Finding the loss of my husband so hard

I say the same - either too wrapped in themselves or are in denial.
I mentioned this to my daughter who said it’s them that have the problem.
Their words are hollow & insincere and I often see them passing by & think - just wait till it’s your turn.
I don’t want company /calls every day but I would a appreciate someone knocking the door and saying they thought I would like a chat over a cuppa.
“Friend” & neighbour of nearly 40 years, she only appears when she has something to say about her . I haven’t even told her I’m going to be a granny again - -
I get thru each day by thinking hubby just popped out and be back soon and always speak to him before going to sleep.

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Dear Maigret

I can relate to your comments. We had just had the bathroom done and had spotlights fitted. I do not have a clue how to change these things. The same at our son’s so eventually had to pay an electrician to come and do what would have been so easy for my husband.

I also had an issue with the manhole cover in the middle of the drive and went to ask a former neighbour for help. He gave me the name of a local company “where I could drive to and pick up a new one to put down”. I hope at some point he reflects on what he was saying. I am 5’ 3" and two stone lighter than before my husband died. I can hardly carry myself let alone a cast iron manhole cover. This neighbour was among those who said “if there is anything I can do to help you just need to ask”. Clearly I am on my own. Fortunately I rang the Water Board and the contractors who came out sorted everything for me.

I understand that life is resuming for those who have not suffered loss as we have but I know that my husband would not have walked away … he would have been the first to help.

I just shut these people from my thoughts now.

Thinking of you.
Sheila xxxx

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I too have found people promise to be there for you

But this all gradually stops

I would rather people didnt offer help in the first place

I am housebound deaf as well so cant use phone only for

texting I am finding life very difficult as everyone here must

be it is 9 months since my husband passed away Christmas day am dreading this Christmas

Would have been our 45th wedding Anniversery next Wednesday

No one knows how it feels to lose a loved one until it happen to you

Life is so lonely

Sending hugs to all

Sonia
x

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Dear Sonia,

I am so very sorry for what you are going through and went through because I know for a fact it would not have been easy.

I too lost my husband to COPD seven years ago, he suffered for eight years before he died and I was his 24/7 carer for the last three years of his life. We were lucky because we had a king size bed and there was room for all the oxygen tanks and other medical equipment that was needed so I still slept in the same bed as he did albeit, many times, top to toe so he could have more pillows to prop him up if needed. I even bought walkie talkies so if I was downstairs he could press the button and say help so I would be there in seconds. I never left the house for the last three years of his life unless he was rushed to hospital in an ambulance.

I too became an online shopper as he could never be left and he refused to have anyone sit with him if I needed a break for an hour or two. My husband also didn’t believe in the afterlife even though my family have an history of having the gift and saw dead people and always knew when someone had died but my husband thought it was rubbish. I have had so many signs from him since he died, calling my name, feeling him climbing into our bed and snuggling up to me, but as time has moved on they have now become few and far between.

It is now just a matter of getting on with the time I have left, I am nearly 80 years of age but I will never, ever get over him not being here, I still cannot get it through my head how we were once so very young, little more than children but so much in love then have to end up old and alone.

Please take care.

Sheila.x

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I lost the love of my life in march this year ,I would live in mud hut she to hold her hand ,I miss her so much people say its gets easier well im noot feeling that this is called grieving it noot its torture .
I she was 53 years old when she passed away i would swap places with her know to get rid of feeling like this ,we had 35 years of bliss ,we never had any money problems very successful business but i would rather have nothing and have her back it all means nothing to me ,i wrote a poem which im going to share
I wake in the morning your not there the side of your bed is bare
i so much want to hold you tight and tell you everything will be right but i cant
i have loads of thing i wont to say and make the pain and hurt away but i cant
i want to tell you how i feel and tell you that this is not real but i cant
so until we meet again i will carry the pain rip my precious love

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Dear Sonia

So sorry for your loss. We have so many challenges to deal with but now face these alone. I agree that instead of coming out with platitudes it would be better if people said nothing. We need to know that we have real support and it hurts when people do not deliver on .
what they said they would do.

I too am dreading Christmas - it will be the second since my husband died. I will do the tree etc for our grandson’s and I will do a meal probably on Boxing Day. Have started the shopping for the grandson’s presents now as I do not want to be around the shops leading up to Christmas.

I will be thinking of you on Wednesday.

Sheila x

I identify with everything you say. My husband was 50. I thought we had so many more years left. Now I probably do, but alone. I can’t ease my kids pain and I can’t make it right. I too would live in a cardboard box to have him by my side. I can’t cope without him and I dread the number of years I will have to without him by my side.

Dear @Sheila26
As Sonia82 says, I would rather folk didn’t offer help if they don’t mean it. So many things I’ve asked for help with but I have now stopped asking.
Like your husband Sheila, my husband was always helping folk, putting others before his own leisure time. He would be angry that I’m being treated like this, but I’m not going to play the victim I’ll work around whatever needs done.

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Dear Jen: Stop feeling guilty. I lost my husband through my own stupidity. He died last October from Covid. He wanted to have his daughters and grandchildren over for dinner. Did we stop and think that they might have been exposed to Covid and being with them is dangerous? Even I didn’t think about it. So 3 weeks later he was dead. I should have said NO to kids visiting. I knew better. Why didn’t I stop him? If I let guilt consume me, I’ll die. I have to believe it was his time to go. Try to move on. Don’t let guilt eat away at you. Just losing him and trying to survive is hard enough.
Barbara

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Dear Maigret

You’re right. And I now too have stopped asking. I have managed to get quotes for some of the jobs the problem now is trying to get them to turn up to do them. Fingers-crossed that the roofers turn up tomorrow as things are now getting damaged in the garage - these are all things that my husband held dear but I have no where else to store them.

Dear Sheila,

A roofer turned up this afternoon to give me a quote for my leaking back porch, it has taken me since early last year to actually get someone to come and see me. He says he can start next week and it will only take a day, so once that is over and done with I can decorate it out then relax until next year. I will then get my garage roof re-roofed too, it is only leaking slightly so no rush at the moment, I can only cope with one job at a time.

Why does everything that goes wrong in the house seem unsurmountable, when Peter was here the jobs got done straight away (with my help of course, fetching and carrying) but now the smallest jobs seem massive.

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I too am finding that everything is going wrong my Fennis was a skilled joiner had a big workshop bottom of garden a week after he passed the roof leaked then the door broke then my fences all needed mending. All jobs he would have done himself. I can hardly walk do have to stay by the street door when someone is coming finding things so stressful have hospital appointments my daughter has taken me to some but she can’t keep
Getting the time off from work and had her own family commitments feel like I am a burden dintvteslkyceant to be here at alleill be one year since Dennis passed on Christmas Day
Hugs to all. Sonia

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Dear Sheila

My husband would have been able to go straight to the garage and fixed most of the repairs that me and our son have faced. Same with the car, I left that to my husband. I do not know how to change a tyre or check tyre pressures. I am planning on booking it into Kwikfit or Halfords to do as part of their offer on ‘winter checks’ but again expense that I cannot afford but out of necessity to safeguard our grandson’s it has to be done.

I can relate to one job at a time and that was what I had hoped to do but having been let down by both neighbours and then tradesmen I will have to go with when the current contractors are available. Our son is off this week so perhaps a good thing cos I can call him if things get a bit sticky at any point.

My central heating won’t come on today! This is the sort of thing I wouldn’t have needed to get involved with. I’ve looked on you tube at the most obvious things for my combi boiler. Spoke to a friend of my husbands who serviced it last time but he’s on holiday in Portugal! Guess I will have to wait till he’s home. :sleeping:

Hi is the boiler giving a message (code) on the display? Is the water level ok? Sorry I know questions you have already considered but I had something similar on Christmas Day and it sent me into a melt-down. I now have the British Gas boiler care.

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Sorry for spelling mistakes should read Just don’t want to be here

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Dear Sonia

This journey is so hard. Please keep posting. We keep each other afloat because we can relate and understand.

xxxx

Thanks Sheila. The only code on it is Eco. I’ve still got hot water. Carol B.

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I had no central heating then realised I hadn’t turned the thermostat up OR the radiators on. They had all been off since last spring and I hadn’t even realised. It’s the little things that I seem incapable of thinking of. I go into a room and look for something. I don’t see it even though I later find it was there all the time. I look but I don’t see. My concentration has gone because I’m always thinking of Vic. However I actually smiled at something silly yesterday. It was the first time I had smiled in six months.

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I have just been informed that the roofer wants the money up front before he will do the job, there is no way I am handing out £2000 before they even start the job, they must think, because I am an old woman, that I am stupid but stupid is one thing I am not. I checked online and it stated that any firm who asks for money up front and cannot afford the materials for cheap jobs under £5,000 then it is best to steer clear of them.

I would pay by master card as I would be covered if the work did not get done but they don’t, they only accept cheques and cash so another one bites the dust. What a flaming mess.

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