I lost my husband 6 weeks ago to cancer . He fought so hard for 3 years, but the last few months were so hard. Our elderly dog passed away last Sunday on Mothers Day, just 5 weeks after my husband. I’m just feeling so empty and overwhelmed. I’m an independent woman and have always worked full time (I am back at work full time now) but I think I’ve always defined myself as a wife and dog mum, now I’m neither. Work is being amazing and incredibly supportive and in honesty is helping ground me, but coming home in the evenings is so hard. I feel so bereft and alone. My husband tried so hard to get things done in the house and garden before he became too ill (it breaks my heart how hard he tried) but there are still so many things that need doing, I feel completely overwhelmed. I have family and friends, but I’m embarrassed to ask them for help getting things done; they have family’s of their own and are busy, I don’t want to impose on them. I keep braving it out, putting on my “I’m coping” face , which I am to a point, but when I’m alone, I just break down and feel like I can’t do it. Does that make any sense? Anyone else in this position?
Hi, our timelines look very similar and I am utterly lost too. Family and friends are being very kind, I’m doing things to keep busy but evenings alone are a nightmare. I can genuinely say I feel your pain, but know that’s of little comfort to you. Conventional wisdom is that things will get better, but some setbacks are so debilitating, I’ve yet to see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Hi Nooca, I’m sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It’s the worst pain possible. My wife managed to survive two years after being told that with her cancer she would be lucky to survive five months. Even though I knew the outlook was bleak and when I was on my own I would grieve, when she died on Christmas Day it felt like I was being ripped apart.
I’m sorry for your dog as well. We have two dogs, though my wife was the real dog lover and I try to hug them like she would but I know they are missing her. When ever they see a woman in the park they go potty trying to get attention which makes me cry.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Thank you so much Tom. I’m so sorry for your loss too, as you say, it feels like your hearts ripped open. It’s just so bloody hard and I keep wondering if it does get easier to cope with?? In some ways, I was lucky with our girl (our dog). She had dementia, so wasn’t really aware that her Papa had gone, but, yes, the same as you experienced, she kept going up to random men on her walk thinking maybe it was him. It’s just the empty feeling now that hurts so much. I find myself questioning my own identity now they’ve both gone if that makes sense.
Good morning Nooca it is very hard but things will get easier. At the beginning it was much worse than it is today. This weekend has been bad and most are for some reason the loneliness is the most difficult thing to overcome. My wife was with me 24 hours a day, at work she was in the room next door and I could hear through the wall. When she was diagnosed with bile duct cancer we closed our English Academy here in Spain to be together and look for anything to help.
Anyway I’ve been attending a bereavement group which has helped a lot and doing physical activities and lots walking keeps me sane.
Best wishes Tom
I’m so sorry for your sad loss . When my husband passed away I was so angry why did he leave me. Like you said my husband was the decorator the gardener the DIY man. Now I need to rely on people helping i hate having to ask i feel so embarrassed. But also surprised at what I’ve been able to do myself change plugs bulbs. Do some gardening etc which I love I take comfort in doing the garden
But I noticed nobody seems to offer any help and I was always the 1st to help everyone else..
Please take care
Thank you so much, it really does help to know I’m not on my own feeling like this. I always prided myself as being someone who could cope with anything and just get on with things. To an extent, I am doing that now, but I’m finding it excruciatingly hard and have major wobbles every day, invariably when I’m on my own, and just breakdown. Like you my husband was the DIY expert and amazing with the garden, I’m trying, but still keep feel like I’m failing. Thank you for your words x
Completely identify with this sentiment, except it was my wife who was hugely capable in the DIY and gardening departments, whereas if I moved nextdoor to you, your lawn would die. I’m petrified I’ll lose some of the houseplants, which would break my heart big time
Hi 40 years together
I’m ok with the DIY but the garden is another story, the indoor plants are already looking awful and veg patch is a mess. Don’t know what to do with it. The grass and flowers aren’t a problem outside. If one dies I can replant it.
Have a good day
Tom
Hi Tom
I bluff my way through the garden most i need to Google etc but I get there
My neighbour is a gardener he always comments that I’ve done it wrong or whatever. Instead of helping me anyway I’m happy with it
Take care 
Hi @Nooca I am just over 2 months in from losing my lovely Paul very suddenly. I also consider myself independent and was a single mum (kids much older now) and did a lot round the house myself. Paul was not much of a DIYer and don’t think he knew what to do with the garden so I did it - he moved in with me. BUT he was there to do some techy things like the ring doorbell and was always so encouraging and kind. I miss that motivation. I am also back at work - went back after 5 weeks and work are lovely - but I find that I have to just take the odd day off now just as |I am feeling so drained. I am most of the time OKish. It has definitely got better but the loneliness is acute and still have waves of incredible sadness, guilt and whatever other sometimes nonsense thoughts my brain flings at me. This site had been a lifeline and I have got some really good tips. Like the cortisol that is running thru us with fight or flight that emotionally drains us. Keep talking - we are here x
Thank you so much nikfabs and I’m so sorry for your loss as well. Yes I know what you mean about the acute loneliness; I try to keep busy and feel like I’m coping and then a wave of pain just envelopes me and I feel so alone. As I’m trying to do things, I keep coming up with questions I just want to ask Carl (how do I do this? Will it matter if I do that? How long should I leave this?) and then I feel so helpless and useless because I don’t know. We have a koi pond in the garden and I don’t know how the pumps and filters work, I’m so scared of his beloved fish dying. His best friend is helping me with this and showing me slowly how to do the various things, so hopefully I can get up to speed soon. It’s just all so overwhelming and scary. I’m so grateful to everyone who is responding to my post, it really does help not to feel quite so alone and isolated. Thank you x
I’m 2 months in, I’m struggling badly still. Although can’t face work as that’s where we first met. That is really tough for me right now. I have friends helping me but alot of my family live miles away and I don’t see them. I have terrible anxiety and struggle getting out. Night time is the worse time, when alone, it really hurts so much. I keep wondering if I can keep dealing with all these heartbreaking days. Sending you hugs
Sorry, I meant to say, I also get the ‘guilt’ thing….why do we feel this? I keep getting waves of guilt washing over me….did he know just how much I loved him? Did I do everything I could to make the end as easy as possible for him? Did I reassure him that I’d be ok, so he wouldn’t feel stressed? Did he know that I would always love him until the day after forever? I honestly think I can say yes to all these, but then doubt and guilt enter my head and the pain is so immense that I literally break. It scares me. X
Hey Lj.G, I’m so sorry for your loss and for how you’re feeling as well, it’s just so painful, it’s hard to imagine ever feeling ok again. It must be so hard not having family close by, my heart goes out to you 
Sending you a hug as well x
Hi LJ.G from what you’re saying you are feeling overwhelmed. Have you looked into getting some online counselling to help feel a little more in control. The are some great bereavement groups which aren’t online but if you are finding the idea of leaving the house an issue the online options maybe better. I really hope you find some solace soon.
Wishing you all the strength you need
Tom
Hi Nicci, I think the guilty feeling is very common. I was with my 24/7 for the last 2 years she was ill and I probably hug and kissed her more than ever during that time yet how many times even today have I been beating myself up for not hugging her enough, not making a special day here or there, not taken her on more holidays or special days out etc. In the end we have to just allow these ideas to come and go and try not to feed them as they do no good and aren’t true. Of course if I went back twenty or thirty years I’d probably hug her so often she’d want to get a divorce.
At the end of the day we know how much they loved us and that is why this is so hard.
Wishing a lovely evening
Tom
yes you can @LJ.G you have got this far. And the anxiety I think is normal too - it is so draining. thats tough with work as I find the things we didn’t do together much easier to handle than the things we did do together. keep strong and we are here for you x
so very true Tom.
Thank you, so sorry for your losses too. I do have lovely friends who try to help me. But this grief does come in waves that I find so hard to cope with. This site is a real lifesaver for me at the moment. I am trying to get out when I can, am hoping with small steps the feelings will get better. Sending hugs to you.