Hi beret, that’s lovely that you heard your dad’s voice ,I hope it gave you some comfort. You must have had a very special relationship x
1 Like
Hi Katie,
I understand the reverting to a child. I am 36 but as I got older my parents and I got closer and we would see each other everyday and even go on holidays together. I always felt glad to spend time with them.
I am independent but always liked to get my dad’s advice on things so no longer being able to bounce ideas off him is so strange to me. I suppose I am typical daddy’s girl in that way.
When we knew dad was ill I temporarily moved into my parents house and I was working from home but when he went to hospital I had to take time off as it was impossible to care for him adequately and keep up work. I haven’t been back to work yet and I am taking a break as I feel like I need more time. I think lots of people would throw themselves back into work but dad would tell me to take some time if I’m able to which I am. I honestly don’t care what people think about this as no one knows my relationship with dad and no loss is the same. I hope you found the time off helpful.
I am also sensitive which I said to the councellor that I thought it was maybe weakness but I was told this is not the case. The sadness always feels worse at night and in the morning, once busy it is ok for a while and then the various emotions hit throughout the day. Silly things like seeing a disabled permit today and thinking dad died before it even arrived in the post. Not sure if it will ever end.
Xx
1 Like
Hi Katherine, I went shopping today and felt quite sad because I would normally have popped in to my parents house. I never had to check as my dad was always there, ready to offer a cup of tea. And we’d have a chat about whatever rubbish we thought of.
But no one was there today so I knew there was no point visiting.
Some days I think everything is going to be fine but other days are so sad. Sometimes I don’t even know what has triggered the sadness.
I’d say sensitivity is a strength rather than a weakness. It gives you an awareness of emotions and enables empathy x
3 Likes
Hi Katie,
I understand. It is often the little things I miss the most about dad. It is such a huge adjustment to try and come to terms with the fact that I can’t just pick up the phone or call in to see him. I’m not sure if those feelings will ever fade.
I am finding everyday a rollercoaster of emotions. Never know what is coming from one hour to the next sometimes.
Xx
No wonder your feeling rotten…bless you…how v v strange to find yourself living… existing in this new half world…Sounds like your right in the center of the storm…just try to breath slowly…in…out…bit by bit…
Your entitled to feel angry…freaked…its hard to sit peacefully whilst these ’ red hot’ emotions are doing a number!!!
Keep writing anything and everything…
Im trying to be gentle with myself too…
Angry…cold sarcastic vibes just waiting to burst our of me…snide remarks…so angry i could kick my own head in…and boil the ocean in seconds!!
Yet…i just keep trying to breath it all out.
Take every tiny little joy that happens…build up my emotional health…tons of restful shutting dwn when im overwhelmed…which is often…
Big hugs. .Your not alone with this…or your anger…
Loss is a huge shite alright…
Xxx
1 Like
Hi Katherine, how are you doing today ?
Im missing my dads lovely face and hearing his kind words. As we’ve talked about ,there’s no rhyme or reason why some days are worse than others. I think keeping busy helps though x
Hi Katie,
Yesterday felt particularly bad with the heaviness about missing dad. My parents were married for so long that mum has never spent any time as an adult without dad. Dad took care of everything so my mum has lost many of her skills and gets stuck in a worry loop so not only is there the sadness about dad but also the stress of not knowing how mum will cope.
I miss dad so much I just cry if I think about it. When I’m busy it helps temporarily but yesterday and today I am back to feeling like there is no optimism. I just feel like my old life as it was is gone and I’ve been thrown into a new life which I didn’t want. Nothing feels exciting and I just feel dread at what is to come. Maybe I am expecting too much to think that I should feel optimism, I’m not sure.
I hope you are doing as well as you can be? Always here if you want to message.
Xx
2 Likes
Hi Katherine, same here, my parents were married as teenagers, together for over 60 years. My mums health has went downhill sinxe my dad went and seems to be ageing before my very eyes.
I know what you mean, everything i think that I can do in future that might help is bitter sweet because my dad isn’t going to be there.
I just got all my garden done and although its amazing I’m sad because I can’t run and get my dad to bring him over and show him. And I just worry if that’s how its always going to be?
He was just such a lovely , non judgemental person, never ever spoke badly about anyone. And im not just saying that now, ive always said it.
I just feel we now need to get this new year’s eve thing out of the way x
2 Likes
I just posted about this. the holidays force me to reminisce more. the dull grey weather harsh.
life seems so listless right now.
I agree, I feel like I have gone backwards in my grieving process over the Christmas period. I don’t want anyone to wish me a Happy New Year, last year was the worse of my life, losing Mum & I already know my Dad is poorly so next year may not be any better!
Hi Doren, yes 2022 has been just awful but i still am dreading this new year. I just hope 2023 brings some healinf for all of us x
1 Like
Hi Katie,
I’m sorry to hear about your mum’s health going down hill. I fear that is very much happening to my own mother. Mum is only 67 but her and my dad chose to just spend the majority of time with each other so without him she only really has me. She has contacts or friends from working years ago but these are not people that she sees regularly.
I’ll have to try and encourage her and spend time building her back. Sometimes I feel like I can’t see straight for my own grief and I just don’t feel like I have the capacity to take on anymore after losing dad, I know it sounds terrible.
I bet your garden is fantastic. I know what you mean though, as soon as I do something I know dad would like I want to call him and tell him. Maybe they see it? I don’t know.
Your dad sounds like a fantastic man and father. How lovely that he has a daughter that loves him so much.
My own dad was also lovely and he was very much an individual who taught me to be my true self. I’m so grateful to have had him for 36 years. As usual though it doesn’t feel enough.
I feel dread today. I have never been keen on new years and normally asleep with my dog and cats before midnight. I am still at my brother’s house abroad so only have my dog here but will look after my nephew and let my brother and his wife have evening out.
I logged on to dad’s Skype the other day to look for pictures that I might have missed and saw his message from last new year. I still can’t believe that he’s not here. It feels like leaving him behind not sure my thinking is logical with that though as it is another day.
How are you getting on?
Xx
Hi Katherine
No way do I think the way you’re thinking is terrible! Yoy are carrying such a huge weight on your shoulders, you’re taking a lot of responsibility here.
You have to remember that the passing of your dad is very recent and both you and your mum will likely still be in shock. I can tell you that for me its been 4 months and although still awful, i feel I’m managing much better than in the first couple of months.
I also don’t like the new year and today I have been wishing it was this time last year just so I could go and visit my mum and dad.
I was thinking that surely there must be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel? I mean we all lose our parents one day and people obviously must cope!
I will go to the cemetery tomorrow and tidy it and put some fresh flowers, and im looking forward to that.
This is something that might help you once you have your headstone in place.
Maybe we should try not to dwell on sad memories as our dads wouldn’t want that x
Hi Katie,
Thanks so much for your reply. I am going to try and work on staying in the moment a bit more and just see how things go. I agree that we may still be in shock, I think my mum definitely is and it is daunting for her too.
I think there must be light at the end of the tunnel as you say it is a path that we will all have to travel down. I always feel like I’m not cut out to deal with things like this as I tend to think too much around everything and too emotional.
Going to the cemetery sounds like a lovely idea. I wanted a headstone facing outwards towards the trees but there were none left. I waited as they are opening new section in the new year so I’m hoping I can secure one of those when I’m back home. I like the idea of being able to visit a designated place where dad’s ashes are and being able to spend time there.
I listened to some of the recordings I have of dad last night and he said if I go morbid after his death then it will be harder. If I keep moving forwards then all I’ll be left with is pleasant memories. I’ll try and follow his advice as best I can.
I agree they would not want us to be sad. As soon as I’m back home I will throw myself into trying to build myself back, lots of things like exercise and wellbeing which I didn’t focus on when dad was ill. These things have helped when facing other adversity in years gone by.
I hope this year brings us both (and everyone going through this) some healing.
Xx
1 Like
Hi Katherine, that place looking towards the trees sounds lovely. Bit of a coincidence here as Ive always had a great love of trees!
Ive got an old apple tree in my garden and I took the first ripe apple in September to show my dad!
I am also very emotional and sentimental and basically worried about losing my parents my whole life. Always dreading it and wondering how I’d cope. I suppose we will find the strength but it would be nice to believe we will be truly happy again and accept what has happened .
How are you doing today ? X
Hi Katie,
Thanks. I love trees too. The cemetery was our favourite place to walk my pup together so I like the idea of taking her there when I want to visit dad.
Its lovely that you took the first apple from your tree to show your dad. I’m sure he would have loved it.
My Aunt mentioned about planting a tree for dad on a farm near by so when I walk my dog I can watch it grow. I might look into doing this at some point too.
I was the same way my entire life. The thought of losing dad (and mum) was my worst nightmare. I thought I would have a breakdown as it just didn’t seem fathomable that I could carry on without him.
I’m very up and down. Its dad’s birthday on 10th Jan so I am still at my brother’s house until then and will go back home on 11th. My brain still feels like it is searching for answers, yesterday it was just on a loop of why dad’s cancer metastestised when we were told it was curable. I can’t find much information on people this has happened to with throat cancer which makes me wonder why it happened to dad. I know it’s not helpful to think about it or even look but these thoughts come at me like why didn’t they do chemo and radiotherapy when he was first diagnosed in 2020. When I talked about this with my brother yesterday he said if that had been the case the chemo could have made him Ill.
I wish I was more like my brother in his way of thinking that it happened why doesn’t matter but i am my father’s daughter so this is how I think (around every scenario). Dad and I were much closer too so our loss is not the same which my brother will openly say.
I am feeling incredibly sad and lost. I wish I was finding some acceptance but I don’t feel like I am. I don’t recognise myself anymore, this has changed me so much. I’ll keep trying like dad wanted.
How are you getting on?
Sending love
Xx
Hi Katherine, I think you are maybe being too hard on yourself, expecting too much of yourself too soon.
And look, you haven’t had a breakdown and you have been able to carry on!
What you’re experiencing is perfectly normal and natural grief. Google can be a curse, I spent hours searching for answers. I think I was trying to prove to myself that there was nothing I could have done or seeing if anyone was to blame. But if you feel you cant move on without these answers maybe you could speak to your gp and ask advice or information?
It sounds a difficult situation with your brother. Youre saying that he’s clear that he is not suffering as much as you but who knows, people deal with things differently. Or maybe thats the price we pay for having a close relationship? You were staying with your dad and caring for him so it would have a much bigger impact.
Today I started reading a new book which was brilliant for taking my mins off everything. I think reading is a form of therapy that lets you escape from your own life for a wee while.
Take care and let me know how youre getting on x
3 Likes
Hi Katie,
Thanks. I agree that it is all probably part of the grieving process and i think its natural to look for answers and feel regret when you have cared for someone with a terminal illness.
The councellor asked me if I felt speaking to the hospice would give me any answers and I said I didn’t think so. Ultimatley I think that dad would have preferred to not have a long and drawn out illness so I will try remember that.
I will possibly speak to the GP again. She was also my dad’s GP so knows everything that happened. I spoke to her a couple of days after his passing and she said what I was experiencing was normal grief reaction. I think being back at home again soon will allow me to focus on the things I have neglected over the last few months too so I will see how things go.
I think with my brother the difference is that dad and I were very similar and I always lived near by and cared for him so we were closer. My brother feels sadness about it but he said he is also focused on making sure mum and I are ok. It is probably helpful that we are grieving differently as we are maybe able to support each other in different ways.
Reading sounds like a good distraction. I will have to try and get back into that too especially before bed.
I hope you are keeping well.
Xx
Hi Katherine, how are you doing ?
Hopefully you are back at home and managing.
I have been not so bad after getting Xmas and new year out of the way but feel a little bit sad today.
Im ok and then a thought will come into mt head and i realise I’m never going to see dad again.
I try to think that he is somewhere happy with friends and that he would have wanted to go first before anyone else in the family.
So he can be waiting for us!
1 Like
Hi Katie,
Thanks for the message. We arrived back home yesterday and although I was ready to leave it’s been difficult coming back as it feels like time has stood still in many ways. It feels like I am partly stuck in the past and in the last few months of last year and I am partly in the present day. This might be partly due to being away.
I went to the cemetery today to enquire about the new section that is opening up but they havent started the work yet and I was told come back in Feb. Hopefully by Spring I might have a place to go and visit dad where I can spend some time and think about him. I feel like it might help me.
I went to collect the cats today and it was nice to see them after being away. I am going to get into a routine and also start some work on my house. Dad used to help me with house projects so I know he would tell me to get on with it.
I understand the thoughts and then the realisation that you won’t see your dad again. Since dad passed away I have still been able to function and get things done but the thoughts come out of no where and I get upset. The finality of it all is difficult to comprehend. I saw my dad everyday so I think it is unrealistic to expect anything but this all feeling very sad and daunting. It’s impossible to not miss our fathers when they were so special.
I like the idea of thinking that your dad is happy, with friends and waiting for you. When dad found out that he was ill he told me that this was the right order for him to go first and I think that gave him some peace.
I hope you are feeling a bit better today and you are taking care of yourself.
Xx