My neice asked me why I’d want to try and repeat “what we always did” , sit around a big table, eating “what we always ate” and look at an “empty chair” where they used to sit. Probably thinking of an excuse to leave early, and take my thoughts home.
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Some people don’t understand berevement, the emotions, reactions, memories and so much more.
You must do what you think is the way to deal with Christmas and of course the other days .
Big hug xx
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Thank you so much for your replies Rose.I do appreciate your kind comments and so hope that you have found some help and comfort from the Christmas thoughts and ideas that others have so kindly shared here.
You are right that some people don’t understand grief and all the emotion and pain that come with it.If this has happened to myself or our sons we have stepped away from these people.
Like you ,my husband ,was the love of my life.
I realise that i am so lucky that our sons and daughter in law were also Martin’s carers through his illness -MND.So we are all in this together .
So back to the Christmas thing…
I find it’s often the little things that trigger my grief and anxiety.I suspect that we all find that.
Anyway for me i have recently found that our 2 tea chests of Christmas decorations are like a ticking time bomb .Full of memories that may cause hurt to us .The bloody boxes have even rocked up in my dreams !
Anyway after much thinking ,and reading the ideas here, i hope i may have resolved this with a plan B that includes Martin.
Martin always found it hilarious that i am afflicted with being" arty farty" and never seemed to mind when i woke him in the night and said “ive had an idea”
During his last months i went on a course to learn a new form of printmaking.Our sons could stay with Martin.When i got home he would want me to sit next to him and show him what i had made and share the details and gossip too .He insisted we frame it all for a gallery wall at home.
So to connect with these quiet times and happy memories i have started printing Christmassy luggage labels .They will later be hung on a quirky wooden wall tree i found at Ikea.
One of our sons has joined in with the printmaking.
Now we dont have to face the Christmas box of decorations if we don’t want to i feel calmer and more positive.
I do apologise for this long post ,i have gone on a bit .
But anyway i would love to know if you have ideas or makes that connect to the memories of love of your life .For now ,for Christmas and for the future?
Best wishes and a hug back
Kim X
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Hello Kim,
What a wonderful idea!
I have always been interested in printmaking.
I would say to Paul ‘I have been thinking…’. and jokingly, I think, he would reply. ‘Oh no’
I like arty farts things too.
I tended to flit from one thing to another.
At the moment, I just don’t have the enthusiasm to try anything. I have thought about it but as with your Christmas decorations, when I looked at all the stuff I have, I cry.
I am so sorry to read that Martin had MND.
Such a cruel disease.
I still haven’t really decided about Christmas. I am thinking that I should prepare for a few different options and probably choose on Christmas and Box day.
I fairly certain that I don’t want to be with anyone on Christmas Day.
Thank you so much for contacting me.
I really appreciate it.
Love and hugs,
Linda xx
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I lost my husband 2 yrs ago after almost 52 years of marriage. The first Christmas was dreadful especially as our wedding anniversary is the week before. I just wanted to be on my own and scream and sob and keep the doors locked but my only son and family got more and more pressing about spending the day with them. In the end I did go to their house, I thought maybe I was being selfish as my son had lost his dad too and was grieving. I only managed to stay an hour or so to exchange gifts and then just had to leave or else break down completely which I didn’t want to do especially in front of my grandaughter. I went home and cried and cried. Last year i managed to stay a lot longer and had lunch with them and I’ve already been invited for this year but I really would prefer to be at home where I feel closer to my late husband and just have a quiet day to reflect.
I’m sorry I can’t offer any advice except to say that if you feel able to be with other people then that’s probably for the best but if you don’t then just do whatever suits you the best. It’s such a special time and the first one without your husband is beyond words, take care and I hope it goes more easily than you expect.
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Definitely celebrate Christmas as you would have done when your husband was alive. My husband loved putting the decorations up and you can always do something new. I also got the Christmas card I had from the year before and put that out. It’s so difficult to get over the ‘firsts’ of everything and it’s ok to be sad and tearful when you’re doing the decorations but he’ll love you doing them. He wouldn’t want you not to do it. You’ll get through it. It used to just be me and him and the dog of course. I added something new to the fireplace and I knew he would have loved it. Don’t dread it. It’s part of going through this. Although the New Year eve was the worst for me. I just didn’t want to leave the last year that he was alive in. I didn’t want that space between us to get any bigger. I hope you get through this ok. It’s so hard. Sending you all my thoughts. Jane
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I lost my husband of 49 years in June this year.
He had Alzheimer’s, and the past years had been a slow deterioration. The last two Christmases were not good; he was in and out of the hospital and didn’t eat any dinner. He used to like buying me small presents at the last minute, but I chose and ordered my main present myself ! The Care agency who knew us well and were fantastic always gave a small edible present and I have a couple of photos with him smiling holding them .the two main carers came to his funeral .
My oldest brother has had his own health problems this year, and I may visit them, which is about two hours away, but not on Xmas day
So, it’s just me and three cats. I wasn’t going to do any decorations, but I might get a small tree and decorate it in memory of our good Christmases. The food will be a ready-made Turkey Dinner and a Christmas pudding for one.
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Hi, this will be my first Christmas without my husband of 32 years, Paul, who passed away suddenly in January of a brain haemorrhage. We used to really enjoy Christmas and for many years we always hosted our two daughters, their partners and our two grandchildren. This year as a family we have decided that my younger daughter is going to host. The thinking is, we know it cannot be the same any more without Paul, so let’s make it completely different. I have many Christmas decorations in my loft that I know I can’t face putting up, because they hold memories of my marriage, my children’s childhoods and even my own childhood. So I have given myself permission to buy some new decorations. I’ve decided I do want the house to look a bit festive for the grandchildren, but I’m not going as full on as I used to.
Goodness knows how it will feel, Paul actually even cooked Christmas dinner for the past couple of years to give me the day off and he loved stocking up with wine, cheese and chocolates, and playing host to friends. I am struggling very much with his absence. But the above are the strategies I plan to employ to get through it. Much love. Xx
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Thank you for sharing again Linda.
I also find it’s often best to decide what to do on the day, because you know yourself well enough to know how you may cope nearer the time.
Also i believe strongly in spending time alone.
As you are also an" arty farty "type who is interested in print making.
I am experimenting with gellie printing ,just in case you may want to give it a go ,in the future.
Take care
Kim X
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Hello Jane
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and your encouraging thoughts too.
I very much appreciate it and am sure that others here will too.
Take care , sending a hug
Kim X
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Hello Siouxsie
Thank you so much for sharing .
Ourselves and our families seem to be thinking along the same lines of trying to do things differently this Christmas.But very much including our partners and what they loved .
Big thanks and sending a big hug
Kim X
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Hello Jennypin
Thank you so much for sharing.
I really like your idea of having a small tree of remembrance to honour the lovely memories you have of sharing Christmas.
As a cat person ,i also know that your cats will just love that too x
Sending love
Kim X
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Thank you. I will look into that!
Live and hugs xx
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Hello knspol
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience and feelings about your Christmases without your dear partner.
I so appreciate your honesty and openess.
I have also had to remind myself that my sons are grieving too and i have joined them in things that i may not necessarily have chosen.it’s a comfort to know that i am not alone in this.
Sending love and i hope your family Christmas brings some new happy memories
Kim X
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Thank you for sharing Mo11.
Your messge gives me so much hope that Christmas could bring some new happy memories that include our much loved partners.
Wishing you further new happy memories
Kim X
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Thank you, it helps to know others are having the same feelings about things.
I wish you the very best for your Christmas this year and hope you and your family are able to find some joy in the occasion despite the deep sadness you will all be feeling. Take care
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Hi this will be my first Christmas with out my wife of 33 years. I have made plans to spend it with family don’t want to be on my own. It was my wife’s favourite time of the year, I don’t think I can’t face putting up the tree and decorations this year. She always used to give me directions in how to decorate the tree, it looked damned good. And we would watch the muppets Christmas carol every year. These firsts are really hard. X
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts and memories Nelson
So hope you can have some times of happiness with your family over
this first Christmas
All the best
Kim
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So myself and our family have made some new happy memories painting our new alternative Christmas tree.We made an occasion of buying a few new baubles and went out for tea together.
Myself and our oldest son have played loud music ,and had posh coffees ,while printing the labels to hang on it.
Most of all we know that Martin would have loved it all and found it funny and typical of us lot that we now cant bear to take it down, until nearer Christmas.So it’s staying till January and maybe beyond .
I would love to hear or see what others have made or done for Christmas to include their partners ,but to help themselves and loved ones.
Go gently ,take care
Kim X
Kim x
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I am with you on that, these firsts are painfull, i cant spend 21 days at home over xmas looking around missing my wife, i am going away for 5 days, i am redoing the last ever holiday we had, not as a holiday but more to get out of the house, get away, xmas day will be with her family, usually we went on holiday over xmas so it will be better with them rather than on my own, take care Nelson.
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