On the 13th of April my father passed away. He was admitted into hospital where he spent 11 days after being diagnosed with COVID-19. My dad was still young, had no underlying health conditions and it was a complete shock for us all. I am only 27 and I can’t believe I am not going to see him again and have to spend the rest of my life without a father. I was not allowed to visit him while he was in hospital and I’m struggling to come to terms that it is all real. I am wondering if there is anyone else on here who are going through situations and if anyone can offer me any advice on how to cope during the grieving process and how to help my mum through this time.
Hello Isabelle, I am so sorry about your father and I now there are others on here who have lost loved ones to this horrendous virus. Your mother will not know what has hit her and all I can say is be strong, be strong for her and for yourself, you will get through this but it is not going to be easy, sorry. This virus has made life so difficult for everyone but even more so for people like you when, without logic, it takes their loved ones.
Take each day, one at a time but please take great care of both your mother and yourself because you will be more vulnerable to anything going around. You and your mother are in our thoughts and our prayers.
I’m so sorry to hear about your father’s passing to this terrible virus. I lost my father to it too, on 17th April. He was sent home from hospital with it and infected my mum, but he has passed long before his time to go and we are absolutely heart broken and in disbelief too. The thought of going on without him is unbearable, I know exactly how you feel, the feeling that we couldn’t see them and that they were alone makes this much worse to bear. My dad was my life and at the moment I don’t want to go on without him xx Sending you huge hugs - do keep in touch if you want to xx
Hello Isabelle, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad x My Dad died from Covid on 23/4/20 in a Care Home. I was with him constantly in his last week and when he died. I have been nursing for 28 years, I currently work in an Emergency Unit, and I have to be honest, his death was harrowing but I am glad that I was with him during that time. My heart breaks for you, it really does x Like you, I am broken by this. This is the most painful thing that ever happened to me. I shall be thinking about you. Take care. Rachel x
Hi Isabelle, sorry for such a late reply, I have only recently joined - I read your message and instantly wanted to reply as I completely understand your pain so please know you are not alone. I am 23 and lost my dad as a result of coronavirus on the 27th March, after being in hospital for 11 days also. He was only 57 and whilst he had an autoimmune problem diagnosed, it was minor and not something that affected his everyday life so his death came as an absolute shock. He was very full of life, active and played a huge role in my life and I have struggled to find people of a similar age that are in this same situation. I can’t believe that I will never see him again and there are so many special moments of my life that he will never get to see, which breaks my heart. I have had to massively support my mum over the past few months, which I obviously will always do, but sometimes I feel like there is no one there to support me.
Dear Alice123, I am so sorry to hear that your Dad died of Covid. It is such a shock - especially when you imagine having your Dad there with you through all the key moments in your life. It really is heartbreaking. My Dad died of Covid, he was 82, his death is the most painful thing that ever happened to me. I find this Forum really comforting and I feel less alone. Keep writing here x I am also having Bereavement Counselling - which I would recommend if you feel ready to face this. Well done, supporting your Mum. Your Dad would be so proud of you. Look after yourself too, talk to friends, cry, let the feelings come. It’s such a painful time, my Lovely, be kind to yourself. Rachel x
Have a really similar story, my dad was 56, passed away in may. My hearts shattered seeking for comfort from someone that might at least half understand. Thinking of everyone. Sending all my hugs
Hi Jasmine 1, sending you a big hug. Its such a painful time. Thinking of you x
I lost my Mum to covid 19 on 19th April. It has been the toughest 3 months of my life by far. I have had to learn to take each hour / day as it comes. We couldn’t be with my Mum either - that has been one of the most difficult things to process & I don’t think I will ever overcome the trauma that goes with it. We were so lucky to have a video link to her bedside though & I know she heard us at least until the final time I called. It gave me some comfort, and I hope her, to know I was as “there” as I could be. I just curl up inside every time I think about how scared she must have been in hospital.
Supporting others is only possible if you have a good support structure around you. I hope we all have the best friends and family to help us through
Dear Starryowl, I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. My Dad died of covid on 23 April. It’s incredibly painful. I am so glad you were able to speak to your Mum before she died. Your voice would have been such a comfort to her. Look after yourself, accept all offers of support. Lots of Love x
Sending a huge amount of love to you all during this difficult time. I too lost my Dad to covid 19 at the end of April and am still struggling to imagine life without him. He was in hospital for over a month, being transferred to another hospital half way through. We were unable to visit him at all during that time. We were able to speak to him twice by video link (once as he was passing- luckily we got agreement for my mum to be with him- we had to wait outside the hospital in the car) but he was not conscious during these calls so could not respond or understand. I’m also struggling with the fact that we were unable to have the huge send-off he deserved. There were only a few of us allowed at the funeral which seems so cruel as he was such a popular man. I’m feeling a lot of guilt for being unable to visit him in hospital, be by his side as he passed or give him the send-off he deserved. We also had to wait until now for a post mortum and they had to remove organs including his brain which was such an added pain to us all. They have now returned the organs to be cremated and combined with his ashes. We had so many plans ahead- celebrations, family holiday, memories- all taken away. I also feel so much for my poor mum who now lives alone grieving. She has supportive friends and family around her but I just wish we could take her pain away!!
I don’t know about anyone else but daily jokes about covid or talk of the celebrations people will have once it’s safe to do so really get to me. If Dad hadn’t passed away I’d also be talking about the celebrations but I now feel that once this is all over there is nothing to celebrate when the situation has taken 1 of the most important people in our lives away!
In terms of advice to others I have found that keeping busy is key to coping. At the weekend I try to make plans every day for the week ahead even if it’s just a simple plan like a walk or getting something done round the house. I see family and friends for distanced walks and picnics and try to make plans varied. It’s important however to acknowledge pain and process it. A friend got me a journal when my dad was in hospital and I’ve written in it several times both before and after he passed away. It helped to get my feelings out and read it back to acknowledge it. My friends also got me a lovely framed collage canvas of my dad. I’ve put this up and often sit and look at the photos and talk to Dad when I’m alone. I want to get more photos up to be sure that his memory lives on and that my baby grows up knowing all about her Gramps. To support my mum my sister and her family have moved back in with her for a few weeks as she’s struggling. We’re seeing her regularly and also trying to keep things varied for her- walks in different locations, different meals, helping with practical tasks, doing quizzes with her and even just watching TV with her as she misses having someone to do this with. I think it’s also important for them to know that they don’t need to hide their emotions. Mum said the other day that she felt guilty talking about her grief as she knows that we’re struggling too- I told her that we are all here for her and that we want her to be honest about how she’s feeling as it will help her and maybe help us to know how to help her. Talking openly about grief and knowing that you’re in it together can help.
I really am sending best wishes to you all. This cruel virus has taken away our loved ones way too early!!! Please try hard to hold on to the memories and let them live forever. I hope that over time we can all talk about memories with a smile on our face rather than tears in our eyes xx
Hi Tasha, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Like him, my dad also got Covid and died alone in hospital, where we were unable to visit him, and like you, I hate all the jokes about Covid people make and all this talk about life going back to normal - it is never going back to normal for us, had our scientific advisers and the government not been so inept, and listened to the advice from scientists from other countries at the beginning of March that we need to go into lockdown, 30000 fewer people might have died, and you and I might not have been here writing these messages.
Beautiful words Tasha!
I also feel frustrated by that Abdullah. And I am really glad they are progressing with identifying successful treatments & possible vaccines but it is tinged with a sadness that it came too late for Mum.
Thank you for your responses and I’m so sorry for your losses!! I have the same upset that had Lock down have been even a week earlier we may not have been in this situation. I’m certain that if it was a week earlier my Dad would still be here. In my mind the way he was taken was the worst way possible but I’m trying to alter my thoughts on this as it’s effecting me so badly. I don’t know about all of the situations with your loved ones but I hope they were comfortable with the treatments they were being given. My dad was put on a ventilator so I’m trying to think that he would not have been in pain or hopefully even known that he was going to pass away. Whilst there was a struggle for over a month I really hope that he didn’t feel the struggle. He didn’t have months or years of deterioration and know about his loss of abilities, he wasn’t brutally murdered and he didn’t have a painful accident… Sorry I’m kind of going off piste here and thinking out loud but I’m just trying to find some positives and peace in a really sity situation and I hope you’re able to do the same. I’m also acknowledging all of the positives of my relationship with my Dad and the memories we have- he was the most amazing and supportive Dad. I think it’s so important to appreciate how lucky you are to have had such great moments in times like this- something many people have never been lucky enough to have. If there are any strategies you’re using I’d be happy to hear them.
Hi Tasha, @starryowl, yes, it will always hurt us how an earlier lockdown could have meant our loved ones were still here.
My dad had a horrific few days at the hospital, and I am going to discuss this with the PALS team. Like you, I try to take the positives, others have had months of pain, but it still makes me so sad my dad suffered because I just love him so much. I am sorry to hear your dad was on a ventilator, from what I have read technology has improved a lot, so whereas people before, even when sedated, could find it uncomfortable, nowadays they don’t tend to feel the physical pain, so hopefully your dad just spent the time as if he was asleep.
Any time either of you or anyone else here wants to talk about their dad or mum, I am here to listen.
Hi Abdullah, I am sorry to hear about your Dad. My Dad died of covid in April. He went through some horrific days too before being sedated with a syringe driver. I have been an RN for almost 30 years and I have never seen a death like his. It’s tragic that so many people died due to our inept Government, causing so much pain to so many families. I wish you all the very best with PALS. Look after yourself too.
My Mum didn’t go to hospital until very late on & I often wonder whether the outcome would have been different had she been assessed in person by a GP rather than just being spoken to on the phone. And I also believe that if lockdown had been one week earlier then she would not have passed away. Or if I had seen how bad she was then I would have got her to hospital. So many “what ifs” to torture ourselves with. She was admitted to hospital only 4 days before she passed away, but was in ITU on a ventilator within 12 hours of going in. I hope she felt no pain, she was generally kept sedated but at one point they weaned her off the sedation & she was able to look around & see the photos & pictures my lovely friend (a physio in her ward) had taken in of my boys. She smiled at them which is lovely to know. We had a really tough few days but thought she was on the up. Alas it was not to be. I was able to be with her by video call at the end.
I am actually a psychologist by “trade” so I should know all the tricks . But there are none. We need to process the grief in our own way, but not dwell on the things that cannot be changed. My Dad & I often speak about what would have / could have / might have happened if only… but I can’t allow my mind to stay there for too long as it is a road that ends in hatred and misery. Although I do allow myself to detest a certain Boris. I raised over £3000 in Mum’s memory for a staff garden at the hospital - it felt good to know something nice would come out of the nightmare.
What else do I do…? I am brutally honest with anyone who asks me how I am. You soon learn who your true friends are. I cry a lot. I came on here looking for others who might understand the physical & emotional pain & I think it was a good move. I don’t think it is ever possible to anticipate / prepare yourself for this level of grief.
Hi Rachel, I am so sorry to hear about how your dad suffered, it must have been devastating to be a RN and to then see your dad suffer in a way you have never seen before. Like you and @starryowl, I am just so angry at the decisions that the government and certain scientific advisers made. I don’t like to be angry, but every time I see Boris Johnson or someone from the government, or Dr Jenny Harries or Professor Chris Whitty, on TV, acting like they did everything they could and that the deaths were unavoidable, it does make me angry, so I don’t even watch or listen to the news now. All those people dead, who would not have been if we had listened to what scientists from other countries were saying at the beginning of March that the UK needs to go into lockdown very soon otherwise it will be like Italy, and we ended up being worse than Italy.
That’s good @starryowl that you raised all that money. Well done. You’re correct we shouldn’t dwell, but sometimes we just do. Yeah, you do find out who your true friends are, some people don’t even bother sending a message saying that they hope things are ok. I mean, come on.
Thanks Abdullah! I am also here if any of you want to talk further.
Starryowl- Well done on the money raised! What a lovely idea!! You’re so right that nothing can prepare you for this level of grief!! My dad was at home with covid for a few days. He had bloods at the hospital but was sent home then a couple of days later felt even worse so went back and that’s when they tested him & admitted him and his oxygen levels were reducing. He was so weak yet prior to that he was going to the gym several times a week, rolling around with my baby daughter and all his other grandchildren and living life to the full. During the month long hospital stay we waited anxiously for daily updates from the hospital staff (via my mum who would then have to call us all to update us.) There was also some hope with my dad as they brought his round but he wasn’t responding properly so they had to sedate him again. I really do hope that he felt no pain!!! Following the post mortum they think that the virus travelled to his brain.
We are being very careful when seeing my mother in-law as she is 70 (we’re seeing her outside at a distance) but the rest of my husband’s family seem to think that we’re being too strict and paranoid which is feeling like insult to injury at the moment- like they’re not taking it seriously despite knowing how we lost Dad & them all knowing and getting on well with my Dad. I know that I am overly sensitive due to he loss though.
I’m glad that you feel it has helped joining this group. I agree that it helps to speak to others in the same situation- we all appear to be feeling similar frustrations and struggles and whilst others may understand loss, they may not have had to go through the additional guilt and pain of being unable to visit, small funerals and additional restrictions which I feel is giving additional emotions. It always helps to talk/share xx
Hi Abdullah, I stayed with my Dad in the care home for the last 7 days of his life. The CH let me in as I was already nursing patients with covid and wearing full ppe. Listening to my Dad drowning filled me with waves of despair. For a few days, he was conscious, trying to speak, struggling to breathe, frightened, confused and hallucinating. He was trying to get out of bed and was clinging to me and very afraid. He then started to lose his swallow. His GP assessed him over the video and I told her that he needed to be sedated but she said “not yet!” How much did he have to suffer before being sedated? The carer came in the room as my Dad was trying to get off the bed and she went straight to the DNs who set up the syringe driver. My Dad never opened his eyes again but every 12 hours had breakthrough fevers and seemed uncomfortable - despite iv morphine - so I constantly placed wet flannels on his face. It was an agonising 7 days for both of us. After he died and I had gone through the numbing shock and disbelief, I did feel very angry and I wrote to numerous MPs and I got 2 responses, usual guff, cut and paste… I read an interesting article by a Professor who wrote that he believed elderly people had been “harvested”. It was painful to read but was something I had suspected. I no longer watch the News either. As the Media, “celebrates” the dropping covid death rate - I just feel angry and sad for all the families out there, going through what we are going through. I remember reading the articles from the Italian press and wondering why our Government did nothing to protect vulnerable people here. This Government has a lot to answer for. I wrote to Boris and I told him that I held him to account for my Dad’s death. No reply - but it was one of the last things that I could do for my Dad. I also worry that in the future, I or my friends, could end up in care homes and I wouldn’t want to be “harvested”. My Dad paid 5k a month to live there. The carers were amazing, I have so much respect and love for them - and for all that they did for my Dad - and for me. Yet the Government focused on the NHS - to the detriment and neglect of those in care homes. It breaks your heart…Have a blessed day…