I am really struggling here, toying between feeling angry, hurt, disgusted, every negative emotion… and trying to be happy for my dad.
My mother passed away at home, suddenly, out of the blue, not expected. Myself my sister and father was at home and with her when it happened. It was very traumatic. Since then, my dad has moved on extremely quickly and hasn’t been communicating with us about it very well, and has said some nasty things about how we are coping with grief… It damages so much.
Now he’s just messaged myself, sister and brother, quoting a poem from my aunt’s funeral, which was just a couple of weeks ago, saying ‘it should be read and understood by all’. Trying to manipulate this poem in to what our mother would have wanted. How morbid, to send a picture of a poem from a family members funeral, and relating it to our mother saying it’s what she would want!
Just looking for people’s experiences of this, if they went through something similar. A parent marrying someone else after the tragic loss of a mother/father, completely unexpected and traumatic? How did they go about it? The way he has gone about it is stopping me from being happy for him. I am not sure how to deal with this, or want to even think about going to their wedding. I haven’t even met her!?
I say, embrace his attempts at finding happiness again, and make arrangements to meet his new lady. Hopefully she will be very nice and you’ll be able to welcome her into the family.
I can relate to some parts of it, Even my mom passed unexpectedly and I have never been able to overcome it, its been 6 months and my anxiety has just got worse. My dad when he sees me this way keeps on telling me you need to move and grief doesn’t work this way. He has just handled it so well and keeps on going for parties and enjoys his life, I am 25 and my life is literally stop, and I fear he is dating someone and has completely moved on. My mom had given him everything and took care of his parents and his this attitude and not being for me, makes me experience similar emotions what you are experiencing at the moment plus I have never felt this low to be honest. I need someone’s support but struggling, you are not alone.
Hello @Flowerbird
I’m sorry that you are feeling so very upset.
It does seem that your father has acted very quickly following your mother’s death. You are probably feeling that he has disregarded you and your feelings in this matter by not communicating what has been going on in his life recently.
As someone who lost their father at a young age (18), and recently lost their partner, I would like to say that the two types of bereavement are very, very different. When my parent died I was devastated, and totally lost for 2 years. When my partner died recently I can tell you that this is another devastation completely.
To lose the person you planned to spend the rest of you life with is a huge shock. You will know how couples rely on each other for so many things in life, it really is a partnership and two souls blending as one. Your father has seen how everyone else goes home to their spouses while he is left alone at the end of the day. No matter how much you try to help and support him as a daughter you will never fill the gap of a loving partner. I’m sorry to have to say that, but he feels that he really needs that in his life and others, relatives and friends, simply won’t live up to the job.
Yes, he has acted fast, and you are hurt that your mother has been replaced. But he is doing the best for himself, admittedly by hurting you and seemingly disregarding your mother. He is probably a little ashamed at how he is behaving, hence the lack of communication, he fears facing the backlash from you.
Could you not try to get to know his new partner a little better and create some sort of relationship with her? She is in a vulnerable position, too, and you are all hurting.
I do sympathise with you, but he is a grown man and is trying to look after himself. That sounds selfish, but we do have to look after ourselves and what is best for us. Others have thier own lives to live.
Sending you hugs.
First off, thank you for your reply, and I’m so sorry for the loss and hurt you have felt too…
And I agree with you, this is why I want to be happy for him, but honestly some of the things he has said to me sister in conversations relating to us is very hurtful and he hasn’t taken our feelings into consideration, we lost our mother…and the worst thing is, they didn’t have a very loving relationship. He used to say things to my mum that upset me, so I know they definitely did her. He used to not have conversations with her when she wanted to, anyways that’s another matter… He told my sister we’ve both had failed relationships, that he doesn’t care what we think, that we need to stand on our own two feel. He doesn’t have to take our feelings into consideration…
He has never been one for communicating with us, even growing up he was always working and very much an old school man.
It’s his communication with us that I’m struggling with the most, and how he has gotten over my mother so quickly and replaced her with someone else, might I add, that looks so much like her!
He also thinks of his new ladies feelings more than ours… saying it will be too over bearing for her, me and my sister meeting her together… What about us! You’re wanting us to meet a new woman a few months after we lost our mother tragically, and you’re saying it will be over bearing for you? He also said the same thing about my aunt’s funeral… That she wasn’t coming because it would be too much is meeting her at a funeral… Didn’t think of us again then! He also says this to our faces… it’s like, hello, we’re your children! Urghhh, it’s so hard to try and show happiness for him, when obviously I want him to be happy, but he makes it hard to be!
I’m sorry you’re struggling, but it really is expected. Everyone that loved their parent, deeply loved them, and would do any for them… will struggle, in some form or another. It’s dibilitating. I sit in my mum’s room and hug her clothes and cry… I sit on the bed she laid in until they took her away, I stear at the spot she lied on the floor when they gave her CPR… Letting it out until your chest hurts and feels hollow I find helps… Letting it all out in one slosh of snot and sounds…
The way our family go about it too affects us also, which means you then have to contend with that on top of what you’re feeling, it’s horrific…
@Varun I’m sorry you’re struggling, but it really is expected. Everyone that loved their parent, deeply loved them, and would do any for them… will struggle, in some form or another. It’s dibilitating. I sit in my mum’s room and hug her clothes and cry… I sit on the bed she laid in until they took her away, I stear at the spot she lied on the floor when they gave her CPR… Letting it out until your chest hurts and feels hollow I find helps… Letting it all out in one slosh of snot and sounds…
The way our family go about it too affects us also, which means you then have to contend with that on top of what you’re feeling, it’s horrific…
@Burgled it is ok… I think from what you’re saying we are on different ends of this. Forgive me if I am wrong. I have lost a parent, and you seem to be talking from losing a partner?
I am for my father being happy too… but not at all costs, losing relationships with his children shouldn’t come at a cost from a new partner. A relationship doesn’t have to fray because of this if you think about what you’re saying before you say it. He has said some very hurtful things that have stuck with me, which makes it a lot harder to come to terms with what is happening
Hi, no, I’ve lost my dad, and I’m worried that my mum might not have the tools to find her own happiness again . She’s not gregarious. I can and do help her to feel happy, but I know that if the situation was reversed my dad would also have the support of his community. It would just help me relax a little bit, and to know that my parent was going to be OK.
I had goosebumps reading those, I do the same thing @Flowerbird, you know our birthdays are on the same day, I don’t know why she disappeared this way.
You mentioned CPR, its something I blame myself for not knowing how to do, still carry guilt if I could have saved her coz it happened at 2 AM and till we reached hospital it was already 3 AM and doctor told we lost her 30 mins back.
Now how my dad is responding is killing me and I am just in a freeze state all the time, tried therapy nothing helped, I just come here so atleast people are relatable.
If my father decide to marry, I am sure I won’t be able to be happy for him coz it is a betrayal for me after 25 years of their marriage, I am sorry I am responding this way, going through a lot of emotions
It sounds like your mother was the better person, I hope I’m not being rude by saying that. Deep down we all have a soft spot for one parent over the other and perhaps you have lost the kinder, more loving one? It seems as though he has always acted for himself, putting other family members after him? Sorry if I’m speaking out of turn here.
His character isn’t going to change and I wouldn’t expect any reactions that you obviously want and need. Why not bypass him and reach out to the new lady? He seems to want to put you all inseparate boxes, so he holds all the power.
@Varun … I completely understand your pain! We feel guilty also, as we should have started CPR earlier, if we did, she might have still been here, instead we were having to answer bloody questions to the operator and the operator asked if my mum can speak to them… So much time wasted, the guilt is there, trust me, that also doesn’t go away (yet) but… I tell myself afterwards she wouldn’t want us to blame ourselves.
The emotions flood back writing on here, but it really does help letting it out… And with people feeling the same sort of emotions and things, it does help… I had therapy too, it helped in some ways, but not in others. Talking on forums like this help… No one can say ’ I know what you’re going through’ as everyone feels differently, but you can say that you have experienced the loss of a parent… And have that in common, although you wouldn’t want it on common.
@SadGirlfriend I didn’t think that at all, I appreciate your honesty!
Part of that is true. My mother has always been the parent, the one you would go to, always there for you, always did everything for you. My dad was, but not in an emotional or mental way. He provided for our family and worked very hard so my mum didn’t have to work and could look after us, but he wasn’t a ‘father figure’ except in the instance above. He would also pick us up or take us places as teenagers, the practical things, but mum was always there for you no matter what, the one you cried to.
He wants us to meet her and she wants to meet us, but I’m not really ready, I will just cry and that will be awkward for everyone. If I had a few wines first I prob would
@Burgled apologies! Yes, I worried about that too with my dad… But he was so active, I thought he would find happiness doing all the things he loved as he couldn’t so much when my mum was here as she had arthritis.
As I say, it is the way he is going about it with his children and damaging relationships with us, I’ve already lost one parent, and don’t really want to not be able to talk to the other, when they’re physically still here
You are right she wouldn’t like us to blame ourselves and even feel the guilt. Thanks for understanding and I can’t relate to you enough, do what you feel is right and makes you feel better, if you want to sometimes txt coz we are going through somewhat the same thing please message me on private and I will do to check on you some day if you are okay.
@Varun of course! It’s always nice to speak to people going through the same. I wish there was a meet up in my local area, to meet ladies going through the same. I think it would help a lot. Take care of yourself!
. She’s not gregarious. I can and do help her to feel happy, but I know that if the situation was reversed my dad would also have the support of his community. It would just help me relax a little bit, and to know that my parent was going to be OK.
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