My husband passed at home in my arms in bed, I couldn’t go into my bedroom for 16months only to get dressed, I couldn’t sleep in the bed slept on sofa, I could just see how ill he was every time o walked in there, he spent 10 months in bed so poorly, I do manage sometime to sleep in bed but never a full night, so I no how you feel about different rooms, sending hug to you x
Oh I’m so sorry for you Chelsea, that’s awful. My wife had a hospital bed in the living room and I slept on the settee or a camp bed when she was at home. When I was in hospital, I slept in a chair next to her. I did 13 nights in one go. Played havoc with my legs. Had to wear compression socks as my legs swelled. But I would do anything just to be by her side. She was so scared. I used to wash her and tend to her every need, the poor nurses just struggled trying to keep on top of the jobs they had to do, so they let me do all those jobs. It was an honour.
The McMillan nurses asked if I wanted to volunteer there, I would but not yet, I couldn’t cope with it.
I’m not being rude or anything, but I hate going to bed on my own. I mis the warmth and just the fact that someone is there, not for any other reason.
I do go to bed for a few hours, but I’m an insomniac as a result of things. So exhaust myself do I just collapse for a few hours. When I wake up I get up.
I have redecorated the room to make it different, that helps and I have her ashes on her side of the bed. Just makes me feel a little closer.
Recently I have put a pillow in bed and when I make it in the morning, I spray a little perfume in there. It seems to help plus I take warm milk and honey to bed. That’s helping as well.
It is such a hard thing to deal with, both physically and mentally isn’t it.
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It is so hard, that’s what I do now, put a pillow there, his ashes are by the bed as well, it’s the emptiness that hurts, he wouldn’t let Macmillan near him some days, I cared for him with their guidance for 3 years, we did attemp to stay at hospice but he wouldn’t stay so we we carried on at home, I’ve bought a new bed and redecorated, but really I don’t think it helped, but as I said I can go to bed now just dosent last long, I put my ear phones in and try to listen to podcasts, hugs to you x
Hi Chelsea I lost my husband of 41 years together 5 months ago and we’ve no children only furbabies but I’ve never felt as lonely in my life.
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Om so sorry for your loss, the lonliness is such a hard thing to try and cope with, I’m ready struggling, people including my children think I should be over it, they don’t understand at all, I have radio on just to hear another voice not because I want to listen to it, sending you hug x
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That’s exactly what I do, tire myself out, head phones on say my prayers, not sure why, but I do, ask the angels to send me a sign and eventually drop off.
You were both very brave to go through that together and he must of felt comfort from the fact you were there. I saved my wife life on a number of occasions, and to part of the medical help while they got her heart going again was a trauma that still haunts me. I can’t get the flat line out my head, rapid and sustained CPR was why ultimately kept her alive, but it is brutal, and not something you ever want to do to your partner.
And all being done in our bedroom. So we both have demons to deal with with our rooms don’t we.
But having said that, I could have gone to work and come home to a different scenario altogether. So fate put me in the right place at the right time.
Looking at it in a different way, we had the honour of letting our loved ones pass in the knowledge that they were in the arms of the one they loved. They wouldn’t of had any other way, and we wouldn’t of wanted it either.
They entrusted the final selfless act to us, and we should be proud to say we did it and not be scared of it.
I saw so many people in hospital as I’m sure you did, were duty visits were done, and in the end they passed without anyone to allow them safe passage. Such a shame, but we were there to the end.
We did the right thing.
Virtual hugs to you. You sound a lovely lady.
Hi Shihtzu
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and situation. I hope you will find some help on this forum. I’ve only been on it for a couple of days and it is helping me, there are some lovely people on here, and we are all feeling the same.
You are not alone, we all understand and are going through the same.
Wishing you every kindness.
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Yes that is a good thing , we was there with them till the end, one thing that is very very clear is the noise he was making, I have never heard a noise like it and I hope I never will again, in our grief sometime we forget good things and constantly remember the bad and hurtful times, sending hugs to you x
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Yes I know exactly what you are talking about unfortunately.
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Sorry for your loss Shihtzu,
I hope being on here helps you as much as it continues to help me
James
Hi All
It’s been a tough day for me today, had to get out the house.
I joined a gym recently, the main reason was to lose some weight and get fitter for the endurance challenges that we are doing to raise awareness for the charity the family set up in memory of my lovely wife.
So that’s the reason but, I feel the need to punish myself for some reason. I get momentarily distraction from the life I have when I feel physical pain. To give an example, I started riding my push bike again after many years, just a few miles until I started to hurt. I have a picture of my wife on the handlebars, and when things hurt, I push myself further. Now I have to do 20+ miles to get the pain now. Another example is to do with the gym, I recognised that I was self harming in a way, so signed up to get purposeful but more importantly controlled exercise. As I say I went there yesterday, and the coach said, I will have to keep an eye on you. Although I have a programme to follow I’m doing the same, seeking the pain but just adding more and more weights until I physically can budge it. He was monitoring me and said you are so much fitter than most of people your age, that didn’t help, just gives me an excuse to push further. So they have told me that I can only go to the gym 3 times a week now. So I went yesterday, woke up this morning, no aches or pains so in the heat of today, cycled 20+ miles. Got home and now, it doesn’t feel like I have done anything. I just don’t seem to have limits, the gym coach says I will do some serious injury if I carry on.
But I don’t care. I’m in my 60’s so shouldn’t have all this energy and stamina, it’s like my wife is in me driving me along.
I have nothing to punish myself over, but it’s a distraction from the feelings I have.
One thing I do know, I am an affectionate man, and had a very affectionate marriage, this is now a problem, as I mis that, but can’t have it, probably never will, guilt, betrayal and the thought that if she is up there somewhere and would be judged if I ever stepped out of line. So I’m trying to drive that out of me, but it is changing me into someone I don’t like.
It’s a bit like a kid looking in the toy shop at the toys knowing they cannot ever have them.
So rather than torment myself, I keep away from people especially women. I have a lovely family and the girls often hold my arm, but it distresses me, I know they are comforting me, but it hurts so much. So I make excuses not to be around them. But they are my family! So why should I punish them, they are all grieving with the loss of a sister, mother and good friends.
So I beat myself up with pushing a physical pain threshold far beyond what should I be doing for a man of my age.
The doctor gave me clean bill of health apart from losing a bit of weight, by the way, so that’s a green light to carry on.
I deny myself the affection of family and friends by shutting myself in my castle.
I not going to do anything stupid, but I don’t know if I already am unknowingly.
So my questions are
Is this normal?
Is it a bloke thing?
How do I get through this phase?
Should I get help?
Any answers ???
Well I can’t tell you whether it’s a bloke thing as I’m not a bloke but I can say that my husband did a range of things to keep fit. I have a garage full of his weights and a rowing machine. He monitored his fitness levels very carefully and had done a sports science degree. He went out for a run, collapsed and died. We don’t know why (still waiting on the Coroner’s report) so please be careful. I’ve seen the devastation that it’s caused for my adult children and the shock for me has caused PTSD. I know that my husband would not have done anything to push it - he just wanted a long, healthy life with me. It didn’t work. Take care
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Sorry Jules
Didn’t mean to upset you or bring reality and sadness back more than you need by my ramblings. I will reign them in.
But warning taken on board of sorts.
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Jules4,
We have spoke very briefly so I am aware of your husband’s tragic and untimely death.
The irony is that fact he was health conscious and meticulous about fitness, he passed the way he did.
It may or may not be a source of comfort, but he died doing what he loved.
Given the opportunity, I would to.
Sorry again,
Take care
James
Is anyone here?
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Only insomniacs I’m afraid, with things on there mind. Just thinking about getting up and going for a walk. Won’t be long to the sun comes up here.
@Mikeh @Sammy74 hi mikeh hi Sammy I’m still up sleep doesn’t come easy anymore though I suppose I should try to sleep soon got to be up in 5 hours
It’s not a problem Mike, I just don’t want your family to suffer in the way that mine have. I don’t blame my husband one bit because I know that he would not have taken any risks, he would not have left us if he could have done anything to prevent it. I jus5 think that people need to realise that these things can happen and shatter your world and I would hate for your family to go through it when you have already lost your wonderful wife. It was just a ‘take care’ message really!
I don’t know - he died doing something that he enjoyed but he what he loved was being with his family and that was taken away from him. I hate the fact that he was trying his best to be fit and healthy and it took him from us.
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Chelsea, you are among friends on here and I am very pleased you found us. Yes, our friends seem to disappear when illnesses strikes and if the haven’t then when you are on your own and really need them they have gone. I think most of us are in agreement. It’s hard to start again and for some of use in possible plus the pandemic with lockdowns. I am hopeful that things will improve and some clubs and visiting may return which would give you a start down a new road. Many find a dog useful for getting out and talking to other dog owners, personally I have a cat and she controls me, yes really. She is company and always here when I have been out, so I don’t come home to an empty house. Others will tell you how they deal with being alone. Sending you big hugs and best wishes. S xx