I went out on tuesday for meal with family it was so hard without him i felt so guilty going out without him i was in a place full of people yet id never felt so alone its getting darker and darker for me i miss him so much its unbearable xx
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@Catherine1234 I’m so sorry. I know what you mean. I went out for a meal a while back with family and I felt like a fish out of water. I tried to explain this later to who I was with but they didn’t understand. It’s just awful.x
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You could put me with a big group of people and i would still feel lost and lonely.
Its like today the sun is out with lovely blue skies and whispy white cloud, used to really feel good when the weather was like this but now i just feel down and alone as its days like today it reminds me of our holidays abroad and me and Jane deciding the pool or the beach. I don’t even want to go out and sit in the sun as the isolation will become worse as ive no one to share the sunny weather with.
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@Narna I’ve just read a post on another thread and it brought tears to my eyes as iit reflected my life as it is now in so many ways. It is so sad how our lives have now become since losing our loved ones. Especially if you are older like me. It’s so hard to try and start a so called new life.x
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Since Jane has gone i feel like a fish out of water flapping around gasping for air whilst trying to get back into the pond of life.
My whole life us in tatters, the old me has disappeared and been replaced with a man who has no idea what to do next.
Must of looked a right madman yesterday when i took the dog out im looking into the sky and talking to myself asking Jane ehy she left us and what does she want me to do next. Im 54 later this year and i haven’t got the energy to consider meeting someone new especially as they would have to be so so special to even get close to what Jane was and meant to me, …
i shouldn’t talk about jane in the past as she i still here somewhere… even get close to what Jane is and what she still means to me 
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This is very much how i am currently. My kate left us nearly 4 weeks ago and i have been keeping busy with all the paperwork etc, the evenings and weekends though are just so empty. Like you i am only 52 but feels a bit like everything stopped, no idea what next when we had plans for all sorts. 
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@SP60
Does it have to be a man? Like you I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life but don’t want to be in a relationship. I’m hoping girlfriends will come on trips with me when the time is right. I have a few friends that are also single so there’s hope they may fancy a holiday with me at some point.
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Jasemet the early days are what kept me going, having to sort out paperwork, funeral and stuff.
Im just over 11 weeks in now and its now that friends and family have cut right down on their contact that i find the loneliness and pain of losing Jane so hard to handle with weekends and evenings being the worst time of all, i actually feel happy when i know i can go to bed because its the only time i can actually escape this existence thats replaced my life
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I dare not think of my life alone, my nan lived until she was 102 and my dads in his late 80’s, i hope that dont mean ive got another 30 odd years to go… seeing that written down has just fried my brain…no way i want to live that long, all i want is Jane to come and get me, ive been begging her too but nothing has changed.
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@Catherine1234 I know hun and time passes so slowly
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@SP60
That’s the reason I won’t get signed off, give me way too much time on my hands. Hopefully things will improve soon x
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I look at photos of Jane and then her urn and can’t get my head round how did you go from a happy photo to sitting in an urn??
I miss me and Jane fighting over the duvet or having a snoring competition, to quote a Police song from back in the day “The beds to big without you”
Couldnt be a truer song sang
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@Ali29 I’m like you now. I realise that I’m too young to write my life off completely. He was my life, my future and my best friend, without him I’ve never been so empty but I am well aware that I can’t change what’s happened and I could easily have another twenty years ahead of me. Do I want to spend the rest of it crying and pining for him? No. I do hope I can find some happiness in life again. I don’t want another relationship, I loved him so much. I was so incredibly lucky to have had him for 17 years. I shared the best years of my life with him and some people never even get that.
I do hope to go on holidays again, there’s so many places in the world I want to see and if I have twenty years left life would be a lot more enjoyable and go a lot faster if I enjoy some of it. I’m hoping that I can do that with a female friend. Most of my female friends have young children and partners of their own though so we’ll see what happens but up until a few days ago I had mo interest in life at all. Now I think we have to endure it so we might as well try and find happiness anyway we can.
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I know its so surreal that the love of my life is in an urn and i will always try and see the lighter side of things but the old me would just flow with silliness but now i either cant be bothered or i just cant see past the darkness…
Yeah Jane normally won the duvet tugging and id end up with no cover sleeping on the edge of the mattress lol
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His sons dont sound very nice. Janes son said to me mums ashes are yours and whatever i decide would be ok with him.
So Jane now sits amongst our collection of skulls
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I know what you mean . Just over 5 weeks for me and sat here , heart pounding and fighting with the demons that are saying , I’m done , I can’t do this !!! I don’t want to hurt my family anymore than they are hurting already but I’m feel like I’m that close , I cannot bare it. The pain is like something I’ve never experienced. I’m 53 and just wish I go quick & naturally like Bry did , I just don’t see the point of even as much as another year . Why can’t it just be my time now
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Hang on in there. Just think of your body as a machine for now. Your heart beats, your legs move. I know exactly how you feel as I wish I could join my late partner too but would we really want anyone who cares about us to feel like this?
I try to think of people I know who have been through this nightmare and come out the other side even though they felt like us. Maybe one day we can help other people when we are the ones who survived this hell. Let’s support each other and carry on until we are chosen to go. Who knows, that may be tomorrow!
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That actually made me laugh too especially about the duvet as he was always trying to pull it back to his side of the bed. I wonder whether I should buy a smaller bed. Today I realised I didn’t need to have the electric blanket turned on on his side of the bed and that got me crying! I keep asking myself - how did this happen - this fit slim muscular man now reduced to ( a surprisingly heavy ) casket of ashes! It doesn’t make any sense - even the consultants don’t know why he didn’t survive the sepsis?
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@Malmo thanks but what use is a man who’s feels dead inside and has no one to protect love and care for its like having a car with no wheels, or a guitar with no strings. Sue loved me playing for her now I can’t even pick it up without crying. I just don’t know now bye dave
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So understand that I can’t go anywhere xxx