Feeling out of step?

Hi,

I just wanted to know if anyone is having the same experience I am since the loss husband couple of months ago.

I’ve tried to help myself by getting out & about, ive been out for dinner with family, I’ve been out for a walk with friends, dinner in with friends, all of these events I used to do while my husband was alive but he often didn’t attend due to work commitments so I thought all of these outings would help me as these were often outings I did alone.

However each outing has been very strange, its as though I don’t belong anymore? As though I’m now a round peg trying to fit into a square hole?

There all chatting away & im sitting there thinking ther3 all humans and I feel like a alien?

It has ended up with me going home in tears, I do want to feel better as fed up feeling miserable but don’t know what to do to help myself?

I want to be myself again & part of the world, it’s like I’m a spectator looking in on life on Earth that I’m not a part of anymore.

Does what I’m saying make sense to anyone?

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I know exactly what you mean, I am 7 months in, my husband died of sepsis very suddenly and since then I feel like an actor in a bad movie, nothing seems real, when I am out with friends I feel like I am watching myself act like I have always done knowing I am different now but can’t explain why, it is a very surreal experience, I seem to be wading through mud and getting nowhere, but I keep going hoping that I will eventually find a more comfortable way to live with my grief. Take care x

Shortly after my husband passed away, I went to an event I used to enjoy and one he’d never have attended. I too felt like an alien, couldn’t explain it and I’ve never attended that event again.

It’s as though our status changed the moment our husbands passed to the spirit world.

I understand completely how you felt when surrounded by those you always felt comfortable with. I don’t have the answers, suffice to say, our only difference to the outside world is that our husbands have passed, yet people we thought of as friends suddenly treat us very differently. They may feel uncomfortable but that doesn’t help us to build the new existence we are now faced with. We aren’t the aliens it is the world that has become alien to us and our new enforced status

Truly hope I am helping and not upsetting you.

Sending blessings to let you know you are not alone in your feelings.

Take care
Jen ☆

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Thank you barb on & Jen

Flower Garden…
…yes it is making complete sense to me, this is our future, we are now making a life for ourselves that we would rather not be having to make as all we want is our partner back with us continuing with our old life, our past life, our safe life, the life we have gotten used to for the past x amount of years…

Jackie…

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Jen…
…that is a good way of putting it…" We aren’t the aliens it is the world that has become alien to us, " …and our new enforced status…

Thank you Jackie, makes me wonder if grief should be seen as an illness, and there were convalescence homes where you could spend some time with others going through the same thing, before you go back to your life to try & make a future?

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Flower garden, our new future will only be the same, very unpredictable and forever changing…even a convalescent home wont bring our partners back…

Jackie…

Hi Flowegarden, I too lost my husband a few weeks ago and have been doing a similar round of social events and know exactly how you feel. I’ve even felt it with all female groups and also I can’t stop thinking that they’re going home to someone and I’m not.
Everything just takes so much effort to get yourself out there, I’m not sure it’s worth it, but I can’t stand being on my own. Although everyone is trying so hard to look after me I just feel like a spare part.
I don’t know about you, but I’m still very numb so am in a bit of a permanent fog but with dreadful waves of emotion and anxiety that take my breath away. I’m told it’s early days so I suppose we just have to keep going.
Take care xx

Hi She 123, i know exactly what you mean, I didn’t know you could feel like this, feels awful, the only positive I can think of is that you see older widows who lost there husbands decades earlier & there smiling so maybe time is the answer.

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Yes smiling on the outside but on the inside tells another sad story…

Hi just read your post and thank you l lost my darling husband married for 52 years in April and you have just described exactly how my life is it’s frightening lonely the more people I am with the lonelier I feel thank you for sharing. Marian Victoria

Hi … I feel exactly the same … lonely and empty in the middle of a crowd. I have even said to a close friend I do t want to go and put my mask on to play ‘happy families’ at family occasions etc. It’s a horrible feeling … I dont know how I will ever get used to doing stuff without my soulmate of 43 years. I often went out for lunch or meet friends in the day etc without him but I knew he was always here when I came back. It’s a really lonely feeling. Love Sue x

Hi … I feel exactly the same … lonely and empty in the middle of a crowd. I have even said to a close friend I do t want to go and put my mask on to play ‘happy families’ at family occasions etc. It’s a horrible feeling … I dont know how I will ever get used to doing stuff without my soulmate of 43 years. I often went out for lunch or meet friends in the day etc without him but I knew he was always here when I came back. It’s a really lonely feeling. Love Sue x

a friend and her mum asked if I wanted to join them in Bridlington for the weekend, so I went on Friday, got back around 2pm today. Had really good time, still shed a good few tears when alone. Had only ever been there once before and that was in 1981.

Whilst there I thought about getting some structure into this life I now find myself living, which can only be a good thing.

During the drive home I started thinking about Alan and the tears started flowing, my mind could not accept that I’m without him now, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t overcome this obstacle. Once home, my anxiety has been increasing, I am now beginning to wonder if it’s our home that is creating my anxiety or if it’s because I’ve come back to our empty home that I am struggling with.

This past hour I have battled with an overwhelming feeling of extreme anxiety and a foreboding black cloud of something sinister about to descend upon me. Mo matter how hard I try it what i do, i cannot shake off this feeling. So here i am, after a lovely weekend away with a really good friend and her mum, and all i can do is sit here in floods of tears scared silly of sone unknown disaster that may descend over me, and I really cannot shake this feeling off no matter how I.try. my mind is working overtime and will nor quieten, I’m screaming inside my head and feel I’ll explode any given moment

Blessings
Jen☆

How I agree with you all. A friend went away soon after losing her husband and said that although she enjoyed herself, it wasn’t the same. I too have just had a few days away with friends and found the same thing. Very nice but when away with Mike we were always wanting to do the same things, we didn’t need to fit in with others, we just knew what the other would want to do, where to go etc. With friends you have to think more about fitting in with them. There is no one to talk to about the day and what you have done. I HATE IT, I want my old life back.

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Hi Jen. A lot of our emotional problems are made worse by us trying to fight emotions and pain. You say you have ‘battled’ with a feeling of extreme anxiety. Most of us here will suffer anxiety. It’s part of the grief process. Don’t misunderstand. I am not minimising your suffering, God knows, I have been there.
But when we fight and battle emotions and try to get rid of them we feed them with fear which they breed on. The definition of fight or battle is ‘to enter into conflict with’. Do we need to be in conflict on top of how we feel now?
I find acceptance helps. When we feel anxious and upset can we accept that it’s how we are at the moment? It may not always be so. Nothing will stop such feelings occurring, but we need be kind to ourselves and not create a battleground in our minds.
I do appreciate how difficult this can be, but in accepting and letting time pass we do all we can do to help ourselves. I have gone out with friends and tried to ‘have a good time’ but returned to an empty house which is very painful.
Like everything in bereavement we need be ready to do it. We should not try and force things. In the beginning I thought I would never recover. After 10 months I am sure I will. But not yet. There are chinks of light that do get a bit brighter as time passes.
Of course, nothing will ever be the same, but how could it be. We need accept even that.
The feeling of fear, of some impending doom is apprehension. Another anxiety symptom. The future may look bleak. We have been hit hard and we are in a trauma. It’s to be expected that these symptoms will arise. Changing homes may be a mistake, but making major decisions while in grief is not advisable. Unfortunately, wherever we go we take ourselves with us. The memories may seem to be in the home, but are in our minds. Nothing can change that.
Take care of yourself. Pace yourself from day to day. Take it easy. Hugs.

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Hi Jen, I have experienced this, I think we have a nice time doing something & just for seconds were happy again & then the black cloud of grief comes down and overwhelmes us with huge feelings of sadness & anxiety, and it’s as if we’re bavk to day one, what I’ve been doing at times like this to go back to bed we’re its comfortable and safe with a book. I start to read & will often fall asleep as I’ll be exhausted with the crying and when I wake the anxiety has eased, also something else I find it helping, is that when I go out I leave the TV on, so when I return there is noise rather then facing that awful silence of an empty home, also another thing I find it difficult sitting in my place on the sofa & seeing the empty space next to me where my husband used to sit so i have started to sit where he used to sit, I think it helps for 2 reasons, one I am sitting where he did for closeness two if I am sitting there I am not so conscious of the empty space next to me.

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Hello. I’m 3 months in to losing my gorgeous mum and best friend. I can completely relate to all these comments. I have changed, my world has changed. My bereavement counsellor is trying to help me adjust to my ‘ new normal ‘ I can’t go back to my normal as that’s gone, so I’m just going moment by moment in this new strange world known as my life, I don’t recognise it but in time I hope I can accept it. No one told me grief felt so like fear, everything frightens me now, very weird as I was ok before this huge loss. I’m so sorry there are so many of us feeling this way, it’s dreadfully isolating but you’re not alone… here’s to healing x

You are going at it, way too early. you have had a significant loss and you are acting like you can just brush it off. I am not being harsh, but I recall trying to get myself to get back to lap swimming, weeks or days, after my mom died.

the only place, and the only people, I was comfortable around were the people in my loss support group.

we were on an island, together, experiencing the same devastation, and these complete strangers were the only people I wanted to be with.

even “regular” folk, (most people have lost someone) I could not relate to, because their losses were so long ago.

I was happier alone … though some people would ignorantly say that is not healthy. they are wrong. you are the walking wounded and you need to heal, for awhile, before rejoining the “real” world.

just what I have experienced …

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