My husband passed away of a heart attack 4 weeks ago.
I did perform cpr on him and that was very traumatic.
keep getting flashbacks of it.
Tonight has been really tough. Missing him and feeling so lost without him.
Still adapting to living on my own.
Nights are the worse, have time to dwell and miss him.
Days l can keep busy and get out.
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Hello @Achingheart ,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hi, I’m in a similar situation, I did manage to get my partner to hospital and after his first cardiac arrest I thought he was stable, but that dreaded phone call and sheer manic rush to get to the hospital in time still weighs on my mind every night, when I got there they were still doing cpr on him and that image is stuck with me. I’m strong during the day but melt when everyone is asleep, to help I’ve been listening to music that we loved and have good memories of, sometimes works. My first time posting on here as i didnt know where to go but its nice in a way to know im not alone and other people have similar lives
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So sorry for your loss.
It’s hard isnt it, l take each day as it comes.
Still struggling with sleep and l miss him more each day.
I do wear his dressing gown and have a top with his smell to comfort me.
Your not alone, l know it feels like you are at times, especially at night when all asleep and you have time to think.
I talk to my husband daily even though he’s no longer he.
You look after yourself.
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Dear Vick.Y, you are not alone. I replay the night my husband died, and the days preceding it, again and again. I try not to, but it creeps up on me. For me the worst time is the afternoons. My doctor gave me something to help at night, and it does work, so I can usually get to sleep, and I wake up cheerful. I don’t know if you would find that a help as of course for me it has worn off by the afternoon! But I prefer this as I have always had problems sleeping - after my mother died, although the grief was much less intense and I wasn’t lonely, I still found that I couldn’t sleep for hours. At present I couldn’t cope with that. I am so sorry you have to. I wear his clothes at times to feel closer to him - t-shirts and sweaters. Unfortunately I washed everything so only an old jacket smells of him. I hope this helps you a bit Thinking of you.
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4 weeks is very recent. You will still be in shock. Yes it’s like ptsd. It drives you mad going round and round. It is much better for me now at 17 weeks. I still go through his last day but not as much it will get better.
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really feel for you.my husband died suddenly nearly 5 weeks ago.its really hard and still so raw for both of us
I feel for you, night times are the worst aren’t they? Like you I keep busy during the day. I lost my husband of 30 years suddenly 7 weeks ago, he suffered a massive bleed on the brain at home, nothing could save him. Going to bed alone is the worst thing, I miss the pillow talk so much, I talk to him every night before I go to sleep x
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oh i feel your pain and i am so sorry for your loss.my husband died of sudden H.A 6 weeks ago.its so tough x
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Dear All, I do appreciate your help and thoughts. Thank you so much. And I am thinking of you as you battle losses even more recent than mine. Thinking of you all now. We are not alone, thank you for helping me realise that.
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I realise that I didnt start this topic, but all the other replies have helped me,. Thank you
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It’s just the constant replaying of the last days before he died and everything I would have said if I had know it would be my last chance. Am really struggling with anxiety and almost imagining every conversation I have and action I take might be my last chance with a loved one. My partner was in hospital and I was on the phone to the ward to say I was on my way when he had a cardiac arrest. I heard the alarms and the nurse put the phone down. I kept trying to get through and when I did my son and I were on our way there and they confirmed he was in cardiac arrest and they were working on him. My world collapsed at that moment. They were able to bring him back but he never regained consciousness and spent 36 hours in ICU. He passed with me beside him 01/01/25 just before midday. They have told me hearing is the last sense to go and he would of heard my words and I was with him the whole time he was in ICU apart from a few hours overnight when the nurses made me rest but I’ll never know if he heard me. I talk to his photo everyday and now have his ashes home with me but I just wish I had told him all the things I loved about him one more time 
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Gina, I am the same - not realising that I would not get to speak to him again, not realising how ill he was. But he knew I loved him. When I told he I loved him he always said ‘I know’. I also know how much he loved me. I wasn’t there when they put him on the ventilator and I kick myself for leaving him for what I thought was just a short time to get myself sorted after spending the night with him in A&E. He was so much better at reading a room and I suspect he knew he might die. But I am not upset he didn’t get the chance to say he loved me as I knew he did, so I shouldn’t be upset that I didn’t get to say it to him. I’m not sure how far you are along this journey, I think it took about 6 weeks for the constant replaying the calm down. I still replay it 4 months on but only occassionally now. You didn’t deliberatly miss being there. you didn’t know. None of us did. Forgive yourself, he knew you loved him.
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So sorry for your loss I lost my partner suddenly a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I’m literally losing my mind it’s overwhelming. I’m waiting for a callback from the doctor hoping they can give me something to calm me down a bit
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So very sorry for your loss. It is wierd and overwhelming.
I am finding a low dose of tranquilizers a big help.
Hoping something works to make it a bit less unbearable XXX
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@Debsie1 yes I do know in my heart he knew I loved him and he was my world and we had a happy Christmas together but my head just keeps going round and round. I have had a necklace made from the handwriting in his Christmas card to me and I keep it on all the time. My name and I love you xxx on it. And @Manda2025 my doctor did prescribe me sleeping pills which did help in the early days as I was just totally exhausted but was running at high speed on empty. I am not constantly wired now but it comes in waves . Hope you get some peace. I wish we all could but we just have to keep going even if it’s hour by hour
@Alice56 yes sleeping tablets and 2mg diazepam as needed but as much as sleep is a relief I know I can’t rely on them but for now I know it helps and I am doing a little better 6 weeks on. The first two weeks was just unimaginable. It’s still horrendous but the crushing feeling of the grief isn’t always there like it was
Gina I have a victorian locket that was my husbands grandmothers. Two pictures in there and I wear it everyday.
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Gina, I’m glad the pills are helping. I too know I’ll have to stop sometime, but they do make life easier. I’m glad you’re doing a little better. I find it is a bit of a rollercoaster - some afternoons are still horrendous, in fact this afternoon has been very hard. I’m so lucky to have two small dogs - I have to get up and out for them, and when I was howling (literally!) today, they lept up onto my lap to comfort me.
Also I had a butterfly pendant made with his fingerprints on it. I hold it and feel closer to him. His first gift to me was a butterfly brooch. We have to hang onto what keeps us sane and a bit comforted, though so sad. Love to all XXX
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Yes I agree each day is different and I can be feeling ok ish one minute then a random thought or memory can literally crush me and I’ll be in bits again sobbing into his pillow. And anything that helps make us feel close to them must be a help. I feel he is always with me at least. I also have a beautiful doggy who has kept me sane, especially that first couple of weeks I was walking round in a daze but I knew I had to take him out. Otherwise I could have just hidden away from the world
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