My husband died last November. I’m 61 now and we were together since we were both 25
I miss him so much. He really was my rock but before his death I would have been perceived as a confident woman with my own business.
Now Im not coping at all well. I manage to go to work but apart from that I mostly isolate myself from everyone. I’ve been to the doctors and I’m on anti depressants. Sometimes I feel like I’m floating out of control and I’m concerned for my mental health. Often I don’t answer the phone and piles of post lie un opened. I’m hyper sensitive and neurotic, terrified of everything. People I know are beginning to avoid me. Just don’t seem to be able to pick myself up
My husband died last November. I’m 61 now and we were together since we were both 25
Hi Sarah, everything you say I can understand. My wife passed in November, we met in our late 20’s and she was in her early 50’s when she died. We worked together and shared a very interesting life that neither of us expected. The loss of her destroyed me, literally. I thought it had got easier and about 4 months in I just fell apart again, not able to function, crying every day. For me, it was the shock wearing off, I reckon I’d been holding a lot of the emotions back, unconsciously waiting until I thought I could handle them. It was such a hard time, but it slowly moved away. I’ve come to understand that when people talk of grief being non linear that this can be part of what they mean, a real ebb and flow that sometimes just carries you off, but always seems to bring you back eventually. You say you’re using prescribed medication, it may be worth chatting again with your GP to establish if what you’re experiencing could be a side effect of the medication. Sadly some anti depressants list some of the things you’re experiencing as a side effect. And to be clear I’m not saying stop taking your medication, I’m in no way qualified to do that
Hi Sarah, what you are feeling is a natural response to losing the other half of you. Your loved one becomes part of your every being, makes you whole, makes you, you. When they’re no longer here your life is ripped apart.
I lost my Derek just before Covid hit, I took a sabbatical as couldn’t face going back to work as he was a big part of my working life. We didn’t work together but we messaged a lot throughout the day, had our 12:45 lunchtime call which you could set your clock by. I had quite a responsible job & I lost all the confidence I had, had panic attacks even thinking about going back.
When Covid hit I couldn’t work from home, we’d just downsized to a one bedroom apartment as we were moving to Spain in March 2020, everything was in place, obviously I wasn’t going to go on my own so I still took early retirement as planned.
I’m three and a half years on now & I’m still working on building up my confidence, I did keep the apartment in Spain which I’m glad about as I feel him there, I find peace in our little piece of paradise as we called it. It was a big step going there on my own but I had to sort out the inheritance side of things, my sister came with me the first time. It still was as he left it, he stayed a bit longer than me as he’d already taken early retirement… Christmas stuff up as we were going back for the New Year. He passed away just before Christmas. That first visit could have broken me & I’m glad my sister was with me as she helped me past the hurt & pain.
Every day is a challenge & I find family events hard as he’s not here & he should be. It’s just been our grandson’s first birthday, he’s so much like his Grandad & it breaks my heart he’ll never meet him.
Take care & keep writing it’s helped me so much xx
Thanks for taking the time to reply and sorry you have experienced the death of your partner too. I have one friend who lost her husband ten years ago. She is my lifeline at the moment as she has been through what I am going through and nobody understands quite like someone who has experienced it first hand.
I’m so disappointed in some people who were good friends when my husband was alive, but whom I’ve heard nothing from since the funeral. I guess some people just don’t know what to say
I absolutely understand regarding loss of confidence. Finding myself alone at 61 I realise how much of myself was down to him. Being part of a couple, those day to day discussions about the kids, work, what we fancied for dinner tonight. All stuff you totally take for granted at the time but when they’re suddenly not there the world is a horrible, hollow, silent and terrifying place to be. When I’m not working, I sit at home, curtains closed, maybe watch TV and open a bottle of wine. I jump when the phone rings. Try to brave it out if it’s one of my sons as I don’t want to pile extra worry on their plate. They are also grieving for him and I think they know I’m not coping and that’s distressing for them
You’re absolutely right about people not knowing what to say, it’s how we’ve managed grief in our culture for a long time now. I’m as guilty as anyone of doing it in the past, I guess now, sadly, I know what to say. I was looking at something the other day that I’d jotted down very early on: grief is like learning to play chess in the dark without knowing the rules.
Still holds for me even now but I’ve figured out what rules work for me, trial and error.
We didn’t have a big circle of friends as we were happy with each other. But you’re right some people just don’t know what to say. Our best friends have been such a great support, Derek’s best man & his wife my maid of honour. They never make me feel like a spare part & we talk about Derek often. Derek’s two girls, my step daughters have always treated me like a “bonus mum” as they call me & have been great. Obviously they also lost their Dad so I’ve always tried to be brave around them. We didn’t have children together so it’s good that we still have that relationship & I’m Grandma to our first grandchild. I’ve also made a very good friend who I met at the churchyard tending her husbands grave & being able to talk to someone who has experienced the same thing is invaluable. Most friends are couples so they can never fully understand. Derek’s siblings & families are also a great support so I do think I’m very lucky in that respect. I just wish I had him here still & that breaks my heart every single day & always will.
I understand your pain i lost my husband to a cardiac arrest last week i couldnt save him he was 54 i dont know how i am going to live my life without him
@Cadge So sorry you’ve found yourself on here, it really is such a harsh time at the beginning. Everone on here can understand your pain and grief, it’s a good place to find some understanding, a place to vent and be heard. I had no idea how I was going to find myself and process what I’d experienced and its hard to believe I’ve made it this far, 9 months now. But just reading about peoples experiences on this ste has helped to get me to a place where I know I’m not alone and there is help in our collective efforts. It won’t get better but it will get easier and you can get through it, it will be slow and gradual with obstacles along the way but you will learn to live with it and smile again. Not the same you but you all the same.
Gosh I’m so sorry ! In the immediate days after my husbands death I was in complete shock. I had waves of terrible chest pain. Heartache, which I had always thought was just a term for feeling terribly sad, was a real physical pain and I could barely breath. I had panic attack after panic attack. Total disbelief that I would never see him alive again. I imagine this is what you are experiencing at the moment. I hope you have family or at least close friends around you, someone to hold your hand through the pain
How are you 9 month’s on? I just dont know how im going to get through this we had so many plans for the future.
6 months today for me. Partner died from cardiac arrest at 49. I never thought I would get here @Cadge the pain at the beginning, the disbelief, the planned future we would never have. It’s never ending heartbreak. But now 6 months in, the pain dulls, days get easier, you manage somehow. It’s a sink or swim process. Small steps, very small steps, just put one foot in front of the other. Accept the bad days, let them happen. Accept any help and be kind to yourself.
I’m getting through the days now, able to cook, socialise (a bit), plenty of walking, still lots of sadness and crying but not nearly so much pain. I’m learning to carry my late wife with me, allowing the grief in and accepting the way things are. Or at least trying. The grief, and this seems t be universal, comes in waves, it will build up and then recede. I wont kid you on its hard and its painful. At times you’ll not know what to do, how to find any form of peace, but it will pass, things will gradually get easier, take things at your own pace, at first I accepted all offers of help and assistance but always made clear to the person offering that I may change my mind at the last minute, everyone was always accommodating. I found most people appreciated being told what I needed, they just wanted to help but didn’t know how. I was honest with people, and as much as I could be, with myself about what I wanted and what I needed. And when its all too much, reach out on here, like I said we’re all here for one reason and sadly it’s the same as yours.
Aye the Future, that can be the killer at the start. Still is on my worst days. It never really leaves you, those dreams, and I don’t know if I’ll ever really get over what we lost, the promise we had made for ourselves. But, what I have realised is that I have lost that future but my wife is still with me, she informed so much of who I am that she always will be and I’ll take that, not to have lost her completely which was what I feared the most when she died. She’ll go on in me.
Its just heart breaking i did cpr but they took 20 mins to get to us the emergency services it was too late he was in a coma for 24 hours but didnt wake due to his brain being starved his funeral is next week the pain is like nothing i have ever had even losing my dad this is by far the worst i will be alone now until i meet him again my lights are flickering i know hes here with me.
I’m so sorry you had such a traumatic time at the end with him, it must have been devastating and so hard to dwell on. I still think of my wifes last moments and it still hurts badly. And as with you I was floored by the pain that bore down on me, I’ve lost people before as well and have to agree this is of a different order. There are many ways to experience grief and we each have our own route through but one of the things you’ll find everyone agrees about on here is that no one understands this situation until youre in it yourself. It’s why this site can be so useful. Do you have someone helping you with the funeral arrangements? I asked my wifes brother and mother to help with the understanding that I direct things and they were happy with this, it can be overwhelming and I found it useful to have someone to ask their opinion. I found just concentrating on that helped me through the first weeks. I found that it helped to just deal with what was neccessary at any given time and put things on hold until later.
I hope you do have help with the funeral. My husband told me what he wanted. I had the most amazing funeral director. To register the death they provided a car and loaded my mobility scooter in the back. Made sure there was someone with me all the time. When my brother in law was beeping awkward and wouldn’t take my scooter in his car to the funeral they provided a car at very short notice. They took away all the stress. Even arranged the officiate he wanted which took some doing. It was a beautiful funeral. 50 people attended.
Yes i have 2 sons in there twentys and my mum they are a great support. I just feel like im in a nightmare and need to wake up we were only in ibiza 5 weeks ago loving life i feel like i have been robbed.
You have been robbed but we must all soldier on.
It’s really difficult to shake off the disbelief, I think I’m just getting there now. I guess it’s the brains way of helping you cope with the trauma. It’s shit but theres no quick fix, just go with how you feel and know that later in the day your emotional landscape will more than likely have changed. Make the most of your times of stability, they will come. It will take some weeks but you’ll get to the point where you can look back and see that you’ve progressed, you can deal with things and you just keep building on that. Small steps and plenty of patience for yourself are in order, look after yourself, eat well if you can, get out for a walk if you can, even if its just for half an hour.