I lost my husband, Ian, over four years ago now and yet like most of us on here, it seems like yesterday.
For some reason I really struggled over Christmas and often found myself in tears. I was with my daughter and other family members and I’ve been made to feel such a failure for not coping better with my grief.
I know they mean well but I’ve been told in no uncertain terms to get more counselling, change my antidepressant and move nearer to family.
Perhaps I should do all three but I’m really struggling and I found it so hard to take all the criticism. I tried to explain how hard it was to make a ‘new’ life like I have done and that I couldn’t face starting over again somewhere else but they wouldn’t listen.
If only I could just disappear and then all of this would just go away …….
Yes I get pressure from the family. I have to fight to get my perspective over. It causes a lot of stress. I am told I talk too much. But I do not want to hear what they think I should do. I want to do what I feel I have a right to now. I get told to pay for counselling. It feels very hurtful. I don’t feel respected. I feel abandoned. I have to pull myself up by my bootstraps. It is like a whirlwind sometimes. We somehow got what had to be done after a fashion. We gave muddled through. I have felt very lonely over Christmas. Especially this year. It is too long when everyone else is tied up with their family. It feels it is all a struggle. The weather makes it tough.
Dear Trixie1 Please don’t wish to disappear. With some right support, situations ease. Its not pity we need but a proper understanding and allowing emotions to flow out rather than retain due to uneasiness. The tears come thick and fast. So much advice is condescending. I think so many struggled over Christmas. I was staying with family but took myself off for a walk Christmas Day because the emotions were building and had my grief on a secluded park bench. I’ve a daughter in denial about the loss of her mum 3 months ago and she does not want to engage on any level about the loss. My problem, my resolution. Staying with people who constantly hug their husbands triggered moments that sent me to my bedroom, only to catch the glassy eyes of indifference when you re-engage. No one gets its at all. They are embarrassed and full of useless advice about what we should do. Navigating ones emotions in this new phase of ‘social leprosy’ is hard. Keep posting
I never imagined what a comfort this site would become. I much prefer being her than slumped in front of the tv or as now when I cannot sleep and need to dispel all the sad memories. So many this year, ‘You’ve got wonderful memories from your life together’ well they do not eradicate those end of life moments that many endure and I would rather they be here than a memory. Prefer a decent photo as memory unless you have a journal is sketchy. Keep posting
Yes you are rjght there are free councillors. I will have to go on the waiting list. Today it is too cold to go out. I found some jigsaws my husband had neatly put away before he was too ill. I took some down and must remember to put them back. He would have been outside in this cold weather. We used to go for a ride in the car when it was cold and have a picnic in there overlooking a nice view. I wouid paint and he would read the paper. I don’t feel like going on my own. There is a beautiful blue clear sky.
I was told the waiting list for cruise is 10 -12 weeks . I have been waiting since 29 of October. So I am hoping to hear soon and hope the wait is worth it
Sherbet10. I don’t know whether this will help but I waited from mid-July until October for initial contact from Cruse and am due to start telephone bereavement counselling in a couple of weeks. I’m not sure what to expect but need to try anything to ease these dreadful feelings of grief, regret and loneliness. Take care
Your message has helped me , I had my initial consultation with cruse on the 29 October 2025 . I was told I have to wait 10-12 weeks, as there is a big waiting lists . I haven’t heard anything since . I hope the it helps you .
I had several six session counselling free sessions when I first was widowed. I found helpful but hard when you are cut off after your quota. Then have to go on another waiting list.
I met some online friends and we messaged each other which helps. As time goes on I realised that journalling helps.
I am so sorry, but you are not a failure and you should not be criticised for having feelings. The only people who know what you are going through are those who are going through the same. Happily married couples are the worst. I get comfort from 2 friends - one’s a widow and the other a widower. The stronger your love was - the more feelings you have. Do not let anyone put you down. D
