Hi.
I’m having a particularly bad day today and starting to get angry which is something I’ve not really felt much before.
But angry at friends and family - not my LH.
I’m finding the reality of other people getting on and enjoying their lives really difficult to manage, and have people wanting to meet me for lunch , drinks etc or sending me photos of them having a good time on holidays etc.
Whilst I think they mean well it just makes me feel so bad and only highlights my feeling that my life is over now.
Also annoyed at how they disappeared in the early days but now they think I’ll be better and they can swoop in and do their good turn even though it’s only 2 months.
I don’t want to become bitter but just want to go and hide from everyone.
Anyone else feel this way ?
Understand the bad day!
As for anger, yes when the anger starts, it can be scary.
I didn’t realise I could be so angry.
There are so many emotions to grief.
I have also had friends and family just talking to me about their everyday lives.
I have thought ‘Really? Do you think I’m interested? Do you think I care?’
It’s not that I am a selfish person or self centred. It is that I have recently lost my husband and I am grieving.
I have wondered why they do it. With one couple, I think they do it to mask their fear that it will happen to them one day. I get that. It is to distract them.
Others don’t know what to say.
Others probably think it will help to distract us from our pain.
What is the opposite to your experience is that people were here for me in the early days. Now the funeral has happened they have drifted away.
I don’t know if that helps. I just want you to know that you are not alone feeling this way.
Big hug,
Rose x
Roni i feel this way quite a lot of the time. I feel like why me and god help me i even not sure if i would trade my kids for jimi. Which is awful because we love our children grandkids and great grandkids.in reality i wouldn’t trade anyone but me. Sometimes i feel i deserve to feel this pain just for having those thoughts. Its because of the negligence he suffered in the hospital his las 5days, i am still raging. He was such a lovely man. I can’t even imagine how he must have felt. No one should be treated like that ,so some days i wake angry with anyone and everyone . I really need to focus on the people whose fault it was and not the non intended. We must all feel like this and something that i am not proud of or can control at the moment. So don’t rip urself up over it
Shirl
Thanks for your replies Shirl and Rose
It does really help knowing there are people who really get it.
Some of my friends are so good but they just don’t understand. My father in law understands but I don’t want to burden him as he has lost his wife and 2 sons in the last 3 years. His burden is greater than mine.
And my mum also understands but is too wrapped up in herself she can’t give much support. “I miss him too” is what she said last week to me, but she wouldn’t come visit when he was ill even though I asked her to.
So many emotions all over the place - and so all consuming - I just can’t get going today at all but yesterday managed to be quite productive and took all the kids to the cinema in the evening.
I think sometimes if I have an ok day the next one is awful. Doing the everyday stuff just reminds me that it is just me now and that my husband will never share any of these things again.
Sorry I’m rambling now - you guys take care and be kind to yourselves
Sending hugs too x
Please don’t apologise. We all need to let our feelings out. Xx
We really do - I try to keep mine contained as my kids hate seeing me so sad, but it is exhausting to try keep holding it together. Xx
I understand that.
I have had 2 horrendous days and told that online to friends and family.
Then I felt dreadful for doing that so on the second night I followed my message with another one apologising for sharing my misery.
This is another reason that this site is so good. Xxx
Yes I remember feeling angry that all my friends could just return to their normal lives and that i never could. Still feel so sad, now 5 months on from my husband’s sudden death, that our plans for sharing our next 20 years together have just disappeared. How do i plan for the future without him by my side. Feeling lost, empty and anxious. Trying to be strong and imagining that i can do it, but it is so very difficult.
Dear @roni52
Oh my goodness you sent me back to my early days of grieving. And I mean days…less than a week…
When m Mum said those words to me,
To be exact my mum said
“Well it would be nice if you actually thought about me for a change because I miss him too”
I couldn’t respond. I’ve done a lot of that ever since. It’s easy not to react at all, especially when it’s close family, well to be exact parents.
Love , hugs and strength to you
Dear @Shirl55
I relate to your post so much , but from the other way round.
Both my parents, both 82, are still alive , and still happily together, going to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary in August. Going on holiday after holiday, still planning things, still enjoying life.
And so I think , why me, it’s not fair, they’ve still got each other, I’m their daughter, and I’m the widow (god how I hate that word!!).
Not fair. And it makes me really, really angry when my Mum moans to me about my Dad. And moans about what she has to do for him, as he gets older!!
I looked after my husband for 6 years after bladder cancer in 2015, complete respiratory failure in 2016 resulting in a month in an induced coma in ICU.
And then multiple hospital admissions where he was very poorly indeed.
I never minded doing anything for him. It was a pleasure and a privilege.
God I miss him so much .
Sorry, thanks everyone for the opportunity to let a bit of my anger spill out
It is not fair.
My husband was a lovely man, a kind man.
When I am crying, I tell him that it was not fair. That he deserved to live longer.
Sending big hugs,
Rose x
I went some friends’ wedding today, a small gathering with lunch afterwards. It was a lovely day.
Home now and all I’m thinking is that it could have been me and Steve. Why did we meet too late in our lives, why did we only have 13 months of intense love, why did he have to leave me on.y own? I’m so tired of keeping going but I know I have to, but why do I? I can’t get my head round what this is all about. And now I can’t stop crying.
Thanks for letting me rant.
So very sorry.
The downs and the whys, they are devastating.
Sending a very big hug.
Rose xx
.
Thank you, Rose x
Dear @SadGirlfriend
I think you were very brave to go to a wedding. I really admire you.
Keeping going… Yes I identify with that,
That’s all I do , every day, just keep going, but it just makes me so completely exhausted ALL the time.
Everything seems to be such an effort.
To everyone the anger and the rage scare me even our son and daughter dont understand i am grieving not only that he died but his last days he was degraded in hospital. I kept telling them about the chest pain but too busy to help him. Not too busy to hang his emergency cord so far up the bed he couldnt reach it.
I M usually a peaceful calm peson .but this has changed me so much. My friend’s and family tell me to let it go but i dont know how yo get rid of rage the way his last few days where and the normal grief from losing your soulmate. I feell like my head is going to explode. I can’t take much more its destroying me and no one understands shirl
I understand that… I have a tendency to answer honestly when anyone asks how I am… of course many people just want you to say you’re okay even though you’re not so I end up apologising for not feeling okay.
I had a better day today after three bad ones but still have that horrible dull ache in the pit of my stomach. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Oh yes understand you so well. People are truly awful how they treat us widows ! Im 17 months into this and i still get so angry the way we are somehow treated like bloody second class citizens by some people ! I find family the worst ! They think they can say or treat you how the hell they want because they know my husband isnt here and he would have something to say ! More like give em a thick ear if he has been here ! Huh ! Its all about respect really isnt it :(.
Just ignore your friends and.tell them to stop gloating ! So tactless isnt.it !! X
The things you mention, I feel too. Attempting to put on a ‘brave’ face but inside I am screaming out for my hubby and the ‘injustice’ of it all. I find it increasingly difficult to meet up with friends as I think they are only interested in the social side of things - I don’t think I have a future only trying to get through each day and night … Take care xx