I wondered if it was appropriate to put a post on Facebook explaining my life after the loss of my husband.I would like to try to make people understand the enormity of what has happened when they ask how are you.They I think believe when the funeral is over everything goes back to normal and you pick up the threads of your life.It’s impossible for me to explain without getting upset so I thought if I explain in a message on FB it may go some way for people to understand what a devastating affect this has had on me.
The only way I can relate to this is Christmas time. I put a post out to me family and friends that I found it impossible to write Xmas cards with only my name on them. Instead I wished them a merry Christmas and made a donation to the British Heart Foundation instead. I am lucky in that my family and friends realise the enormity of my situation and have grieved with me every step of the way. I am sure everyone knows how you are feeling and not sure a FB post is the answer. I am sure your family and friends know exactly how you are feeling but like it or not their lives must go on. Rest assured they will be there when you need them.
Hope this helps
I did the same at christmas just to let people know that I wasn’t sending Christmas cards and gave a donation to Marie curie.
I’m not one for putting personal posts on Facebook and I agree that I don’t think it’s the answer but if you feel it may help you do it. We all deal with things differently and what’s right for someone may not be right for someone else. I wish you well xx
I agree with Barbara do whatever makes you think is right. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and we grasp at straws in the hope that one day we’ll feel a little better.
I’ve been avoiding posting anything on Facebook since my husband & soulmate died due to covid 13 months ago. The things I would want to post about how I honestly feel wouldn’t sit comfortably alongside pics of dinner plates, nights out, selfies, pouts & cute furbabies & holidays.
But if I did, it would be this:
“The death of a spouse or partner is different
than other losses, in the sense that it literally
changes every single thing in your world
going forward. When your spouse dies, the
way you eat changes. The way you watch TV
changes. Your friend circle changes (or
disappears entirely.) Your family dynamic/life
changes (or disappears entirely). Your
financial status changes. Your job situation
changes. It effects your self-worth. Your self-
esteem. Your confidence. Your rhythms. The
way you breathe. Your mentality. Your brain
function. (Ever heard the term ‘widow brain?’
If you don’t know what that is, count yourself
as very lucky.) Your physical body. Your
hobbies and interests. Your sense of security.
Your sense of humor. Your sense of
womanhood or manhood. EVERY. SINGLE.
THING. CHANGES. You are handed a new life
that you never asked for and that you don’t
particularly want. It is the hardest, most gut-
wrenching, horrific, life-altering of things EVER.
And it’s for the rest of your life."
Such moving words which sums up exactly how we are all feeling and what we are going through. Perhaps a personal letter/message to the family and friends will show them exactly how you feel but remember once it’s out there on FB there’s no turning back. At the end of the day it’s your decision and you do what you think is best.
What have we done to deserve such heartache. I have wished so many times that I went instead of my darling John but that would leave him with the heartache I am suffering and not sure how he would have coped.
Much love to everyone
Many thanks for your responses,I can see that you understand what I am trying to make friends and family understand.Because my husband was taken so quickly with stage 4 cancer he had an agressive cancer that left him in unimaginable pain that I couldn’t help him with.People don’t seem able to understand that this has blown a catastrophic hole in my life and I am unable to look forward only backwards.I have a slideshow of him constantly in my head along with favourite music that we loved.I wake up after dreaming of him and find I have been crying in my sleep.I can’t see the point of me and really don’t want to be here anymore,that would be a very uncomfortable thing to say to relatives and friends but that is how I feel.I feel dead inside and look that way behind my eyes I don’t recognise myself anymore.People look at me and think I’m coping,all I can say is I’m functioning but this is my new normal now.All the things we were planning to do is all lost now because he is no longer here to share things with me.He was my soul mate and I know he would be suffering if it were me and not him that had passed away and that would have upset me to think that he would feel as I do.
You have described exactly how I feel. You have put it into words so well xx
Oh dear. Everything you wrote is exactly how it is.
My best wishes to you. I’m sorry for your loss as I’m sorry for mine and everyone else’s on here.
Every word describes everything we are going through,I’ve just been for a little walk,first time I’ve been out in days it makes ne so anxious didn’t help when I fell,don’t know how it happened but I cried all the way home just wanted to tell my husband what had happened
I have gone from a strong,capable woman into someone I don’t recognise
I can recognise everything everyone is saying from my original post,and it does help me to understand that everything I am feeling sounds normal.My problem is that friends and family because this isn’t something that has happened to them yet do not realise the enormous effect this has had on all aspects of my life.They want me to join in family activities,I have a wedding in May that will take me a distance away from my home for about 3 days,this doesn’t sound very much but it is stressing me because I don’t know how I’m going to be emotionaly.My brothers thinks that having family around me will make it okay and that my husband wouldn’t want me to be sad.I know I should go for my brother’s sake but I am really struggling at the moment and I don’t need pressure to do things I’m not really prepared for.I need to find some peace without having to take other peoples feelings into consideration,I think they believe if they fill my head with something else I will get over this more quickly.
Sweetie hi again.
As far as the wedding is concerned I had a similar issue. My husband died suddenly beside me in bed last Easter and our youngest son had his wedding planned for August. I took some counselling to get me through the day as I wanted to be able to make it his day and not about me. I was advised to see the speeches beforehand so there were no surprises. Boy was it tough !! I held it together for the speeches despite everyone else in floods of tears but I cut short the reception to take care of my grandchildren. We had a lovely day and everyone spoke about John fondly.
So my advice to you try to go to the wedding. Ask yourself would your husband want you to be there ? And I do find it a comfort to have my family surrounding me - I know my sons feel closer to their dad when with me in our house.
I know you’ll make the right decision but it has to be your decision and no one else’s. All we
Can do on this forum is share our experiences in the hope you can grasp some comfort.
All the best
Thank you for replying,I was asked to go to a scattering of an aunt’s ashes in April.Apart from the logistics of getting there I will not be able to feel comfortable making small talk etc so I am going to write a polite refusal which I am hoping they will understand.
I am 8 months into this horrible experience and looking at your profile it is still very early days for you. I have a very caring brother who video calls me every day but he didn’t get it. He just wanted to fix me. I spoke to both him and both his wife and broke down at times and tried to explain what it is like. He now treats me differently. We do have to tell people but maybe it is kinder to tell those close to us individually and it will make our relationships with them stronger.
If you search for Megan Devine she has some great advice on her website of how to treat someone who is grieving. You might be able to give this to your relatives. There also some great podcasts. I would also recommend her book. ‘It’s ok that you’re not ok’ If you feel you want to go to the wedding would you have a close understanding friend that you could take to support you so you won’t feel so alone?
My son is getting married in June and I have arranged to go with my ex husband which may sound weird but we are still good friends and he would have been going alone as well and it will help me.
It is so hard and we all feel that no-one else but those have been through it can understand. In my worse moments I have even secretly thought ‘just wait till it happens to you’ when that overly cheerful person has said to me ‘times a great healer’ or changed the subject to something bad that’s happened to them when I’ve tried to talk about it
Hi Judynews,I lost my husband near the end of November last year.My brother and others have done as you have said,suggesting that I can join this that and the other.I am nowhere near that stage yet,I end up in tears when I have to go somewhere we have been together.I did write an email that I sent to myself trying to set out how I was feeling,I was thinking of putting on FB but I think that was a bad idea.I thought I might send it to my brother so he may understand how traumatic this has been to me,I can’t explain what it feels like in conversation as I get too upset and I think he may get upset as well .I don’t want to send it out of the blue but I might just tell him what I have done and ask if he would like me to send it to him so he may understand what is happening to me.
That sounds a good idea and maybe if you can send him something about advice about how to help people who are grieving. I think cruise have some. You could always share the link and he can chose whether to read it. I am sure he cares and men can have a tendency to want to fix things.
I have now sent the email because he said he would like to read it.I told him it would probably upset him,but he said that was okay.I know he means well and would do anything to make me feel better,but I told him there is nothing he can say or do really because nothing makes it better.I feel better that I have explained things to him now and he may understand a bit more.My other brother’s wife is another matter,she has no concept of it at all unfortunately.She thinks bringing all her children and grandchildren to see me is a good idea.Ordinarily I would love to see them all but at the moment it would be too overwhelming.
You must do what you’re most comfy with. I found having people around me that I knew cared about me gave me something else to think about. Family gatherings I’ve attended since Jo went, Christmas etc, have been difficult at times but generally OK. Your loved one is always present in the memory and will never, ever be forgotten but try and give yourself a break now and again. My advice to you is go to the wedding but we are all different there’s no right or wrong answer. You must do what feels best for you.
I couldn’t agree more we must all deal with this nightmare the best way we can but from personal experience I feel so much better being around people. I’ve started volunteering at the local community hub/food bank and helping other people and working alongside other ladies has really helped me as much as I help the people who come in for help. I’ve also tried to join in family gatherings and although it’s strange in some respects it also gives me great comfort being around people who love me and my husband their dad, grandad and brother they have also lost.
Much love to all
That’s it we are just functioning on a daily basis up and get through each day. My husband from diagnosis had a short 10 brutal weeks till he passed in front of myself and my daughter.
That scene of that morning will forever haunt me
It destroys lifes losing our husbands partners.
Life won’t ever be the same again