Here we are at the start of another day. It is so difficult to get motivated. I did not sleep well and then even getting up and getting dressed is such an effort. Everything seems pointless and the days are such a challenge to get through them. When I look back to all those years where I couldn’t wait fir each day with plans and fun.
It’s happened in such a whirlwind snd I think I am still suffering from shock.
How could all this have happened to go from a perfect life to a broken one. Unbelievable tragedy.
Days are strange now aren’t they? You wake up (if you have managed to sleep) and realise that there are no plans, nothing to look forward to. I find myself waking up abs then waiting for bedtime again. Everything is a series of hours. By XYZ I have to do… then I have to… then it’s bedtime. Another day done.
Shocking how suddenly my life has become something to do instead of enjoy.
I used to love lie ins with Stephen, he was never a big sleeper so he used to read and I would burrow into him and just doze… we used to have this expression that was ‘the smell of someone you love releases endorphins’ I used to burrow in and sniff him all over and it made him giggle. Then I would doze and just listen to his heartbeat and the sound of pages turning.
Now I lay in our bed and stare at the ceiling.
Been 4 months today since Andy passed
My youngest son goes back to uni today
I will like a lot off us be on my own
It such a sad lonely life
Miss Andy every second off the day
Struggling so much with everything
Take care xx
I love your expression.
We used to say something similar, “nothing is nicer than the body of the one you love simmered under a duvet for eight hours”
It’s not the same when it is a big empty bed
1954 I totally understand your memories and your feelings with your loss I too have those exact memories and feelings too.
No one understands the pain and the hurt until they experience it for themselves and I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.
As difficult as it is I try my best to stay positive ( doesn’t happen for long) because any amount of negativity or positivity will ever bring my Rob back. But I do my best to try to make him proud . I have to be honest though I do hide a lot from the kids about how I’m feeling ,Iv had some VERY dark days and just wanted to end it all.
Then I felt selfish for feeling like this as it’s what I wanted and the kids wouldn’t want that they are like me still grieving it’s been 7 months now .
Kind regards take care all who read this x x x
If it wouldn’t scar my kids for life then I would absolutely do it.
I have nothing to live for other than getting my kids through life.
It all just seems pointless. I’m not depressed. I’m realistic. I’m 38 and I don’t ever want another relationship, I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life sitting in my house watching the world pass by. What’s the point in it at all?
So I will do what I have to do to get through to the kids being grown up.
It’s ironic really I’ve always been scared of cancer etc and now I keep thinking that, that would stop the kids hating me if I got it. They wouldn’t have to know that I wanted to go.
Hi Lost 82. I cried when I read how you used to lie and sniff at your husband. I used to look at Ron and watch him breathing and I loved seeing his brown body lying next to mine. It is so hard to describe what it felt like but just that my whole world was in his presence and everything else fitted into my world only because he was there. When he died I just looked at him in the hospice and I was willing him to breath. Suddenly the whole world became massive to me and it still is. I have been decorating a wall in my bedroom for weeks and I put it off every day.I just can’t see the point anymore. I can’t see the world anymore without Ron
Hi my Rob was a big chap he was built like a rugby player ( he never played rugby) he was over 6ft and broad shoulders and he made me fell so safe wherever we went and whatever we did , now I feel vulnerable along with all the other feelings and emotions that come with grieving.
That is such a beautiful description of your love. You are so lucky to have loved and been so loved, what wonderful cherished memories. They are all yours xx
My husband was over 6ft and used to look down on me as I am only just over 5ft. I was happy to go anywhere with him - just knowing he would be there to ‘catch me if I fell’. I too feel vulnerable and sometimes afraid.
when I spoke about holiday adventures my single friend used to say, yes its OK for you you have a big guy to be with you, look after you. I felt she was doing women a great disservice as if they are not able to do things without a man by their side. I know now, in my case she was 100% right. I felt safe cos he made me feel safe, he would have given his life for me, as I would for him. Forget holidays, shopping is even too much of a challenge for me without my half of me.
My Paul wasn’t big in stature, but would seamlessly sort things out. Holidays abroad, he chose the best places, would muddle through with the language as I sat shyly mute. I felt so safe in his hands.
He introduced me to a new way of life, good food, wine, and taught me to to enjoy all that was good in life. It feels like I would be ‘disloyal’ if I did this now without him.
He will always be there in my cherished memories, but the thought of a holiday now, I couldn’t even imagine.
I know what you mean. I walk into a shop - shopping list in hand because I remember nothing now - and still walk out with very few items I intended to buy. Usually return to car and have a good cry.
Hi all, I can echo all your comments, I feel so vulnerable and lost without Mark. We booked a holiday last year but postponed it because he was shielding. We are due to go in July but I am absolutely dreading it, my sons still want to go and everyone tells me it will do me good, but the thought of going without him is just awful. We booked a cottage in Cornwall, Mark’s favorite place, we have been every year for the last 10 years or so, and the cottage has ramps and access for wheelchair, which we don’t need now. I don’t care about the money, I would just cancel, but the lads want to scatter some of Mark’s ashes down there, which is what he had asked us to do, not sure if it’s that is why I am so reluctant. I just wish we had gone last year.
My husband had his 60th during first lockdown and we had holiday booked for Poland but cancelled. Hotels and flights were always arranged by my husband. I cannot even begin to think about holidays although I have booked a cottage in July for me and family so that we can scatter my husband’s ashes at a beach we used to visit as a family over the years. Sometimes though have panic attacks - I just cannot believe that I am even having to consider doing this. I will be scattered there with him but do not want to hold onto his ashes which are currently in the wardrobe. Seven months on still shout, scream and weep.
Sending lots of strength to you all
I’ve listed below a few services who are always just a call or text away anytime you’d like some additional support outside of the community
- The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s on your mind. You can call them on 116 123 or email email@example.com.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- Stay Alive App - is an app that offers useful information to help you stay safe. It’s available on Android, Apple and Desktop. -
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.
Keep posting here whenever you need to, we’re here for you too.
Everything is so difficult on your own . It literally feels like half of you is missing I. It is so lonely isn’t it ? I have two grown up daughters and I feel so lonely when they are with their partners and my Gareth is not there for me.
We have lost out best friends, someone who was always in our corner and the house is so empty without him.
I have realised that it doesn’t matter what kind of house you live in as I could live in a tent with Gareth and nd happy and desperate living in a mansion.
Same with holidays it could be a walk in a park with Gareth over a fancy hotel somewhere.
I had everything and now it’s gone.
I write to o him every day though and it gives me comfort to connect with him like this
I’ve been off for a little while as everything has been so overwhelming. We interred my Paul’s ashes last week after the cremation the week before. Everyone seems to think once all this is over we can get back to ‘normal’. I still sit on the bed sniffing his clothes and I’m scared I will forget the sound of his voice. Like others have said the day drifts into night and I go to bed staring into the darkness. Nothing to look forward to. My girls are grown up and only the cat and me now. You miss all the little things and above all your best friend. How does this grief ever end…
I know what you mean. I found a video last night with his voice clearly on it. It was lovely but it also broke me. I just want him here. Like you say, I didn’t care what we were doing or where we were as long as we were together.
Yes the loneliness is hard to bear. I just so miss my husband and still cannot believe that he has gone and the way in which he died.
Like you say we did not need lavish life-styles or activities- we were just happy being with the person we loved. I also write to my husband every day, sometimes more than once dependent on how many tears I weep.