My partner of fifty years passed away three years and four months ago.I still can’t believe it’s been that long.I think of her all the time,cannot stop thinking about Chris.She was everything to me and I can’t see a way of life without her.When you’ve done everything together for fifty years,I can’t see any kind of future for me,just feel heartbroken and completely lost.
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Feeling lost is so true. My partner passed away last year after 20 yrs together and I am approaching the 1st year without him . There is a deep sadness amongst the every day grief and a knowing that life will never be the same again and you will never be the same person again. We lose us as well as them. It’s like a life sentence that we have to serve in the knowledge that we will never fill the void that belonged only to them. I function, I work, I have friends for which I am grateful for but my life now lacks true love and meaning. We have no choice but to get up each day and survive it. I have to believe there is some form of happiness on the horizon to give me some hope that I won’t always feel this way. It’s so cruel and hard. You and I are not alone there are many feelings the same way, just got to keep going
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@John80 im so sorry you feel so hopeless. I do fear I will be the same as you . I can’t offer you specific advice, simply offer support and love xxx
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@LynT im so sorry for your loss . You are right when you say life is about surviving. That’s how I see things now - I’m not very good at being a survivor. I miss my wonderful man so much like you do . It’s constant pain xxx
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Sorry for your loss too. I don’t think I’m doing a great job of surviving either!. Can’t make decisions anymore without his input. Didn’t realise how dependent on him I was (god I hate everything is now in the past tense). All the was, if’s and bloody but’s, just like he was erased out of my life but not out of my heart. People don’t get it either, sick of being told it gets easier, he will always be with you, etc, got to move on. No! I can’t rewrite the whole of my past life with him. Can’t even talk about him for fear of upsetting people
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@LynT no I certainly don’t buy into the notion that time heals . I can’t live without my man . The pain is indescribable. I’m also quite pathetic when it comes to making decisions alone - prime example I moved to a flat that’s turned out to be unsuitable now I’m attempting to move back , it’s up for rental again after being renovated and the landlord says I can go back ( estimated April ) . So I’m totally unable to make sound decisions on my own . It’s as if life suddenly becomes insurmountable doesn’t it ? I’m not healing after 14 months and I feel a sense of constant despair. xxx
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But you have made a decision you know … youve decided to move back into the flat that’s being renovated …so give yourself a pat on the back ! I know its so hard without them. My husband had a small piece of allotment and can i decide whether to keep it on ? No i cant ! Can i be bothered ? Does it make me happy ? Not really … but its a piece of him so i don’t want to give it up either … grrhh these things are so hard … i cant do anything with his clothes or his ashes. Its too.painful … all these things almost paralyse us dont they … stop us from doing a lot because we cant let go of them … not yet i cant. Have to keep him close still to comfort me … not ready to turn that page yet - but actually we don’t need to either … whats the rush ? I think we just do it all at our own pace and not anybody elses … i would just like a bit of happiness instead of all this sorrow tbh … that’s all … xx
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@Deb5 yes I have decided to move back into the house , I just have to wait and try and be patient- I won’t believe I’m going back until I’m actually there and it doesn’t come wit any guarantees until this point . I’m worried that it might not happen now I decided! Terrible isn’t it . I left because of mental torture and disrepair now I’m longing to go back but it’s taking ages , or it feels like ages . I’m just impatient and wanting certainty. We didn’t own any property so this is why I feel displaced I think - when you’re relying on someone else’s home to rent , you have to fit in with their timescales. Baz used to have an allottmement , but gave it up when my mum became very unwell . He was too busy supporting me to be digging down there. I’d keep it if I had the chance because it would be a project to work on . Giving up anything to do with our men is painful and tbh I don’t actually have much of mine other than memories. We made a lot of memories but didn’t have a lot of things . There’s some of his stuff in my flat that I don’t intend going back to - I go round to check all is ok . Mind you , without the person, his belongings feel quite meaningless. I just want him - not his things . I have kept a few of his clothes , but apart from these I don’t have much at all . It’s all very sad and heartbreaking xxx
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Yeh i feel bit like that about allotment … not really got time for it or the energy … mmm i got a few weeks before i have to decide … will get a letter in april … its not a crime if i give it up and i know my.husband would understand whatever i decide to do … his clothes - just cant move them as it makes me cry … not yet anyway … will eventually im sure … when i have to and it is necessary x
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@Deb5 because I left our home I had to clear a lot of things out . Mind you he did hoard a lot of junk which I had nowhere for . Yes I know they tend to review allotments in April - I wasn’t big on digging etc but I might have kept it given the chance . It’s something that would fill the time anyway. I’m pinning all my hopes on going back to our home - I don’t know how I’ll be if it falls through. Gutted . I have been told I can go back in April, so I have to trust the process xxx
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Yeh its a really hard decisionfor me 
Can see the pros and the cons …
You will sort yoyr flat out. Im sure … can you ring landlord directly ? X
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@Deb5 no he put it in the hands of the estate agent so they have to chase up with the plumber . That’s the last job . I’m being impatient! My anxiety is currently a constant nagging voice in my head telling me it won’t happen. It will , I just need to trust the process. Suddenly it feels so important to go back - obviously it won’t bring Baz back . Maybe I’m expecting too much and happiness should come from within .
Well I suppose you could keep your allotment going . Mind you with ours they did come along to check that we were keeping it properly!! Making sure we were digging! xxx
@Deb5 my husband had 3 allotments. He found it hard to keep them going last year because he didnt find out he had cancer until the end of the year. That was why he struggled, and he often went to the plots on days i couldnt help him. We talked about what to do, and decided that we would give up 1 plot and i would help him more with the other 2.
I have decided to keep those 2 plots myself for at least a year in his memory. I love gardening anyway, but im planning to grow some flowers as well as vegetables. If it becomes too much then I will give one plot up next year.
I think what im trying to say is that you need to do what feels right. For me its one place where I can feel him close. Just wish this rain would give up!
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Hi. I lost my wife to cancer last November and i still cant believe it. I totally get how you feel when people say in time it will get easier etc
I simply dont know or want to live without her. Ive tried counselling, exercise, you name it but nothing helps. You cant run away from whats in your heart and soul. I truly wish i took my last breath when she did because this is torture beyond words. Im broken,lost and dont want to be here without her.
I have a son and daughter 4 grandchildren. Everyone says you must stay strong for them, thats what your wife would want etc, but i just cant do it, ive tried so hard to keep busy and focused but life without her is not for me
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Yeh i agree, thats why i dont want to give it up cos feel close to him there too and all his tools are there … just cant do anything in this rain can you ? Its only half a plot too … yeh i could put some floweres in … change it up a bit and i find onions and potatoes easiest to grow in our climate and keeps it simple too . Theres 2 apple trees and a big rhubarb plant … mmmm …thanks for thinking of me… i just feel a wrench to give it up in a way… i try to hold on to everything that is in his memory you know - which is why i kept it on last year ! Was faced with same dilemma… lucy my puppy got used to it down there now … last year she was crying when i went with her as she was only young … 
xx
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Oh gazza thats so sad you still feel like this … i know its hard ! We all know your pain - truly we do ! Its one of the hardest journey i think we will ever go on. I read a book called languages of loss by sasha bates ! Wow that was so powerful to me and honest about how she felt after losing her husband ! The devastation she felt was just like mine. Why dont you try ordering that to read ? Can get it online.
All the best and keep talking on here to us all xx
Will do thank you
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Had 2 very bad days, really low. Got to be careful as my temper is not good. The slightest thing is really annoying me. Today i was at my caravan walking my dog and i see this car drive on newly laid grass. Chewed it up. I went after him, big fat guy could barely get out his car. I absolutely ripped into him, if he woukd have given me anything back i truly believe i would have hurt him. Not good i know.
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Yeh anger is part of grief you know i was so angry at beginning with everybody ! How long is it for you ? Enjoy it at your caravan though . Sounds nice x
Totally agree you just try to exist everyday. Life will never be the same again list my partner to brain cancer 4 months ago he was 55 
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