feeling very lonely,

my first time on here so not sure how things work, i lost my beloved husband 2 years today after 3 years battle with cancer, my pain is very raw still, i have grown up children and grandchildren yet my life is just empty, i have no friends anymore people carry on with there life but we stand still, im hoping on here to find people to talk to who no unfortunatley how i feel, sending hug to all,

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Hi Chelsea I lost my husband 2 years on the 3rd July so know how you feel, time does stand still for us while everyone else gets on with happy family lives, I also have three grown up children and four lovely grandkids and I love them all to bits, but I’m so very lonely even when I’m surrounded by them all, sending you hugs xx

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Sorry for your sad loss.
I also lost my husband to cancer in June
It is still so Raw hard to accept he has left me and my children and granddaughter’s.
I cared for him from diagnosis I witnessed him dying which was awful just awful. Life is empty I never see anyone hardly so I’ve decided to get back to work or I fear I will loose it
Sending love

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Thank you for your reply, I’m finding life very hard, ling days and even longer night’s, I was my husband’s sole carer so you loose everyone, I don’t work try to walk every day when u can be bothered, sending hugs to you x

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Hello Chelsea

I am so sorry for your loss
I feel the same
It has been 3 years this month that the love of my life died suddenly
Im i any better ?
Being honest NO
I have learnt to just put a brave face on

Family friends have moved on living their life they don’t understand that your heart is broken
It’s been 3 years I should be over him
Be out meeting someone new !!!
The problem is when you have loved someone that much you can’t just get over them
I watched a tv series on Netflix called After Life with Ricky Gervais I cried and cried
It is exactly how I feel and probably how we all feel on this site
My only comfort is he is not going through this pain as I would not wish this on anyone
Life will never be the same for a lot of us
I try and keep myself busy as it’s when I’m on my own I think and reflect on how much I miss him
I don’t always come on this site as it does make me sad hearing about everyone’s loss
But it is nice to share our thoughts and feelings
It lets you know you are not the only person feeling like this
I wish you all the best Chelsea
Sending my love
Xx

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Dear Chelsea. I know exactly how you feel I lost my husband 14 months ago to covid pneumonia and I still feel so lonely without him I have 4 children and 6 grandkids with another on the way but as you say even when you are with them you still feel so lonely. I don’t have any friends anymore they are all getting on with there lives . People seem to think I should be over it by now but how can you when you have loved that person for 40yrs . Sending you love. X

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Jen,
You never get over it , such a silly thing to say to anyone . Take care x

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Yes, you are right. I lost my husband almost 2 years ago. Even though the pain is not as acute as it was
there is no such things as getting over, moving on, or letting go. We have to learn to live with it.

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We never get over it, a pain we have to live with, I feel a big emptiness inside, it’s my second marriage we have no children together, all my children think I should be over it, they don’t understand I can’t get over it, sending hugs to you x

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Hello Chelsea

I’m new to this sort of thing, but I share the same feelings. What is even worse is that I seem to be amongst the very few men that have lost a loved one. In my case, my childhood sweetheart wife of 38 years, but I have known her for 47.

She was a normal healthy fun loving girl that didn’t smoke, drink had a healthy diet, no illnesses or tablets for anything, but one day she collapsed shortly getting out of bed and had 3 cardiac arrests in front of me. Luckily I was an ex first aider and managed to keep her alive until the professionals and air ambulance got to us. She was put into a coma and carted off in an ambulance with the last words from the Dr being, give her a kiss as she might not make it. I wasn’t allowed to go with her so had to watch her go for all I knew, the last time.

Well she made it but unbeknownst to all of us she had a rare cancer called Cholangiocarcinoma or bile duct cancer, that goes undetected until basically it’s too late. The cancer affects the blood and makes it clot, the cause of her cardiac arrests.

This cancer has no cure, can’t be operated on, except in a very few cases or transplanted.

She was given 3 months to live and lasted 6 but died in my arms with her family around her last September.

Since then I have struggled with all aspects of life from learning how to cook, shop, run a house, bills, wash clothes etc, as well as deal with all the things that have to be sorted legally.

Losing someone you are so in love with and by all accounts was a perfect marriage, from those that knew us, was tragic to say the least. All our plans lay in tatters, Covid prevented the family from giving her the send off she deserved. Grieving in isolation in an empty house, that is silent, no one to talk to, going to bed on my own, well, I don’t, insomnia has sorted that out. More often I’m asleep on the dining room table. I don’t watch TV, I listen to music, but is full of reminders. Pictures of all our adventures surround me, half finished hobbies lie waiting for her return. It’s just like she has popped out and do I wish I could open the door to her beautiful face, feel the loving embrace, the tender kiss, the smell of her perfume, the hand to hold that’s mine to hold and not the arm, cuddle or hand that is offered but borrowed.

So I know what you are going through, this living hell that is our norm, the day that we wake up to that is surrounded by people going about their business. My home is just a house, but it is my castle, it protects me from the outside world and reminders of the life we had, but inside it’s just so full of her even though it’s a comfort it is heartbreak in equal measure.

Do I have any remedies, no, do I mis her, yes every beat of my heart says that, she made me the man I am, but now I’m nothing without her by my side. We loved hard and the grief is hard. I could write pages on this, in fact I am. The chaplain asked me how we met “ I married my best friends sister” was my reply, I then told him about we were young and foolish, split up and got back together, even had an affair together whilst with other partners, until one day, when she was unwell and was being mis treated by her boyfriend, happened to find out what he had done. Well I went round her house and said enough was enough and took her back cave man style. The so called boyfriend put up a fight literally but was not going back on my word, a few bruises later the job was done, I gave my oath to her that I would honour and protect her forever and chose to sort out our differences in the name of love.

Well the Chaplain, a man of honesty and integrity, put his hand on his heart and said you have touched my heart with that story of true love and endurance. “ you need to write your story” so that’s what I have been doing. It’s in three volumes, the first takes us fro the day I asked to be my girlfriend through to the tragic end. The second is about my grief, the reason I’m on this chat, and the last, well I haven’t got there yet, it’s about hope.

It has been a great help to me writing about our story, and those that I have given bits to read have all said publish, well let’s see.

So after this long story, what I’m saying Chelsea is no matter what gets thrown at you there is always hope, nether of us can see it, but it is there. And in time we will find it. I don’t know what the answer is but sharing it amongst fellow sufferers is a help.

I just such a shame that I seem to be the only man sharing his loss, but behind all this grief that I have lies just a bloke, that has a broken heart, that has lost his way. I’m like a stray dog cowering under a bush, wishing he could find his master and looking anxiously at every passer by hoping that he will be found and taken back to his family.

So I feel for you and all the other lost souls using this site. I do understand and probably because I was taught how to love by my beautiful sweetheart I’m brave enough to share the heartbreak from a loyal husbands point of view.

So if there are any other men out there, don’t be brave, now is not the time for a stiff upper lip, we are all in the same boat. We are lost but still in love with the person we can never hold.

I wish you all the very best Chelsea, god bless you and just hang in there, you are not alone in the way you feel. We all feel the same and we can all help each other I’m sure.

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Beautifully explained Mike - no wonder you are writing about it all, you do it very well. There are more men on the site, they maybe haven’t posted as much whilst you’ve been on. I’m sure you’ll see posts from them soon!

Thank you Jules

It’s easy to write about a wonderful life, but hard to write about the life at the end and what I’m going through. But, it’s important to remember that I’m not the only one, I have family feeling the loss as well and a wider community. It’s an inevitable journey we will all go on at some time, and we in turn will be the subject of the grief of others. We just need to offer support and graciously receive it in return. Just knowing that we are not alone when it comes to grieving helps and in time will help me understand what I am going through and maybe by sharing my thoughts and feelings may be of help to others. It’s our job to share what we had as a living memorial to the life and the love we lost.

I think it’s a Disney film called Coco that sums it up the best, if we let the memory of our love die, the spirit that lives in the immortal world will die. So keep the memory alive, keep pictures in view, and speak to children friends and family about how wonderful he or she was. I wear her wedding ring and have a small tube with a lock of her hair around my neck. Where I go she goes and always will.

Sometime in the future I plan to have a tattoo personal to us, nothing cheesy, a simple compass with a Latin verse. She has always steered me through life and she will be my compass until our souls collide in the immortal world.

Let’s hope we can help each other and always cherish what we have.

It is the Disney Film Coco with the theme tune ‘Remember me’. Our eldest grandson watches it constantly but it brings tears to my eyes because as you say it is so appropriate for the sad circumstances we find ourselves in and the desire to keep our loved one’s memory alive when the world seems to have forgotten them too quickly.

I have a ring made from his ashes and I wear his wedding ring with mine. His ring is only slightly larger than mine so it sort of entwines with mine - very apt. My husband’s company were kind enough to put together and print a book of remembrance for us. It contains photos from work and messages from many of his colleagues. It was very hard to read but a lovely tribute to him. I just wish he was here to see how much he meant to so many people.

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That so true, the world goes on but not for us. I started a charitable cause, so I have a reason to fly her flag and keep her memory going to a wider audience. We have been in the paper and won an award for what we are doing to raise awareness.
Her memory will live for ever.

It’s hard doing what we do, but it’s to save lives instead of losing them. I can’t let her sacrifice be in vain.

By the way, coco makes me cry, but that’s because I love my wife even though she can’t be with me.

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That song brings tears falling, I tried to write things down but it hurt to much, maybe I could try again, I hope we can all get some comfort on here being able to talk with people who understand how we feel, sending hugs to you x

That’s so nice, to have that very personal item with you at all times. My wife used to paint stones and she painted a little flower on a stone with the words I love you. When she went into hospital I gave it back with words of my own on the reverse. I know carry this with me. A talisman of sorts.

We must do what is comforting to us mustn’t we.

Hi Chelsea

Lots of things will trigger emotions, I don’t fight them but embrace them. They are things that show how much we love and mis them.

The pain you we feel in our heart is the amount that we loved.

The other day I was sitting drinking a cuppa and got a strong waft of perfume, I just said is that you? And cried, I will not dismiss it as a chance thing, I accepted it as my wife washing over me and why not.

That must of been a special and lovely moment for you, and lovely to have the stone she made for you, do you manage to watch tv, I find I can’t keep my concentration to watch a programme or listen to music, sending hugs to you x

Hi Chelsea

No I can’t watch TV, well not that often. It used to be on in the evenings, my wife liked all the soaps and home and away. We like the historical and crime type programmes. But since September, I don’t watch much. Maybe the odd Netflix programme but half hearted.

I live out of a few rooms as well. Don’t sit in the living room only use the dining room, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom, and I avoid that as much as I can.

I lay on the settee in the conservatory listening to music through my headphones most of the time.

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