Feeling destroyed

Coping with bereavement
22

Dear Ali21

I understand your feelings totally and have said the similar thing on this forum a number of times. Some days when I could not face things I stayed in bed till late afternoon or just lay on the settee with a blanket over my head so that I could not watch the world continue as if nothing had happened. There are days when the pain slightly lifts and I can go and get some food shopping, but even that was hard in the early days. Shopping for one is not easy. I started to go to the local farm shop where you could ask for scoops of prepared food items. That way I avoid the dreaded ‘meals for one’. Not that I eat that often - it tends only to be the day before and the actual day/evening when I have our eldest grandson. He is just 18 months and we always had him stay when my husband was alive so I needed to keep up this routine just for him.

Hoping that you have support around you. This is not an easy journey.

Thinking of you.

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23

Thank you for your kind words
We also had our granddaughter to stay over till my husband health got worse then we couldn’t have her over to stay. Now I’m having both this weekend I’m not sure what to feel about it as my husband was always the big kid loved playing with them reading stories etc

24

Dear Ali21

Our eldest grandson was only 9 months when my husband died. I have a recording of him the day before the accident making him laugh. The other grandson was born after the accident so never got to meet his granda. My husband just adored the grandson, he did everything for him and I remember my husband saying he could not wait to watch him run around the bungalow. He never got to see that and it just breaks my heart.

I only have the eldest one night a week. I am not up to having a baby plus toddler at the moment and also not too confident just having the baby for one night. He is only 3 months old and I think it would be a bit of a stretch.

I hope like our eldest grandson does for me that having your grandchildren stay overnight brings you some relief if only for a short time. Not going to lie sometimes I still cry after I have put him to bed as he looks like his dad but has many similarities to my husband in terms of hair colour and his smile.

Take care. x

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25

So sorry for your sad loss
Our 1st granddaughter was just 1year old when my husband died but just before Christmas our 2nd was born Ella comes in few times a week saying papa and kisses his photo which breaks my heart but also happy she remembers him.he loved both granddaughter’s and like yourself always said I can’t wait till they are both out in the garden in the pool or playing.
Now I know that’s never going to happen
It’s just utterly heart breaking so sad

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26

Dear Ali21

It really is. I see myself now as the custodian of making sure he is remembered. Sometimes a bit hard when I see his family having parties, celebrations etc and posting pictures on Facebook of (in their words) “the good times” with no mention of my husband.

I can understand your heartbreak at your little granddaughter kissing his photo but as you say there is some comfort from at least knowing she knows who he is.

I wish I could change things for everyone who finds themselves in our position I really do.

Take care.

27

I totally hear all that you are saying I also have similar with husbands family. Didn’t bother when he was ill did not respect his wishes at the end ie funeral procession etc
Now being ignorant to my children
But no love lost we never spoke for over 10 years
There loss
He was happy with this family thats all that matters we can only make them proud of us

28

Dear Ali21

Your experience with your husband’s side of family mirrors mine. I think my husband thought they would be there for us in such circumstances but fortunately for me my family are all close. Husband also had two very close friends and they are there when we need them. The rest, just went back to their own lives.

Take care.

29

I lost my husband almost 4 years ago and am still grieving for him, the tears come voluntarily and uncontrollably. The world appears to consist of couples and is more noticeable when you are alone. How I wish I could give some good advice but don’t hold all your grief in, let it out, Don’t go down the path of anti depressants, which medics like to dish out, they merely stop the tears when In fact they need to be released. Be kind and caring to yourself. Xx

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30

Dear May2001

Thank you. Our GP is very anti-depressant route and for me that is ok. Also me and husband were not big on much form of medication.

I have broken down in several shops today. Buying our daughter a birthday card was a real struggle and then when I took our laptop into Curry’s. My husband was the IT whiz not me and when they told me they had to send it away I just broke down and cried. It contains all our photos going back to 2007. I had to excuse myself and leave the shop because I don’t want to leave it and risk losing all our precious memories that are irreplaceable. But don’t know how to download onto something that would be big enough in terms of storage capacity. So many things have broken down since my husband died and they are all things he would know how to sort out.

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31

I have noticed through this dark time that there are alot of couples something I’m struggling with seeing if I’m being honest
I can’t hold my tears in they just keep on coming

32

I suffer from seeing that and wishing. It’s not their fault but it hurts to see people doing things that you can’t anymore. I don’t like being out, I’m safe in my castle but also very lonely without conversation or contact. Hopefully in time I will be at peace seeing things like that, but it’s so so tough.

33

It is very tough indeed I understand everything you are saying Iam so scared of leaving home I’m also safe here with all my precious memories of my husband
Then I don’t need to panic if I see someone I know incase they say the wrong thing for fear of me breaking down

34

Dear Sheila26

It’s the other way round for me. All the things to do with running a home are strange for me. Overnight I had to work out how to wash clothes, cook, plan single meals, shopping, cleaning the house, who’s birthday was when, what needed paying when plus all the soul destroying business of removing her name from banks, insurances and on and on. It’s not that I was a lazy bloke, not at all, it’s just we carved the chores up into pink and blue jobs. I wish I did more, it seems so much to do, but she did it and had room to give me a big hug when I got home. Not wishing to patronise, but the lady of the house does so much that I feel embarrassed. I was and am the fixer, my job in the building game was to build renovate fix and repair, but the one thing I couldn’t fix was her. How worthless I feel. My Gp has offered pills and potions, to help with my moods, sleeping and general well-being. I haven’t tried them yet. I’m on a waiting list for counselling, so will try that first. I want to feel good, but just feel that I’m betraying her by even carrying on, I feel guilty, for no reason, I was loyal to the vows I gave to her on my wedding day and still am. I hate the status of Widower, I’m married, but free to do what I like, but it’s not right doing stuff without her. Not sure how to get my head around this stuff, but I must, she would hate it if she could see me, so I owe it to her to carry on, but I don’t feel like I deserve anything. She gave up everything, so I feel I must as well. Absolutely bonkers isn’t it.

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35

It’s not bonkers at all. I know what you mean. Even when I bought new clothes, I thought that he wouldn’t see them so why get them. One of the things that really saddens me is that my husband deserved to be here enjoying life and looking forward to doing the things that he wanted to do when he retired. I feel so sad for him that he can’t and that he will miss key events in his children’s lives.

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36

Yes so many reminders and yes I feel like “why bother” a lot of the times. I find myself just sitting about with nothing on my mind, just sitting there. I look at the garden and the benches we used to sit and have a cuppa on. I sit on them, but it’s so lonely just being there on my own. Even just cooking and eating on my own is a chore. I have taught myself to cook and try and be as healthy as I can. I’m reminded every time I go shopping that how effortless she used to plan and shop with an encyclopaedic knowledge of ingredients, where the best deals were, and whereabouts in the shop they are stored. I used to just mooch about with the trolley and think that she wasn’t organised, but boy, what a shock. She knew exactly what she was doing. My cupboards are bare now, just have the stuff I know how to use and remnants of herbs and spices that frankly I haven’t got a clue about!

I haven’t sorted her clothes out yet, it’s too painful, I do spray her perfume in the bed and sleep with a pillow next to me, it comforts me but I mis so many things, the hand to hold, the excitement of spontaneity, holidays, walking even being told off for leaving my junk about the house.

I’m going to learn how to use the sewing machine and use her favourite clothes to make a bedspread. I have so many pictures of us away in the clothes that just hang lifeless in her wardrobe.

But the books in writing about our life fill me with happiness abs sadness in equal measure, but I will continue with them, a living legacy for others to read in time.

The charity we have set up is also a great help and a reason to get up and shift my backside.

I don’t know which way life is going to pan out, small steps, sometime forward, mainly back though, but I will let head and heart battle with that and if all else fails, destiny.

I still love her, just wished I could tell her. But that’s what true love does for us all it screws your emotions up throughout our lives, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way, just wish this was just a bad dream that I could wake up from instead of living it everyday.

One thing that does comfort me is that I’m not alone with my thoughts, we all feel the same so we are united in our grief aren’t we.

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37

Dear Mikeh

We were the same. I did the household things and my husband did all the jobs in the house, garden, car that needed fixing. Fortunately I did all the finance side of things so except for probate preventing me accessing accounts etc I have not had to worry about bill payments etc. I know what you mean about removing names from bank accounts. I asked the bank not to send a new cheque book - we don’t use cheques nowadays much in any case - because I did not want to see this with his name removed but they went into autopilot and sent it out. The Council Tax is a big hurdle for me and the voting registration forms.

Like you I hate the ‘W’ word and refuse to use it. I remain married to the man that I made my vows to back in 1982 and it will stay that way. I have to believe we will be reunited or else there is no reason to continue on.

Regarding clothes etc as Jules4 has said I had bought a new top with my husband. It continues to hang in my wardrobe, I can’t bare to wear it now that he is not here. I have only bought myself one item since he died and felt so much guilt.

My husband has already missed one key event - the birth of our second grandson. It was a bitter-sweet day and the sadness was written across our son’s face for all to see. Heartbreaking just heartbreaking.

I tried to avoid bringing my husband food shopping, he used to just disappear and I would find him in the magazines aisle flicking through various things. Then if he did join me he would constantly pick up things we didn’t need. My fridge has the basics in since he died - milk and butter and a few carrots. I have no appetite but try to make a small meal at least once a day but it is so hard.

His clothes and shoes will remain where he left them. Our son keeps on trying to get me to sort them but there is no rush and I won’t be rushed. That will be the worst day for me. So I get trying to put one foot in front of the other but it is so hard still for me.

39

Dear Sheila26

We are all so alike but different. It seems we all do and feel the same, we were married in 82 so similar time married. I have two sons, one married and have found memories of the beautiful day. I was my dons best man, an honour. My other son is getting married next year, to a lovely Spanish girl. In Spain the mother gives the Son away, so I’m stepping up to the plate for that duty, but it will be a bitter sweet day, travelling to Spain, trying to keep spirits up and wishing for the hand of my wife, being the bloke not being able to have an embrace on the dance floor, not being able to tell my how beautiful she looks etc. It’s so hard, so I just have to suck it up for the sake of the day, it’s their day after all.

My wife hung on to the day after my other sons anniversary, bless her, I knew she was doing that, and it wasn’t long after I whispered in her ear that it was the past their anniversary that she past. Bless her, always thinking of others as a mum does.

Typing this has brought on tears, just shows how much we loved our partners.

But we are all feeling the same, a horrible fact of life. Let’s hope that time helps us all cope a little better.

Both my doctor and the chaplain said we truly loved each other and I will struggle with grief, little did I know how true that is.

Messages from like minded grieving people in a strange way help.

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40

Hi Anne3

I agree with not using the W word. I also looked after my wife both in hospital and at home. I was her first aider on three different occasions, just shows how unpredictable this cancer was.

I’m not a carer or a widower, I’m a loyal husband and do what I agreed to do when I gave my oath to my wife all those years ago.

My sister in law, looked after her dad and unfortunately found him when he past. Her husband also left her soon afterward leaving her with 3 children.

Her dad was her best friend and a much loved grandad, so it has been tough for her. It still is and now losing her sister as well, has brought up so many things that she thought had passed.

Grief has affected all the family and still continues to spin around like a whirlpool between us all.

All sorts of things set me off, the same as you, emptiness, smells, clothes, songs and that’s without seeing everyone just getting on with life when I can’t. Nature is beautiful and spiteful as well.

What was a home is a prison, solitary confinement. I don’t sleep well, don’t take this the wrong way, I hate going to bed, it’s a cold empty place. My friend bought me a long hot water bottle to put behind me in bed. subconsciously I think she is in bed, the warmth off the hotty bottle, but that’s just daft and too hot at times. Lately I cuddle a pillow and spray the bed with her perfume, don’t laugh, without that I wouldn’t go to bed at all. I have spent many a night asleep on the dining room table, or just done housework through the night until it’s light enough to go for a walk.

I walk and ride my push bike, or rather I punish myself until I feel real pain to numb the emotional pain. But I’m doing more and more to get the fix. I started walking 3 miles, know up to 18, cycle about the same and now I do 25, yes it’s a form of self harm. I know.

I recently succumbed to ask for counselling, I have been approved for counselling, but have to wait up to 10 weeks, the doctor has suggested antidepressants to help with sleep, but I haven’t taken the offer up yet, want to try the counselling first, but I’m not discounting them.

Conversations like this help.

I wish you hope and peace.

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42

Anne3,
What did you think of Cruse councilling. I ask because, I haven’t had any councilling. Grief has often tormented me. It’s heavy.

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Cruise, that’s who I’m waiting for. I hope they can un-mash my mind and provide the tools I need. I’m sure we both had loving partners, that’s why we are seeking so much and indeed getting counselling. If you love hard you grieve hard. We both know what that’s like.

We are not alone, so it’s good to share feelings though.