First Christmas

I know thos is a difficult topic with how this year has been with covid.

I’ve not really felt or grieved as such. But coming up to first Christmas without my mum, a brother and now cousin.

I feel hurt. I don’t want to put Christmas decorations up. I feel un easy…like a feeling of doom. Its so hard to express my emotions.

I was just wondering if this is normal. Have others felt the same.

Any advice gratefully received.

Hello Confused1,
I’m sorry you’ve lost so many love ones. I lost my suddenly Mum last year. I decided to put up decorations, both last year and this year. I think my Mum would want me to put them up. It was emotional getting them up, but they brightened the place and helped me feel like I was still a part of Xmas in some way.

I know there have been users on here who decided not to bother with Xmas decoations. Just do what feels right for you.
Take care

I don’t have advice but I too have no decorations, send no cards or Christmas presents. Cards I’ve received are mostly thrown away or unopened. So if you’re weird then so am I.

My husband died suddenly in October. Normally that week we would gave started getting the Xmas Dec’s out of the loft to sort through, we loved this time of year and in our small house/garden had at least 4 Christmas trees, lights in every room inside and every wall and in the garden outside (some left up all year but only turned on 1st Dec). People walking past used to comment on our lights and bring their kids to look but this year whilst everyone else went all out more than ever, ours is the dark house in the street.

Hi @Confused1
I am so sorry for the loss that you have experienced this year. This year has been devastating for so many people and my thoughts are with your family during all of this.

I too lost my Mum this year, just a month ago actually and I understand everything you are saying about Christmas. I relate to that so much. I just wanted to go asleep and wake up after Christmas. How are we meant to sit there and celebrate a day that is meant to be so happy and joyous when we are just not? I feel almost guilty sometimes thinking about Christmas day without her because I feel as if they will be watching thinking why are they just getting on with it?

However, the reality is, your family will be thinking the very opposite. Your mum, brother and cousin will all want you to enjoy Christmas Day as much as possible. They will still be there. They won’t want you to stop your life just because they have gone. I found it a bit easier when decorating to think, do you know what… I am going to do exactly what my Mum would be doing right now because she isn’t able to do that now. I feel like I owe it to her to carry on her tradition because in a way, that is how you keep them alive in your memories and around you.

I don’t know if the following verse will help you in any way, but this is the verse that was read out at my Mum’s funeral and hopefully this can help you, even if just a little bit…

As I sit in Heaven and watch over you everyday, I try to let you know with signs I never went away. I hear you when you’re laughing, and watch you when you sleep. I even place my arms around you to calm you as you weep. I see you wish the days away, begging to have me home. So I try to send you signs, so you know you’re not alone. Don’t feel guilty that you have life that was denied to me, Heaven is truly beautiful just you wait and see. So live your life, be free, and know with every breath you take, You’ll be taking one for me.

  • I hope reading that helped you, even if it was just a little bit. But that is what I read sometimes when I feel helpless and don’t want to get out of bed. They would want us all to live as much as we can because they were denied this. My thoughts are honestly with you and your family, Christmas 2020 is going to be the first for so many, know that you are not alone and if you ever need to chat, you can pop me a message whenever you like… :heartbeat:

Hi I too lost my husband in October. I wasn’t going to put xmas decorations up as I don’t feel like celebrating but I have a six year old grandson so decided to put a small fibre optic tree and a few other decs around but nothing like I usually do. Its going to be a very hard Xmas, I am going to my daughter’s for dinner as I couldn’t face it at home. You just have to do what is right for you x

Yes I lost my husband in August and I thought I was doing OK but as we get nearer to christmas I am a complete mess, I found I could not face putting up the tree and writing cards with tears streaming down my face, I have so far received one card addressed to the both of us which has made me wary opening others. We can hope that time makes it less painfull.

@Confused1 so sorry for your losses. I lost my Mum in March and I’m really struggling with Christmas. I have a 3 year old son so I have to make the effort, but I wouldn’t have bothered with it if it wasn’t for him. I can’t help but feel fed up with people moaning about covid restrictions etc, while I realise this year has been hard for many, it is even harder for those that have been bereaved, and they will get to see their loved ones again. I decided not to do Christmas cards this year, and only gave to very close family and some friends. I keep receiving cards wishing me a fantastic Christmas and New year when I don’t feel like that at all. I’ve only had 2 cards so far that actually acknowledged that it is a difficult time. My in laws have said how they need Christmas to cheer them up after their awful year!! I don’t want to hear it. My only advice is to only do what you want to do over Christmas to get through it, if you don’t want to put up a tree or decorations then don’t. If you don’t want to put on a brave face and celebrate with others, then say. I think we need to do whatever we can to get through it. I think my Mum would want me to make it special for my son like she did for me, despite losing her own Mum very close to Christmas when she was young, which made it hard for her. I think all we can do is try our best and put ourselves first at times too x