I am writing this because I am in a wave of utter despair. I lost my partner John 20 weeks ago and every morning I howl and cry. I keep getting flashbacks of things we’ve done together or places we’ve been and don’t feel in control of my mind. Sometimes I think I’m going crazy. We did everything together. I was so happy for 15 years and I don’t know how I’m going to face the future. I feel him everywhere but he’s nowhere. Sometimes I just want a sign that he’s alright. I’ve no family, no-one I can just go and sit with and feel comforted and now I have to empty his house and sell his car, it’s like losing him twice. Can anyone help?
I feel your pain. I felt like that 10 months ago when my wife of many years died. I know what I say may not help and may even seem pointless at the moment.
YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY. Now please try and understand that grief can bring anxiety and anxiety is notorious for playing tricks on us. This process of grief and pain is a natural response to losing someone so close. It is a process and, unfortunately, there is no way round it. We need to go through it.
But you can lessen the pain by sharing your thoughts and emotions. Sites like this are there for just that purpose, and this one is about the best.
Utter despair. Oh yes, know it well.
The contrast to the happiness you felt and how you feel now is so great that it’s all you can think about.
You howl and cry. That’s OK. Let it go. I did and it does help. Once again it’s perfectly normal. I know it sounds a bit silly to say it helps, but anything that releases emotions must help.
Now take care and be kind to yourself. If you have not done so may I suggest a visit to your GP. They can help a lot. My best wishes and take care.
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Thanks so much for listening and replying Jonathan. It helps so much to know that someone else understands and is there. People have offered support and said they would be in touch but they don’t phone. I just need to talk about things and him but feel I will drive them away if I express any emotion. I know I have to go through all this but it is hard on your own. My GP has offered me a priority appointment when I am desperate to talk and I have done that. I try to get out in the air and garden which helps a bit but can think of nothing else, ever. Thank you for your support and my best wishes to you too.
My internet search for dealing with aloneness brought me here.This is my first post. I just found this site and your post moved me. My husband of 39 years died June 26. I am alone. I have no family and very few friends (none of those close by). We were each other’s family & best friend. I live in a very “rural” area so I was able to howl. I would go outside and weep and let out primal screams, which felt much better than curling up in a fetal position and weeping. Now I don’t feel the need to scream as often, but I cry, oh I cry. I feel it coming on, and just continue doing what I’m doing with tears streaming down my face. My brain doesn’t shut off no matter how I try to distract it…BUT for short term relief - Everytime you have a negative thought replace it with 3 positive ones…I had one crying bout and I looked around, and went “flower” “sunshine” “my cat”…it helps somewhat, sometimes. Some days everything I look at, touch or think about brings me back to him… but I can’t find him - the bond is broken - and I too hope for a sign, but I really don’t know if they exist…I just “pray” that it is “better” but then I just have to shrug and say I’ll just have to wait…I’m afraid that “signs” and such are just something I’m making up to delude myself, but perhaps someday I might view that differently…I went to do something yesterday and I heard his voice in my head, and it brought me to my knees - I wasn’t ready for that yet. I haven’t dreamed about him at all, which maybe is a natural defense on my part. It’s very hard having to do everything on your own. I’m 67 and this is a test for me to see how much strength I have, to see how much I’ve learned and what I am capable of on my own - although I know this it offers no comfort. . I’m not ready for a lot of things right now, and I don’t have to be. But there are things that I need to do for my physical survival and I just made myself do them. Some tasks I just couldn’t do one day, but I could the next. I’ve had to sell, organize, repack, throw out, give away - do it in small steps, one room at time, one closet - but do a bit each day if possible, keep whatever moves you but be practical (I was going to keep his shoes?? ) I still have his beloved boat to sell - I had to cancel his hunting license…And it’s all so bloody hard, and feels so unfair, and there’s nothing I can do about it…I don’t know if any of this will truly help either of us…but it’s good to get it out…
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Hello Heather Diane I am so sorry to hear of your distress and can feel your pain. It is so early for you as it is for me and it doesn’t seem to have got any easier. For a long time I thought, surely there is something someone can do to bring him back. It is so difficult accepting it, so unbelievable, so unreal. Howling and crying eases the tension for a while until it builds up again. Like you we just lived for each other. We didn’t need anybody else and life was idyllic. I miss having him to share with, to discuss and advise. My whole life has gone and it is difficult to know what I should do now.
I find clearing the house so painful, keeping some things, throwing out others. Somebody’s whole life that they’ve worked towards, studied, worked, learned, achieved and accomplished, just thrown out and discarded. What is it all about? I
am keeping all sorts of silly little things because they were his. I’m not ready to part with things yet.
Are you having to move at this time or are you choosing to? It is so hard on your own but it does occupy the mind which can only help. My best wishes and thoughts are with you.
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Hello- I’m going to stay where I am for the winter and see what the spring brings. This is a rental - we moved here in April, and it was a long term, low rent agreement with my partner doing upgrades and repairs. So this changes things for the owners & myself. I am staying for the winter and we will all make decisions in the spring. I don’t know what the winter will be like, it is quite isolated (although there are a few neighbours and a volunteer fire dept) & it will be cold & snowy & I might decide it’s not for me. As to where I would/will go, I have no idea and really don’t want to think about it (but of course I do). We were together for so long - we moved so many times, from one side of the country to the other, and places in between. We never settled and I have no place to call home. I have to consider my age and my health (which is good) and be practical, so I’ll likely move to small town where there won’t be as much upkeep & labour…but for now I’m okay , and maybe it will work out for me to stay here for a few more years…
And no it doesn’t seem to be any easier. I’m over the shock, but the grief is still overwhelming. I just don’t want it to be true - but it is. I miss our connection - I would think “make a pot of coffee” and then he’d come home in like 20 minutes, or the phone would ring and I would know it was him. One of us would say what the other was thinking about. And that’s gone and I feel hollow inside…and I know that will never pass…The sadness is very heavy and I will be thankful when it lifts…thank you for listening to me…Treat yourself gently…
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What you are both going through is indeed heartbreaking. It’s the total finality of it all that take’s some understanding. Grief is a very painful process. It’s something that is natural, but that fact does not make it any easier. Can I suggest that, for the moment, you give up any enquiries in your mind about ‘why’.
We flog ourselves trying to find answers but none come. We all have ideas about why and what happens, but the pain at the moment is too much by itself without adding to it.
You may well find an answer later, and often it can bring comfort, but that takes time.
You may find that just when you are feeling a little bit better some memory or happening will throw you back. Grief is very much an up and down process. It does level off though and you may not believe it now, but there is a light ahead. Honest!
Take care and just do the best you can. That’s all you can do at the moment. But come back and talk to us please. Your posts will help many and that’s what the community is about.
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Hello - it’s Sunday and I’ve already had my first cry. I have churning anxiety and feel completely lost. It’s a lovely sunny day and we live on the south coast and would have been walking the seafront or in the countryside. I feel so empty and everywhere is so silent. We used to chat away happily all the time, about anything and looked forward to every day. I am trying to take on John’s positive characteristics. He lived for the moment. If we had an idea, we just did it. My heart aches for the warmth and closeness we had. I know I have to make another life but I just want the old life. That’s why they say one day at a time I suppose. It’s trying to find some structure and purpose now which is so difficult.
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I too am constantly living the flashbacks and have cried each and every day since I lost my Richard suddenly 11th April…I am terrified of my now future completely alone at age 68 plus with my PP-MS…i just keep craving for our old life back with Richard,our house and our three dogs which have now all departed to the rainbowsbridge…
This now alone life is a very frightening place…
Jackie…
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Hello Jackie - I think we all want our old life back. I’m having a very hard time accepting that this is the way it will be from now on. I’m 67, have no family and very few friends (and they are scattered far & wide). My health is good and that is a blessing. We moved so many times I have no home base to go to. We moved into this perfect (for us) little house and were given low rent in return for fixing it up. Now that has changed both for me and the owners. This is a very rural setting, and I simply don’t know if I can do it alone in the winter. I am going to stay here & do my best, and will know in the spring. It is really intimidating. I try not to be afraid because that’s an easy rabbit hole to slide down. There is a part of me that is practical and I try to bring that out as much as possible right now. I’ve been trying to figure out where I might go and simply have no idea (and that is a frightening thought). Anyplace I go I will be alone and a stranger. I feel safe here for the winter and for now that is good enough for me. I realized that I am the one making the decisions now - and the best one is to look after myself the very best I can because he would want that. I’m forcing myself to go & about somewhat - next weekend I volunteered at the local garlic festival (low key). I’ve gone for some drives by myself which I did enjoy (often through my tears). I go places that we had never been together. I fill the quiet with music, or go outside & listen to nature. I’m really trying to embrace this “now alone” life, but it is a frightening, intimidating place where I don’t want to be. But I am trying to accept the finality and I am working toward looking after myself as best I can ~ and that varies day to day, sometimes hour to hour. So look after yourself, eat well , remember to laugh (and don’t feel silly doing it out loud by yourself) try to set up a new routine, move furniture - change a room around, consider what your basic needs are going to be & how to achieve getting them… Remember to breathe - and don’t be frightened…we have to hold on and truly believe that this will become bearable and we will make it out of this . We will be forever changed and nothing will ever be the same again, but we are alive & life is a gift.
Hello - Your words touch me, as that is how I feel. My old life has been swept away and it is very hard to contemplate the future. Now my purpose is to heal myself, to make sure I am safe & secure over the cold Canadian winter and past that I just don’t know, or really care at this point. The silence can be so empty and I have a huge hollow space within me. I will never have a bond like this again, and this one has been broken…
Hi Heather, reading your post brought back memories of the things I did right after I lost my beloved Rhonda. We lived together in rural Oklahoma, I would go outside and cry my eyes out. One stormy night as the lightning streaked across the sky I raised my arms to the heavens and was yelling at God, calling him names and daring him to strike me dead.
I am fortunate in that before I left America and returned to England, I did see signs that God and my Rhonda were watching over me.
In spite of the grief I have rediscovered my faith, born again in the spirit as the Bible would say.
I still have days when I cry uncontrollably and feel very low, but each time I’ve been at the lowest ebb, when I’ve felt life isn’t worth living anymore I have been sent a message from my sweetheart to keep me going. God doesn’t give us what we want, He gives us what we need. The signs appear from our loved ones when we aren’t looking for them but when we most need them. You aren’t going crazy or deluded, they are real because the person you lost lives on in you. All the time you continue to live so do they.
I thought it weird too that I never dream about my Rhonda, at first I put it down to the lack of sleep. Now I know it’s because she is a part of me, she lives in my heart. I talk to her each night before I go to sleep.
Dealing with the loss of the person we loved and spent our lives with is the hardest thing we ever face, but until our time comes to join them we must have faith and believe they are watching over us.
Prayers and good thoughts, Carl.
Heather - Diane…
…reading your post could be identical to reading mine apart from you are in Canada, i am in UK, also our varying health ( i now have PP-MS ) diagnosed at four years ago at age 64…Our stories are so alike…even our age, i am 68, Richard my now deceased partner was 74…I too have no immediate close family, and what i do have is 140-150 miles away since we moved moved here 3 years ago…this place too is so so isolated and picture card rural setting but so unfriendly and uncaring…I too am planning on moving far away, but where, and how do i do this…i have only ever moved with my Richard by my side…I now dont even have a car…yes for me also a very frightening thought of where i will go, and what is my now future…Oh yes laughing, this is the one thing i try to hold on to, as i have always believed that laughter is our best medicine but to be honest, there has not been one day i have not cried, nor gone to pieces since i lost Richard 11th April, it wont be my last day either…
Jackie…sending a cyber (( hug )) to you…i hope it travels safely across the pond…
thank you
It traveled safely…thank you…this forum has made me realize how many people go through this every day…circumstances are different, but the pain and the grief are oh so similar… We need to have a place where we can talk about our pain, about our fears…at least I do, and these few conversations have helped…it helped me to kind of clarify where I’m heading. Moving is a HUGE concept. I just can’t really grasp it at this time, but I tell myself "that’s ok, you don’t have to think about it right now. " But I will, and I just hope that by the spring I will be able to see a bit more clearly. I’m getting physically prepared for winter (firewood, winter-proofing, etc) but I don’t know what the emotional and psychological effects are going to be… Your situation sounds more unsettling than mine - with your health and no vehicle it does make things more difficult. Are you going to be okay where you are for awhile? Tears everyday - I understand that…and one of those cyber((hugs)) back to you…
Heather…
… i really dont know if i am going to be alright, i am literally biding my time, getting through to the next day, the next week, the next month…praying that all will turn out right in the end…I have no idea how or when i can make this happen, all know is…i will make it happen, i will get away from here…In my mind, my head, is doing overtime with planning ahead, and keeping all my options open…i have to have a goal to spur me on…my concern is how long is this selling up and moving going to take,once i kick this ball in motion…
Jackie…
Hello Heather Diane, thanks for your advice to breathe! I find myself holding my breath all the time and I feel so tense and screwed up. I also grind my teeth a lot, can’t seem to stop doing it. I had a horrendous weekend - didn’t see a soul, had two emails but no phone calls, cried and cried most of the time. Today I have sold my John’s car which makes me feel as though I am losing him yet again.
Getting in the garden helps a bit and I have re-organised it. It is only a small garden but I have dug up the bushes and have brought some rockery and stepping stones from John’s garden to put in my own. He also made a bird table which I shall put in a prominent place in my garden. I have also found a helpful little book, Healing after Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman, small daily meditations with great insight and understanding and a thought of encouragement and hope after each. I find these very helpful. Thank you for your posts. This site is so supportive.
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Thank you … Your words “total finality” hit a chord within me…I keep thinking them and it has in some strange way brought some relief. Today is the first day that I have not wept (although I still might). I’m treading very carefully with myself, breathing deeply and giving thanks for this one day of no tears. I know each day will be different. I do have to accept the total finality of what has happened and keep on moving step by step toward my new life. This forum is helping me right now, and I know that in my heart, and I am extremely grateful for the kindness of strangers once again…
Hi, sorry for the despair that you feel. My sudden loss has been almost a year and like you I cried and howled anytime of day. I had severe anxiety attacks _ fast heart, pacing , mind all over the place. All I can say is that accept these things and ride the storm. Remember that all storms have an end when it s calmer - that will be you in time. But time is the key, it really is. Day by day you re find a new way to cope.
For me, I put goals in place and went on the journey of achieving them and self preservation. I started a journal from day one - I have started on one of my final goals, turning the journal into a book
Good luck xxx
Hello Jonathan, I’ve had a dreadful few days when tears are permanently at the surface. I felt so despairing that I did go to the GP. Unfortunately he had been at an emergency and could only give me 10 mins. He says all my symptoms are perfectly natural and I’ve just got to ride it but he says to go back and see him again. It’s so difficult. I feel so alone. I cried all down the street afterwards. John would have been there supporting me at the GPs as he would have done in any situation. I feel so frightened not having any companionship in this way. Today I sold John’s car so something else of him has gone too. I wake up with churning anxiety and I have got it now thinking about the difficulties that lie ahead…