Feeling alone

Having lost my husband in June 2016 I find that in the situation we find ourselves in at the moment I am as bad (if not worse) than when he passed away. It doesn’t get any easier as the years go by but you find your own way of coping. Since this lockdown started I am finding it more difficult to cope. Even though I have a lovely supportive family and good friends some days I feel so alone. Try to keep myself busy and go for my daily walk but still comes back to the empty home syndrome. When sharing your thoughts and worries with your husband is no longer an option. Would be interested to hear how others are coping with this different world we are living in and tips on feeling less isolated

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Hello Deedee 1524. I lost my lovely husband exactly the same time as you so your words are just what I say. This lockdown is like being back to that horrible time. As the same as you I have a wonderful family and friends but still feel so alone especially when coming in from my daily walk. When Ron passed I made some good friends who have also lost their husbands and of course we were always keeping busy as everyone says when you loose someone. As you say it doesn"t get any easier as time goes on. You just learn to live with it and I keep saying to myself keep going Carol because that is what he would want me to do but Oh Boy it is difficult. We were married over 50 years and I am so thankful for the wonderful marriage we had and the lovely family we have… Keep posting it does help to read these messages and know we are among friends who are all the same as us. Love and hugs to you. xxx Carol xxxx

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Thank you so much for your reply Carol it means such a lot. As you say we are fortunate to have wonderful families and friends but in these unprecedented times we still feel lonely. As with you Allen was the love of my life and we would have been celebrating our Golden Wedding on 1st August this year. I hold tight to all the wonderful memories we made during our years together and know that for a lot of people they do not have the many years that we had. Thank you again for your lovely words. Stay safe big hugs xxx Denise xx

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Hi, yes I think the lockdown is affecting us all even when we say we are fine with it. Keeping busy only last for so long and going for a walk doesn’t seem to tick the right box. My only sensible comment is to say ‘ it’s not for ever’ and to keep smiling. I do hope you both have excellent neighbours and friends who you can talk to you over the hedge. it’s definitely a crazy time but it will come to an end, we just have to hold on. Take care, blessings S

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Thank you Susie, yes it is taking its toll on a lot of people and a lot worse of than me which I keep telling myself. I do have good neighbours and an excellent circle of friends for which I am truly grateful. I try to keep myself busy and loo forward to my daily walk. Thank you for your reply it is much appreciated. Stay safe Dee Dee

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Dear Deedee,
I know exactly what you mean, I lost my husband of 47 years in 2014, it will be six years in August, we were together for 50 years, he was only 18 when we met, a young handsome boy. It was love at first sight.
I now live in the past such a lot, listening to our music, looking at photos, anything that reminds me of him. I keep active in the garden and do DIY jobs but at the end of the day I go to bed alone and get up again to an empty house.
I will be honest, the heartache never goes away, he is always on my mind and each time I look at his photo I still get butterflies in my stomach, there is this never ending need for his arms to be around me.
Like you say, this lockdown has not been easy, there are only so many movies, books, magazines you can watch and read, sitting in the garden only emphasises the fact I am alone so I keep busy. I have taken to going to bed in the afternoon just to pass the time, I don’t know about you but I feel tired doing nothing, no conversation with anyone, no going out to the shops, I have to isolate due to a medical condition even though in myself I am healthy, but I do it for my family as they have enough on their plates, worrying about their jobs and their children so I don’t want to get ill and give them something else to worry about.
It is just a matter of getting through the days as best we can but seeing all these younger people dying from the virus is heartbreaking. My next door neighbour, in his 50’s, has just been rushed into the Covid 19 ward and is being treated on oxygen so his wife is worried sick. I know what she is going through, anyone who has lost their soulmate knows exactly what people are going through when something like this happens as they have been in that position themselves.
All I can say is that you are not alone, we are all in this situation together and we just have to get through it the best way we can.
Please take care and stay safe.
Love
Sheila.x

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Thank you for your lovely message Sheila and yes I relate to all the things you have mentioned. I feel fortunate to have had such a good and happy marriage (will be 50 years in August) and a family who I love so much. This lock down has certainly made me feel my age and not being able to get out there doing my bit for those less fortunate than myself. I signed up with the NHS as a responder to chat to people if they felt isolated and have had a few conversations with people who have nobody in their lives and this has made me realise that having family and friends around us is a huge bonus. As you say there is only so many times you can do things. I have a huge collection of photos and spend many an evening reminiscing the wonderful times we had together. Thank you once again and look after yourself. Love Denise xx

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Dear Denise.
After quite a while of being a member of these forums I was asked if I would like to be a mentor, helping the newly bereaved people try and make sense of everything. I readily accepted, but now, it will be nearly six years since Peter died and I now feel as though I have nothing to offer anymore because I didn’t want to try and explain that even though it gets easier being alone as the years go by, the heartache never goes away, the wanting them back never stops. I will spend the rest of the years I have left remembering the past, perhaps it is not the way to go about it but when the past was the happiest time of my life, and the present and future holds nothing anymore, who can blame me.
I remember watching a film and an old lady was telling her granddaughter that the past seemed more real to her than the present, and that is how I feel.
Well, it is time for bed. I have been busy again today so I think I may have a good sleep, another busy day tomorrow, spraying a second coat on the wrought iron gates and cutting hedges.
Please take care.
Love Sheila.xxx

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this lockdown is terrible but necessary, I’m lucky that I can message my widow groups Way Up and JDs for women and keep in touch by phone calls and messages as don’t have any close family hardly any at all that keep in contact, I’m slightly lucky as have my son live with me due to my head injury from years back, hope this ends soon, I knit, watch movies and do all the jobs that need doing in the house like cleaning out the cupboards and do what I can in the garden. Take care x

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Bless you Sheila I really understand where you are coming from. Yes we do get used to a different way of life but having the love and support of our much loved husbands is still very real and feel that this has been emphasised even more during lock down. Thank you for messaging me it means a lot and to find out that I am not by myself in to some extent living in the past. I too have been finding jobs to keep me occupied including painting my gates and plenty of gardening. Stay safe Sheila and I know you will (as I do) keep those wonderful memories to the forefront of your mind. Love Denise xxx

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Hi Sue thank you for your kind response to my message. I do realise that I am more fortunate than most with being surrounded by a supportive family and friends but find that having no one to discuss my feelings, concerns with at home is taking its toll. I am pleased that you have the company of your son to share your worries with and understand that with having a medical issues this must be a plus for you. Yes I have been spending my time outdoors with the lovely weather we have had and find this helps the days pass that little quicker. Stay safe and thank you once again for taking the time to message me. x

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Hello Deedee,
This lockdown is no different for myself, I am housebound in any event. I have multiple medical conditions which stops me from going out of our bungalow, I always include Stan in any posts which I make.
I have become so used to it, it doesn’t bother me

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Thank you Denise,
It is a long, long journey we are on alone but one day we will be together again.

Love
Sheila.x

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Hi Mary,
Sorry I have not been on touch, no Broadband again and the phone is also off. Getting fed up of it now. Will try and give you a ring tomorrow for a chat.

Love
Sheila.x

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Hi Susie. I noticed that a few days ago you made a comment about going for a walk didn’t tick the right box. Sorry but I beg to differ, as it is now being proven that walking and being out with nature is proving very therapeutic in such troubled times and being openly encouraged by Doctors for obvious health reasons, exercise, mental health and Vitamin D. I am a keen walker and enjoy being out in the countryside and found that it has saved me both through grief and with the lockdown and there is still no reason why you can’t remain isolated. I understand if walking is not something that really interests a person but it might be worth giving it a try.
I cannot see neighbours over my fences but I do meet with other dog walkers when out and by keeping the required safe distance it can be pleasant having a chat.

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I agree, Pat, I used to walk miles until I damaged my spine, now it takes me ages to walk down our drive and it is very short.
I hope that everyone is well. x x

I do feel for you, Sheila, I am sorry
Love, Mary x x

hi Pat
well said yes a good walk will be good for us all,if we are mobile that is.
if not maybe sit in the garden for a while,at least youll get the vitamins your body needs from sun light.if sitting in the sun please use a good sun block dont want be getting sunburnt.pity the online volunteers against long walks but sensible about staying safe at least.
regards
ian

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I can’t even sit outside because of an inherited blood condition which I have called porphyria, one of the symptoms which I have is an allergy to solar light and the sun, These cause me to come out in very painful water blisters. it is incurable but it is kept under control by my having a pint of blood removed every so often, there are other nasties too, with which I won’t bore you.
I was aged 56 when this dratted condition manifested it’s self, thank fully, our children, who are in their 50’s do not have the gene
I am concerned for our grandson and our great grandson.

Love, Mary.