Fear drives me to keep busy

Since losing my beloved husband 14 weeks ago I have been in bits and cried every day and feel totally lost. I have no physical support as my family all live away and I don’t drive. Because i worry about becoming ill living on my own I have felt driven to get all the house cleaned and all the jobs done ready for the winter. Today I got all the net curtains down and washed them, cleaned all inside windows and sprayed all the hinges and runners on doors and windows. It sounds good but really it isn’t. Mike always got the curtains down (it is a balancing act in places) so I cried all through it as his absence was so obvious and now I feel totally drained. I think it is just nervous energy that keeps me working as there is no one else to do it.
Is anyone else feeling the same.

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Its 13 wks on monday coming i lost my partner i just feel so drained ive just put a new topic on actually
I have no family near by and dont drive either i worry that i will become ill or worse and frightened that my daughter will be on her own i get scared about the future but no one knowd whats going to happen do they one day at a time but i am so so tired at the moment think i am emotionally drained

Take care x

Trying to keep ourselves busy is definitely one way which we use to try and cope when we are very unhappy, I often used to go into work 7 days a week because I was afraid that if I didn’t keep busy my depression would come back. My mum is 66, she has osteoprosis and difficulty walking after she injured her back a few years ago, but whenever I phone her, she’s doing something, she gets up at 7, and keeps herself busy till 9, which is when she goes and sits in front of her computer. I told her I will get a cleaner for her but she doesn’t want one, she does it all herself, which worries me because of her health problems, but I guess if she stops she will have too much time to think about dad and it will just end up making her very unhappy.

I am sorry that you have lost Mike, 14 weeks isn’t much time in the grieving process, and maybe you will start feeling physically exhausted if you keep up this routine. It’s a difficult situation to be in, and I hope things are a bit better for you soon, both emotionally and physically.

Dear Jean2 and Fg15,
Reading your posts I wondered if you could support each other? It looks like you are both in similar situations, with no family nearby and not able to drive, and having both lost your husbands about 3 months ago. Some time ago, I followed the posts of 3 women in similar situations who almost daily exchanged brief messages with each other and I could see how that really helped them. I saw the same support between two elderly people, who after a while became good friends and decided to private message each other instead, Just a thought.
Jo

I am always happy for ppl to private mesaage me its nice to know you are not alone x

Hi Jean
I did exactly the same as you. I think I must have become manic. Getting up at 5 a.m. and going through until late evening. My husband had his hobbies and sorting through his things, shed, loft took me months. I also decorated every room if it was only a quick coat of paint. The week after the funeral, family came to visit and I was up the ladders in the kitchen, they couldn’t believe their eyes, I also changed all net curtains. I had our allotments and had a great load of muck delivered and was barrowing that about. I couldn’t stop until I was forced to, I had burn out and wasn’t well. I think worrying about being ill while alone is a common worry.
Ease off now Jean otherwise your worst nightmare will happen and you will make yourself ill.
Pat xx

Thanks Pattidot. I will ease off now so thanks for confirming that I need to. I have done the same as you did and I know now that there must be time for me. I need to grieve other than cry all the time. I think maybe I’ve tried to dodge the inevitable thought of what I’ve lost. Thanks for your concern.

Yes, I do. But it has only been 5 weeks.

Hi Jean --so sorry for your loss and how you are feeling. I have tried to keep busy and just got exhausted and this week seems to be worst than ever and felt like I couldn’t do anything and I think I got burn out and felt quite ill and have been crying each day again. Last week when I mowed the lawn it felt so empty as David always loved making the grass look nice and now he is gone it just made me sad and like what’s the point. I’ve tried different ways but I’m not sure how to deal with this grief x

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I think we do all these jobs to keep our mind on something else rather than constantly going over the loss we have had. I,m only a few weeks down this heart wrenching road and I have no idea what to do other than try and keep busy.

It seems we are all feeling the sadness and trying to work to distract us from reality. I got up at 6 am and decided to see what positive thoughts I could have. I looked back over our lives and thought of all the lovely things I have done for Mike over the years like planning surprise weekends away and the birthday treats I always got for him. I ran the admin side of his business and took all the stress and worry on my shoulders during lean times. I took charge of his health and got him supplements to make sure he was always fit and I was the one that worried about the finances in the early days. In reality he had a lovely life and we loved each other so much so he was always happy. I should feel happy that at least I looked after him right to the end. The sadness is still there but I know I did all I could right to the end.

I guess I understand your need and finding comfort in caring for the home. My mum passed suddenly in May, near enough straight away I felt the need to organise things for dad, I emptied the airing cupboard, put things in order for him to reach. Then he and I set about re organising furniture and tidying mum’s bedroom. I find it difficult to sleep, when I awake mum is on my mind first thing. Between my brother and I we visit dad everyday. It’s like I cannot stop because it will give me thinking space…Mum’s last words from the ambulance were look after the bungalow, so I feel happy doing it, as it makes me feel closer to her. But like others have said, it can becoming draining and affects my health. We need to start taking care of ourselves…that’s what they would have wanted