Finding the loss of my husband so hard

Hello I am new here this is my first post.
I LOST MY husband on Christmas morning
He had COPD which is a progresive lung Illness
He was at home in a hospital bed for the last 3 weeks of his life
After being told no more could be done for him
He had been on home oxygen for over two years
He caught Covis while in hospital but got over that but it damaged his lungs more than they already were
We always wore Christmas jumpers on Christmas day
Had his a;ready for cares to put on him .
But I cam down from upstairs and he had passed away
I knew it would happen but still a shock feel so guilty
That I was not with him bit I am disabled myself and no room for another bed in the dining room
Couldnt have the Funeral until end of January
Miss him so much he was my rock
I have hospital appointments that I have to get to and everything is so dificult now
I have a daughter but she is Ill herself
Being housebound I had to learn to do online shopping
I just feel so lost without my husband
Keep looking for any sort of signs from him
But he didnt realy beleive in an afterlife

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Hi Sonia
This is not an easy path to travel but travel it we must. There will be good and bad moments then hours and sometines nearly a whole day. It stays in the gut like a trip to the dentist. I dont think we get over it we just learn to travel along with it but for now it feels like it will never end.
As for signs some say they get them others are still waiting longing to know their loved one is still around. There is a post on here regarding signs from loved ones.

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Very sorry to learn about your loss. Unfortunately grief is something nobody can ever prepare us for. In time, long time, we learn to live with it as the healing process is ever so slow. Sending you warm hugs!

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Thank you Till we meet again for your nice reply
Yes Grief is so hard I go to bed hoping I wont wake up
I just dont want to get out of bed in the mornings
My husbands birthday in a fe weeks
We always had cats dogs but have none cant really get a cat
Due to my Disabilty cant bend down so wouldnt be able to pick food bowls up
Sorry I am sounding really sorry for myself

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Thank you for the warm hugs Khanye

Yes I realise it takes a long time to grieve
Most appreciated

Hi Sonia you have every right to feel however you feel. Just go with it is all I can say.
I have a memory place in my garden and on his birthday and christmas we put something there.
Getting out of bed yes even now for me its still more having to than actually wanting to. But needs be and all that.
I just go with how I feel, if I am feeling very sad I wander off to be by myself. I am always hopefull for better days ahead.

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Hi Till we meet again A lovely Idea to have a memory place In your garden cant get out my garden. But I will do something like that Indoors I am looking for a memory candle Just wish I could get out the house sometimes Living alone I have too much time to think about everything. Thank you for your reply.

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Hello Sonia. I feel for you so much. I only had my hubby home from hospital for three days but I was determined that he came home for the end. He also caught covid in hospital and although I knew that he wouldn’t see another Christmas Covid pneumonia made him so weak, and he was having seizures continually due to the high temperature, that it was much quicker. Being at home meant that the children and grandchildren were able to come and say goodbye. They weren’t there when he passed but they had been able to see him and kiss him goodbye. Tell him that they loved him. It was the same for you. You were with him in his final days and he knew that you loved him. So don’t feel guilt, you have enough emotions to cope with without the one that isn’t necessary. Throw that one away. As for signs from him they will come. Just open your mind to his words that come into your head. He is there watching over you.

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Hi nidrigirl
I am so thankful that my husband came home so my daughter and grandchildren could visit
Must be the same for you having your husband home
He had Christmas presents bought him from my daughter and her that we were looking forward to seeing him open them.
We had no Idea he was that near to the end he would not be here Christmas day I am dreading this coming Christmas
I find it hard on my own never lived on my own before
It is small thngs like eating on my own he not there to talk to
When he first came home I used to come down in the middle pf the night to make sure he was ok
Just wish I had done that on Christmas eve then I might have been with him when he passed

Just wish I could get out a bit but cant walk due to pain
I am an Amputee
And have problems with other health
I get angry and shout at my hubby for leaving me
Ime asking him to come and get me
Thank you for replyng to me

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I was lucky in a way. I knew that once Vic was off the drip at home it would only be a few days as his kidneys would pack up. I had made them promise me that he would be kept on the drip until he left hospital. Then a weekend agency nurse took it upon him/her self to stop the drip. Luckily the next morning his usual nurse came on duty and put it right. She and I were livid. Anyway he came home and it was a less than three days. A horrendous last twelve hours (I won’t go into details) with me just holding him all night and praying that someone would come and take him. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone so please be reassured that your hubby went peacefully and you being there wouldn’t have helped him or you. Eating? It’s just something that I do because I have to feed my dog so I just feed myself. I lived on microwaved meals for one for the first month. I feel that eating alone is just something I have to do. No conversation, no recounting our day’s happenings. That is the hardest part of the day. Yes I would also like to go and join Vic but it isn’t time yet and it would hurt the children too much. They are grieving for their dad as it is. Take one day at a time and ask your gp for help with the pain and your mental anguish. I’m sure that you will find the help that you need. Take care of yourself.

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Hi Sonia82,

Sending you love as you move through your grief. My husband died in August 2020 and I looked for signs. I am not sure about an afterlife but we were told about feathers being a sign. It’s seems crazy but we have had some feathers in some strange places. I don’t know if they are Pete and I know that we look desperately for some connection to those we have lost.
I have no answers but want you to know you are not alone in thinking like this.
Being ill and or disabled adds to the horrendous vulnerability of grief. Lewis Carroll said he was shocked at how much grief feels like fear.
I am a little further on in time and have done a lot of work with a bereavement mentor and would recommend it, if that’s possible for you.
Lots of love.
Lindsay

Hello Nidrigirl

That was really bad the nurse removing the drip from your husbands arm.
Must have been so upsetting for you.
Sorry that his last hours were horrendous
I think my hubby went peacefully as he just looked like he was asleep I thought he was I told him I was making his tea
When I got no answer I went to his bed and knew he had gone
Just stood looking at him telling him not to leave me
I also am having microwave meals I eat because I have to just finish the meal wash one plate I cant see myself ever getting used to beeing alone.
It would be better If I could walk go out just see people
Am waiting for a hospital appointment though I am on
The urgent list It is still going to be at least 8 weeks before I get appointment
It is Dennis birthday in a few weeks am looking online for a memorial candle to light on the day
Take care
Hug for you
Sonia

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Hello Lindsay
Thank you for reply to me I think it is lovely you have seen Feathers wish I could see one think it would bring me comfort
Have you any Idea where they might have come from

If not from your husband like a logical explanation
I dont think I will ever get used to living alone just wish I could get out but cant walk use a walker indoors but still only shuffle a long a little bit waiting for hospital appointment but will be weeks before ime seen
Yes it would be helpful I think to sit and talk to a counseller
But I have no Idea where to start looking for and would need someone who does home visits
It is Dennis birthday in a few weeks am looking on line for a memorial candle to light on the day
Thank you for replying
I dont always reply right away as some days dont feel like turning computer on
Like dont want to get out of bed some days
Sending you warm hugs
Sonia

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Hi Sonia, it was Vic’s birthday and our wedding anniversary a few weeks after he went. Both hard but over together. At that point I was still numb and found it hard for the tears to come. Now they come all the time. I do hope your GP is pushing for an earlier appointment. A cancellation perhaps. Going out and seeing people (I do that when I walk the dog) doesn’t really help me. I am still alone inside. I say the words ‘He has died’ but they don’t seem real. Just a rehearsed line from a play. Perhaps when they do seem real I’ll have moved to acceptance. It is still disbelief for me. Take care and look after yourself. Mind and body.

Hi Sonia,
Thank you for your kind wishes.
There have been times when there are no logical explanations. Apparently it’s all about angel’s wings. It all sounds rather strange doesn’t it. :grinning: Feel crazy seeing it in writing.
All of my mentoring has been via Zoom, so that might be an option if you have internet.
Cruse offer bereavement counselling. Some GPS and hospitals do too.
Their absence is so loud isn’t it. Xox

my wife died in hospital on march 11 this year they told me she had a week to live but still wouldnt let me go in and see her ,i told the doctor i wanted to see her he told me that he would sort it out the next day i told him what if she dies that night and he told my that it wasnt going to happen but she did im in bits its not getting any eaiser just harder

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Hi Lindsay. Yes… their absence is deafening.

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It is just so, so hard. My husband went out for a run, collapsed and died. I never believed when I said goodbye as he went out of the door that it would be THE goodbye. All you can do is take it one day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time. You can sign up for counselling here or with Cruse if you think it could help but keep posting here as people will respond.

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So so sorry :cry: that is terrible for you …God help you in your pain …as we all want to say goodbye to our love ones …I hope you find strength in your beautiful memories …take different ones out each day …as I do and I remember the happiness we shared for 54 years 52 married …loved the bones of him …he was the most wonderful of people …wonderful father and Grandfather…it is 18 months now and I still find it hard to believe he has gone …I hope to God we all find some peace In excepting it …but it is so hard …I hope you find peace in your memories…:bouquet:

8 months on, doesn’t get easier, only different, still torture.
Where all all the friends family etc that said “there for you if you need me, or need anything done”. Even texts messages are few.
I’m torn between understanding for them life hasn’t changed much for them really & thinking wait till its their turn
Can’t even get my light bulbs changed (too high for me to reach). The dark kinda suits.
My husband would be so disappointed in them but would tell me that they have their own lives to ,lead. I’m trying not to care that some folk are too busy to care.

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