My partner of over 50 years died after a hard battle against stage 4 colon cancer. All treatment during covid, often could not see him during treatment and consultations. First year after he died was just about surviving, keeping my head above water. 2nd year reality kicks in. It seems less emotional but harder. Ithought we had brought a close caring family, I know my husband and partner always supported our older relatives in many ways. I am independent, live by myself and do join many groups and have some very good friends. However, [ the big however] 2 of ourchildren have been quite unsupportive emotionally and physically, All I would like is a phone call to ask how I am, I almost never ask for help [ie for stuff like climbing ladders etc] because I know it will be a no or some intake of breadth and then an excuse. Its aself protective instinct because I know if I ask it will be no, so I don’t ask anyway so as not to be disappointed. One of our children has a very high powered job, and i just hope she does not speak to her staff the way she speaks to me. I know have always been supportive to them in everything. Another child lives abroad and now only taken to calling when want something. Even though I keep regular contact, with all the family. I find it hurtful. I was not brought up like that and although not so supportive to my lovely mother who died when I was 15 [ age and lack of adult advice and support from any one took a part in that, thank god there is more support for bereaved teenagers now]] . I took active part in caring for my mother in in law, elderly aunt, Dad to name a few. Not because I had to but because I wanted to, As my son says its what you do ’ look after your parents’ except as I have found when it comes to the crunch it does not always happen, Sorry for ranting on. I am just very hurt right now,
Join the club, I have not spoken to a soul all day, people hug you and ask if there’s any thing they can do for you then after the funeral poof they’re gone, you find out who your true friends are.
I know how you both are feeling.
I have a daughter and son in law just over 40 miles away who have not contacted me for 10 days after funeral. Finally sent text to say i was well and still alive as i had not heard from them.
My daughter did get back and said she was too busy with her life work and children and would text me when she could. It hurts though my husband would have been upset if he knew how she was treating me.
We both did everything for her including helping put financially. My other younger daughter us in Australia and she came for 2 weeks to help and look after me after funeral but has now gone back home but she phones me every couple of days to see how i am coping. Thank goodness for friends who are also phoning to see how i am ever couple of days. Trying to keep busy during the day it is the nights that take there toll. Still only 7 weeks since he passed and the pain still hits me so i go with the crying hoping it gets better soon.
Take care everone look after yourself be kind x
I don’t have adult children to rely on l lost my daughter at the age of 22. My son is severely autistic.
But I do have 2 sisters and one brother, they too came to my daughter and husband funeral. All of them said we are here for you and l have not seen them since.
We where brought up to look after each other but it only happens if they want something. Xx
It is so hard trying to deal with things on your own even although there are family members who could help. I am now realising that if i need things done i do myself or pay someone to do it gor me if I cant. My husband would be upset thinking i was dealing with things on my own.
I think i need to set up some kind of help group for people who find themself in this situation and need practical help.
Take care x
Wow ! Tell me about it ! Sounds like my kids ! They been so unsupportive … but coming around a bit now ! ( taken months though !) Its their damn generation ! Sorry to say it but theyre selfish you know ! Its all me, me , me !! It wasnt like that years ago when we were growing up ! In fact being selfish was seen as a very offensive thing to be ! But i believe it is now positively encouraged !!! jeez what a life and without our darling husbands too so hard … xx
HI Debs. Right about the younger generation. I used to have this same discussion with by best friend years ago, and said they seem to be self intitled and phone when their conscious pricks them or they want e to do some thing. I am resigned to it, but I am still hurt by it
Plus its good to know I am not by myself with this feeling.
Yeh i agree and especially at a time like this. When we just become widows … It hurts doesnt it ? Xx
I was tod this directly. Pay for someone to do the job. Yes I have a few savings, but need to downsize to get some back up money to be able to pay for the jobs, I was very hurt
God damn wonderful grown up kids ! I could whack mine tbh. Just look after yourself . Im not speaking to mine tbh … they have been horrible since their dads funeral 6 months ago !! In fact my neighbours have looked after me more than they have
Sorry people just fo not think before they speak. I am in the same boat pay someone do do the jobs my husband did when he was here or learn myself how to do it.
Sorry not really fit enough had cancer 2 tears ago and still on my 10 year moitoriing plan. Hopefully i am on the recovery plan and dont require any further treatment i the future if i do then Im on my own.
Lufe is so unfair my husband would be upset and furious if he knew how i was being left to de with everything.
We have to somehow get through these times no matter how difficult take care x
Its just disgusting isnt it ! Why dont you just turn round and say … get off your backside and help me ! I am disgusted with this generation ! Its a disgrace !!!
My husbands family other than his mother and sister have not spoken to me since he died 10 weeks ago,all because the funeral was about him and the vicar hardly mentioned them,i also got blamed for putting their flowers outside and not inside with mine,I tried to explain i had no control but they just blocked me on social media.I feel not only have i lost my soulmate but his family too which breaks my heart.
Oh for goodness sakes arent people pathetic ! So full of their own pride !as if it matters ! Bit ive had same thing ! People blocking me ! I find it all so terribly cruel at a time like this xxx
Look after yourselves an
Sorry forgot to finish message.
Please look after yourselves as you are inportant and need to remember that.
Somrtimes family do not understand the grief of a loved person and i would not wish the pain we suffer onto others
I just try to get through the days although on the inside the pain is ripping me apart to put my pain onto others would upset me more. Family are all i have left and perhaps in time the will understsnd until then we need to do this journey alone with the support from others on this website who are facing the same situation.
Being lonely is not good and i hate it especially at nights and weekends during the week i can occupy myself with reading going for a walk and although not a garden person i can appreciate the garden my husband did for me although it involves a good cry. Please keep in touch with each other and look after yourselves xx
I’m finding the same. Two sons. One lives 250 miles away but it didn’t stop us going to
Help them when they needed it. I get 2 visits a year if I’m lucky.
The other one lives locally. If I don’t text him I don’t have any contact from him unless he wants me to go to feed the pet rabbits if they’re away.
2 sisters in law. One would not accept it when I was trying to tell her he wouldn’t get better so it came as a shock when he died. SHE ended up in hospital and didn’t get to his funeral.she rang me once a week for about a month and then that stopped The other one carrying on crying and sobbing everywhere. Only heard from her once since. It’s 18 months ago.
Yet I have to go on day after day crying inside. I will never get over this. We loved each other for 60 years. I just feel in limbo. I’m having counselling and it does help but it’s not there all the time. If only family would just ask are you ok today
Yeh i agree @lostmylove how hard is it to ask how somebody is ? I give up on the human race !! X
Hi @Dyane My situation is exactly the same as yours. My husband wanted a simple service and I made it all about him and his life for the 30 years we had been married. His two daughters threw a wobbly at the crem and stormed off and I have never heard from them since and that was 4 years ago. They didn’t like it that people were coming over to me when we was outside and I think they considered themselves more importan than me. Like you I tried to explain that the service was out of my hands really and lets face it our heads are all over the place. I can hardly remember what happened that day.
We had a small gathering of close family and friends when scattering his ashes but his daughters didn’t appear. I tried to make contact on many occasions but given up now and to be honest I couldn’t care less about them anymore but it was distressing in those first months. Fortunately I don’t use social media. Do your best to get on with your life and forget these people.