Hi Julie. After my Ron died I found a note he wrote to me a few years ago when he brought me a cup of tea in bed. It simply said ‘To Mo. I love you.’ I had written the date on the back of the note and it was a couple of years before he passed.
I keep it in a glass now in my kitchen cupboard and look at it everytime I reach for a cup. It tears me to bits because he died of pancreatic cancer which can be prevalent for over 10 years without symptoms and he must have had it when he wrote the note. Sometimes I wonder if he knew then what was happening but never told me.
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Sorry for typo. I was replying to Jules not Julie.
I understand- I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer 10 years ago. He was so fit and healthy until just before the diagnosis. He fought to stay with us but it is a cruel diagnosis as by the time they know what it is, it’s usually too late. Sending hugs
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Its the everyday things I miss the most, waking up together, breakfast, reading, watching TV, gardening, going out for a walk or a drive in the car. Just being together and not having to do anything to be happy. Like you say, just about being together. X
Now I just feel lost, and without purpose.
I have found a few videos with his voice and yesterday I just sat with my eyes closed listening to one playing over and over again, hoping if I opened my eyes it would be real.
Love and hugs Jacky
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Oh Jacko
I just can’t listen yet to Ron’s voice. I know so many find it comforting but it breaks me in two. I so wish I could feel comfort in looking at photo’s as wellbut I just torture myself with the memories. They are beautifully but no good without him to share them with.
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I lost my husband 4 months ago today I’m moving to a new place I can’t stay in this house to much bad memories of him dying in bed at home hate coming home to an empty house with him not here awful waking up without him hate shopping on my own as we shopped together went everywhere together I’ll take the good memories with me I’m dreading the shops cafes opening going there without him don’t know how I’ll cope miss him sooo much
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Dear Lorra5
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I understand your dread, particularly as life appears to return to normal and we are left without our loved ones. There are no words that I can say other than to take one day at a time and gather support from those around you.
Thinking of you.
Sheila
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Hi Lorra
Feel exactly the same. Who will I go out with now my Paul is no longer here - he died on 22nd Feb. Everyone so excited yet there is no joy now. Everything is a reminder abs an effort isn’t it? Take care of yourself
Julie
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What a lovely quote
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That’s lovely 
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I to find each day very very difficult, I don’t go out the only place I go is to the cemetery to lay flowers on my husband John’s grave, I miss him so much every day is an effort, `i take sleeping tablets otherwise I would not sleep at all but still wake very early, we used to wake at a reasonable time and John would say are we have ing a brew, and he would make us both a drink and we would stay cuddled up until about 9am it was so lovely, we would lie together at night I would cuddle up to him, we went to lie down early as I am disabled and find lying on the bed much more cosy so we would watch tv in bed together.
It is so hard to get through each day, there is lots of hobbies I used to do but I just cannot get my mind into it, I have to make myself get up, then night comes and I spay Johns pillow with his aftershave and cuddle it that is the nearest I can get to having him , I have a little Shit Zhu dog he is 17years old, and doing his best, I take care of him, he is the reason for keeping going, and I pray every night that he will stay strong, as I could not do to lose him, he used to sleep sound but not since John is no longer here, he keeps lying on the edge of the bed watching the door hoping he will come in and if I go out of the room for 1 minute he is barking, I think he is frightened I might vanish to.
On this site we all know how each other feels, life can never be the same again, its just how do you learn how to live a new life after 50 years together, I find that so difficult God Bless you all at least all of us are here and being able to speak with others in the same position helps
love Audi
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Hi, your message could be how I’m feeling at the moment, shock is a major feeling in my life, purpose, there feels no purpose at the moment, the plans we had together all gone, I like you just go through the day hour by hour, I’m lucky that I have a large family who phone or visit regularly, for that I am grateful, but it doesn’t replace the empty house or bed, the worst thing for me is going out and returning to a empty house, that gets to me every time. What I have been doing is writing thing’s down, where we met, our lives together, our ups and downs, plus major events that happened during our time together, I have found this very therapeutic and can almost hear my wife as I write thing’s down. We both found each other in Spain, she was Dutch, I am English, we both with our children from other relationships settled in England and we enjoyed 22 years marriage together before cancer took her away, they were the best 22 years of my life and I am determined to honour her life to the best of my ability, I know it’s going to be hard, but I’m sure that’s what she would want me to do. Stay strong and honour your life together.
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Hi Lynn. It’s awful isn’t it. All the plans we had, I feel a burden to some people, I do ask if anyone is free to walk somewhere, occasionally someone might be, just once I would like someone to call or txt me and ask me if I want to meet up. I took flowers to my husbands memorial garden yesterday and sat and cried for an hour.
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Hi Pam
I think it is getting worse not better.
I think we have been so unlucky in the way Gareth caught the virus and then his his body reacted to it. The hospital experience with not being able to visit was a nightmare and then we were just starting our retirement
He has been robbed of years snd I will be lonely and I feel like half a person.
I did not want to get up today as it is just torture and pointless.
I wish I had gone with him or instead of him.
I feel the universe is against us
Lynn x
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I feel like that too - all of the retirement that we had worked hard towards, he will never enjoy now and neither will I. Life just seems so cruel.
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Hi Lynn, I do feel your pain. Geoff was only 64 and too died of covid. No underlying health conditions, no reason!
So many robbed of years because of covid
I get so angry when people say its just like flu or its only people who are very old or have other conditions who die. Maybe they should look on here at the amount of younger people who have lost their partners
He had been retired for 3 years but I was still working as a teacher. I think maybe I brought it home from school as we both had it. I am glad he at least had those 3 years but angry that I won’t get to share any with him.
I’m thinking I might take early retirement now, don’t think I have the motivation any more and want to try and do some of the things we would have done together.
Its 21 weeks for me now, I do have some better days, but still lots of crying and I feel so lonely.
Love and hugs 
Jacky
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Do you live in London Lynn?
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Hi Pam
I am not sure which thread it is on but I know there is a London meet up planned for when lockdown ends. I would ask on here if I was you and good luck for the future.xx