First Anniversary

I’m beginning the first anniversary of my husband Alan’s passing. Skne if you know we celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary at the end of March last year zndxexzxylh 2 months to the date I was attending his funeral. He’d never had a days illness in all the years we’d been together. And to be told 38 hours before he passed away that further tests revealed a malignancy, I had to put a brave face on and keep the hardest secret from him.

This tone last year was his last Saturday in our home, tomorrow he spent his last Sunday at home, Monday will be the first anniversary of his last Msy Bank holiday, last year, 7th May he left our home for the last time when he was admitted to hospital. I spent the next 11 days at his hospital bedside staying with him for 12 hours every single day, skne days stating all night… from the 7th May up until 30th May, the days of his funeral I know izzy going to be the hardest time for me. Up until now, it’s been a mix of w weeks, 8 weeks, 5 months, etc . Now 12 months is here.

It’s been the longest and hardest 12 months of my life, the emptiness and loneliness I feel I cannot put into words.

I’m not angry with him for leaving me, I had to let him go, I loved him too much to keep him here, he was a very poorly man and I didn’t want him to suffer, it doesn’t make it any easier and there’s not been a single day where I’ve not shed a tear. Most days I cry buckets, some days it resembles a tsunami.

People tell me it doesn’t go easy but gets easier to live with. It’s a living hell. I wont lie about it. I’ve never known such sadness, such grief and it’s awful.

Of it wasn’t for Ada my pug, my salvation I wouldn’t even get up in a morning . I’d stay in bed all day every day waiting to leave this earth plane. I know Alan would be very upset to see me in such a state, sobi have to be strong, have to be brave, and have to face the world as best as I can.

Blessings everyone, this road we travel is the toughest journey we can ever make.

Jen ☆

I’m my thoughts and prayers stay blessed take care Adele speak soon xx

Another morning no sleep and long day of hell Bristles in my thoughts x

Today is awful, this bank holiday last year May 7th, I was at the hospital with Alan, he’d left our home for the last time, only his ashes came home.

Our home has been empty and a very lonely place for a year now, I shall be reliving every single day from last May as if it is happening in the present. I don’t want to do anything, the only place I shall be going is the the crematorium chapel on 19th with red and white roses. This I’ll probably do alone. The rest of the month I shall stay home with my memories of this awful month.

It doesn’t feel a year ago, it feels it’s happening now.

I can’t even get ready to take Winston and Ada for a walk but I must, they don’t understand why i don’t want to go out, o took them on the sunday pug walk yesterday and I almost turned round and drove back home I became so very upset.

Then hearing people talk about their up coming family holidays I just wanted to run away from it all.

I hate this enforced life i and everyone on here has to adapt to. I hate it.

Jen☆

I’m so so sorry to hear about your horrendous loss it’s utterly devastating I am just looking at pictures of me and my soulmate of seventeen years we were getting ready soon to have a dat out on the bank holiday Monday im utterly heartbreakon destroyed there’s no words to describe the agony im in your in my thoughts take care as much as possible Adele x

Hello Jen, I’m so sorry, you seem so lost and unhappy, I wish there was something I could say to help you. I too had to let Brian go, he was in pain and all I could think when he passed away, with only me with him, was that he was at rest and looked so peaceful.
You are right we do all have to find a strength and be brave for our loved ones. Non of us had planned for such heartbreak, non of us could have guessed.
I had ten years of knowing that Brian had cancer, you would have thought I would be prepared but I wasn’t. I gave it a lot of thought but never in my wildest dreams did I know how it would affect me. But I am a stubborn, strong willed person and I am not going to let this horrid thing called grief get the better of me.
This weekend I have been doing long walks with the dogs. Five hours at a time. The countryside and walking is a great tonic. Even this morning with aching legs I have been out for a long walk. I talk to Brian as I walk, letting him know where we are. I say ‘we’ because he is with us (me and the dogs).
I am going to the cemetery to do some clearing and strimming, then I will go and plant some French Beans on Brian’s plot at the allotment. I still have his name at the top of his plot by the way. I will talk to him and tell him how much I love him and thank him for the wonderful love and marriage we have. You see it’s our wedding anniversary today, my first without him. it’s his birthday next week. These are all my 'firsts. I can remember our wedding day as if it was yesterday. I was so happy.
Love to you all Pat xxxx

Thinking of you Pat sending you a hug Adele x

Thank you Pat, blessings for strength to get you through today and the coming weeks ☆

Jen ☆

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Anniversaries are very, very tough and I feel for you, Jen. Maybe the first anniversary is the worst - I don’t know because it’s the first year for me too. A year ago it was all shock and numbness whilst today it’s just terrible grief. I do wonder how it’s possible to go on like this sometimes.

But we go on because there’s no option and some days are better than others. May those days become more frequent is my hope.

Do take care. Maybe keeping busy or even trying counselling could help - apologies if you’re already doing this.

xx

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So sorry to hear about your loss anniversaries I cant comprehend hiw it must be it’s been six months and twelve days today since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes I feel like I’ve just left the hospital seeing him sitting up in his chair I’d be there he ping him with his dinner now the trolley came around about six what I’d do for one last moment of anything with my partner take care in my thoughts Adele x

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I had 45 precious minutes alone with my husband on the morning he passed away, I’ve yet to survive the 1st year anniversary of that day on 19th of this month.

Jen☆

So so sorry it’s heartbreaking your in my thoughts message anytime life’s so cruel theres no words to describe what we would do to have our loved ones back in our arms discuss what’s for tea watch the television go out just general chit chat who’s passing the window cutting there grass I miss it all as do you I’m thinking of you heres to another long lonely silent night full of sorrow and disbelief x

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Cant believe its been a year today my life changed forever when I lost my partner suddenly. I miss him everyday.
Christine x

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Im so sorry for your loss your in my thoughts take care as much as possible Adele x

In my thoughts today as always Adele x

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Thanks for your kind reply.
Christine x

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So sorry for your loss, no matter how much we prepare ourselves for these anniversaries, we still find then very very emotional and that’s ok, we’re entitled to feel this way. A year ago today Alan left our home for the last time when he was admitted to hospital. We never in our wildest dreams thought he’d not return.

Sending hugs and blessings to help you through your day

Jen☆

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Thank you Adele, ☆ Jen☆

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Sending a hug x

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Thanks for your kind words.
Christine x

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