I lost my husband, the love of my life for 48 years, in January. He wanted me to get on with my life and do things I had not been able to do whist caring fo him. I am trying. I do have a good set of friens, most of which are single women. However when i do get out and do things I feel guilty about whether I should be enjoying myself. Just wondering whether others feel this way,
Hello, I’m sorry that you have lost your husband but you have come to the right place to share your feelings. I lost my husband 4 months ago and cared for him for a very long time. Like you I have mixed emotions about going out partly because I don’t want to be seen as “moving on too soon” and partly because I feel really vulnerable on my own. My friends have chosen to be single I did not so I struggle with this.
My thoughts are do what is right for you and what makes you happy, you should never feel quilt for living as we all know life is way too short
I know what you mean but there is no right and wrong thing to do unless it makes your unhappiness worse.
Doing something ‘enjoyable’ is not a betrayal of our partners but simply the only way to move forwards. If we had been the one to go first, I’m sure we wouldn’t want our other halves to live the rest of their lives simply mourning us.
It’s easy for me to write that, less easy to do but I aim to try.
My husband died 13 weeks ago suddenly and unexpectedly and I feel guilty about so much:
- guilty I am still alive and he isn’t
- guilty for seeing that’s its a nice day and he can’t
- guilty for enjoying a cake, chocolate, bag of crisps etc
- guilty if I laugh at something
- guilty for worrying about the future when he no longer has one
- guilty that I am angry with him
- guilty that I want to stop feeling so awful and what that says about me
- guilty that I am not keeping the house as tidy as he did
- guilty that don’t feel grateful for the 13 years (as people tell me I should be) I had with him and instead feel angry it wasn’t long enough
- guilty if I watch tv to think about something else other than the situation
And so the guilt goes on combining itself with all of the other rollercoaster emotions I am trying to cope with
I feel exactly the same and such utter sadness. My husband passed away suddenly 7 weeks ago and I also feel guilty about everything. My heart goes out to you and everyone who shares this pain. xx
Totally agree with you all. I feel guilty I’m still alive and he isn’t. Every morning, waking up to a new day I always ask: “What right have I got to be gifted with a new day in my life, while my soulmate didn’t get a chance to?” I feel like I’ve been left behind, that I shouldn’t be here. This survivor’s guilt is pure torture, isn’t it?
I’m so sorry for your loss, I was married 46 years would have been 47. I definitely understand what you’re saying as well, And as hard as it is one of the things that I remind myself every time I feel guilty , I know he wouldn’t want me to be miserable he would want me to be getting on with my life. But most of all I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would want him to be happy again I would want him to participate with friends. I would want him to fall in love again. I would never want him to be sad. I would want him to honor my memory by continuing to live. Because he love me. He knows it would have broken my heart to see him sad all the time.
Yes. Think we probably overthink things. All friends and family tell me to start living life again but there is still that niggle there.
Yes, I am trying My husband told me do do the things we had wantedto do together. I have got a cruise to the Northern lights booked with a friend and go in February and I am looking forward to it but with that tinge of guilt! xx
Yes and for you it is early days. My husband was very ill for a long time and on end of life care for a few months before he passed so the shock factor wasn’t there for me. Guess we need to be kind to ourselves because we know that none of our friends and family are thinking badly about us. xx
Hello Chris, The thing with grief is it’s different for everybody. I can’t tell you what I did the last year. Hubby died 1 October 2021. I started to write a grief journal. Everything goes in there warts and all. I have found it great to write things down. I joined a UK based widow & widowers group as well. I also bought second hand books by Joan Price. She’s a widow. Just take 1 day at a time. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. When u feel ready join a support group in your area. Are brains are all different so we don’t always respond the same way. Sorry for the long post. Hope something in it helps.
Yes I know he wanted me to to get on with life. He was a kind thoughtful man and I can hear him on my shoulder saying ‘come on pet, chin up’. I am getting there but two steps forward , one back. Evenings are the worse with no one to chat about TV with and have a laugh with. I do talk to my cat though. It is one step better than talking to myself!!!
Your not the only one who talks to an animal. I talk to the dog. Shame they don’t talk back. Evenings are worst & winter dark Evenings.
Jsg … you have just described me … except that i had 46 wonderful years with him … its so hard to ‘move on’ as I am being told I should be doing … I prefer ‘moving forward’ …but its only coming up to 6 months since I lost him and after 46 years of being a couple and knowing him inside and out, I still find myself going to pick up his fav things when shopping, or going to tell him when a fav programme is on tv … and then feeling guilty for watching it esp if it was something we always watched together …its so hard
It’s learning a new normal. We always watched a certain programme together as well. I have 50 episodes of this programme I can’t watch yet. Join a UK based widows & widowers group it helps.
Audrey54 - I do the same. Find watching TV particularly hard. So often we would forget an actors name but between us we would come up with it. Now I have to resort to google!!! Last week i bought three packets of his favourite crisps for price of two. I rarely eat crisps!!! Never mind the grandkids will enjoy them.
You have described exactly the things I find myself doing (buying things he liked) and not doing (TV.)
Also @chris1948, I recognise the not being able to think of things related to a programme my husband probably would have. It’s all yet another reminder that they’ve gone and hurts.
I’m the same when it comes to watching TV.
Actually I hardly ever watch it now, instead I ve been watching TV series from Amazon Prime, so nothing can ‘trigger’ me, except for when there are romantic stories, couples reuniting, falling in love, all this makes me burst out crying. I wouldn’t usually have reacted this way. One thing’s for sure, the programmes my husband liked to watch or we’d watch together, are absolutely banned now. He was a ‘Top Grear’ he always laughed at the Clarkson/May/Hammon humour, and when I started watching “The Great Escapists” I broke down crying, because my husband would have loved it!
You are so right all the anger and guilt are part of the grieving process every one has a different way of doing it
I lost my husband 5 years ago after 43 years of marriage and it took me a long time to Start to move on even now I cannot watch a couple of his favourite programs it does ease and you learn to live with it but it took me about 2 years to do this so take each day has it comes sending hugs to you all