It’s been just over a year now on this lonely journey . Not only have I had to cope with the loss of the love of my life but there’s also the everyday things .
The kids ( not that they ask for much at all) support with the grandkids, going to work ( part time) things that happen in the house breakdowns , decorating,general maintenance. All of this is done single handed EVERYTHING lands on us and us alone.
I’m sure that if I had collected my tears over this past year I would be able to bath in them .
People say you have to move on , not that easy is it , get out and do stuff not that easy is it. Go here go there not that easy is it, get passport go on holiday not that easy is it not that I want to go abroad given the present situation we are all in .
Anyway that’s my rant over take care all to take the time to read my rant xxxx Karen
It’s a very scary place, it’s been nearly 11 weeks since my husband died very suddenly, no warning at all, since then I’ve had mortar from the wall come loose, the toilet break and my sons curtain rail come off the wall. The fact that I alone am now responsible for all this, as well as bringing up our 2 children and bringing in a wage, is terrifying. I’ve always been with him, we made decisions together on everything and now I have no one to reassure me that I’m doing the right thing, making the right choice. I have never felt so alone x
Dear Kazzer
I have had a similar rant today about the same thing. I have been out trying to get the garden and hedges cut for winter. I rarely did t I am these jobs and certainly never cut the hedges but now it is all down to me. Husband was OCD about his tools and if he is looking down will now be impressed at the state I return them to the garage but tough I am doing the best I can.
I agree with your comments regarding the list of things that people will say. Things are still very hard and I still only do the essentials.
Karen, Lilyboost, Sheila
I so understand everything you’re saying here! My darling Sunny died 4 and a half months ago. It seems like a minute and also a lifetime. I’ve already ranted in another post about not being able to mow the lawn for ages because that was “his” job. Actually getting out and doing it, kind of meant that he was really gone and I just couldn’t accept that reality. When I DID finally do it, I trudged up and down our little lawn crying my eyes out…
I’m glad that we did household jobs together though (two years ago we replaced rotten joists under my floor) and he taught me all sorts of practical skills like drilling and stuff. That’s all very well, and all of us on here could learn any number of skills to keep a house from falling down. The fact is though that I don’t WANT to do any of this stuff by myself because it means he’s gone and never coming back. He’ll never say again, “Soph babe, pass me the lump hammer” etc etc. It’s missing the partnership, the working together, helping each other out, being best friends, looking after each other, that is so bloody awful. In the last few weeks I’ve paid a nice bloke to do a couple of things like install a new tap on my kitchen sink, and it’s been a relief to be honest. I’d definitely say get someone in to do these household repairs- it makes things feel a tiny bit less out of control.
As for people advising you to do this that and the other, I’ve had lots of that too. “Go on holiday Soph” being a favourite. People seem to think I’d have the confidence and the inclination to.pop off on a solo holiday! The one piece of advice that I am looking at is getting a cat or dog. I’ve borrowed my sister’s mini daschund a couple of times and it has been very comforting to have another heartbeat in the house. So that’s something I’m considering.
Wishing us all love and peace x
Dear Sophie26
Me and hubby down-sized over 4 yeara ago into a very small bungalow. Every Thursday we would sweep through the house, one room at a time, him sweeping and me using the hoover to vacuum up the piles of debris as he went. At the end we would sit down have a cup of tea and a toasted tea-cake and just laugh that this was our old-age together. Unfortunately I never got to retire before he died. We had planned a once in a life-time holiday to celebrate. I have had people tell me that I can go and have the holiday - oh yeh without the one person that I want, need and miss desperately at my side.
I do use tradesmen now, but trying to get them to come and do the small jobs is almost impossible. My nephews are sorting this out for me for the most part. My husband had every form of tool, collecting them since he was 16. We too used to do the jobs ‘together’ me being his ‘runner’. They are all just gathering dust in the garage now, with his outdoor coat still hanging in the place he left it. Our son wants most of the tools but doesn’t have a garage. Son is not practical whatsoever but knows how much they meant to his dad.
As you say I can put my hand to the gardening and some small jobs in the house but the reality is I so desperately want not to have to be doing this. I just need my man. xxxx
Anger is my middle name since my husband died.
Yes I’m angry too! I’ve developed an approach to.life now that’s basically- I now know that this is the worst experience that’s ever happened or is ever going to happen to me, so I just don’t care about the trivial nonsense that I used to care about, and I’m not able to put up with nonsense from others.
Love to all x
Sophie26
Your words really could have come out of my mouth, it’s so good to know I’m not the only one feeling this way, my patience is so limited now, I’d always been know for having lots, but not anymore, do hope this will all pass in time, its only 17 weeks for me and counting, can’t imagine the next 10 to 15 years.
Hugs Chrissy3
Dear @Kazzer / Karen,
I so agree with everything you say, having to deal with everything on our own and make decisions alone is just a total nightmare. Our house has been in need of some internal repairs for a few years - free time and available funds never coincided - and my wife and I lived together with the house like that. Now I’m on my own, my view is why the hell bother about fixing it now? What would the purpose be? For me to enjoy it alone, without my soulmate? No thanks. I have absolutely no inclination now, it no longer matters to me. Hopefully I’ll be in a better place before the mortgage needs to be settled.
And @Sheila26, I know what you mean about the gardening. We have a biggish garden with hedges and bushes that need cutting back each year. I’ve spent most of the last 2 weeks doing just that (thank God for the decent weather) and driving back and forth to the council tip on my allotted days. But most days I struggled to get the motivation - it was a case of necessity, rather than wanting to do the maintenance. But when Nicki was here, she would let me know dinner would be ready in 30 minutes or so, then I’d come indoors, flop down in my armchair, and she’d get me a cold drink, and I’d tell her about my gardening escapades. Now, I have to stop an hour sooner to come indoors for a rest before deciding what I’ll scrape together for dinner, no-one to tell about my endeavours, and it all feels so damned pointless. I abhor my existence now. I don’t hate being alone, I hate being here without my wife.
Dear Alston56
I too know what you mean. The jobs in the house are part of my ‘tick’ list of getting things in order for our kids as they were part of the building works we had started before husband died and need Council ‘sign-off’ which will be needed in order to sell the property.
Your comments brought a rare smile (and too frequent tears) as I used to watch my husband do the gardening, going out on the odd occasion to give him guidance and always having a cup of tea on hand to make sure he kept going and planning our dinner/tea to coincide with the completion of the tasks. Like yourself the gardening is done out of necessity, there is no one going to help so I try to do it little and often so it remains manageable. But as you say there is no one to share the stories with, there is no one to do the simple things that brought pleasure - I think that is what family and friends just cannot comprehend. We loose more than that one person we loose ourselves or certainly that is how I feel.
Hello Karen I know exactly how you feel , people say the same to me move o go back to work have a holiday I could scream sometimes. I know they are trying to help and probably dont know what to say!.
Just going to be a new way of life but it’s just getting there . Xx
Hi, you could be talking about me! I lost my husband nearly 8mths ago, and im devasted. Yes, I know exactly how you feel, having to do all those things that our husbands/partners did…the boilers leaking, find a plumber, sort out the house insurance? My cars been making a funny noise, what do I know about cars? its endless. And tbh I dont want to move on, I dont feel I can yet. I just muddle my way through atm, do my part time job, help look after my grandaughter, cook eat, clean and walk my dog. A lonely life right now. And I cry…alot
Dear Anitadiane11
My husband died in September last year. In a rare moment of sanity I took out boiler insurance with British Gas which was just as well as the boiler broke on Christmas morning. I was in melt-down but a neighbour did a temporary fix until British Gas came out and replaced the part. I have extended this to include plumbing and electrics this year. My husband’s car the broke down a couple of weeks later.
Like yourself I do not want to move on, look after our grandsons and cry. Still sometimes cannot believe this is really now my life.
Take care.
Sheila
Only this morning I added Green flag breakdown recovery to my car insurance , cant just ring my husband to come help me anymore can I, its made me feel a bit more confident if I do venture out in the car now. Knowing I can call them to help. Its these things we left to our capable husbands and partners that we don’t even think about , well I didnt with my fog brain. That we have to step up and do for ourselves now, I know he is smiling that I’ve done this.
Hugs to you all
Chrissy3
It’s a very lonely place without your partner at your side.
I am currently on holiday in Blackpool with my 14 nearly 15 year old son. We have done nice things together but he obviously needs to do things on his own . I have been shopping which is ok, but I do that at home.
I am sat in a bar with my phone and a book surrounded by couples and families.
I know when my son is older I will either be holidaying with my brother and his wife or alone. I have always been a bit shy so find mixing difficult.
I don’t mind my own company but just miss Kevin being there so much.
At 54 I don’t relish the thought of the next 20 odd years being like this 
Hi MrsP1
I’m sitting there with you in spirit.
My own loss has brought it home to me that things are still generally very different for men and women in terms of feeling free and confident enough to do things solo. You feel you have to have at least a book and a phone with you in bars and restaurants to show that you’re relaxed and quite happy dining solo etc.
My partner and I had a little dream that we’d travel down California in a camper van. That dream is gone but its crossed my mind about whether I could do the trip solo. I’ve found a US website that hires out campervans and talks in very positive terms about women in their 50s doing it solo. I’m 55 and part of me is saying “why the hell not- Sunny would be proud of me?” The other part is saying “don’t be ridiculous you silly woman!” I don’t know which side of my brain will win that particular argument but what I do know is that for me to survive this heartbreak and move forward and have a good life, I’m going to have to change my approach to it and try to get a bit braver. As you say, we might have 20-30 reasonably healthy years ahead of us- like you I don’t want them to be miserable. Tapping into my passions and interests is where I guess I need to start.
Lots of love
Do it! I always loved travelling with my husband - that’s what we were going to do a lot of when we retired. I have gone away twice in the 7 months since he died (holidays that we had booked in the U.K.) and I’ve taken my adult children but I hope that I will have the confidence to do it solo if I need to. What’s the worst that could happen? The worst already has happened as far as I am concerned.
Sounds an idea to be explored, just the planning of it would be good, lots to fill your mind and time with, maybe you could try a short time away in the UK in a camper van to see how you feel actually doing it, before making the major trip, all sounds very exciting, would love to hear how you get on, share you adventure, we can all travel with you in our minds,
Hugs Chrissy3
My wife wasn’t in the best of health before she passed and little by little she showed me how to do most of the jobs she usually did while I was at work. Once I finally retired we shared the jobs and though I am sometimes too thick to grasp the obvious,I now realise that Elaine was training me for the time when she would no longer be able or not there to do the jobs.
I have a weekly routine for laundry washing , and woe betide me if I ever mixed whites and coloured articles. Pegging out on the clothes line in the good days is now down to a fine art and I then sit out on the deck with my coffee until time to take the dried wash down and put away in the cupboard. This is when the solitude really hits home, when we folded things together and laughed at me trying to keep everything in the basket going upstairs. Cooking is ok as I was always pretty good at this and the web is full of wonderful recipes. However, when I make chicken rice soup from various recipes it never tastes as good as Elaine’s and that is where I should have paid more attention instead of just gratefully eating it without seeing how it was made to her individual taste. Dusting and hoovering is part of the weekly routine and also time for the occasional bubble when tidying her dressing table items which I haven’t the heart to remove.
This isn’t meant to be a rant, just talking out loud to some friends I have yet to meet online who are in the same crazy life as me.
Stay safe everyone.Gordon
I feel so daunted by the future without my husband, my children are still young, 14 and 17 but eventually I know I shall be by myself, as they go off and make their own lives (as they should) I feel I will never be brave enough to go away on my own. I have no siblings, and no aunts or uncles or cousins here so do feel quite isolated. At 48 I’m so aware that I mights have a fair amount of time alone. I was never afraid of the future until now x