Swift,
I agree with you that the length of time you are grieving and seriously messed up depends on how you can respond to what has happened and how your mind will let you move on or not and how positive you feel about the future in my case I am not there yet, and don’t think I will be any where near until a year has passed at least so until then it’s one day at a time
100%. Its not just a day on its own its hour by hour. A friend of mine asked to meet up for breakfast. I got dressed and went. As i am unable to drive due to seizures i asked her if she minded taking me to the range. Of course shes a friend and she took me. I received Darrens tribute montage so we had a coffee in the range and i played it for her, tears were rolling down my cheeks but they were happy tears as it showed how full of life he was, in the centre of everything. On the drive home we were talking about this week coming. Karen mentions that she is going to a local bingo session on Friday so I now have plans for Friday. I will see how it goes if i dont like it i wont have to go again.
I am also starting to think that I’ll give it a year from the date of his funeral. That’ll be mid-March, Springtime, and hopefully I will be in a better place by then.
I have found being bereaved is much like having some terrible disease that everyone is frightened of catching. All my partner’s relations and friends have said that we must get together soon and they’ll keep in touch. With the sole exception of my partner’s son, these have been empty words, well-meant, but little coming from them.
Evening everyone. I think our lives have been turned more than upside down in a stroke. One minute there was the two of us then the next minute its just one. It is just so mind blowing that in an instance you watch or are told your most loved one has died. One cannot believe it and the reality at some point hits home. Never thought I would go through the horrors of this grief even though I knew my husband was very poorly its like you are in denial and you will continue to see them and care for them. It is and I will say it SHOCK, SHOCK, SHOCK when something happens to them and they are no longer here. I managed the funeral but since I thought I was coping till I had to collect his ashes. This has had a detrimental effect on my mental health and I feel even worse from it. Because time has passed before this, people think I am getting over his death far from the truth I am even worse now and have been very disturbed about the finality of collecting his ashes. A whole person into a pile of ash! Some may not like me to say this but it is a reality that to me can fester if not spoken about. Its just another bloody awful thing about death and grief and by this time you are all ready invisible and very much alone when really you need people the most. Grief to me is the most awful part of living a life. Sorry if my post is depressing but it is how I feel at the moment.
I agree, grey days and long evenings are testing.
Walking my dog has kept me sane , green therapy i think it’s referred too.
Not quite the same in bad weather, always makes my glasses steam up and I’m even more blind than normal .
I’ve decided after reading the lovely post here about grief being like nature, to hibernate this winter.
Hanker down and ride what ever comes until spring .
Getting those ‘firsts’ over with .
We, or rather I, are lucky enough to have a pocket handkerchief-sized park. I love it, there are no seats, plenty of squirrels and rarely many people. Lovely bit of greenery near a rather grey town centre.
@_Harry sounds lovely.
Even in the darkest of days I have to walk the dog, not fair to her to be stuck in. Sometimes I cry, chat to M , sometimes I just walk mindlessly.
I’m very fortunate to live in the countryside.
Last week I saw a stag whilst walking in the woods. He was breath taking , he just stopped and watch me watching him (luckily the dog didn’t see him or she’d chase him). It was a beautiful encounter which made my day. Typically made me cry too but happy tears.
Sounds like I would love where you are! I have had a very long love of nature and often get pleasure from the silliest of things. Yesterday I saw a squirrel in a typical begging pose in the park I mentioned and then it did something I have never seen before: it seemed to be doing a sort of jumping dance, which made me laugh. I even spoke to him, saying that I was sorry I had nothing to give him!
Hi. I’m sorry to disappoint you, it’s been 18 months for me now, and I’m still broken. Still alone, vulnerable and only half a person. Read a brilliant quote the other day - “When I lost you, I lost myself”
I am an only child, and I have no children. My mum is now on her final stages of life, and I don’t think I can do this.
Since my darling husband died I have centered my attention around her. Now I am losing her too, day by day she is deteriorating.
I am so alone.
I tried reaching out to a couple of people earlier, but never got a chance to tell them my feelings, as they made it known early in the call that they were rushing off to somewhere else. Which of course is totally normal and understandable.
Why is life so cruel?
I am very sorry you feel so alone and miserable. I too, am an only child and so was my partner, who died July this year.
I think the hard thing with being an only child is you are naturally more isolated. My partner worked hard to chip away at this and would talk to anyone and it was rare for us to go out without bumping into people she knew.
I am the complete opposite, I can be quite uncomfortable in the presence of strangers and acquaintances, although a lot better than I was.
I am sorry your mother is deteriorating in health, as I am sure this makes you very sad.
What I think most of us here have to do is to build a new life for ourselves, which means actually doing those things we think of clichés, such as joining new clubs, taking up hobbies where we meet new people. Perhaps even eventually trying to look for a new partner, although I imagine that will be years off for most of us.
As for talking to friends and acquaintances, I have found mostly that the intentions are good and people make promises to keep in touch, meet up or ring you, which are about as reliable as “the cheque’s in the post”.
Its a difficult balance to strike, without becoming a pain in the neck to our friends, but I try to never forget to contact them as well, inviting them to have a coffee, meet for a chat, go to a concert, take the dogs for a walk etc etc
Some may put me off two or three times, and if they do, I know not to bother with them, I will have lost nothing.
@tykey definitely agree.
A very good friend of mine who has been tremendously supportive , became very quiet. Unusual for her she kept ‘being busy’.
I kept asking and eventually she said she was struggling with health issues and waiting for test results, but she didn’t want to worry me by telling me.
I’d been so consumed with my grief I’d lost sight that my friends may have need, worries problems in their lives too. .
I make much more effort now to ask to meet up, ask how their lives are etc.
Some of course you realise are not worth quite so much effort as you said
It’s the first anniversary of my husband’s death tomorrow. Just had a phone call from our oldest friends. The whole conversation was about their holiday and family. No real question about how I am and no mention of the anniversary tomorrow. Even if they had not remembered the exact date, they must have realised it was about now. The husband even did a eulogy at the funeral. Am I being over sensitive? Lots of love to all of you in our awful time xxx
Very sorry for your loss, An anniversary of a death must be particularly hard to handle.
I think people don’t know how to react to death and just hope we will spontaneously recover. At my partner’s funeral lots of people said they would be in touch, that we must go out sometime, etc. Despite the fact that they were earnest and I think meant what they said, very little has come of it, other than contact from my partner’s son.
As well, I think there is genuine forgetting. I kept forgetting when it was the anniversary of my partner’s father’s death, which I think she found very hurtful, although I never meant it to be.
People don’t know what to say and feel embarrassed that they don’t have some way of turning off our grief.
Anyway, my best wishes to you!
Nala i dont think you are being over sensitive at all. If anything, i think they were insensitive. Even if they didnt remember the exact date, going on about their holiday was kind of like rubbing salt in the wound, knowing you had lost your husband. People just expect us to get over it. Its not until they experience it themselves that they will realise how hard and painful it is. Dont beat yourself up! Xx
I think you are both right, they are nice people and I know they would be shocked to know how I felt. I really do think they assume that because I am a year down the line I am over it. My friend initially compared it to her losing her father. I have lost both parents and a sister but although I grieved for them all, nothing compares to what I am going through after losing somebody I have loved for 55 years xx
I think Nala, the best way to think about it is to imagine we’ve got some terrible disease called sadness that even our friends want to avoid us for. I suppose the thinking is that we should “get over it”, as everyone dies and they are either in a happier place or resting forever.
Narla I know exactly how you feel. My husband we were 50 years together. This grief is not like the ordinary of the loss of a family member. It is hard to explain and if you have not lived through it no one understands the level of grief we suffer when we have lost the love of our life the person that we have spent the majority of out life with. It is crippling and so very very hard to come to terms with. But people think you can get over it . This is far from the truth and I will say it again the loss of your partner/ husband/ wife is the worst living thing that the survivor has to endure and the ones you think you can over it in no time? Think again its the worst and makes the survivor endure all sorts of health issues that without this level of grief would maybe not have to cope with. I myself have all sorts going on now and I am sure a lot of it has been caused by the level of grief. The cost of my love for my husband is well and truly showing up in my health. Its just bloody awful.
Alice,
You are correct the loss of a wife partner etc after 40y like my self is unbearable and may be unrecoverable that I once again have the peace in my life before she passed I have no interest in others apart from as friends so I think life will be bad to the end, at least that’s my current oppinion