EVERYDAY is harder than the last ,the things you have to change and adjust to is so unreal.
The things you have to change , meeting people you know and them asking “ how you doing” when you really feel like saying “ just how do you think I’m doing I’m living the dream” when really it’s one big nightmare.
Everything seems so frustrating and such an effort.
You try to live as normal as you can going to work , helping my elderly mum, helping with grandchildren, looking after pets and now all that is done alone.
A year on and I’m still having bad days not all the time .
Sometimes it all feels worse now than it did in the early days .
Take care all who read this post x x
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Tillwemeetagain where do you start but then do we really want to start . Everything seems so mixed up and pointless
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I am finding it extremely difficult - if not impossible - to function as the first anniversary approaches. The crying, screaming and shouting is just intensifying - predominantly asking my husband why we bothered working so hard for retirement when he could throw it all away. I have to be honest the motorbike took more than my husband and me that day, the impact on our kids is just so heartbreaking I do not think I will ever get over this anger.
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@Sheila26 hello Sheila I am so sorry things are so difficult it must be so hard with the first anniversary approaching I feel your pain and I feel for you and your kids its ok to be angry I think its a part of the grief we are feeling you are in my thoughts and I’m often around if you want to chat shout or scream take care sending love and hugs x
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Sheila, you are in my thoughts. Nothing we can say or do can make it better but my heart goes out to you.
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Hi to all if you, we are all on this treadmill that just seems to just go on and on, the emotions are always there, wether it be, sadness, anger, crying, guilty, will they stop? Do we want them to stop? If they do will that mean we are ready to move on with our lives without our loved ones? I’m not sure I want to, I dont want to ever stop feeling the emotions for my mum, while my heart aches for her I feel a closeness to her, no one can prepare you for this journey we are all on, my heart goes out to each of you, I hope we can help each other through these dark days and nights,
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Dear @Sheila26
I too am angry so I can understand why you are. I want to blame someone something anything.
Was it me, did I give my husband covid?
Did I agree to the docs switching off the ventilators too soon
Did the hospital staff just write him off because of his age
Why didn’t I get help sooner
Why did I insist he go to work instead of retiring as he wanted to
Why didn’t I insist the docs give him invermectin
We took all the precautions but obviously not enough to beat covid.
All these folk running at speed back to pubs restaurants etc are sadly mistaken if they think they are safe now, over 6000 cases now here in Scotland & too many deaths.
I am so desperately sad, I miss my man so very very much.
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I keep going through the equivalent questions and we still don’t have the Coroner’s report so I am guessing at different things. If they actually got the reports done promptly it would help people who are going through what my family are going through. My anger is more towards the systems that make it harder because of the time - over 5 months now.
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Dear Jules4
At least I have had the answer since the first day. I cannot imagine what it must be like to still be waiting over five months. There appears to be no compassion for those grieving. Information surrounding our loved ones just seems to be put aside until we start jumping up and down. I have had to chase up probate and pension companies are asking for repeat completion of the same forms. We do not need this additional crap.
Sheila x
Dear Maigret
I wish I could relieve yours, others and my own pain. It is a desperate road that we find ourselves on and not one of our choosing. I go over and over things that perhaps I should have done differently, especially why I was just not enough for him to stay home and be with me instead of the bike. but I am left to only tell myself that I will never get answers until I am with him again.
I have read many post from those who have lost loved ones through Covid. Every single one of them so tragic. I agree that too many are running back out thinking they can resume life as normal.
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Yes, I’ve had to fill our repeat forms and now the process has stalled because they too want the Coroner’s report. So many implications for mental health and finances and when we speak to the Coroner’s office they have nothing more on the system than in the first weeks! I think if they were in the situation, the system would be altered!
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Hi - I had the same issues but fortunately not as long as you are experiencing. My hubby was classed as a death under investigation so had the autopsy, then go through having parts of his organs sent places for testing. So only an interim death certificate, which was an electronic version due to Covid. The amount of problems I had with the pension company was untrue. It’s the last thing you need on the top of everything else. It does eventually get sorted though. Keep strong
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Thank you, I will but it seems another unnecessary thing that we should be dealing with. The systems should support bereaved people - not make it harder for them.
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Hi I agree with every word you’ve said ,as I’m going through exactly the same .
I lost my husband 4 yrs ago this Dec, & I said then it’s just an existence, & it hasent changed.
Iv tried, I hav good days & bad days,
U think u r over the worse of losing some 1 u loved so much, & then it comes back the grieve, I feel it’s always bubbling under the surface, waiting 2 upset me again.
Well i wish u all the best.
Pauline
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@PaulineM1 hi I am so very sorry for your loss I lost my soulmate in April and I am struggling everyday its so hard without them it does help a little to talk on here to people that understand I hope you get some moments of peace sending hugs x
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Hi Casey, it must be so very hard for u as it is very early days.
Nothing u can do except go @ yr own pace, & @ times I felt I was going mad with the grieve.
Nothing any 1 says or does takes the pain away.
Keep strong for yr husband, that’s what I kept telling my self.
Take care. Pauline x
@PaulineM1 hi Pauline it’s the worst pain I have ever experienced I’m trying everyday but it feels like it’s getting harder I can’t believe she is gone just can’t get my head around it and my heart is broken she was my life and its empty without her
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Hi @Casey1
I still can’t believe my Marti has gone, I loss him in January, every day is a struggle without him. He was my world, the only person I’ve loved so much and not having him by myself is painful every day. Everything I do is not the same as it’s without him.
Do you find you panic a lot and get scared knowing this is your life without Pauline now, I seem to be getting worse with the panicking, I don’t feel right in anything I’m doing. From the time I get up to going to bed I see my Marti’s happy cheeky face and his sparkling eyes. Everyone is going about doing what they have to, my world has stopped. I see old couples hand in hand, never thought I can’t have that with my Marti now. The one person that meant so much to me, who I shared everything with, who I loved so much has gone. I honestly don’t know how to cope. I read about people go work, gym, walking, keeping busy, meeting people , I do this (except meet people) which distracts for a little while. It’s so painful and hard still when keeping busy.
I always read your posts, I can hear the pain you are in and the love you had for Pauline, your not alone.
Take care Casey
Amy x
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@Amylost hi Amy I am so very sorry you lost marti its such a different world without them thankyou for replying to me and yeah I do panic we have 3 pets and I’m terrified of losing them I get scared that I can’t do it without her but I have to try to somehow I read the posts on here and there are so many people in so much pain it’s heartbreaking and I now find myself looking at couples hand in hand and it hurts that I can never do that again with pauline I tell myself that I was lucky to have found my soulmate as are all of us that did but the pain of losing them its so devastating and heartbreaking I’m on my own apart from the pets everyday so I have a lot of time where things just go round and round In my head I feel very isolated I have been trying to find a bereavement group to join to see if that helps at least it would give me some contact with people it does help talking on here everyone understands and are willing to listen when I talk about pauline you take care Amy sending love and hugs