I have lost my partner of 10 years and I feel like I cannot carry on without him. I miss him so desperately and it is so painful.
He had a cardiac arrest during the night sometime whilst myself and his 23 year old son were in the house asleep . I found him warm still in the early morning and gave him CPR. He then spent 9 days in a coma and it was determined that there was no longer any brain activity and it was in his best interests to let him go peacefully then donate his organs.
He was 50 years old and the most vivacious character you could imagine, so full of life, clever, handsome, kind and funny. We were so happy together and looked forward to doing so much more in life. I am wracked with guilt over his son’s devastation aside from mine. He is so quiet and subdued. We were both with him when he passed away and it was so horrific to watch that I think it has traumatised us both.
I went to see him at the chapel of rest, hoping to see the peaceful man I had seen in the coma before the horrible ending. I saw anything but him. I found it absolutely horrifying, he looked nothing like my darling man at all. Even the coffin shocked me.
4 weeks have passed and his funeral was held last week. It was absolutely packed to the rafters and I couldn’t believe it was happening. I couldn’t cry a single tear. His son was the same, I can’t imagine how he feels for even a second if I feel like this. That is his father and he carried the coffin.
The day he passed away I came home and had thoughts of suffocating myself to stop the pain. It was only thoughts of his already devastated son that has stopped me, never mind the fact that it would finish off my ageing parents if I were to do something like that.
These thoughts have returned over the last 10 days, although I have so much support and love and my wonderful step son barely leaves my side.
I feel so angry inside, he has been so cruelly taken from us so early. I can’t believe I will never see him again. I talk to him and I wish I could hear his voice talking back to me. I don’t want to talk to anyone else but him. I just want to be with him again as everything else seems completely pointless. He has left us both financially sound for life but I feel like burning it all as it means nothing at all without him here. Our dogs are heartbroken and I look at them and feel so sad that they don’t understand why he never came home again.
I want to know if anybody else has felt like ending things to be with their partner, and I need to know if this feeling passes. I feel so selfish but I can’t see a way to go on and deal with anything related to daily life when I can’t really accept that he isn’t coming back to us. I have never felt like this before and don’t know what to do next.
Dear @Amy1982 I am so sorry for your loss . My husband died suddenly at 58 . I also felt that I needed to go to him at first but that does subside . We have lost so much but they would want us to live our life’s I am sure . The pain never goes but it eases when I keep busy . It’s a terrible time for us all my thoughts are with you
Hello Amy, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through is awful. I am only 7 weeks in from my husband passing and we also have a son of 23 which resonated with me.I can only tell you that there will be good and bad days and that your lovely husband would not want you to suffer like you are. This is easier said than done, allow yourself to cry and grieve and be kind to yourself. You have gone through a trauma and your body and mind needs time to process. I have struggled with the feelings of what is the point and why carry on but I have to remember I have a son who misses his Dad terribly and I know my husband would want me to carry on. I cannot tell you when the pain will ease but keep reaching out because the people on here have helped me more than I can say, if only to know that others are going through this and are so supportive. I am still struggling to sleep but have managed an extra hour tonight so some progress. If you need to talk please message. Love and hugs and take care. Xxx
So sorry for your loss amy your story sounds just like mine early hours i woke my son 24 helped me do cpr also its truely devastating and traumatic. Its 2 months for me into to this horrible journey here if you need a chat xx
Hello @Amy1982,
I’m sorry for the loss of your partner. I can hear the pain in your post. You’ve had some good support and advice, but I wanted to share some resources with you too.
You want to know if people feel like ending things to be with their partner and whether it passes. Feeling like you don’t want to go on and want to be with your loved one are feelings lots of people who are grieving experience. We had a video here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
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If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
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Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
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Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
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You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please, @Amy1982, get in touch with one of these services.
Take good care,
Seaneen
@Amy1982 I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly 9 months ago. I went to work on the Saturday and Sunday my son who is 23 rang me to say that dad had collapsed. Time I got home he was gone. I did CPR until the paramedics arrived. He was 53 years old. The first few months I felt like you…in shock and numbness. Gradually my days are getting better without so much rawness like the early days though I still cry a lot and miss my husband terribly. I was diagnosed with PTSD which I had some therapy for. I been told by a lot of people on here to take one hour at a time and not to look into the future as the future is not here yet and we can’t control the future or the past as we know. Please keep reaching out to this group. So sorry that you are going through this horrendous journey. Life indeed is unfair and cruel. Take care and big hugs xx
Thankyou hazel you give me hope hope your doing ok xx
@Cadge thank you…I just try and keep busy though today I decided to do housework but haven’t got very far lol. Big hugs Xx
Thanks Hazel, I am struggling with housework. My husband used to say I could clean a room as I walked through it but at the moment I am finding it difficult to care except for the bathroom which seems to be the thing I do at night when I can’t sleep!! Take care. Xx
Yes the motivation is so hard to do anything. I’m the same as you by mainly cleaning the bathroom and kitchen though some days I might not wash up for a couple of days. I guess what we are going through the house work doesn’t matter. Can be done another day!
Big hugs xx
@Hazel.1966
It is 37 weeks today since I lost my wonderful husband. I had every intention today of catching up with housework, but have no motivation at all. So, reading your post, makes me realise it’s not just me. I used to get up in the mornings and get on with tasks without thinking about it. What this deep grief does to us is unbelievable.
Take care.
@Rome18 I am the same as you 9 months down this grief journey. I used to be so house proud and used to moan at my husband for making a mess. I even moaned at him for not washing up properly and missing items on the work top. How I wish things were different. Yes motivation is so hard. Manage to dust and hoover the lounge today which took hours as kept getting distracted. Big hugs xx
This made me chuckle. I was the same and used to say to my husband that he did the washing up badly on purpose because I used to say leave it, I will only have to do it again. I loved a day off when I could have a really good clean and tidy. I would be delighted to have his mess and clutter back now. It is things like this that can floor you. Xx
@Billie7 and @Hazel.1966
I really beat myself up when I now think of such unimportant things I used to tell him about. Apart from the kitchen, as we have mentioned, but I used to get fed up with the bathroom mirror being splashed. I would give anything to have him back and he can make as much mess he likes.
Sending hugs x
Yes definitely…my husband was such a bugger lol. I used to call him to carry the washing out into the garden. 10 mins later no sign of him so I did it then he come out to the kitchen to do it lol. I do miss him so much. The things we took for granted. Wish I could have my old life back Xx
Mine doesn’t subside I just want to be with him x we were so happy x
Oh the bathroom mirror. I have never known anybody be able to get soap and water so far across a room and his ability to drip coffee everywhere was second to none. Xx
@Billie7
My husband stood too close to the mirror whilst brushing his teeth with his electric tooth brush, so a toothpaste splattered mirror!
Mine was a house proud man . He was a joker that would take the Mickey out of me and others . He had me laughing so much .
It is nice to be able to talk about him. I feel like people don’t mention him for fear of upsetting me but it is more upsetting to behave like he didn’t exist. I still have his coats on the hall stand and his slippers on the shoe rack. I don’t know if this is right but I cannot bear to move them. Thanks for talking. I am having a bit of a crappy evening but that seems to be the new normal. Xxx