I was not good enough for her, I did get to tell her I’d like to met up with her in time, I’m interested in no one else now, its take her death to destroy any love for any one else, I could not understand how she could fall in love with me so fast at the time, & thought she was just making it up, but its funny I fell in love with her and I did not even know it, but I said nothing, again I let this women down, and now she gone,poor Liz, after I found out she died I just fell apart, and as I not been to a church or a R.C Mass in a very long time, last time I was still in school, in my 50s now, I went to my local R.C church and I wanted a Mass said for Liz as soon as I could get on, and I went toit 2day, 2weeks after she died, I was told she died in the morning on the 13th Aug & I’m 5 hrs in front so from 5 am uk time, 12 midnite florida time I could not sleep, till the mass as 11 am uk time, that I went too, and I cried & cried all the way through it, the church was 3/4 full 7 I was 4th row from the back of church, just near the centre ale, and out of my left eye, near me I could see what was and looked like a white light, it hovered for about a second, as I looked at it, it went ? What to you make of that ? from Desmond

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I know exactly where you’re coming from. I too have lost my wife of 47 years and like you say we meet people who ask “you ok?” and we automatically say yes I’m fine thanks and move on. Inside I’m a total wreck with what seems a hopeless future. I’ts coming up to 3 years since losing my wife and I still break down in tears daily…at home, in public…wherever the loss hits me. There’s no shame or embarrassment…I find night times very difficult and from around dusk the most difficult and just long for bedtime to arrive…I find sleeping my way of coping.

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