Ah the friends one!!!
We too were together since we were 16 or so, quite a normal thing back then and you grow together as does your friends circle.
After the kids we had a very active social life, always out and about and mostly with other couples.
One of the interesting things I found was that although they were friends what seemed to happen was that they were either Julie’s friends or mine.
That division became almost immediately apparent and the support I received from Julie’s friends was not only negative but also very short lived where as I received better and longer lasting support from mine.
In worked that out to be a couple of things.
Firstly what is it that your friends actually want for you now?
They say they only want what’s best for you but who gets to choose what’s best?. For some I experienced it was what they wanted me to be!!.
Secondly I asked myself if they brought any joy into my life right now and sadly many did not so contact was cut short very quickly, at the time that hurt but it doesn’t so much now because why should I let it?
Sharing is definitely something I miss so I’m in search of that.
I also think that the so called " friends effect" is safe for them as they end up questioning their own mortally and it scares them by not knowing what to say… saying nothing would have been better and staying in touch.
There have been a few that have turned out to be very special people and they are keepers!
I could go on and on but hopefully so far someone may connect their experiences with mine and find some relief from not being totally alone but in a similar boat.
I quite simply chose what’s good for me from now on and so far it’s working.
The pain diminishes for sure but never goes… why should it?
Thats a glimpse of mine so far.
Stay strong to all and look to each day as a bonus, our partners would have loved to have been able to make that choice!
On the friends front, I had 2 very close friends. Both were single ladies so we never had a situation where my husband Martin and I could couple up for evening out.
So I had my friends and Martin had his. But it worked for us as the time in between was us together. Amazingly a lot of martins friends / ex work colleagues are have been brilliant. Staying in touch via email mostly, to check I am ok. The great thing here is they are not pushy or in my face but every now and then remind me they are there if needed. Some of them I have never met but know I of them.
One of my friends, was so supportive when I lost Martin and I know she would have continued to be but unfortunately she suffered a massive stroke a couple of months after Martin passed and she didn’t survive. 47 years old!! It’s all so crushing.
My other friend, who I considered to be closer, she was a witness at our wedding. I have only heard from her twice since March.
It’s a mystery to me that this has all happened
Rickh,
When you mentioned your blog, do you mean entries on this site as I am keen to read your thoughts.
Yes entries on this site as and when relevant and fitting.
Yes again the friends one is strange but support is key.
And another strange one applied by some is the guilt you are made to feel for moving on or moving forward as I like to call it.
I’d be interested to know others experiences on this.
My older sister has only phoned me twice in 7 months after my husband died. She told someone she was waiting for me calling her when I felt better (don’t hold your breath sis) & also she gets upset when I get upset, so another reason she has not phoned me.
She said she would probably just drop by & visit next time in area.
That would be just the absolute worst thing to do.
Funny I don’t hate her, just mildly amused that she can make it all about her. She’s had a pretty crap life while I had a great life with my soulmate of ove4 42 years.
It’s been four months for me. It’s worse now than ever. I wish I could look forward and not back but I find it impossible. Today I spread the ashes at the crematorium and after waiting 4 months for the plaque to be made they had spelt my wife’s name wrong. Devastating. Tonight me and my 3 daughters watched a DVD of a family Christmas 30 years ago. It’s only made me realise how much I have lost. I just want to turn the clock back.I can only hope I can start moving forward soon. I can’t continue feeling like this. I think I’ve reached rock bottom.
Nothing surprises me now over how some people react, and yes many have made it about themselves not to mention the person that has been lost!!
I’m my situation even my wife’s family have carried this out…I think it lies in denial whereas we, being the closest to the hurt and pain have to deal with it immediately.
It also puts into question their own mortality and that they find hard to deal with so cue the denial tactic.
As you say I too have come to see it in the same light as yourself… feel quite sorry for them really as because of this experience I feel I am better prepared for anything this life can throw at me.
It’s hard when you only had one person in your life for over 30 years from the age of 18 . I feel like my future for my old age the plans we had have gone . I’m just existing can’t see my future .
Hey Gary,
Hang in there mate, it does honestly change but you some how have to let it take its course
You can’t rush it but it will happen.
Work on a small section of time at a time to get through, make changes if you can and above all remember the good stuff.
Rickh
Thanks for your message. I try to think of the good times. There were so many wonderful times. but at the moment the thoughts make me so upset. I’m trying to move forward but seem to be making a crap job of it at the moment.
I’ve started grief counselling. I’ll let you know how I get on with that.
Gary
@Gary123
That is just awful, as you say devastating they got the spelling wrong on a day so poignant. I hope the company were suitably apologetic.
When we watch those dvds I wonder how many years it will be before we can smile & be thankful we captured such wonderful loving funny exciting times, in our lives with our soulmate. For now it’s just watching & wishing we could go back.
We have dozens of dvds, we were a tad camera mad, but also realised the importance of capturing those wonderful, wonderful years.
We really are so broken, covid stole our future.
@Rickh
My sisters husband has many health issues, when her time comes to be a widow I will remember her lack of support and compassion & I will do the EXACT opposite.
Cos then she will get it & I wish this torture on no-one
It’s such a deep and complex thing and we are all different.
For us the journey started in 2012 and ended in 2019.
So much happened during that time that I feel it gave me time to assess what was inevitably going to take place so that was a very long and drawn out process of acceptance which is fundamental to the recovery process from this. I know looking back I could not have changed a thing but again have to accept that… yes that’s the hardest part but we had no choice… no one does!.
Can you change your routine Gary?.. that can really help.
I’m afraid it’s a time thing as well but you’ll get there.
The counselling is such a good thing to do…especially for us blokes so good for you pal.
As I said before hang in there mate as you do come through this phase.
Best
Rickh
That to me shows what strength you have and I believe have gained from this.
Strangely I feel stronger for having had this experience in my life… no I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but who gave us a choice?
There is another example of others not getting it because its a different issue in their life.
I have parted ways with so many friends, well so called friends with that in itself adding to my grief but now I look back and realise they were slowing my recovery down so its no longer an issue.
Rickh
I too look back on the hours of videos, 1000’s of pics with mostly the best of memories because that’s all they now are but i’d so do it all again in the blink of an eye, even the bad bits!!!
The same year and within 6 months I lost an extremely close mate of mine who had such a pragmatic approach that amazed me… it certainly helped me as it did him.
Miss that guy every day but look back on our time and am so glad to have had that in my life… its all about the experiences isn’t it?
I have to be a tad careful with our wedding video though in case I start viewing it as a who’s who!!.. mind you it was in 1986!!! So fashions change!!!
You are right and I hope to take the same approach with family who have not been there for me or the kids nor shown any sadness at the loss of a family member. It’s as if my husband never existed. And as much as I am angry towards them I too could not wish this level of pain and suffering on others.
I am really sorry you are feeling so low, everyone here is so supportive and know what you are going through. If it helps I am 8 months in and I do get some good days now. It does get easier, it doesn’t go away, but it’s not a low day every day. Look after yourself.
Hi Viv3
Thanks for your message. I am going through a very low Time at the moment and it seems to be getting worse each day. I do find it comforting at this time of night to go on this site and read the messages. It’s good to know we’re all supporting one another.
Take care
Gary
Hi rickh
I lost my husband 13 months ago, and have struggled a lot so have my kids, but I’ve decided I can’t go on like this and need to live a life (not the one I wanted) so I have joined the gym, I’ve been going out with friends more. The pain is still there and hurt so bad, but I know his not coming back. He was my world and he would not want me wasting my life. People do look at me and I’ve heard comments about me going out, but I can’t just sit at home. It has helped that I have amazing friends and family. Dawn
Hi Dawn.
Im glad you’ve found a way to move on even though it’s not the life you expected. The gym sounds like a good idea. I’ve thought of joining a walking group. It’s only four months for me so it might be a bit early. I’ve been recommended to try acupuncture for the grief. Has anyone tried this?
Your right, our partners would want us to make the most of our life. It’s just very difficult at times.
Take care
Gary
I don’t think there is a right or wrong time, too soon or whatever and it has nothing to do with anyone else other than when the time is right for you.
I personally went quite early but after a settling period it has turned into a lovely new life for me with a totally new and different partner.
I didn’t realise just how much a long and drawn out process takes out of you in so many ways but it does and it feels good to put some happiness back into this life and why wouldn’t you?
Forget guilt as that’s for the living… forget regret as we had no choice but we do have a choice in living again.
The gym sounds spot on so long may it continue for you.
Meeting new people is certainly not for everyone as we are re joining the race already out of the starting blocks so it’s a totally different time… we don’t have the time to grow with someone new like we did so if it’s friendship or companionship or whatever just be yourself and allow yourself to be happy… thats what I’ve come to realise.
Rickh