Fed up

Im 28 live on my own now after losing my dad to cancer 40 days after diagnosis passed away first day he went into the hospice on 11th november 2022.I have lived with my dad all my life he was my best friend i felt lost the day he went into the hospice as if i was already grieving before i lost him.The last 2 weeks before christmas i have been feeling depressed angry fed up and putting holes in the walls of the house just 3 days before christmas i feel lost i always sit in my dads room as makes me comfortable when he was in hospital after being diagnosed with cancer i was crying when i phoned him and he awnswered when hearing his voice but tryed not to as didnt want my dad to see me upset i also cried when looking at his pictures while he was in hospital now i dont cry when looking at them i feel as through hes made me stronger after passing away but last 2 weeks i have felt really depressed and just wanting to escape to the countryside im also buying things that my dad eat or drink i really miss him

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Hi, so sorry for your loss. I too lost my dad recently and only 3 weeks after cancer diagnosis. Please believe that everything youre feeling and experiencing is part of the grieving process. But also please seek out and ask for help if youre struggling. Time is a great healer and I hope things will improve for you . Remember it hasn’t been that long so take care of yourself and know that you are not alone x

you are so young to lose your dad. I am so sorry. cancer is on a rampage around the world taking people far too young.

live the best life you can it will honor his memory. :heartpulse: :heartpulse:

Hi Cr1,

I’m sorry for the loss of your father.

I lost my father on 15th November, 8 weeks after a cancer diagnosis. It is heartbreaking.

I am trying to keep myself busy but losing dad has deeply affected me. I feel very lost without him but I also seem to have found a strength that I didn’t know I had which I hope is dad guiding and nudging me along.

I feel like I will miss dad for the rest of my life. Dad was my greatest joy and it feels completley daunting to think of spending the rest of my life without him.

Posting on here has given me an outlet to talk about dad.

You are not alone.

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Hi all, I feel the same ,my dad was such a lovely person and now it just feels like there is a big hole in my life and nothing to look forward to. I will be alright for a while and then suddenly the feeling of sadness washes over me again and I just play out the memories in my head of the last weeks of his life. I just can’t get ir into my head that hes not coming back.

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Hi Katie,

I’m so sorry about the loss of your father.

Your post resonates with me so much. I also find myself replaying the last weeks of dad’s life.

I never thought I would lose him so soon. I thought dad would live much longer and i’m really sad that I’ll never see him live into his old age. Dad said that his biggest regret is not growing into old age with my mum they were married for 50 years but mum now a widow at 67.

Missing dad a lot today.

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Hi Katherine, I think it is so difficult no matter what. My dad was 81 and so I get a reaction that says well that was a good age. But he was so fit and healthy, never had a days illness before. I thought he would be here until well into his 90s, he never seemed like an old man to me. He was just so confused and frail in the hospital that its painful to remember it all. I find a bit of comfort going to the cemetery and meeting others in the same or similar situation.

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Hi Katie,

Thanks for your reply. I agree that it would always be very difficult. When dad became ill I somehow got it into my head that if he got a couple more years and made it to 73 or 74 I somehow would have been more accepting of it. My brother told me that it wouldn’t have been any easier. People (including GP) have also said that it is better than dad’s illness wasn’t a long drawn out process. In all honesty as much as dad loved us I know he wouldn’t have wanted to be bedridden and in pain.

I think the shock is worse if someone has always been fit and healthy. I used to say to my dad that he was fitter than some people I knew who are my age. Dad was always up a ladder fixing something or working on a project and prior to the first cancer in 2020 (which we were told he was cured from) dad had never been ill.

I understand seeing your dad become confused and frail is painful. Dad was given strong pain meds that sent him confused and then prior to going into hospice (for confusion) he was completely disoriented. It is terrible to see someone with a great mind lose their skills and independence.

I am glad the cemetery brings you comfort. Dad and I used to walk my dog in our local cemetery as there are beautiful old trees and although dad was cremated we are going to get headstone so I can go and remember him.

Xx

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Hi Katherine, yes, we are so greedy when it comes to our lovely dads! We just want them here forever! We didn’t know anything about cancer, he had a kidney infection in January and just gradually got worse the whole year. Despite going to his gp every other week it was never picked up. But l agree, I would never have wanted him to linger in pain and sometimes i was glad of the confusion. He got covid in the last week which i wonder was actually a blessing in disguise as i think that is what weakened him in the end x

Hi Katie,

It’s very true that we want them here forever. I also understand what you said about sometimes being glad of the confusion. Dad wasn’t aware of what was happening at the end but he trusted me completely and he knew that I was with him all the way, I’m sure of it.

It makes sense about COVID possibly weakening your dad. We weren’t given any explanation as to why my dad declined so quickly as his organs were clear. Dad had said that he thought it may be easier if it wasnt a decline over years and I sometimes wonder if the mind tells the body what to do. I have no idea though.

I have found today much harder than the last few days. The finality of it all keeps hitting me and when I think to the future it just doesn’t feel exciting or hopeful like it once did. The prospect of going into a new year without dad for some reason feels particularly daunting. I still feel like every new day is like a step away from him although I know this isn’t really the case. I find useless thoughts of wishing it was last year particularly frustrating as they are pointless. Dad turned 70 last year and it felt like there was everything to go for. I don’t know how things can go so horribly wrong.

I hope you have a peaceful evening. Thanks for responding it helps a lot to have others who understand.

Xx

Hi katherine, the similarities here are crazy. I was told he had a medium term prognosis and he was gone less than 48 hours later. This was despite the fact that he had showed some improvement. I still dont really understand what happened. I too keep thinking of ‘this time last year’ and have this strange sense that I’m waiting for something to happen??? I keep wracking my brain, thinking there must be something I can do to bring him back! Of course I know the reality of it and feel sure its all part of the grieving process.
Wishing you a peaceful night x

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you have obviously been an amazing daughter, I hope time will help you remember the happy times & you can learn to live with the new normal. Sending love

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Hi Katie,

Thanks, yes there are lots of similarities. The GP initially told us 6 to 12 months and I was desperate to get dad’s tests done so he could hopefully get some treatment. Prior to getting the diagnosis dad was still active albeit in some pain but he then deteriorated rapidly after getting the news.

Dad ended up in the hospital in middle of October with toilet issues and confusion but he then seemed to pick up. He was discharged on at the end of October and we had a good 5 days where he seemed more like himself. The following week he was confused again and GP suggested hospice to get meds under control and he then would come home. I asked her if it was end of life and she said no.

Dad went to hospice on 11th November and doctor said he would try and get confusion under control and get him home but he never came round and died a few days later. I asked the doctors why he wasn’t coming round and there wasn’t an explanation.

I have gone through all of this over and over again and I always end up at the same point where I just can’t understand what happened or why. The thoughts, guilt, anger and sadness just keep coming at various points throughout the day. I know dad is gone but it just feels surreal, like he just isn’t here right now or that I need to be doing something for him. Forever seems impossible in terms of never seeing him again.

I think this must be the grief process after losing someone so significant in such a short time. It’s very confusing and isolating.

Xx

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Hi Katherine , I know, its like a dream and you’re going to wake up.
At the beginning of dads last week I asked the nurses why he was so confused and they just kubd of shrugged and said maybe it’s the medication for the covid…
My dad wasn’t in much pain except paracetamol for a sore shoulder. At first I wanted to go in and ask for answers but then its not going to bring him back.

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Hi Katie,

I agree it won’t bring them back. I would never wish this on anyone but I am grateful there are people who understand what it feels like. It is very maddening when family and friends dont understand.

Take care.
Xxx

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Hi Katherine, my dads passing has totally blown the family apart. I think some of their behaviours and actions are unforgivable and I no longer have anything in common with them. I know from the people ive met at the cemetery that this is very common. Im not as angry as i was at first and I know I need to move on and basically not let any of it get to me x

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after mine died, my dad was talking to me and guiding me too. it was a wonderful thing. :heartpulse:

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Hi Katie,

I can imagine that is very tough. Not letting their behaviour get to you sounds like a good approach.

My brother is 6 years older than me but was never as close as dad and I and my mum is lovely but thinks very differently to myself so it feels as though they can’t relate to what I tell them about missing dad. When friends message if I write back how I’m really feeling not much comes back. I understand that people may not know what to say but I just feel unheard sometimes and because everyone will lose a parent you are expected to just get on with it.

Woke up feeling sad again today and dad first thing on my mind as usual. Will get some fresh air and try and keep busy.

Xx

Hi Berit,

I feel like I know what dad would tell me so when I need to do something that I have a doubt about I can almost hear what he would say.

I am glad you have felt that too.

Xx

Hi Katherine, I know what you mean. Sometimes I think of it like I reverted to child when my dad went. Even though I am married with a child I felt very insecure and childlike. And I have a very different relationship with my mum, so its not the same. I actually took 3 months off work but worried that everyone would think I was foolish and over the top.
Some people lose their parent and they’re off work a couple of days and then back with a stiff upper lip, or so it seems to me.
I know I am super sensitive but hey, what’s the opposite of sensitive? That’s who I am. I just wonder how long this heavy feeling lasts that hits you as soon as your eyes open in the morning ?

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