@Yorkie247
Hello Yorkie247
I am so very sorry for the sad loss of your lovely wife.
Reading your post, I felt and recognised the very deep level of sadness and despair that you describe.
It sounds like your worlds revolved around each other and now that your dear wife has sadly passed, the sadness, emptiness and loneliness that you are left with feel overwhelming and unbearable.
My darling partner and soulmate of 20 years, who sadly passed away with cancer, aged 58 years old, just 2 weeks ago. He was my world and I was his and we were so very happy together… just us.
There is no way that I could ever have prepared myself for the intense grief, emptiness and loneliness that I am now left with. My heart was ripped out that day and my life obliterated.
It’s good that you’re having therapy sessions arranged by your GP and hopefully they will be of some benefit. Please try and make the most of those.
Life has changed forever, for you, for me, and for everyone on this awful and horrible grief journey. But, as difficult, painful and lonely as it is, your lovely wife would want you to carry on living your life in her honour, somehow… someway, to get through each day, one day at a time, and one step in front of the other.
I know how difficult that is, easier said than done. Since my darling soulmate passed away, I have been experiencing panic and anxiety attacks, hopelessness, loneliness and everything appears so pointless. I can barely function in the most basic way and I have lost a lot of weight, but I know that I have to keep going. I don’t know how to do that either, but, somehow… someway, I know that I have to.
I owe it to my darling soulmate. He endured so much suffering with the cancer/treatments/side effects, but fought so bravely and so courageously, he fought like a lion, tooth and nail… to live… to remain with me in this life.
Please know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. There are so many lovely people on this forum going through the same or similar to you and me.
Please keep posting on here. You will be given support.
I suppose as difficult as ‘today’ might be, somehow, we have to hold on to hope for ‘tomorrow’ for the sake of our precious loved ones.
Sending you love, hugs and strength, Eve xx
Thank you for your kind words. I’m truly sorry for your loss. Though the pain of separation is great, I hold onto faith and the hope that one day I’ll be reunited with my beloved wife in God’s eternal presence.
@Yorkie247
I am so sorry for your loss and can feel the pain you are suffering in every word.
All the emotions you describe I recognise, that is my life since I lost my soulmate.
I have become more spiritual since her loss and was particularly interested in your consultation with the medium. I haven’t visited a medium but would certainly consider it.
I believe my wife is still with me and talk to her every day. I feel she sends me little messages which enable me to function on a day to day basis. I was reading an online newspaper review of a new book called Angels Are With You Now which had attracted my attention. After reading the review I ordered the book, advertising works doesn’t it!
The book was an easy read and the author clearly has psychic powers. I think my wife intended me to read that book because it set in motion a train of thought that has at least made my life bearable.
What I understood from the book was that we have Guardian Angels who are very keen to communicate with us and help us. You can establish contact by thanking them for your blessings. Well, OK, that was a bit of a stretch for my mind in turmoil, but I gave it a try. I started with the basics such as having a home and being able to afford to heat it. I also had enough to eat even though I’m never hungry.
Eventually I came to my 48 year marriage, was that a blessing? Of course it was! Would I have got married if had known at the outset about the grief I have now? Of course I would! So there it was in plain sight my golden blessing. This one thought has had a profound impact on my life.
My wife had often said that she wouldn’t have been able to manage if anything happened to me. So is being the one left behind also a blessing? I must admit it doesn’t feel like it, but at the same time I’ve saved her all the grief of bereavement and I take pride in carrying that responsibility for her. It must be a blessing.
Shortly after the ‘counting’ nice things happened. My cousin rang to see how I was, a neighbour invited me in for a cup of tea and a chat. Just small ‘coincidences’ that made life more tolerable.
Thanking Angels or just counting your blessings helps me get through the day. I still have my melt downs but it’s usually when I’ve forgotten to count.
I hope this helps Yorkie247
Above all take your wife’s advice and look after yourself.
Yorkie247 l am so sorry for your loss and I know how hard it is to be on your own now. I struggle with the fact that I held my partners hand and watched his face as he passed. I admire you for going to a medium as it is something I think I would like to do but am just not sure yet. I also did try grief counselling but it wasn’t the right thing for me at the time but I am on the waiting list to try it again. I also am glad in a way that my partner went first because I wouldn’t have wanted him to live through what I live through every second of every day. People don’t understand what I mean when I have said that because they say he would have coped but he used to be scared to the extent that if I went out to the shop he would ring me every five minutes to check I was okay because he was scared of something happening to me and leaving him alone. I lost him 2 years ago but it still feels like yesterday but I know when he is ready he will come for me but it’s hard knowing I have to keep going until then. I suppose in a way that I want him to be proud of me for managing without him but it’s hard to keep going without him.
I hope you keep coming back to this site because it helps to either post or just read and you will find you are not alone.
Take care of yourself
Hello Rjay.
How are things. I have been reading your posts about Guardian Angels and how you count blessings. I sat here last night and tried to do that and I realised I have many blessings. The biggest one was actually having my partner for 25years before he died.
I’m also very interested in the posts about mediums. I am going to think about that while I’m away and see how I think when I get home.
I’m packing and ready for my break now with just the decision of my comfortable shoes are not waterproof so do I go for comfort and pray it doesn’t rain or do I go for uncomfortable and not walk too far or maybe take a couple of books out and take both
Take care
Hello Mini1
I’m glad you found my post helpful. I’ve made the point before on this website and often I forget ‘to count’ myself, but it always helps when I come back to it. Counting blessings just seems to re- establish the fragile links with my wife and whatever Angels I can muster.
The author of the book says it’s no use presenting the Angels with shopping lists of requests, it doesn’t work like that. They are positive entities and they like a positive attitude. If you can demonstrate gratitude they will bring you something nice. I realise a positive attitude in our situation is quite an ask but if, you can muster the energy it’s quite addictive.
I’m hot and exhausted! Grief saps energy from mind and body but this heat just finishes me off. I wanted to pay a bill today but couldn’t face internet banking and the infernal PIN machine, so used telephone banking instead which was a joy in its simplicity.
Hello Mini1
It’s me again. I hit the wrong button and posted before I was ready!
I can’t really help with your decision on shoes. Personally I would consult Accuweather to try and decide the likely weather and work from there😊
I hope you have a lovely few days away. A change of scene will be refreshing and relaxing, just what you need.
Don’t forget to let us know how you got on.
Did you sort the screen problem out on your iPad the other day?
Take care.
Hello Rjay.
I think you are very good doing telephone banking. I am actually one of the people who don’t understand that or get muddled with internet banking and I either go into the bank or ring my brother who has access to my bank account and does it for me. I was scammed and am a bit worried about it now. I
I am a bit cooler now but it was so hot yesterday I was advised not to go to the crematorium so I actually rang my cousin who I had argued with. I was thinking of what you said that they might be valuable. I am going out for a meal with her next week and I did make the point in saying I’m not interested in anyone else but I would like her friendship and I think she understood. It’s tomorrow you go out with your cousin isn’t it?
The shoe situation is resolved. I will go for comfort.
Take care
Hello Mini1
Banking is a problem because all the High Street branches are closing and it’s difficult travelling any distance to a branch with an arthritic hip. I only came to internet banking under protest! I don’t blame you being cautious having been scammed.
You see television programmes about scammers and they are all desperate to get remote access to your computer or smartphone so they can empty your bank account. When I get a scam call I like to have a bit of fun with them and waste their time on the basis that while they are talking to me they aren’t scamming some other poor souls.
I decided not to have a ready meal tonight because the oven wasn’t going to improve the temperature. I had forgotten however that on hot days, living at the top of a hill, we tend to loose the water supply from about 6:30 until 9:00pm because all the new houses like to water their gardens. I just got the salad washed in time!
I am so pleased you have made it up with your cousin. I’m sure her heart is in the right place it’s just she hasn’t walked in our shoes.
When I used to commute to work by train I had a regular taxi driver meet me at the station to take me the last 4 miles. He sadly lost his wife and he was always telling me about relatives plotting to match him up with a suitable companion. He used to get angry about it and always said “I don’t want or need anyone else”. I understood his point of view because I could imagine what it would be like to lose my precious wife, but perhaps that’s just me.
I think comfortable shoes are the sensible choice. If it’s raining you can stay in and read one of your books!
Yes, tomorrow afternoon my wife’s cousin and her daughter are stopping by to take me out for coffee and cake. Think of me eating my cake and I will think of you on your train!
Take care.
Hello Rjay
I thought I was having tuna salad tonight but it wasn’t until I had eaten it I found the tin of tuna on the counter. I thought something was missing. I have just ended up looking through all my photos I only started because I always take one of my partner to put by the bed. Big mistake to start looking I should have just put the one I have by my bed now. Now I’m feeling sad because he’s not with me. It’s something that we all feel I’m sure.
I’m planning on the cake as soon as I get there but you enjoy yours earlier than I will.
Take care
Hello Mini1
Forgetting to add the fish to the salad is a serious oversight, I at least did remember to add the salmon!
I know what you mean about photos they really put your emotions through the wringer. Especially family group photos that include lost loved ones, you start counting the spaces.
As I said before, I don’t have that many pictures of my wife because she always liked to be prepared, so when I find one it’s such a bitter sweet moment. I’m excited to have found it but, especially if it was taken a few years ago, I’m then reminded of happy times that I would love to go back to.
Good job they haven’t invented time machines, we would never know where we were!
Have a good evening.
I’m sorry for not being on here for a while, but I am now back under my doctor’s care for counselling and one-to-one talks.
Whether you believe in the afterlife or not, I found it a great help. The downside is that it makes you want to be there with the person you love.
I have started to send some of my wife’s clothes to a cancer charity, but some of my family think it is too soon for that.
I am not giving up on her, just remove the clothing.
She will always be in my heart and I will always keep our rings of love together no matter what.
I just whant to be loved again, If I had the power I would turn th clock back and live it all over again but with some changes ( like all the mistakes I made)
No one is perfect but for me my wife was 99% there for me.
I do miss you Mal so much it hurts!
@Yorkie247
It’s absolutely OK for not being on here for a while. That’s the beauty and whole point of this website. You are free to come on and comment when you feel able.
I know what you mean about wanting to be with her, I feel the same. Sadly though it’s not our turn and we are still here because we still have things to achieve in this life. I think we can literally say that God knows what they are!
I’ve just read ‘Life After Life’ by Raymond Moody and, if you want a well researched opinion about Near Death Experiences, it’s a good read. It’s all a question of faith, but I found it reassuring because the next life looks like a happy place and time there seems irrelevant. So although our days here on earth alone feel interminable for us, to our loved ones it is nothing more than a slight glitch before we are reunited. In the mean time I’m sure they are looking after us.
I have no magic solutions, I just get through each day as best I can. Each night I say good night to my wife and tick another day off the life sentence until I see her again.
Look after yourself Yorkie247, there are no rules for dealing with this grief. Take everything at your own pace and, if you can, keep posting on this website.
Hello Yorkie247
I’m glad you are getting help with counselling and one to one.
I have read so much about the afterlife and found a telephone channel about it. It does make you want to be there but in one of the books I read it was about someone coming to fetch you. I know that when my partner is ready for me he will come until then I have to get by without him.
I also wish I could turn back the time. I wouldn’t want him to suffer but I would listen to him and I wouldn’t persuade him to go to the hospital. I had cared for him and I could have carried on caring for him at home. That’s the hardest thing about it because I knew he had been in hospital so often for the same thing. I just didn’t think it was going to be any different. We just can’t turn the clock back. I would be first in the queue if we could.
I have his jewellery that he always wore and I will never get rid of the treasures of his I have. His panda that I can’t repair because it is so old and delicate has an outfit now holding him together.
Keep posting here when you feel able we all understand.
Look after yourself
Thank you, I just found the book and added it to my basket on Amazon.
Ready you comment , I don’t know why but it made me cry
Thank you.
Today I started sorting through my wife’s old shoes—some went to the bin, others to charity. I also gathered some of her coats. One of her sisters took a few, but most will be donated.
It’s been over seven months now since she passed, and my family still doesn’t understand why I’m choosing to give away her clothes. But for me, it’s not about what she wore—it’s something deeper, though I can’t quite put it into words.
All I know is this: as long as I have her ring and mine together, we are still together.
Thank you, I will be speaking to the counsellor today, and I will see how it goes.
Hello Yorkie247
I was just wondering how you were doing and whether the counselling is helping you at all. Don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not feeling up to it. Look after yourself and remember we are all here for you 
I don’t feel like this has helped me at all. I feel lost and alone in the world.
I just want someone to love me again.
It seems like no one truly understands what it means to love and be loved.
I’m 63 years old, and I miss my wife more than I could ever put into words. But I also long to walk beside someone, to hold their hand—someone who loves me and whom I can love in return.
It may sound selfish, but I miss the closeness, the connection, and the comfort of knowing that love goes both ways.