Hi. Pen. I am so sorry about the way you feel, I know, been there. Not since my loss but many years ago I had a breakdown. It was more of a ‘breakthrough’, but more of that some other time.
You urgently need more support. Have you been to your GP? If not please do. Short term medication can help. 10 Sessions of counselling may have helped, but so often it requires much longer.
You certainly have had some real trauma in your life. The fact that you are able to post on here says a lot. It may be you are stronger than you think.
Suffering from heath anxiety can be real problem. Not only do we worry about ourselves but watch those around us for signs of illness. We become obsessed with health. The churning stomach, the fear induced symptoms are all part of Mr. Anxiety’s little bag of tricks. We are bluffed with lies about ourselves and end up in so many blind alleys. I assume you have been checked out by your GP, that is so important, but once that is done believe them. No second guessing like ‘I wonder if they missed something?’ We hear so many horrific tales about a diagnosis that went wrong when millions of people get great benefit from health care. ‘Good news is not news’ as journalists say. There is hope, a lot of it. If you can accept how you feel without adding ‘second fear’ it will help. ‘Second fear’ is the ‘Oh my goodness here it is again’ reaction to anxiety symptoms. Then the ‘what ifs begin’. Oh I know!!! Now all this adds more fear and so prolongs the panic episode. When you feel panic coming let it come. I know, sounds silly, but in doing so you allow the adrenaline, the fear hormone, to run it’s course. There is only a certain amount of adrenaline available in fear and panic. It will always pass if you allow it to and not try and fight it off. Fighting and struggling with ‘IT’ will get you nowhere. You may feel like a nervous wreck, but if you can accept that many thousands of people suffer as you do and so often recover it helps. There is that inner strength in all of us not just the few.
Let it come. Stop struggling. Accept it all as calmly as you can manage. It’s not easy and I know it’s not. But begin today, now, to accept and not struggle. Anxiety so often follows grief.
Take care. We are all with you in your grief. Blessings.