I am trying to deal with losing my wonderful partner and husband of fifty years. Its always been the two of us. Since me being a teenager I just have loved him so much now all of a sudden this huge character and comedian that he was has left me. Fighting for his health and well being has destroyed my mental health and because we always came across as being copers people think that I am OK now. Far from the truth. I am a crumbling mess. Being a strong couple that devoted our later life to helping others everyone thinks I am ok .No I am not and feel now so isolated that no one sees that I am drowning in grief. Its like well that event has now passed so everything is back to normal. People are engaging with me in conversations about sad events but no one is seeing that I am also still so much suffering with my loss. I lost my wonderful husband in April and still cannot get my head round it. Never will I personally experience grief like this. I feel invisible because the people around me cannot see how much I am suffering
Alice I could have written this. I was with my partner nearly 40 years. We were the couple that helped everyone. I was the competent, confident one, who solved peoples problems. As a couple we always gave and never ask for anything in return. Since his loss I am not that strong person. I miss him so much. This sadness is breaking me apart. No one wants to listen to me, they still think thats my role. I donāt want to deal with my own problems, I donāt want to with theirs either. Sending you a hug and understanding
So sorry Alice. You arenāt invisible, and itās clear how much you are suffering. Perhaps you should tell them - they might assume you donāt want to talk about him. But everyone here hears you. Take care of yourself. Sending hugs.
This is just how I described myself a few weeks ago. Invisible.
Itās over 6 months since my husband passed and it was strange that almost to the day people started getting back in touch to see if I wanted to catch up - as if Iād be over it now. And why would I want to see them when they havenāt had any interest in supporting me or my kids over the hardest time in our lives.
People just want to know that we are ok - which isnāt a bad thing - but then if we say we are not, then I find they panic and distance themselves again.
A widowed friend I have met just says he is fine - but I feel that is me just pandering to what they need ( which is that itās all ok ) rather than what i need ( which is to honest about how things are. )
And I feel itās really disrespectful to say Iām fine after being together for all my adult life.
We shouldnāt be fine - and that is crap but itās also ok.
It was mine and my daughterās birthdays the last 2 days and we all tried hard to make them good, but it will never be the same.
My youngest is struggling so much now and at 16 she is already dreading Xmas and the sadness that will bring.
But no one wants to see that pain or heartache - so we continue to be invisible in our grief.
Except here, where we are all able and willing to share the pain. And that is worth being glad about.
Hi I agree with @Catrin1. Tell those you trust the most how you feel, and that you are struggling. Some may surprise you in how much they appreciate being asked personally for some support. If they donāt, you will be no worse off. If they do, then your friendship gets stronger.
When I was working as a manager, one of the most annoying things was when , having failed to answer a question, people used to say āwell, I thought it would be obvious!ā. Nothing is obvious if you donāt know.
Plus keep talking to us as well, of course. Thatās because we know what this journey is like.
I just say Iām ok, I find as time goes on (seventh month now) that I am not inclined to share my emotions as they donāt expect me to, whenever, rarely, the loss of my wife comes into the conversation, lately it seems I become even more emotional, at first I found it difficult to understand when people post about āit gets worseā but I understand now why people say that, personally I donāt think it is worse, its different and I feel a lot more sadness and tearful rather than the raw, uncontrollable, savage emotions that played havoc in the earlier months, then I really had no control over when and who these would surface with, now I am not comfortable with showing my emotions because most expect me to be almost āover itā even my daughter I donāt want to upset and she has been probably the most understanding.
Does anybody else suspect that the current weather and approaching winter months is causing even more havoc with their emotional state? I thought I was beginning to feel there is hope but the last few days I have just felt really miserable and alone.
Grief changes with time, for me I call it āthe long goodbyeā and a realisation of slowly releasing everything that has been held deep inside of us. It becomes more private, treasured and a part of who we are which sometimes we donāt want to share.
I believe grief replicates nature as āin seasonsā we shed layers of ourselves, we reach for hope in spring, sun and some joy in summer, autumn we brace ourselves for the winter where we kind of hibernate which in turn brings isolation. The common thread for me is shedding and letting go, we lose some more of us and yet replenish other parts of us. Life keeps on evolving and moving forwards. Life doesnāt stand still and neither do we. We are pulled along like the current in a river, we either go with it, resist it or drown either way on we go. Time waits for no man
I am so overwhelmed with the replies to this conversation and have got comfort from it. Your husband/partner becomes part of your whole being you are together because of the devoted love between yourselves. Its like being chopped in two when something happens to one of you, and you are left wandering about only half a person. That other half is never to come back and we are left with this massive void, this silence. We never talked about what would happen if one of us was left on our own we were together that long never even thought of the consequences that would occur if suddenly one of us is alone and so very much lost in this dreadful state of grief. The physical effects this has had on my health is quite alarming to me and my mental state at the moment is shot at. This being alone will not change it is something on top of the grief I will have to get used to which I think makes it harder to deal with. It makes me feel insecure. It is not a weakness in yourself its the fact you had a co pilot to help with decisions.
All of this is so true. Youāve put it into words for me Alice. We never expected this to happen. For us it came completely out of the blue, suddenly, with no warning. It is devastating to be torn apart in minutes.
Its so hard. I lost my partner of 32 years in February, he has been my only relationship being together since we were 14. I continue hoping that its been a dream and that I am going to wake up with Darren being there. The other thing is that he used to work away so I plan in my head that he is just at work, he will be back soon. Moving house didnāt help, I thought new house (downsizing) with my son would help but it hasnāt.
Alice 13,
Like yourself I had been with my wife from 17 most of our adult life.
Then this bang and she is gone itās a night mare and when I see people out and the ask how I am I say not good, s*** in fact, but possibly as well as I can expect, I lost my wife of 39 years less than four months ago.
I assume I will fell a lot better 2 years from her death that is what I am told it takes to even feel something like normal ( by other in similar circumstances)
Then hopefully people will no assume fast recovery as this can not happen
I know what you mean. I lost my husband 12th march, but now no one mentions him but me, or asks how im coping without him. Its as if, well, thats over and we move on. But for us, life doesnt move on. I wake up each day and for a moment, i think hes still here. No one has offered bereavement counselling. If it wasnt for my little dog i wouldnt bother getting out of bed. At least people on here understand.
I am so sorry to read this littlewitch but can relate to how you feel. Yes I too think its a dream. Its just so awful that they are not coming back.xx
Steve123
I know how you feel we leave home to be with our one and only and yes its most of our adult life. Our wife/husbands are also our soul mates, best friends they have always been there for us to confide in, shout, argue, and most of all love. No life can never be the same for us and yes I cannot see it getting any easier just yet. I have never experienced grief on such a scale as this and it has taken its toll on my own health. It is hard to go it alone now so understand how you feel. As well as grief I feel quite vulnerable now that I am on my own. All I can say is a day at a time is all that we should manage and even that is dam hard some days. Take care Steve123
Dotclark
I can relate to how you feel I lost John in April and no nobody mentions him like you I do but the people around me still do not ask if I am coping. I have been in such a state that I rang my GP and just stated to cry on the phone they straight away said they had someone at the practice that dealt with bereavement and I am on their watch list as I am not coping very well. I too have my little dog that has more understanding at the moment than most humans. How sad is that. Grief at our level is crucifying. The power of love is also very destructive.
Alice13
I like you feel vulnerable, our sole mates have gone and as we know will never return, even though I have my parents and three children one still at home. All the decisions we made together now just me difficult are they correct who knows more to the point who cares anymore life is s*** and not going to get any better for two years I am told.
I myself may not be here then.
Like you say one day at a time.
I now 4 month on some days feel less distressed than in the early weeks sometimes, the for no apparent reason it all gets too much and the tears flow.
Does any one else out the have who has been on this journey (well nightmare) have any
idea how long it will be untill I have some semblance of normality in my life.
Lydia2,
I like you had my world ripped apart in minutes.
From sitting out in the garden together and helping her out of the chair then bang and she had gone 40 years and gone in seconds we had the cpr, paramedics, police but gone.
I still feel my life ended that day and thatās correct I am alive but that is all life becomes a chore now no pleasure in it any more
@littlewitch i am the same as you in that my husband has been my only love since i was 14. He too worked away a lot which made the initial grief okay to manage but now the reality he isnāt just away with work, is setting in.
Now heās gone Iāve lost him and a massive part of who I am/was for the last 35 yrs. Iām not sure who I am anymore other than a mother . Itās 14 weeks since heās gone , the sadness constant and palpable , as is the loneliness.
I tend to says when asked how I am doing āitās s**t but Iām okā . This was Ms mantra throughout his entire cancer journey. It covers quite a bit of emotion but I do tell people close to me how I really am.
The grief is less raw but now more consuming. I feel almost a desperation in how much I miss him , like a physical ache that just wonāt go away. I want him back more than anything. I feel more than a little overwhelmed by my life since heās gone, no one to chat through my worries or discuss questions I have about anything and everything. I miss my best friend !
Sending loving thoughts to you all on this grief journey. Thanks for all sharing, itās far less lonely having you all 
Hi @Steve123, with you on this, I am now into month 7, I have read pretty much all the relevant posts to our situation and no there is no time scale, I find the distress and anguish are less as you learn to cope but there are days where the sadness is so great it is just a day of tears, there is no telling when these days arrive, I have found that often crap weather days can have an effect - I used to like all weather!
I would not attach too much importance when you are told it will be a year, 2 years or whatever, you can find cases where with some people it is as little as a few months to many years! personally I think our way of being able to handle this awful journey has a major impact, I think you have to make a conscious effort to move forward as and when you can, if not it is easy to get stuck in one place and it becomes even harder, not to move on but to move forward taking your loss with you but able to cope better.
I really only look to the next day, I am āluckyā that I do not have to make decisions on the future, just ride it out and see what comes but the days of tears still visit regularly.
Take care and look after yourself.