On September 24th this year my wife passed away at 54 years of age.
We have 6 kids all grown and left home now, they have been at my side for most of this time helping with funeral and my moving to a new home.
I have broken down so many times but have for the most part concealing how I am feeling.
Yesterday was Tinas birthday I knew it would be a difficult day, but it turned out to be the worst day of my life, I am so angry at Tina for leaving me alone and I don’t want to be, others assure me it will get easier but if anything, I’m worse now.
I need help as I cannot continue staring into the bottom of a glass for solace…
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@Tony123 I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner 20 weeks ago today and can relate only too well to how you are feeling.
I bet yesterday was an excruciatingly painful day, I cannot even begin to imagine how hard that day will be when it comes.
With regards to concealing the pain… I almost think it’s easier to pretend everything is “okay” rather than have to defend my grief although that probably isn’t the most healthy option.
I have not yet found myself getting angry with Miles for leaving me but instead I get angry with everyone around me. I sometimes feel like I have become a very negative person, but after having your whole world taken from you, it’s hard not to be.
I like you have also been trying to find some solace through staring at the bottom of an empty glass. As far as I see it, it helps to soften the situation.
Hi Tony. I am so very sorry for your loss. We, on here, know exactly how you are feeling as we are there ourselves. I lost my wonderful husband nearly 3 weeks ago and the pain is sometimes intolerable. Keep posting on here and you are sure to get lots of support. I wouldn’t have coped without my three grown up children. I have no words of wisdom, it’s just a horrendous path that we are travelling together. Big cuddle to you xx.
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I couldn’t agree with you more @Jean8.
I have only in the past few days joined this forum and cannot believe how many other people are feeling this state of complete desolation.
In a time where you feel so isolated and alone it is so nice to find a group of people that are so supportive and like you say, are all trying to navigate this life that we never asked for together.
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@B_Quick,So very sorry for your loss, life really is so unfair.
So many around me keep repeating it will be OK in time or time is a great healer to my knowledge none of these people have lost a wife or husband and the repetitive comments wear me down, having to keep on spouting yes, I understand when it clearly makes no sense irritates me so much.
The countless sleepless nights and continually drinking too much are taking their toll on my health, only 6 weeks ago I was a 38 waist today I’m in 34s and they are loose, I rarely bother to eat properly as I just cannot be bothered, I know I need to get out of the pit I find myself in I just cannot see the way-out signs.
Having complete melt downs whilst in Tesco etc is so embarrassing yet I cannot control my emotions or the tears that accompany them.
I would normally be paralytic by now but this morning I chose not to have any alcohol today, it’s been a struggle and I am contemplating driving over to Tesco to grab a bottle to level me out,my personal hygiene is not great now and that was never me, I know I’m falling, it’s just how far can or will I fall before i can start to climb back up.
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@Jean8 Thanks for your kind words, I will keep an interest in the site as it is distracting me a little from my constantly running through the recent events and the wishing I could turn the clocks back, clearly that’s impossible, but I still think it a lot
Sending big hugs back x
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@Tony123 life is cruel and I’ll never understand how it chooses to hurt certain people.
The sleepless nights are tough and I can function for so long until everything becomes too much.
Someone said to me once when I questioned why I was reacting in ways that I wouldn’t usually to certain situations “your cup is already full to the brim so it’s not going to take much to cause it to overflow”. I think that’s a very good analogy to how we feel.
When it comes to eating, I still don’t really have an interest either… what’s the point in cooking a whole meal for one?
If you have made the decision not to drink this evening, try and stick to it if you can, you’ll feel so proud of yourself in the morning.
I rely on alcohol to send me straight to sleep when my head hits the pillow as unfortunately I have been left with a very traumatising image although I know people would try and advise me against it.
My partner and I have an 18 month old dog and she has saved my life more than once. She is the reason I have got out of bed each day. When I feel like life is too much and I want to give up, I look at her and know that I can’t leave her.
We’re all here for you, to support and talk to you.
We’ve all got a long road ahead of us but having this forum I have found a huge comfort.
@B_Quick
Tina passed 5 days before we were due to move into our new home, having to pack the old house up was the most painful task to be continually reminded of memories of the personal items was almost a trauma .
We had chosen to buy a boat and there was no going back so I moved aboard a week later with 3 cats and a large malamute and a husky, the dynamics had completely changed and the dogs turned on the cats daily, they had grown together for many years but every opportunity they got they attacked the cats for 7 weeks I tried my hardest to get the dogs to accept the cats,but I knew I had to rehome the cats fortunately I had an old school friend come to the rescue and all 3 now live with him and his wife, I can visit anytime I want so I feel very fortunate.
The dogs are a lot happier too thank god as there is no way on earth I could let either of them go.
I hope things for all of us will give rise to calmness and happiness, its good to speak with others facing the same or similar issues.
Best wishes to all of us.
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@Tony123 and @B_Quick I too have found comfort on this forum. I’ve had a terrible day organising the funeral. It’s like a horrific nightmare that I can’t wake up from. Great big cuddles to you both. I’m literally dragging myself through every day and I’m exhausted from all the fighting my way through.
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@Jean8
It is my hope that one day soon we will all be able to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel and that we may be able to genuinely laugh and smile again.
I done what I thought Tina would like for the funeral, she would always talk how she liked the horse drawn carriages, so I got the white carriage with the white horses, when it arrived it literally put me to the ground, this was the day I had dreaded her final journey in this world. A family friend videoed its arrival at the crem I have tried to watch it but cannot, as beautiful as it may have been it was our final journey together a journey I had never planned for and still cannot accept.
Biggest hugs back to you
@Tony123 @Jean8 Nobody knows how heavy grief is until they experience it firsthand. It is exhausting.
Jean, I remember planning my Miles’s funeral and I poured everything I had into make sure it was the most special day for him as I’m sure you are.
The day itself for me was a blur overshadowed by a family fall out (I guess people show their true colours in your time of need) but I also had it recorded and one day I may be able to sit down and watch it back with peace knowing that I gave him the send off that he deserved.
@Jean8 There are no rules on that day, you do whatever you need to get through. I was physically help up the whole day. I will tell you though that your body will take control and it will get you through it.
I was terrified for this day as it felt so final but rather than have a “wake” we decided to have festival in my partners honour a few weeks later and we will now make that a yearly event to celebrate Miles’s life.
@Tony123 it sounds like you did the right thing with the cats, it would have only caused you more stress.
Our little furry friends are like sponges and they will absorb everything that we feel. The dogs will be good company and a reason to keep going.
I remember people asking me if I wanted to think about rehoming my little one.,. She is the sole reason I am here today.
It sounds like you have your Tina a beautiful Send off.
I have no idea why we have found ourselves on this path but I’m grateful to everyone that I can be open with - so thank you both of you, we have a unity that not many people will ever understand x
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It will be 12 months on 12December when I lost my husband suddenly. A day I am dreading as life was a blur until his funeral. It didn’t seem real I felt that I would wake up from a really bad dream. The day of his funeral when the cars turned up finally brought it home, he had gone and wasn’t coming back, how I wish it had been a dream as he would still be here. My one son who was at home did CPR on him without success, this was 1.30 in the morning, two of the children came round straight away when they were phoned but my one son never even got the chance to see his dad and say goodbye as he lived over an hour away and had his two young daughters for the weekend. We had lost our border collie in the August as she had gone off her legs so we had to put her to sleep and if that wasn’t enough in May this year my other dog a Jackie Russell had to have a tumour removed. I had been told by the vet that there was a risk she might not survive, but I had to give her that chance. I left her there, got home and was crying all afternoon. Why does life have to be so unfair. Thankfully she has made a full recovery. For the last few months I have felt as if I was doing ok, but this last couple of weeks has seen me crying for no reason. I shall be glad when this year is over. I can’t bear to stay in this house much longer (he died on our bedroom floor). The image of him lying there just won’t go away, so I have told my children that I need to move. I want to remember him as the most kind and loving person he was and not the man lying on the floor, we had tried to lift him but was unable to. We had planned to move in a couple of years, he is not able to do that now but I will do it for him. I shall be taking him with me so when it’s my time wherever I am we will be together again.
@Beachgirl
Sorry for a late reply but for the first time in a long time I have slept, It was interrupted sleep but it was sleep and that is a first step for me. I have gone over 24 hours without alcohol and that for me is a huge step, can I do another day I do not know but I will try.
My wife like your husband died in our bedroom and I simply could not enter that room leaving our kids to pack it away, calling the emergency services and administering CPR to Tina was an horrific experience for me I knew she was gone but they made me keep going and all I felt was that I was hurting her, Im crying now as I write it’s a memory I would rather forget.
If you do move think long and hard about what you want dont just move for the sake of moving I have and I hate it here,Im looking at another property today that may be more suited.
I wish you happiness going forward,there simply must be more to life we have been hurt enough already surely
Big hugs
Thank you Tony for your kind words. I agree that I must make sure I’m doing the right thing. After he died the urge to sell up and move was overwhelming. I hated being here with that last memory, like you I couldn’t go in our room for months, I still hate going in there but needs must. I do need to move at some point as I want to downsize and preferably a one without stairs. I have a fear of falling when I’m on my own. It happened earlier this year, I went out into the garden and fell. I had to work my way to the step to lever myself up as I can’t put pressure on my knees due to the many falls I had years ago. If that step hadn’t been there I would have been stuck out there for hours till my son came home.
The family are all happy for me to move but as you say I am taking my time and thinking long and hard of where I want to be. I hope you find the right place for you.
Hugs xxx
Hi Tony, awful to read what you are going through and sadly myself and many others on these forums can relate to how you are feeling.
I’ve yet to sleep in the flat that my partner and I shared, though in the 11 days since her passing (I also discovered her on the floor and was unfortunately too late to be able to save her - something I’ll always have burned into my brain), though I have found our place a source of comfort.
I’m currently staying with D’s parents and waking up in what was her room at their place, without her is a daily trauma. Life is beyond cruel mate and while you won’t find solutions on here, I’ve found you will find conversation, support and understanding - which in itself is very comforting.
@ARDG
Its good to hear from others in the same place,I dont expect a solution but any of us may have a little bit of advice that can help another through the day
I wish you all the very best on your journey
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Why is this so hard?! I have just been out with my partners friends and his sister and her partner and I couldn’t help but feel irritated the whole time I was with them.
They laugh and joke about things that I can’t and insensitively they joke about taking their own lives (which my partner did) how can they think that is okay?
I don’t know if it is their way of coping with it but surely they can see that that is not okay to say around me… people can be so ignorant to other peoples feelings.
I don’t want to be here anymore. He was my reason for being here.
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It’s awful isn’t it? But even less than two weeks into this awful journey, I’m convinced nobody really knows what to say - I’d probably include myself in that.
I’m trying to avoid getting caught up in small matters that in the grand scheme don’t matter, but I can totally get why it hurts so much when it’s coming from someone that is essentially a family member.
I feel the same when it comes to D, but I know there is no way she’d accept if I just curled up in a ball and gave up.
Maybe I’m alone in this, but I sometimes have felt a bit selfish the last few weeks, thinking about how lonely, how terrible and how sad life will be for me - I just can’t really control my emotions basically.
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Hi @B_Quick. They are being incredibly insensitive and I’m afraid I’d have made no bones about telling them either. I’d go so far as to say they are being bloody cruel. You don’t deserve that and you need to have a word. I’m so terribly sorry that you’ve had to endure that on top of everything else. I am angry on your behalf. Thank God for this forum xx.
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