feelings of suicide after a bereavement

There’s so many people on this forum who say they just want to die and be with their partner/husband/wife but do they actually tell anyone this. Some say, as I feel that they would like to commit suicide but they’re not that brave or some other reason. I have told one or two people how I feel, and have actually been asked this question also. They seem surprised and also things like you’re stronger than that. What is that supposed to mean. When your life has been turned every which way of course you don’t want to be here. When your family aren’t there for you at such a traumatising time why would you want to carry on. Life isn’t and never ever will be the same again. However many years down the line. If your family aren’t willing to help you or they haven’t a clue how to help you how are we supposed to get through it. If I had the guts I would have ended my life by now but I haven’t. The only way I suppose I would is if I lost my marbles, but its surely not a crime to be with the one you love. Don’t know what other peoples views on this are.

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You aren’t alone in those feelings, I think they are all part and parcel of grieving and wanting to be with the one you loved and still love.
The last few days I have been at a very low ebb, the thought of ending it all has frequently entered my mind, it’s not a question of having the guts to do it though, it’s whether we are weak enough. Suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness, almost everyone has friends or relatives who would then feel grief the way we do. It takes guts and strength to go on and deal with the pain not the other way round.
Coming here reading other people’s thoughts gives me comfort and I believe those we truly loved live on in us.
Yesterday I was feeling very low but while out walking I just happened to pass an event taking place here in Kent where a group were singing country music songs, the song was the same one I’d chosen for my partner’s mother at her memorial service. I was the only person in the room holding the hand of both of them when they passed two years apart.
You may think the songs might have been a coincidence but I believe it was a sign. The funeral service for my partner’s mother was held at a southern Baptist church in the USA and I happened to be at a spot in England at exactly the right time! Definitely not a coincidence but a sign when I needed one. It’s not the first one I’ve seen either. My partner and her mother made me a better person, they changed me so they live on in me. The people we have loved and lost live on in us, ending our own lives destroys even more of them.
Losing someone we love is the most devastating thing we ever deal with, only those who have been through it will understand, it hurts so much because we truly loved them.
Keep posting here, you not only help yourself but others who read it and are going through the same thing.

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My goodness, both of you. THANKS! I think most of us have felt like that at one time. But Carl, you are so right. It does take strength to deal with the opian and we wll have it. Courage is not given to just a few but so often remains hidden.
It may not be generally realised but the most courageous people I have met have been those in anxiety and all its associated horrors.
Anxiety is almost certain to occur in grief. The future is so uncertain. I always ask what would she have wanted for me, and it’s certain not to be miserable for ever.
It is said that when we are miserable and grieving our loved ones do too. Asking anyone in grief to make themselves happy is ridiculous. But after 10 months I find just a bit of light ahead.
My wife also made me a better person. Women often do that to men. Treasuring the happy monts and accepting the bad is what life is about. If we never knew opian how could we know happiness?

Hi Carl,
I think we will have to agree to disagree on suicide.
I don’ t think people who commit suicide shouldn’t be regarded as weak or selfish.
Often they don’t want to die they just can’t continue living the life they have been left with.

I’ve been told that most men who kill themselves have never sought help with their mental health and there are lots of reasons they haven’t.
Seeking help with mental health is still seen as a weakness despite recent campaigns.
Even when you decide to get help it’s difficult to know where to go to.
Doctors offer anti-depressants, a lot of bereaved people aren’t depressed,they’ve lost the most important person in their lives and and have no reason to live without them.
I can’t imagine people who commit suicide want their family and friends to suffer but they are suffering day and night with no end in sight.

Often there’s a long wait for counselling which helps some people to keep going but not others.

It’s very sad that there is such a stigma attached to suicide how can it possibly be an easy option for anyone ?
Losing my partner has totally destroyed me and my life and I struggle through everyday and night ,
why I’m struggling on I have no idea.
I am sure many people go on to " find a new life " ahead of them but some simply don’ t want to suffer for years in a life that is full of pain and has no meaning to them.
Everyone has a right to make a choice .
This site provides great support for so many people and it’s always good to read different points of view.Jx

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Correction to my post- it should read

I THINK people who commit suicide SHOULDN’T be regarded as weak or selfish ( not I don’t think)

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Thanks for the reply Dalejackie, our views on matters will always be different, I have first hand experience of dealing with the aftermath of a suicide, the story is too long for right now but it touches far more people than just the immediate circle.
The one thing everyone on this site has in common is we’re all grieving, reading views and thoughts from others helps us to deal with the pain, which in turn makes us less likely to harm ourselves.
I have no problem admitting the depression I’m feeling is a mental health issue, I’ve been there before I drank heavily and got into trouble for it. I’m older and wiser now and better equipped to deal with it in spite of the devastating loss of my partner and soulmate for more than 21 years. I have zero faith in the medical profession to help, it was partly their lack of care that led to the earlier death of my sweet Rhonda.
Reading the messages from other people here, attending church and trying to honour the memory of my sweetheart keeps me going. She was a nurse for 30 years, a kind, caring person who die

Thanks for the reply Dalejackie, our views on matters will always be different, I have first hand experience of dealing with the aftermath of a suicide, the story is too long for right now but it touches far more people than just the immediate circle.
The one thing everyone on this site has in common is we’re all grieving, reading views and thoughts from others helps us to deal with the pain, which in turn makes us less likely to harm ourselves.
I have no problem admitting the depression I’m feeling is a mental health issue, I’ve been there before I drank heavily and got into trouble for it. I’m older and wiser now and better equipped to deal with it in spite of the devastating loss of my partner and soulmate for more than 21 years. I have zero faith in the medical profession to help, it was partly their lack of care that led to the earlier death of my sweet Rhonda.
Reading the messages from other people here, attending church and trying to honour the memory of my sweetheart keeps me going. She was a nurse for 30 years, a kind, caring person who died too soon. I try to perform at least one good deed each day in her memory.

Apologies for the double post, I hate these phones and long for a proper keyboard again.

I agree with you my depression and suicidal thoughts are because I miss my soulmate so much, I want to be with her. I believe though the years we spent together makes her live on in me, she became part of me so if I were to act on my thoughts when I’m at the lowest point I’d also be taking what remains of her with me. Honouring her gives me the strength to carry on.
Her two grown up children lost their father to suicide and their mother to illness, even though we are now on separate continents I am the only living connection to their mother. I cannot hurt them any more, Rhonda would never forgive me.

I think the feeling of not wanting to be here in our own and wanting to be with our partners is more about wanting to get away from these horrible feelings … the loneliness, the missing their physical presence, the awful changes to our daily lives now we are on our own . We want to get away from feeling like that. My husband died 29th April … we had been married 43 years … he was diagnosed and died within four weeks. It was so shocked king … over the previous six years we lost both our sons as well. Now it’s just me. I just want to be with them … it’s a horrible feeling knowing they have all gone. Love to all here, Sue x

I know exactly what u are saying , I had a blip Day this week and told couple of people and they were completely shocked that I even felt like that

I’m like that today … my sons birthday today and husbands tomorrow… all seems so unbearable x

Hi Janet,

I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling so traumatised and don’t have any support from your family. It is not a crime to think about being with your partner - these sort of thoughts can be a very common part of bereavement, but it can be very difficult to talk about them.

I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You deserve care and support so please, Janet, get in touch with one of these services.

If you ever feel that you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,

Priscilla
Community Manager

I’m having a blip day as you call it, however most days are like this and its 20 months since I lost my husband and my life. I wonder what the point is. Every morning I wonder why I should get up. Whats the point. I have emailed he Samaritans, but that doesnt change the fact that I’ve lost my husband, my life,… my mind.
I dont know how to carry on, but I could not do anything to upset my daughers. Losing their Dad is enough.

It is coming up to 7 months since i lost my partner by cardiac arrest and i wish with all my heart i was with him. Life without him is no life at all.

Hi dalejackie

Having had serious clinical depression and acute anxiety over a 20yr period - but is kept in check through a drug called Citalopram - I’m now as stable as I’m likely to get. It’s a genetic illness passed down through my mother. I attemted suicide just once in the distant past and what I experienced was going into a trance like state that had been building up for days. My mind closed down and I felt nothing but a robotic need to just die and leave this awful world. Thoughts of those who are being left behind and will suffer themselves never enters my head because all feelings and thoughts go numb. They simply don’t exist. It becomes the most natural thing in the world to just bow out. There is almost an inner peace. I took the tablets and closed my eyes but then heard a voice. It said " Is it OK if you die now? " Suddenly I snapped out of it, opened my eyes and said NO! I called the ambulance and the rest is history. It’s a terrible shame my good friend and fellow policeman Roy didn’t get that that message. He hanged himself at home. Roy was in his late 30’s. and married with a young daughter.

Love and Light Geoff.

Hi … did you know the Samaritans have a text service too … 07725 909090. Somethings mes takes a while to get back to you but they always do. It’s good if, like me, you do t like phoning. My husband died 29th April after being diagnosed and dying within four weeks. It was shocking., I know that lonely feeling missing my soulmate like you are missing yours. Both our adult sons died within the last six years too so now it’s just me! I feel lonely in a crowd even I just hate it. Surely it will get a bit more bearable! I have three grandchildren and my parents are still alive so that stops me doing anything… life just seems so pointless right now.

I hope you start feeling better. Sending love from me, Sue xx

Dear Daisy Janet, I understand exactly how you feel but having seen how distraught my three children have been after their father passed away, I just couldn’t do that to them. The terrible feeling of loneliness, having to make all the decisions are beginning to take their toll on my health but I try to take each day as it come and achieve one thing a day. It maybe a pile of ironing or planting a tray of seeds for the garden. We just all have to try to keep going. It’s horrible.

Dear Daisy Janet, I understand exactly how you feel but having seen how distraught my three children have been after their father passed away, I just couldn’t do that to them. The terrible feeling of loneliness, having to make all the decisions are beginning to take their toll on my health but I try to take each day as it come and achieve one thing a day. It maybe a pile of ironing or planting a tray of seeds for the garden. We just all have to try to keep going. It’s horrible.

I can’t believe the lack of compassion I’m hearing for people who commit suicide. If anything, it should be towards the people who haven’t shown enough caring and understanding to the distressed one and even they might not have had enough insight to help. It is not an act of sefishness or about being weak or strong. In fact it is not a rational choice at all. Nobody in their right mind wants to end it all and die but when the pain becomes too great to bear and there is not the support to turn to, the balance of the mind becomes disturbed and people do not know what they are doing. It is the most dreadful place to be in and only people who have been there can truly understand. I wish you all well and hope that we can really learn to listen to and support people in their need.