Feeling isolated with grief of my mum

It’s coming up to 1 year of the passing of my mum, I feel as though I’m slipping into the way I was when mum first passed, their hasn’t been a day since she passed I haven’t thought of her, I could never put the full tears emotion down on paper as it has been a complete mixture, all I do know is it still really really hurts, I’m finding the intrusive thoughts are coming back such as picturing mum actually dying, I’m soo weepy, I felt last year I almost went into survival mode at Christmas time I was like a robot, but this year Iv obviously had more time to process it and I’m just soo emotional, everyone around me is complaining that we are going back into lockdown and shops are closing and truth is I just don’t care, as long as my 2 little boys have their presents I really don’t care about anything else, I think I begin to feel really isolated when this happens, I’m usually the life and soul of parties ect but I sometimes feel even my closest friends only ever want to see that side of me? Whenever I start to open up I feel soo dismissed and told how strong I am when all I want is just someone to understand how much I’m hurting! I probably sound really moany, it’s just a horrible time x

Your not moany Trisha. You are grieving. I can fully understand everything you have said. And it’s very normal in terms of grief. My mum died August 26th 2019. I still
Cannot comprehend it. I still Think of mum about 70% of the day every day. I still go over her dying moments. I have moments of intense guilt that we didn’t see her signs of cancer. Angry that the drs mis diagnosed her time and time again. It’s a loop that replays in my head. I used to be life and soul. Now I rarely go out and I have welcomed lockdown. When I do go out. I feel numb to most enjoyment. But I do know that after the anniversary I did turn a little corner. A friend who lost her mum told me it took her 2 years to feel her head come above the water. In some respects yes I’m better than I was a year ago. But I’m also still not fully accepting of my mums death.

You will find lots of people on here who lost their mum or dad feel the same.

I don’t talk to my friends about mum anymore either no one else understands

Trish, I lost my Mum a little over 13 months ago. I’m still grieving heavily. I stay away from people and hibernate a great deal. Of course, the pandemic has given me also an excuse to keep to myself.
A friend from my youth told me that she still felt raw after the loss of her Mum at the four year stage. I’m in my early 50’s, but if I’d been younger I probably burnt myself out if I’d tried to party whilst grieving.
Take care

Thanku Jooles, I feel like I’m like Mrs Claus for the kids then the Grinch with friends ect, I bumped into my friends mum yesterday in a shopping mall who was telling me how she was down getting my friend her last minute bits and bobs, pyjamas ect and I just burst out crying, I just know that would be my mum, I think I break my own heart as I sometimes imagine how hurt mum would be knowing how hurt I am. It’s given me a little hope you saying you turned a corner almost? I thought I was beginning to feel better too, even though I thought and replayed last year everyday I could function and deal with life that little bit better, I wasn’t soo angry, now I feel the anger coming back. I wish I could take me and the kids and just move to a desssert island with some sun lol x

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Yes I put all my energy into the children now. I find i get very irritated with friends. And I’ve bitten their heads off a few times. Which is unlike me. Ill be suprised if I have any friends left. But I don’t care at this moment in time.

My next door neighbour has just had a baby. I asked her how she was coping and she said “oh my mums here every day helping”. I went inside and cried as that was my mum after I had the children.

It’s the little things that tip you over. Just keep chatting on here Trish. We all understand.

Ps. Yes I’m definitely better than I was but I think Xmas is setting me back a bit.

I can completely understand that Jooles my mum was same with kids too, we were at hers everyday she was like a 2nd mum to them, it rolls off my friends tongues that the kids are with their mums and it’s like a dagger going through my heart, but I think with Christmas and my mums anniversary approaching it’s definitely knocking me. I think il be spending bit more time on the group x

We will get there Trisb. I don’t know how but somehow we will. Although I also don’t want to feel better as that makes feel guilty

My friends referring to their mums is like a knife in the heart I agree

@Trish85 I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I think Christmas will forever be a difficult one, especially when it sounds like your mum loved it and loved to prepare for it. She sounds just like how my mum was. I’m in autopilot at the moment trying to get gifts for everyone and missing my mum so much because we did a lot of this together. I can’t even contemplate how anyone gets through the actual day.
A friend of mine who lost her Dad 4 years ago said you never get over it, but you learn to deal with the hurt that permanently lives in your heart. She actually depressed me more if that’s possible (lol ) by saying the pain is a raw as ever if she tapped into it, she’s just learned to keep that more buried.
I do love that we have this safe space, sometimes just typing out out thoughts and feelings helps just a tiny bit.

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Hi trish85
I can only tell you how I experienced it but in the run up to my mums 1st anniversary in June, I was a complete mess.
Then the day came and it was ok. Not great but ok.
It was the build up to the anniversary and the ‘date’ that was the worst.
Dont get me wrong. I cry every day for my mum and miss her more than anything but I’ve learnt that anniversaries are just the same as every other day.
I’ve got my mums birthday next week. I’m not looking forward to it but I’m not dreading it like I was last year.
Cheryl x

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I can relate to you so much.
Lost my mum 3 months ago. When I see friends , talk always comes back to their mums, even just 1 comment, and I’m ruined (I never let them see this though) my neighbours mum is always over there as they have a young baby. I have a 3 year old my mum doted. She was always here helping me and having my daughter when I went back to work. On my day off work (I went back 4 days a week) she would come over and we would grab coffee, go shopping. Etc and now thats all ended.
My anger is through the roof. I resent everyone with their parents (iv lost both my parents) I resent people moaning about 2020 when all they have had to deal with is a few weeks at home and a cancelled holiday. I also get the intrusive thoughts, especially late at night.

So , no advice, but just to say I can relate xx

Just wanted to let you know I feel the same as you. Resentful when I see people who still have both parents as lots of my friends do. Anger that I lost both parents before they got 'old’s
My mum adored my daughter and she moved in with me to do my childcare. My daughter misses her nan and the life they had together and I’m angry that we didnt get what I feel we should have done in life x

Soo sorry ur going through this too, that sounds exactly like me and mum, mum was my everyday, and even when we were with each other day it would be phone calls at nyt to catch up on what we’d missed in last few hours, not having that just breaks my heart, whatever trivial thoughts I ever had once I spoke to mum it was a problem shared, she was more than just a gran to my kids and it broke her heart as well as mine knowing she was dying basically, my friends are thoughtful they will appear with flowers little gifts and I sound soo ungrateful but they could then start talking about what a hard week theyv had? And I think hard week? I think I don’t feel understood and not many people actually take the time out just to truly listen and that’s when isolation begins as I withdraw to almost save myself from feeling hurt with just everyday conversation.

Its nice i can relate to you both, although not nice in the sense that we shouldn’t be on this forum as this should not have happened.
I had someone reach out to me about grief how they felt etc etc but, I know this is mean, it was for their 80+ grandad and I know you shouldn’t compare grief etc but I was like are you kidding me, iv lost both sets grandparents and both parents, I know grief but this is grief like no other, and the conversation left me feeling angrier even though they meant well, especially when my mum was no where near that age.

And that’s why its great having this site to speak to people who are going through the same.
I’ve avoided friends for 17 months since my mum died and lockdown has been welcome to me so I dont have to turn down social events.

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How are you both doing?
I’m really struggling with night time, when my mind goes into overdrive.

Hi Catrinka I remember at the beginning for me evenings were the worst, even though my mind was 24/7 on mum and what had happened I think daytime is a time where you are practically doing more, I used to find if I’d done too much or even been around too many ppl I just had to take myself to my bedroom to sit sometimes to cry sometimes just to sit and stare at the walls and just hurt, Iv still been awful weepy this week it’s mums anniversary next week and Im soo trying not to but just find myself replaying everything, I’m just soo hurt I’m soo hurt she’s not here to just listen and console me, I also hate hate the fact it’s coming up to 1year, I don’t even like saying that as truth is I’m still just as hurt as what I was last year, it’s just horrible x

Trish I still have those nights. Quite often I go up to bed at 9 and just either cry or go to sleep, As I feel so drained and sad. I feel so bad on my family who are all sitting watching tv. but my mind just gives up in the evening. And I need to be alone.

I’m definitely struggling with Xmas coming up. My dad might not be visiting so he will be alone. He has lung disease and he’s very worried about mixing with people. He’s been pretty much self isolating the last year.

The build up to the anniversary is worse than the actual day. On the actual day we scattered the rest of mums ashes then went out for the day with the children and I kept myself really busy. It’s what mum would have wanted. My children happy.

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I’m finding nights really hard. I seem to fall apart every evening about 9pm and I’m a mess by bedtime. I find myself talking to my mums photo and telling her everything that’s happened and all my worries and sorrow. I don’t know if this is making me more of a mess :sweat_smile: Sometimes I manage to sleep, but last night I was still lying awake at 2am. At the moment I can sleep longer as I’m not back at work yet, but I return next week and dread how sleep deprived I’ll be.
It’s so hard when the one person I want to console me and would help me through something like this isn’t here to help. Does it ever really sink in that they are gone?!

Lynn I’ll be honest it’s been 15 months for me. And I still can’t believe mum has gone. It still shocks me. I still say “mum and dad” by accident. Instead of just “dad”. Even today I went to phone her to ask her something. I wonder aswell when will it sink in.

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