Feeling numb

Losing a partner
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I’m sorry that your reading this, because it means you have lost the love of your life too,

I’m 16 weeks into this living nightmare without my best friend and soul mate,
I’ve survived through the stomach renching agony of the first weeks,
I’ve coped with all the mountain of paper work and phone calls,
The lack of a good night’s sleep is now a thing of the past.
The tears still fall, unashamedly, not as many times a day though, so that’s something more positive.

The rollercoster of emotions, not just different each day, but from each hour some days,
I know about, the shock, the denial, the anger, and such, but what I didn’t know was just how numb I could feel, is this normal, why has it come now? I was doing quite well,
I except life will never be the same again, how could it without our partners by our sides, robbed of our future plans,
Can anyone tell me please, have you felt numb, almost in a daze, I find myself staring into space, yet not thinking about a thing, that is not normal for me, I’m usually a very positive person.
Thank you if you read this far,
Hugs Chrissy3

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Chrissy3

Sorry for your loss. I have to say, I fully understand what you are saying regarding all the mixed emotions that we have to deal with and like you I am now left with this numb feeling.
I think in the very early days we allows ourself to openly feel and show all that we are meant to. Sadness, anger, disbelief, fear …. the list is endless!!
I also wonder if the numb feeling is our way of dealing with the next stage of our grief.
You know when you think people aren’t interested anymore or think you have moved on!! …. So you don’t show your grief, you put on the fake smile, you cry in private but because this not your true feelings the numbness takes over and becomes the half way house, so to speak …… not showing your true feelings to others yet not prepared to jump through hoops of happiness.
Numbness is about all that’s left …… and for me it’s safe because I don’t have to commit either way

Dee xx

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This is me exactly,you have just described what I am going through,hell on earth.I cannot function anymore,crying all the time,missing her so much,how on earth are we supposed to go on.

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You’re right the feelings are all so mixed up and as time goes on it all seems like a living nightmare, I still can’t quite believe how it all happened so fast and that I am now on my own, yesterday I cleaned my husbands truck ready to go back to the company and just cried at yet another loss, he loved his black truck and we had lots of road trips and fun memories, I even felt cross with the robin this morning in the garden as I thought if you are my husband you mock me as I struggle on which isn’t like me at all, here I go again another day in my new normal hugs xx

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Hi Chrissy3

My wife, best friend and soul mate passed on Christmas Day and since then I have been throwing myself into anything to keep myself busy and occupied. Just had a busy day, making soup, meatloaf and done a dark wash. Taking the clothes out of the drier it hit me that Elaine isn’t there to help fold and put things away. I’ve had a good couple of days but I have just been hit by a truck load of grief and I can’t get my head around why is Elaine not here anymore and why am I alone with this great big hole in my life, i never wanted to be on a grief site but this is the only place I have found where people are as devastated as I am. I cry like a baby and then come to terms with it and then desolate again all in the blink of an eye. so sudden that all the good progress I think I am making disappears when I am confronted with the reality that Elaine is gone and I am so so numb that I can’t think about anything except grief and heartache for my loss. We did everything together and when I am doing something that usually involved us both I freeze and wonder why this is happening and will this numbness ever go away when I am in this situation.
Sorry to rant on about my grief when you have your own but I can identify with your feelings.
Stay safe.

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Reading all of your feelings gives me strength thinking it’s not just me. I will never be the same person I was after losing my husband of 36 years aged 55. It’s been 13 weeks of hell, not knowing what my future holds scares me. Take Care All Of You.

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Hi Chrissy

Ian passed away 17 weeks ago now and I’ve woken up this morning feeling incredibly sad. I’m staying with my sister for the weekend as I hate being on my own. We’ve been busy and have plans for today but all I feel is sadness…… I can hear her talking and laughing but I feel nothing really.
I met with an old colleague on Friday but all I felt was anger then. Her daughter has had counselling after a divorce and when I said I was going to have grief counselling, she said you must both be feeling the same then. I shouldn’t have reacted but I said ‘no, my husband has died!’ I did apologise but after listening to all her future holidays she has planned with her husband it was all just too much……
I know Ian wouldn’t want me to be like this but it is so hard to stay ‘positive’ all the time and not to let the sadness and sense of loss dominate every waking hour.

After 17 weeks, it is getting harder to do this.

Julie x

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Yes many people just do not realise what it like to lose a partner ,someone you have been with day in day out for many years and now they are just not there anymore.I am fully with you .Michael.

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Thank you all for taking the time to read and for your replies, it really does help having you out there knowing you understand how I feel,

No-one judges, criticises or condems you on this forum, because, you all know exactly what it’s like even though we are all at a different stage, and all react in a different way, all deal with it in our own way, we still all have that one connection, loss.

I can now add numbness to my expected list of emotions through grief, knowing it’s somewhat 'normal ’ wonder what else is awaiting me down this road named bereavement.

Bless you all , hugs Chrissy3

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Trixie1

I completely understand your feeling of sadness, it comes at the most unexpected times. Maybe your plans with your sister will help them to pass. Its not easy I know, but one step at a time when days are filled with sadness,

People can be so insensitive in their comments, I know they don’t intent to hurt, but that’s what they do, they hurt, because we are at this time, extra sensitive, things that we would normally just shrug off, stay with us to sometimes fester if we allow them to, I try to put up my wall of defence against such comments, try to look at the situation and ask myself would that normally bother me, normally not, it’s hard to let it go, but we have to try at least.

My husband, like yours, wouldn’t want us feeling, acting, the way we are, so for them , we have to try even harder, but at the same time I feel its very important to allow our selves to go through our grief, I’m not sure, go through is really the right words, because they indicate an end, and we both know, as all on this forum do, there is no end, I try to look at that as my love for him will never die, so my grief will never either, I just have to learn to live with it, manage it into my new life, if that makes sense.
Your in my thoughts, we are both around the same stage 16/17 weeks,
Bless you. Hugs Chrissy3

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Dee

Thank you so much for your reply, its so warming yet at the same time so sad that you understand how I’m feeling , because it shows you feeling the same.

Your right the list of emotions is endless, I’m wondering what’s next , I think in my ignorance I’d expected to go through each stage of about seven maybe eight emotions, then come to expectancy and it all be gone, dealt with, over, how stupid I have been, I now see it all very differently , I now know this is something I’ll experience the rest of my days, learning how to deal with it,

Having people like you on this forum really does help, thank you for that, maybe one day I’ll beable to offer help to someone back in return .

Bless you, hugs Chrissy3.

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Mickeyboy3

I feel for your pain, I know how bad it can get, it’s an absolute horrendous journey we are on, with no stops along the way, some times we travel so fast and there’s nowhere to hold on to, other days can go slower, we are able to see out the window, but those days are far a few between and much further along the journey than we are on at the moment,

I wish I had answers for you in how are we supposed to go on, I’m just following the advice from many on this forum, one day at a time, one step at a time, my husband would want me to carry on, so I hold that special thought close, and do my best, it’s all we can do.

I’m sorry your missing your wife so much, but it shows just how much you love her , there’s nothing wrong in crying , it’s a very good release, we need to let it out, I believe it can get less over time, I’m hopeful, I’m like you still at the daily crying stage, but hold hope for further down the line on this journey, in the meantime, hold on tight, it can get bumpy.

Bless you, hugs Chrissy3.

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Mab

It is very much a nightmare, I felt so sad reading about your husbands truck, I have that still to go through, I’m lucky in one sense that he owned it so I can take my time, and that’s what I plan to do for now, I’m not looking forward to it at all, and my heart goes out to you having to deal with it soon.

I’m sure if the robin was from your husband he would understand your anger and frustration having to deal with things alone, your reactions are normal, don’t stress over it.

Bless you hugs Chrissy3

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Nodrog

I’m sorry for your loss, never an easy thing to deal with but I always feel for those that are on a noted date.
Your right, that keeping busy can help, I have found this works, it’s finding the motivation that’s difficult,
During the mundane daily jobs that just have to be done they are the ones that catch us out, I had to smile at your words about meatloaf, and a dark wash, I understand about your folding the washing, and your wife not being there to help, I had somthing similar, I was making a sandwich for my lunch, it hit me hard, that I could never again make my husband one, such a silly thing,but it made me sob, making sandwiches now is never the same.

It’s very true, none of us want to be on this site, but we all need to be, it’s helped me enormously, you expressed how a lot of us are feeling, it’s comforting in a strange way just knowing we are all in this together. I didn’t find your words to be a rant at all, I found them reassuring, I’m not alone. So thank you for them. I hope you daily struggle becomes more bearable.
Bless you hugs Chrissy3

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Dmaspey

You are definitely alone on this awful journey, yes, it does change us, I’m only 16 weeks into this, I know I will never be the same person again, thought of the future can be scary, maybe that’s why we are told to take one day at a time, one step at a time on worse days, this is what I’m doing.

This forum is very helpful and reassuring, keep reading or writing because it does help.
Bless you hugs Chrissy3

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Yes awful journey,easy to say one day at a time not so easy to do though.

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Chrissy3

Thanks for you thoughts on my keeping busy and missing Elaine all at the same time.
Years age I read a short story, I don’t remember the author, and one of the lines that struck me was “why do I feel so alone in a room full of people”. I didn’t understand it was a cry for help until years later. A couple of months ago I was invited to Elaine’s nephew’s 50th birthday party and it was then that quote struck home. There I was sitting in a room full of people feeling that I was just a piece of the wallpaper. Eventually I managed to strike up a one sided conversation with one of his friends and this guy really saw through my facade of “enjoying” the party. His wife had just phoned him to say she couldn’t come and take him home as one of their young children had taken, nothing serious but enough that she did not want to leave him with a neighbour, so could he take the train home. Seeing this as an opportunity to escape this strange scenario of being in a crowd I volunteered to drive him home. Suddenly another two pals wanted to leave, and as they were on the same route I said ok and off we went. Naturally the passengers were all half drunk and I was thinking this was a mistake. However, despite being tipsy they were great company and I really laughed at their nonsense and banter all the way to the last drop off. It was a lonely drive back home but as I passed one after another of Elaine and my favourite haunts I started talking to her and reminding her of all the fun we had in those days. I don’t remember those guys’ names but for an hour I was out of my gloom and back into the world of the living and can’t thank them enough for letting me see there was something inside of me that could still enjoy a laugh. There have not been many days since then but when I talk to my brother on the phone we always end with a laugh, usually at my expense.
This forum has been an insight as t,o yes it is not a betrayal to laugh and no, it is not a weakness to cry like a baby for no reason.
Stay safe, Gordon ( you probably see my sense of humour in that Nodrog is Gordon backwards – that’s how I feel sometimes - backwards towards the memories)

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Gordon

I’d no idea, no, I didn’t spot it, very clever though,
Your reply has made me smile, I’m glad you found a way to escape, if only for a little while it all helps, even one second helps, I’ve not been put into the situation of feeling alone in a crowd yet, it’s only 16 weeks tomorrow for me, so not ready to even try to face that yet.

I talk to my husband all the time, mostly in my head but out loud too, it does help, I imagine his reply to sometimes, it’s not always what I want to hear, lol, but I know he’s right.

Your right about laughing not being a betrail, or crying a weakness, we need them both though this process, I did feel guilty the very first time I heard myself laugh, looking at his photos smiling back at me, I knew it was ok, and the backing on this site has been a tonic. Everyone is so understand and supportive, I am thankful every day for it, its my go to every morning, and end of day comfort every night.

Thank you Gordon for brightening my dull Sunday, with your story.
You keep safe too.
Hugs Chrissy3

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Mickeyboy3

No it’s not easy I know, but we can either do our best or fall deeper into dispare, and I know my husband really didn’t want that for me, I’m sure none of our lost ones would, so for them we must do our best to keep going as hard as that is, in my mind it’s all we have. No one said it was easy. Bless you keep going. Hugs Chrissy3

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Chrissy3

Keep smiling and keep talking to your husband.
What was his name? I hate talking about Elaine as “she”, or “her” but sometimes repeating her name in conversation seems a bit over the top. I have a photo of Elaine with her usual mug of tea and a big cheesy grin and thumbs up.
I always look at this first thing in the morning to get encouragement for the rest of the day and an ok last thing at night for getting through another day. Simple things keep us sane in this crazy world we are now living in.
Stay safe. Nodrog :slight_smile: