Feeling alone and abandoned

Losing a partner
1

I saw a saying it read something like

It seems rock bottom has a basement.

Today that is how I feel.

My husband died in March.

It was his birthday this week.

You can imagine or you may know how difficult that is.

Then some of his family were insensitive and really upset me the next day.

Now I am really quite ill. I don’t know if it is grief, a result of being so upset or a severe stomach bug. Perhaps all three.

I won’t go into the yucky details. I have been in bed all day except when I had to visit the loo and also to feed our cats. It is not pleasant dishing up cat food when you think you are about to :face_vomiting:.

Of course, if my husband was still alive he would have dealt with all that.

I had the usual comments in the beginning’If there’s anything you need, If we can help……

So I sent out 3 group messages about how I am ill, trying to look after the cats and need to get heart medicine from the vets as it has run very low.

I even posted the hours of the vets.

Not one response.

So YES, I feel alone and abandoned.

There is a very casual meet up soon to celebrate my husband’s life. I was having doubts about going due to the insensitivity of others recently. Now, I don’t know if I will be well enough.

I included those people who have said they would come to the celebration in the messages.

End of moan.

Thank you for letting me moan and share how I feel xxx

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Hi Rose.
I’m so sorry you are feeling unwell and have been let down by those who you would hope are there for you.
If I was nearer I would come and help you with the cats myself - as I am sure many would offer to do on this site.

It’s really crappy when you are sick and on your own.
And the first birthday is hard - my husbands was just a few weeks ago so I know how heartbreaking it is.
I wish I could make it easier for us all but I can’t.
Make sure you moan all you want on this site - we are all here to support you in any way we can.
I’m currently on a walking holiday with my youngest daughter ( her idea ) and although it’s nice to have some distraction I keep seeing couples at breakfast.
I thought about throwing a croissant at one annoyingly loud woman this morning. My daughter wouldn’t let me - but I wish I had :laughing:

Sending some love and a huge hug for you.
It will get better - I am sure it will. Or at least we need to believe that it can xxx❤️

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Thinking of you Rose it’s very hard without any support I hope you improve tomorrow.I feel very alone too but I do have a couple of relatives who would be here immediately if I needed anything, I only have to ask problem is I don’t like asking so struggle through alone most of the time.

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So sorry you are having a bad day Rose. Even if your family have deserted you today, we are all here for you. I’m guessing you are not surprised by the lack of response but it is disappointing and just highlights our aloneness. Your virtual family are thinking of you and wishing we could help more. Just moan as much as you like. It’s totally justified. Sending a very big hug :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: xx

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Hi Rose,
So sorry to read that you are having a bad day and ill as well. It is so disappointing when people are not supportive, especially if they have been the ones that once said “if there is anything I can do, just say”.
This grief is awful, even when you feel ok, how much worse when you feel poorly.
I wish we all lived closer to each other and could help out, literally, rather than cyber-support.
I hope that you, and your cars feel better soon.
Love and hugs. Xx

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Thank you everyone.

I know you all understand.

It is a very difficult time, grieving, birthday and illness.

Here’s to next week being better.

I appreciate your support and understanding so much!

Rose :heart::heart:xx

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Awh Rose I’m sorry that you are not well, that makes the grief and all of that so much harder. Its very sad that you have been let down by so called friends.

I really dont know what to say, but i hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Sending hugs.

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Thank you.

Your reply means so much.

You understand how I feel.

I won’t go into things that been said, done and not done. Just to say they have hurt me deeply.

I know some of you on here have been on the receiving end of such hurt, actually worse than mine.

People on here are so supportive.

People who have gone through so much pain, suffering and loss have shown more compassion than others who still have their normal lives. The lives we so wish we still enjoyed.

I have some very good friends, neighbours and a a couple of cousins. My cousins have their own worries but have been there for me.

I am going to try and focus on the lovely, kind people, including you and those on here.

Thank you for letting me share, it really helps.

Also, be assured I am here to read your posts and help if I can.

Much love and many hugs,

Rose xx

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So sorry @RoseGarden ; birthdays are hard to get through, especially if you’re not well. Hope you feel better soon.

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Thank you.

It is so kind of you!

Love Rose xx

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Hi Rose,
Hope you feeling much better soon.
You are always so very kind caring.
Ellie xx

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Hi Ellie, thank you so much.

That is so kind.

I know I am being a pain at the moment.
I do try to be kind.
Perhaps that’s why I do not understand those who not try.

Love and hugs,

Rose. X

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Hi Rose,
You are honestly not being a pain.
Like you, I try to be kind etc and that is why I struggle greatly with the total lack of any positive behaviour towards me from my partner’s 2 children since he passed away.
I totally understand yr hurt .
Take care and big hugs.
Ellie x

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Hi Rose

I lost my partner on 3rd July, his funeral was on the 24th (Wednesday) and Friday i tested positive with Covid.

Thankfully i gave no cats, as i can just about look after myself. But i do feel weak like a kitten.

I too have had insensitive, stupid comments made to me by my family. Like its only Covid. You can still go out and get food and paracetamol.

You are not alone, and i feel for you.

Grt well soon

Xx

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I am so very sorry.

That is so recent. I really feel for you.

To send a message is so very very kind.

You really are going through so much.

I don’t know why people say such stupid and insensitive comments.

I hope you have some sensible and sensitive people there for you.

You will certainly find them here.

Covid really was severe for me when I got it for the first time quite recently.
So I understand and empathise.

I hope you start to recover from Covid very soon.

Please know we are all here for you.
We understand.

Sending you a very big hug :people_hugging: .

Love,
Rose xx

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You are lovely, thank you.

It is so hard, so unfair, that when we need kind, sensitive people around us, many of us have the opposite kind appear.

Love and hugs,

Rose xxx

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Hello,

here we are on another terrible Sunday.

I know many of you hate Sundays for many reasons.

From communicating with many of you,
I know, like me, it is the day of the week when your loved one passed.

Whatever day of the week is that sad day for you, I send you love and hugs :heart::heart: xx

I am still undecided as to whether I will go to the casual meet up I organised for today for my husband.

I know you understand when I say I want to do it for him as I feel it’s my last chance to honour him. So I feel like I would let him down if I don’t go. Many people have assured me I would not be but you know how much you want to special things for them…

I first told people about this remembrance/celebration at the time of the funeral. You know how you are at that time and then it was 1 person who had behaved appallingly with 2 being ‘disappointing’ .

Since then, a number of people have joined that list. So a higher proportion of people I wish not to be there.

I thought it would be a more positive experience than a wake (didn’t have one) with the lovely people who had been lucky enough to have known him.

Plus I didn’t fully know what weeks of grief would be like.
I naively thought that over 3 months on I would be able to cope better.

My idea of what it will be like today has changed.

I am not just disappointed, I am angry.

I honestly don’t know how I will react if I see them.

That is all without the remaining symptoms of my stomach problems.

Does anyone think they could impersonate me?

Thank you for letting me get all that all out.

Sending such big hugs.

Love,

Rose xx

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Hi Rose.
You do what you think is right for yourself today. And it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says.
It might help you feel a bit better if you go, but I think the day might be really hard no matter what. It’s one of those no-win situations - although sometimes people can surprise you in a positive way.
People do hurt us all the time, let us down, and it seems like nobody cares. But many do care……they just don’t understand. My widow friend often tells me that people deep down mean well, they just get it wrong an awful lot.
I try to believe her, and I do think people mean well in the main. Those that are really hurtful I now keep away from and those that avoid me I wonder how sad their life is that they have no room for empathy towards another ( that includes my sister )
Like you, I also thought that things would get easier as time passes, but for me at the moment it just feels like every day is getting harder.
I hope that’s just part of the process and there will be a time when it feels less of a slog to get through the day.
You are not alone in all that you feel, so please know that.
And if you feel angry - I would suggest you let them know - nothing like a good bit of grief anger to set the cat among the pigeons !
The care and I truly hope you manage to get through the day without too much extra heartache.
Sending some strength and a huge hug xxx

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Thank you @roni52 ,

sadly there was something that was the final straw and really made the decision for me.

I am not going.

I have tried to let people know.

My main regret is that I have let my husband down. I so wanted to do this for him.
Many have said that I am not but this is my guilt.

I am shocked at how angry this person has made me feel.

I also realise that in some way I have handed the power over to them.
They will go, raise a glass to my husband and act as if nothing has happened.
That is if they even realise what they have done.
If they do, I am sure they will see it as my fault and also that I am over sensitive.
I have had to call them out before, they sort of apologised but obviously did not like it. They are very rarely called out.
I am just not up to it today.

I will also miss meeting up with the lovely people who truly appreciated my husband and have been so kind and supportive.

Thank you for caring. I appreciate that so much.

Sending you lots of love and hugs xxxx

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Hi Rose,
Kindness and compassion is not difficult,how can someone who has just lost their life partner and love of their life be over sensitive,unfortunatley I have had the same problem and cut them out of my life,I am sad you feel unable to go,
I hope your tummy gets better soon.
Ronxxxx

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