Does anyone have this lingering feeling of guilt for enjoying a normal day because you feel if you move on, you are letting go of the one you love?
Here’s a list of some of the things that can make us feel we’re being disloyal to our loved one.
Laughing
Having fun
Making a big decision
Trying something new
Doing something for yourself
Starting a new relationship
Saying goodbye to the person’s clothes
Accepting an invitation
Changing something about yourself
Moving house
Taking holidays
Skipping a tradition
Forgetting a birthday
There’s lots of little disloyal moments. They interrupt the grief process because we think we’re being disloyal. But the truth is, disloyalty doesn’t live in the heart; it lives in the mind. Feeling disloyal doesn’t serve us or those who have died; it just gets in the way of healing.
Yes there is that guilt I feel it all the time I am 5 yrs in and his clothes are all still here here is a list
Going on holiday is a no no without him
Getting rid of his clothes how can I
Laughing feels so wrong
Getting invited anywhere still feels wrong
Starting a new relationship well I do not know how to do that and guilt would definitely kick in
I feel the list is endless how am I supposed to cope without him I do not go out anywhere now only supermarket for shopping cannot go to a pub for a meal or go to a club to see the people we used to see how do i do all that on my own I cannot even take myself to the seaside as I have no one to go with I never thought my life was going to be this hard without the love of my life I suppose I am just sitting at home waiting to go and be with him i always feel I can no longer talk to a man yesterday my gardener Adam came over and we had a chat about what we where going to do with my gardens I felt so guilty and ended up crying adam understood why he knows all about paul it was making plans without him and he is not here to see any of it I have resigned myself to bieng alone I will never have a companion to go out with especially male as I would have all this guilt that I was cheating on him and that us something I will never get past life is not that easy anymore is it
Some of those things affect me. I’m going to give my partner’s clothes to charity eventually but the thought of it upsets me. I’ve also had to get a gardiner as I just can’t manage the garden myself. He’s not as good as my partner was at maintaining it, so I feel guilty. I doubt If I’ll ever really move forward but I’m only six months into my grief journey. It’s been a long and winding road so far.
I feel guilty & disloyal about some of your suggestions. I am only 6 months in the emotional roller coaster of a journey. I am not ready for a new relationship. This year I will settle for days out . I would like to go on holiday at some point in the future. I think I will have a weekend away as it will feel very strange without my husband.
I never meant to make anyone feel uncomfortable i could never nor would.ever replace paul it is something I could never do it’s just.strange living here without him when you are trying to.get things done that.you never had the time for when he was alive like finishing of my bungalow I feel.so strange having to get strangers in to do things for me as for holidays that is something I will.never do as I will.just be stuck in the hotel all.night do not fancy that.at all so bieng on your own can be very daunting and scary at times oh how.i miss him especially this weekend my birthday and.there will be no.flowers no.card.no.meal out no spoiling me no nothing know very sad
You didn’t make uncomfortable , everyone is different in how they cope with their grief. As yet I am not sure how the holidays will work out . I wouldn’t like never to have another holiday.
I have not been on holiday now for 25yrs after paul.got his prostrate cancer which he did survive that was our last proper holiday we had weekends away at our caravan but it was not the same.as going abroad but we where saving our money to move into this bungalow as we needed it for paul and my wonderful dad helped us out giving us £20000 so we could buy it outright so.i know what you mean going without them is not the same if we all lived near one and other we could get a ladies club going and maybe holidays and days out would be nice as all widows together at least we would all have something in common
25 years is a long time to go without a holiday. Sometimes a change of scenery does us good. I sometimes wish I lived nearer the coast. As I often fancy walking along the beach .
When my wife died for a long time I sank into the grief/ guilt swamp, eventually with some sage advice I came to realise ( if you believe) god gave us life to live,happiness, laughter and yes love is out there,I kept my marriage vows right up to and including the last five words,I truly believe she is sat on her cloud looking down and wishing me well.
The best of luck and happiness to all those seeking happiness.
It is that but we had a plan that once his carers had sorted it all out we where all going to benidorm for a holiday I needed two carers with us to help so we where planning this before paul passed away then we never got the chance and I could not ask them to come with just me as I would have to.pay for it myself whereas paul had a.fund for all off that i cannot do any of that on my own which is horrible
Do I feel guilty? No, I truly do not.
I have met someone else, someone I love.
I would feel more guilty knowing that my son felt solely responsible for my happiness and the happiness of his sister.
I would feel guilty that my daughter had not much of a life at home with just me. She is quite seriously disabled.
I would feel guilty that I was wishing my life away, when many people would give anything to live.
I would feel guilty if I was using my new relationship to replicate what I have lost.
Life, and old age, is a privilege not everyone is granted. And, personally, I intend to wring every drop of happiness out of every day granted to me.
If there is life after death I don’t think either of my deceased husbands would resent me finding a new happy life. If there is just oblivion, well, it doesn’t matter.
Walk a mile in my shoes, then judge me.
It’s not the cards we are dealt, it’s how we play them.
And I make no apology.
Jane xx
Yes it was and it has made me feel.as if I was the one that.let him down I should have been.there I that hospital to stop.them doing what.they.did that.is.why I feel.this.guilty
@Willow112 what a lovely positive uplifting post , I hope I find my way soon as I just feel such sadness all the time, I have the 12 month anniversary approaching
My parents were great believers in living life to the fullest, my Dad kept repeatedly telling us to “enjoy life” before he went. I believe my parents would want me to find happiness and carry on living. I would feel more guilty for NOT rebuilding my life.
As for partners, when the first one passed, I got into a next relationship quite soon after (it ended, still friends). 20 years later, current partner is terminally ill and is already telling me to get out there and live life.
When he goes, I probably won’t get into another relationship too soon. Not out of disloyalty, but more out of giving myself time to work through the cumulative grief (both parents passing, now current partner about to go, in a very short space of time), it wouldn’t be fair on any new guy to deal with the aftermath …unless he’s a trained psychologist!
The way I navigate through those feelings, is to imagine YOU are the one who passed, and what would you want your loved ones left behind to do.
Me personally, I would want them to start living life quickly, if they have not cracked a silly joke at my funeral then I’ve not done my job! I would not want them to feel guilty about rebuilding their life.
If I get hit by the proverbial bus tomorrow, don’t even waste time and energy suing the driver! Just find happiness instead.
What a brilliant attitude you have,my partner and I have exactly the same thoughts, we both lost our spouses around the same time, humour and love developed, life is for living so squeeze every precious moment out of it.
I wish I had some of your confidence in doing that i always told paul if I went before him he was to find someone and he had my blessing and I know he wanted the same for me but my family well that’s something else they think I should just sit inside and never go out I feel that they think when paul passed away that I to was gone I am still alive and what is wrong with finding happiness again I just need confidence in myself and trust my own instincts not let them rule what is left of my life so if you can send me some confidence in trying then it is appreciated thank you
, I hope I find my way soon as I just feel such sadness all the time, I have the 12 month anniversary approaching 