It’s two weeks today since I lost my beautiful man. I am in total disbelief and feel robbed of our future. My partner and I was together for 18 years, we met when I was 19, so he is all I have known for my whole adult life. Life was great up untill 2 months ago. We really loved each other, he was my favourite person and it was always me and him. We just got each other, he was so kind and caring and made it known that I was his world. My partner was fit and healthy working a good physical job, he didn’t smoke and only drank on an odd occasion. He started to feel a bit off in February with stomach pains, we went to a&e, he was admitted to hospital to run tests. He was diagnosed with wide spread cancer 6.5 weeks into his stay. We were told he had weeks to live on the Wednesday. We managed to get him home on the Saturday evening and he died on Sunday morning. It was just so cruel.
I don’t know how I’ll live my life without him. We had so many plans. I miss everyday things, like him kissing me on my head when he left for work at 5am. His constant texts during the day on his breaks and way home from work. Everything single thing brings my mind back to my Andrew. We really did life together, it was always me and Andrew against the world.
We didn’t know how poorly Andrew was untill days before he died we were both so shocked. He was massively let down by being mis diagnosised.
I feel robbed of our future and I don’t want to be alone forever but I don’t want anyone else but my Andrew.
I have a good job but currently I’m on sick leave because I feel so heartbroken and unsure how to be me without my other half. I feel so anxious and lost, usually I’m very confident. I am not sure what’s an acceptable amount of time to take of work and I dread my staff asking questions because I feel so vulnerable and due to my position, I need to be professional and can’t be breaking down at work.
I cherish our life together but I can’t see how I will feel like me again, he is all I have known. We literally loved our life together and was so close, he was my soulmate.
I also struggle to understand were he is and if he is ok, as I would hate for him to be lost and lonely.
For anyone else going through this, I am sorry for your loss and hope you have support around you.
I’m so sorry for your loss
Everything is so raw and painful. Work is the last thing to be worrying about right now. There are no timescales. Think about yourself and give yourself the time you need.
When you feel it’s right, speak to HR, tell them what you need and expect from colleagues to support you and work out a phased return.
I’ve been back 4 weeks and still can’t talk to prospective customers… I’m very lucky to have a boss that understands, hopefully yours will too.
I also worry about Nigel, what he felt, where he went, is free of pain, did I do enough, is he with his mum and dad…
You will find your way…perhaps not the way that you had planned together…but at some point you’ll find your own way with the comfort of knowing you’ve had that love and support from someone who loves you.
Keep talking!
Hugs
Oh @Katyh i truly feel for you. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I too worry that Roger is ok and not lost and lonely did I do all I could…
Like you we only had a short time to come to terms with the diagnosis, we didn’t, but we had longer than you, maybe its never enough time to come to accept it.
Please dont worry about going back to work, its very early days. Like you we cherished one another and now that life has gone, now we have to try and make a new one. But I don’t know yet how to do that. One step at a time one day at a time is all I can do.
Please take any support you are offered and please keep posting on this forum. We all understand because we’re all going through this horrendous journey together
Take care
Big hugs
This is just terrible. Unbelievable that it took them so long to diagnose him.
You must speak with work and tell them you are not ready to come back. They should be understanding, and if not speak to your GP as they could potentially sign you off. This isn’t something that I did but was offered, albeit in a different situation.
Take one step at a time. Relish small victories, and remember he would want you to be strong for you both.
@Liro
Thank you for your reply. I am sorry for your loss, it’s truly devastating
Its just so shocking and cruel.
I suppose in time we will learn how to cope with such losses. It sounds really silly but I struggle to understand my purpose now, it’s like I don’t know what to do or who I am, as before I was always sure.
Not at all, I’ve been off work since she was given a 4-6 week lifespan on March 8th. I didn’t get signed off, my work suggested I take the time off, given the terminal prognosis which was very kind of them. I go back in a few weeks.
You do have purpose now, just a new one. I’m still struggling to get on with my life, but I’m sure eventually I’ll get used to a new normal. I won’t like it but I suppose in the end we have to accept it. Our partners would not have wanted us to be struggling like this. I promised mine I’d be ok. So far I’m not keeping that promise but its what keeps me going, and trying to move on.
That’s a good way to see the future. Of course our partners would want us to be happy and live a fulfilled life. I without a doubt would want that if it was the other way round. It sounds so dramatic but I would have preferred it to be the other way around, but then I wouldn’t want him to be sad and living life without me. I suppose there’s is no right or wrong way of feeling. Only time can help.
Im thinking of seeing a medium to check in from “the other side” not sure if that would help but I’d just like to know he is well and content.
It is such a devastating change to our lives and one we never wanted.
Many things make us who we are and see ourselves. Our personality, our likes and dislikes and so on.
The same is true of people, especially our loved ones and in particular our spouses or partners. We not only have our individual roles in the relationship but we have joint roles, going to places or visiting others as a couple. We also probably see ourselves as one.
These have been wrenched away from us.
I totally understand how you feel, I am only a few weeks a head of you in this distressing world.
Hopefully in time we can adjust to the new us. It’s just so confusing, unexpected and unimaginable how life can go on after loosing such a huge part of our lifes.
Im so sorry for your loss Katyh, nearly 20 years with him, basically your ‘youth’, and then cruelly and quickly taken.
Much like you i cant comprehend it, the plans made are just torn to pieces. We are supposed to be on a 2 week holiday out in Turkey as a family today, but instead im here posting about my loss and my sons loss. I just keep blaming myself, maybe i should have taken it more seriously, maybe i should have just called an ambulance for her behind her back or just insisted that one come on that saturday. But instead we went to the hospital and she didnt want to wait at the hospital. I just wish i wasnt ill myself at the time, and my son too. Maybe id have taken it more seriously, i didnt know she’d developed pneumonia. I hate myself and i hate my life. I knew she was very unwell, we all were, but pneumonia never even entered my mind. I just wish i could go back in time.
If it was you that had passed and not your partner what would you say to her?
I think it’s natural to feel quilt but if we are being honest, will it help us and could we actually have changed anything? Everything happens for a reason, which we may struggle to understand what that reason is.
Your partner was an adult and made decisions for herself, you are not accountable for how things turned out. You owe it to your partner and son to live for the two of you. Remember the good times and try not to be consumed around what could have been.
It’s the most horrendous and unsettling time loosing the love of your life, so be kind to yourself
I can relate to a lot of your story The small things like texting during the day.
Also the misdiagnosis
Suzy didn’t deserve what she went through and the NHS were useless .
I wouldn’t worry about work.
I went back after 3 days which will probably seem nuts. However I needed to get some respite from my own thoughts and that was at work.
I am really lucky with a wide group of friends who keep me occupied.
However you have to come home after a night out and that’s when it hits.
Weekends are bad to say the least. It’s not having someone to do nothing with I miss along with her love and support. Feel so alone when alone.
The only people that really get what we are going through are on here.
I suppose we all think now what?
Where do I go from here ? Don’t really want to go on without them…
The much used and well meant comment of it will take time doesn’t cut it
As though it’s a race to get through it.
She’s my last thought before sleep , the only real respite, and my first after waking. And she always fills my thoughts on those times I’m not occupied
elsewhere. The pain never goes.
Yes it’s the everyday normalities that I miss most, the what we having for tea, the texts of can’t wait to get home for a snuggle, what shall we do at the weekend, can’t wait to see you, love you, shall we have an early night and watch a movie. It’s like your whole cosy world has been ripped apart.
It all feels surreal at the moment, it really does. Bad things don’t happen to us, we hear horror stories about other people but we are always ok, except up untill now.
I’ve a really good supportive family but it’s just not the same as being with your person. I keep looking through old messages and find it helps to text him my thoughts and feelings.
If love could have saved him, he would have lived forever.
I hope your managing as well as you can giving the heart wrenching circumstances. I am surprised how talking on this forum to complete strangers helps bizarrely. I am usually quite private.
Ps yes I agree it’s nuts to go back to work 3 days after, you must be so brave.
I loved your first para. That brought back so much.
As for brave not really Pam. I tend to compartmentalise so live in the moment of what I’m doing and that gives some respite However it’s one when is doing nothing the thoughts flood in an overwhelm.
It’s a massive help this chat and I hope it helps you. It does me.
Not to know others are suffering of course but to realise your thoughts and feelings are common across all of us. Helps us realise we aren’t alone in those thoughts x
