My amazing husband, Chris, died on 10th October 2022 and my heart breaks a little more each day that he isn’t by my side. He died only 25 days after being diagnosed with small cell lung cancer.
38 weeks on and I’m not afraid to admit that I’m only existing, not really living. Even though I have the support of some truly wonderful friends, it doesn’t stop the loneliness or change the fact that I feel I am all alone in the world. I have family or children so my friends are my lifeline.
I know nothing can make what happened any less s**t. I just need to get the below out of my head before I self-combust. I don’t even know what responses I want, just someone to acknowledge me. I know ultimately only I can change how I feel but I’m just so tired.
I just feel so lost and don’t know who I am any more. I loved being Chris’ wife. We had 28 years together, years filled with love and laughter and I miss that so much. I miss him, I miss us but I also miss me. I loved my life and the one I have now just feels so empty, just going through the motions.
I do my best to keep from falling into a pit of despair. I’ve kept up with my exercise routine of riding my bike, I also take long walks with a friend. I crochet and also have taken up cross stitch as it keeps my mind empty. I’m also a gamer (Xbox/Playstation).
I am sad that my love of music hasn’t returned. From a very young age I have played many different instruments and also wrote music but my passion has gone. I have tried to play but my mind won’t focus and it seems pointless. I am grateful though that I can listen to music.
I returned to work only 9 weeks after Chris died. At the time I felt I needed routine but also felt pressure to work as it was a job I’d only started a couple of months before. It has been so difficult to motivate myself to learn a new job whilst grieving. I’m exhausted and to be honest I am not enjoying the role. I feel like I need to quit so I can take some time to breathe and think about what role I want now my life has changed. Unfortunately my manager has declined my request to permanently reduce my hours and I know I am not capable of full time work whilst having to do everything else on my own such as shopping, cleaning, cooking.
My brain overthinks and I know I need to take things one day at a time but it’s hard to do that when I’m thinking of quitting work and how that will impact my future.
Thank you to all who read and/or respond to my rambling. Rachael xx