That is so sad…very insensitive of them. People have no idea what its like until it happens to them.
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How is everyone this evening? I have had a rubbish day but got through it. Still have this recurring horrid scene in my head of seeing my husband leave me. It replays over and over again day in and day out! I am sure sure others must experience this. Its weird but makes me feel isolated from reality. No one else will have these scenes so I feel I cannot talk to anyone about it. I feel trapped in some sort of awful place that yes is a living nightmare. Does anyone else feel like this?
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I do feel something similar, i have to go on the same road that Darren had a crash on bith to and from work. He didnt die there so i havent got that attachment. He went down a ditch of brambles and was there for a few hours as the fire brigade had to cut him free. I keep envisaging him climb out of the ditch and it is becoming more frequent. I dont know what to do as its upsetting today i had to lock myself in my office as i was crying
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Yes Littlewitch I can relate to how you feel. Do you feel that something else needs to come out in grief that is not happening or helping to accept the reality of what has happened. Someone today asked me what led up to matters with my husbands death. It took me back to the awful times of fighting for his health and I was a dithering wreck and had to take more medication to deal with it. Its tragic we are left with the aftermath the hurt, the pain, the loss, the grief, and now the reoccurring aftermath nightmares of it all. It will be a long time before I can recover if at all. Too much love and too much damage how do we recover I do not know. I don’t think we do but know I must at some point learn to live with what has happened. Its still all very raw. At least we have a place to talk to each other which I have to say is a great comfort and support to me so we must keep on talking. I am not good talking face to face so this place has helped me a lot. I hope you are ok this evening and take care. xx
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Thank you for your kind words. I dont know what we are to feel all i know is the pain it hurts soo much i never thought that a heart could really be broken but now i feel that ache and pain that doesnt go away
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Alice/littlewihtch,
I understand I was with my wife when she fell and died I keep thinking of that second and those imediatly after I did all I could but evry day more than once I think could I have done more I come to the same conclusion no I could not. But still the same the next and the next days it’s a nightmare .
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S died in the street on a cold February morning. He went to collect something from someone’s driveway, opened the back of his van and dropped dead. He was there alone for a few minutes before the woman found him. I still wonder whether he had climbed into his van first, and fell out, or if he just opened the doors and hit the ground. The back of his head had bled. I just pray that he didn’t suffer or realise that he was about to die.
I could have gone with him but I stayed at home.
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Yes Steve I know exactly what you mean its like a recurring nightmare that goes over and and over again in a loop it never stops. I hope some day it will and I can be granted some sort of peace.
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SadGirlfriend I feel for you. Its reliving these awful facts of our loved ones deaths that to me is the worst. No one realizes that we re- live them on a daily basis and question them. It is another hidden fact of the agony we suffer in grief that others innocently do not think about until it happens to them. xx
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Darren died on the way back from pricing a job. I work in a school the accident happened on the monday the first day of my half term. He would have been picking me up on his way through. With the state of the passenger side anyone travelling with him would have been completely crushed. The damage it done whilst only doing 40 mph is crazy.
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I keep telling myself forget about the if only this and that. she would still be her.
But reality has to kick in and she is not , and gone from this world for ever but I still have to think that we will meet again someday in some world it’s the only thing that keeps me going.
Life is so so had and cruel
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I was a nurse for many years until i retired last year. My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer - i knew he wouldnt make it, its nearly always found too late. I nursed him through chemotherapy , but then the ducts in the liver blocked and he was admitted to hospital - it had spread. As a nurse, i know people go through “stages of grieving” but its so different when youre in the midst of it. Prior to his diagnosis, i had had a heart attack, stent fitted, then a triple heart bypass. A month after he died my 17yr old little dog died too. I just dont know how much more i can take and what is the point? Im so lonely and every day feels like groundhog day!
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@alice13 I have a similar problem, in that I often think of the time when my partner was dead in the hospice and we were allowed to sit with her, with no time limit on how long we were there, apart from the end of the day. I found this quite disturbing and I feel they should do research to see how people feel afterwards, how long they were with their loved one. I would rather have memories of her singing or laughing while she was ill in the hospice, and better still much older memories of just being happy together. There’s a bit of me now which would like to be living permanently on repeat in a happy time with her, rather than now.
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I think we are trying to process and assimilate what has happened when we keep on going over it in our heads. Its so surreal that someone who has been part of us for many years is suddenly not here anymore.
I’ve just had 2 very weepy days, still trying to come to terms with the sudden death of my husband 21 weeks ago. (we met 50 years ago, married over 45 years.) I look at his photo’s and keep saying ‘how can you not be here anymore?’
He was fit, strong, healthy, never had a day in hospital, active, involved in many things. He had so much more living to do, more fun to have. I feel we have been robbed but at the same time I must be thankful for all the time we have had. There are many who have been taken at much younger ages. Whatever the circumstances this journey of grief when we lose our life partners is so so difficult and not helped by the way that people seem to think we can recover and be back to normal in a few weeks.
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@Lydia2 Absolutely agree. It seems an unbelievable loss, like someone at the top of their fitness suddenly being paralysed and told in the future they will be totally bed bound. To me, to use another inadequate simile, it feels like life is a play that has ended with the death of my partner being watched by a curious and unbelieving audience, the only actor left.
As for people’s reactions, I think there are two main ways people deal with our loss: either, as you said, they expect us to get over it far more quickly than is reasonable to us, or they think of themselves as amateur therapists, trying to give unwanted advice on what we should be feeling or how we can “get better”.
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My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly sitting next to me in the car.
He hadn’t complained of being ill, he had been fine.
We had sat in the sunshine chatting.
He spoke to me and within seconds ……. that was it.
Just an ordinary day , or so I had thought.
We had been together nearly 50 years.
It has been 31 weeks and people have drifted away.
I talk about him and mention his name but very few talk about him to me.
If they do, it is because I have mentioned him.
I am aware that people think I should be on the way to ‘coming to terms with it’, ‘starting to make friends’ ‘making a new life’ and all the other expectations people have. It is not even I week for each year we were together!
I think people behave as above for a few reasons.
They have not experienced losing their partner or husband.
We are a reminder of what will happen to them one day.
They have their normal lives, as we did before.
They want to cling to it and not think about the future.
They don’t know what to say but feel they must say something, so avoid us.
Many people can’t deal with silence.
I miss him every single day. I cannot think of a day I haven’t cried.
Perhaps there has been one or possibly two but mind doesn’t work as it should now.
I am glad I found this site where people understand.
There are so many kind and caring people on here who reach out when they are
in such pain.
Sending very big hugs to you.
Love,
Rose xx
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Hi rose
It’s so hard isn’t it when others can’t manage our sadness and grief, as it just compounds our feelings of loneliness and isolation.
I am kind of ok with my life being really tough at the moment - it breaks my heart to see my kids so sad but I am trying my best to be there for them and help them to understand that we need to go through the pain, no matter how awful it is.
But I want people to accept where we are in life at the moment - we are functioning but it is a struggle and we are so very sad a lot of the time.
But people just want to make us happy/better/ over it…. Well you know how it is.
I find that so upsetting, as what would our love mean if we were all happy and joyful after 6 months.
I try to explain this to people now, but very few want to really listen and probably think I’m just not doing this right.
But we all know how it really is on here, and that helps somewhat.
I try to remember that I was ignorant before as well, so not be too hard on folks, but I tend to prefer hanging out with other widows/ widowers now. Not that I know many my age which can be a challenge.
Just a day at a time for us all.
I hope you have as good a day as you can
Sending a truck full of love and strength for you xx♥️
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I just said to someone close to me that I feel my life is over and there is nothing to look forward to. She pointed out that I have lots of friends, I’m always going out, no money worries, etc.
I don’t want to be with lots of friends. I just want Steve.
Nobody gets it apart from you all here. It is worrying that we are a tiny proportion of the bereaved, and I wonder what the others do for support.
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Perhaps they, or some of them are lucky enough to have friends and relatives who let them talk as much as they need to. I suspect that many, maybe most suffer in silence, pretending to be ok.
Me too, I would swap many things to have my partner back in good health
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Very well put, Rose, I think all you have said is right! Sadly those who have not experienced the devastating loss of a close loved one think we should get over it and it’s a smooth process.
Also it’s looking into the abyss - one day they or their partner will die and they don’t want to think about it.
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